Today is the first day of spring, which means that summer can't be far behind. So, I'm fast-forwarding to flip flops and pool-worthy drinks (at least for this post. I can't be held responsible if a parka rears its hood in April). And this is what I think would happen if someone made a commercial about two of my favorite fun-in-the-sun brands.
Simply Limeade/Katy Perry Collection Collaboration brainstorming session:
Writer (reading draft): What could be better on a scorching hot day than sipping Simply Limeade in a brand-new pair of lime flip flops from the Katy Perry Collection? Simply Limeade is tangy, sweet, and refreshing, like a surprise squirt from your crush at the carwash. (A hose-wielding Lou Ferrigno emerges from behind a palm hedge.) The flip flops smell like real limes, so with each broiling hot breeze, you'll get a whiff of fresh citrus, just the thing for masking those funky foot odors. Talk about a silver -- excuse me -- lime lining!
Director: What happened to Katy Perry jumping out of the giant lime?
Assistant Director: We don't have the budget for Katy; we're spending too much on the cartoon dramatization of the funky foot odor and Ferrigno. By the way, he said yes to the green body paint but no to the shorts. He says they make him look like a pirate and wants to wear khakis instead.
Director: He'll wear the shorts and he'll like it! And how do we not have the budget for Katy? We're promoting her shoes!
Assistant Director: Yes, but there's a clause in her contract . . .
Director: Skip it. Since we've already got Ferrigno, why don't we do a mock promo for an Avengers movie? We'll call it Green Planet Peril. The green planet can look like a lime and be inhabited by an army of miniature Hulks. Thor and Iron Man have to return them to their original size. Only it backfires when the Hulks get too big for their planet, causing it to explode, sending Simply Limeade all over the galaxy.
Writer blinks and takes a swig of her limeade.
Assistant Director: I don't think Katy would like that.
Director: She would if we ask her to do the music. You know, a fun, summer blockbuster version of "E.T." -- minus the Kanye. (Notices Pizza Guy for the first time.) Does this pizza have gluten-free crust? Because I specifically specified gluten-free crust. Gluten aggravates my acne.
Writer smirks, then catches herself and drinks more limeade.
Pizza Guy: Uh . . .
Assistant Director: Dude, if we can't afford to star Katy Perry, then we can't afford her music. Or the Avengers.
Director: First, do not call me dude. Second, we wouldn't get Hemsworth and Downey Jr. We'd get guys with dad bods and put them in Thor and Iron Man costumes from Target. We'd run a disclaimer that says: "No Avengers participated in the making of this commercial. Marvel maintains that Lou Feriggno is not and never was an Avenger." It'd be true, but also ironic.
Assistant Director: No, too messy. We should chuck the Avengers idea but stick with Ferrigno. Maybe we can even get Paul Rudd and Jason Segal to reenact that scene in I Love You Man where they beat him up.
Writer frowns. The I Love You Man thing had been her idea, and Assistant Director told her to cut it. But instead of saying so, she downs more limeade.
Pizza Guy: Epic! I know those guys; I think they'd do it for free.
Director: Make it happen. And get me an espresso.
Pizza Guy: Sure thing, man. But I don't work here . . .
Director: Make. It. Happen. (Pizza Guy lopes off, gnawing on a slice and muttering, "Yummy yummy yummy, I've got wheat in my tummy." Oblivious, Director turns to Assistant Director.) If you're not careful, that kid's going to get your job. Now, if we let Ferrigno wear the khakis, maybe he'll jump out of the lime . . .
And . . . scene. Cheers to cooling off on a hot day with limeade, Katy kicks, and The Hulk. And yes, my pic features the Marvel version of the not-so-jolly green giant instead of Ferrigno. But that's because he's more photogenic.
Khakis or not, Lou, it's true.