Watching Juan sleep

Lately, in the middle of the night, my mind kicks into overdrive, pops my eyes open, and leaves me wide awake — with very few options. If I get up, the dogs do too and the flurry and commotion that ensues is not conducive to any of us returning to a sleeping dog pile.

So I stay in bed and watch Juan sleep.


Juan-watching is not as uninteresting as one might think. He can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, and in the most unusual positions. Also he hums words in the back of his throat every time he exhales. His favorite word seems to be 0-Oh-me, pause, 0-Oh-me, pause, 0-Oh-me, pause. For hours. Or until the word changes.

Uh-uh (meaning no and not to be confused with uh-huh meaning yes, which I’ve never heard him hum), is popular with him too. Fi-i-re, hummed with a bit more exuberance, is probably left over from his days as an assistant fire chief. He’s never exhaled y-es-dear, but I contribute that to the fact that the consonants y and d are hard to hum.

But the other night’s Juan-watching reminded me of another one of my inventions.

I haven't dated in the last 20-years but I do have sympathy for the single women out there.



She picks out this great looking cowboy while she's on the prowl and takes him home. Then what? He kicks off his alligator boots, strips out of those slim Wranglers, and stashes his hat on her bedpost. As he climbs into bed, the single gal realizes all his charming personality was in the clothing! Her mind screams, "What have I done?"

My invention solves this problem. It called the Cowboy Keeper and is modeled here by Juan Luckybastard.



Ah, you say, that hat isn't that attractive from the back but ladies, just look how great this cowboy looks in my bed!


See why it's called the Cowboy Keeper? I'm keepin' this guy!

My inventions will make me rich! Ninety-sixth post and counting!

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a famous inventor. Oh, nothing complicated like electronic or space-oriented thingys. Just something simple that could make me millions.

So far I've invented three thingys. Make that "had three ideas" because if you don't act fast on inventions, someone else does and then they make the big bucks.

My first invention is a TV remote control condom. Called RCCs by persons too embarrassed to use the full term, the condoms will be found next to the bible in the top drawer of the dresser in every hotel room. It protects the user's hands from germs on remotes since they can't be cleaned by the maids. Be sure to practice on bananas before leaving on a road trip.

My second invention is a tubing system that turns the average toilet into a bidet. It's called the Bidlet. I won't go into details but I have it all worked out in my head and believe me, it will work! Remember when Oprah and Dr. Oz asked the audience for a show of hands from those people who had a bidet in their home? Only Oprah and Ozie raised their hands. My invention would change that audience's response and change the world!

The third invention I just put into practice Tuesday when some fool of a friend (I'll call her PJ to keep it simple) came over to my house. I call this one Gstay, sort of a condensed form of garage-sale-but-you-stay-at-home. The FoaF (fool of a friend) puts out the word that they are looking for items you might or might not have. If you have them, you take a picture and send it to the FoaF. If she wants to buy them, or trade for them, you let FoaF know what you're willing to take for them.

A deal is struck and then...what? This sounds familiar?

Ebay? Never heard of it. You sure? Well, FoaF apparently hasn't heard of it either because she drove all the way over here to pick up a huge pile of crud that I was going to pay someone to haul off. She left me with the mother load of good cowboy stuff in the above photo.

Guess Gstay is out. Someone else must have made the money on that one. I'll stick with the RCC and the Bidlet. Anybody want in on ground floor? I need investors!