And while I’m making this confession, I might as well admit that my two dogs are crack whores too.
And sometimes my husband.
It all started several years ago when I first became a dizzy broad. Oh, sure, some might say, she's always been a dizzy broad. But this time a doctor actually certified it and recommended that, when I was at my dizziest, I sleep sitting up.
Do you know how hard that is? My body wanted to recline properly, even when sitting up, so I decided to purchase an adjustable bed. You know, the kind of bed that lets you - almost makes you by its mere existence and capabilities - raise the head end of the bed or raise the foot end of the bed or, when you’re feeling exceptionally kinky, raise both ends of the bed at the same time. And I’m talkin’ about raisin’ ‘em high here. Vee shaped! Yowzer!
But we couldn’t get just one bed. We definitely needed two adjustable beds, otherwise whenever I wanted to get high, IT Guy might get upset because he wanted to stay low, if you know what I mean. I figured we could mash the two beds together, leaving only a crack in between.
IT Guy was against the whole idea. “The bed's going up and down will scare the little doggies,” he protested.
In my best Cesar-Milan-leader-of-the-pack-voice I told him that he…er…a…they would get used to it.
“The doggies might break something in the crack between the beds,” he objected.
“No, you…a…er…they won’t,” I responded
Of course I won out and we bought two adjustable beds. After all, I’d been certified.
So we became a family of crack heads, or crack whores, if you will, because we’d do anything to grab a nap or go to bed early on our adjustable beds. The little doggies, after getting over the head-cocking wonder of riding the waves, settled in with their little backs against whichever bed was the highest and sank happily into the crack.
But the doggies like more than the crack between the beds. If they are sleeping on an adjustable bed not using the vibrating feature (oh, yes, these beds also vibrate at the touch of a button!), they get up and move to the bed that starts vibrating. Doggies love to vibrate. Who knew?
IT Guy and I love the crack too. We both enjoy sticking a whole foot between the beds. There’s something cuddly and comfy about that, especially if you have Restless Leg Syndrome.
When my foot automatically goes to the crack in the middle of the night and finds IT Guy's foot already there, it wakes me up. I'll lay awake for hours thinking of ways to get him to roll over so he'll pull his foot out of the crack and I can put mine in.
Snoring into his face works well, especially if I've eaten garlic that day, but it doesn't work all the time. Neither does whispering into his ear. “You have to pee. You have to pee. You have to pee” works best after 4:00 in the morning.
The crack also comes in handy for storing items necessary during the night. I keep my eye bag (another story) there, my glasses, snacks, the current Reader's Digest, K-Y Jelly, Kleenex, the TV remote, and empty beer cans in it.
I also like to keep my arm in the crack when IT Guy and I cuddle. I’ve always had trouble with where to put that arm during those tender moments. I feel like a contortionist if I put it behind me. The dern thing falls asleep if I put it under my body and it hurts if I put it under his body. I feel like I’m in a Chinese body puzzle if I put my arm over his arm and around his neck.
Ah, yes, life’s problems are solved with crack!