Breakin' All the Rules This Jule (P. S. That's Danish for Christmas)

Ornaments: Hallmark

Contrary to this pic, Amy E. Reichert's Once Upon a December isn't about birds.  It's about time travel and raw meat sandwiches.  Sort of.

Like Reichert's The Kindred Spirits Supper Club, December takes place in Wisconsin.  And apparently in Wisconsin, it's customary to eat "cannibal sandwiches," which consist of rye bread, raw onions, and raw ground beef.  Which is just . . . yeah.  All I can say is that it's not something that ever came up on That '70s Show.  Hello, Wisconsin indeed!

But you don't want to kibitz about beef.  You want to talk about time travel.  (At least I assume you do, unless you've already cut and run in search of something thoroughly cooked to gnaw on.)  

Astra Noel Snow is a thirty-seven-year-old divorced librarian with a circle of friends and a dog that are her everything.  Still, she'd really like a special someone.  And when she walks into a Scandinavian bakery on the outskirts of the Milwaukee Christmas market, she thinks she might have found him.  The guy serving up cherry kringle isn't just cute and sweet, he's vaguely familiar -- quite literally the man of her dreams.  At least that's what Astra thinks at first.  But as she gets to know Jack Clausen, she slowly realizes that she's met him, not in her dreams, but in real life, once (or twice) upon a December.  Entranced and intrigued, Astra puts her librarian skills to use to research the bakery and other shops in the enchanted alley known as the Julemarked.  What she finds makes her question everything, changing her life forever. 

Haunting and mystical, Once Upon a December gifts readers with Christmas magic as out-of-this-world as Jack's signature kringle.  As charming as it is strange, Reichert's yuletide universe explores and celebrates the mysteries of the space-time continuum and of falling in love.  And as a fan of Christmastime, time travel, and romance, I'm here for it.

Raw meat sandwich (and its little dog too!) notwithstanding.

Throwing in the Trowel: Let's Say Happy May With Barrettes

Fabulous Felt Blue Leaf Barrette 

 Fabulous Felt Pink Leaf Barrette

Fabulous Felt Yellow Leaf Barrette 

Candy Gush Necklaces 

Top: IZ Buyer, Kohl's

Skirt: LC Lauren Conrad, Kohl's

Shoes: Guess, DSW

Bag: Xhilaration, Target

This era of limited paper goods has made me appreciate not just the practicality, but also the beauty of that unsung kitchen heroine -- the dishtowel.  Absorbent and so very homey, this timeless textile is always there for me.  So I decided to be there for it by using these striped Fiestaware fossils as backdrops for my new floral leaf barrettes. 

I say fossils because they're old.  In fact, it wasn't until I plumbed the depths of my dishtowel drawer that I rediscovered the yellow one.  My mom gave it to me as part of my bridal shower gift seven years ago, and I didn't want to use it because it was so lovely.  I really dig the contrast of the sunset-colored stripes against the, well, sunshine.  Probably because it reminds me of a tee shirt from the '70s.  Also, those disposable cups they used to give you at Roy Rogers and the movies.  Not that I was around during that decade.  But I just saw one on That '70s Show. 

As for the barrettes, they make me think of spring, and that makes me happy.  Even if I have no desire to grow real flowers.

I may have bonded with dishtowels.  But gardening and I will remain enemies.

Double Rainbow, Double Dier

 Red Pompom Bow Barrette

 Red Rainbow Rose Necklace

 Snow Bright Bangle

Sweater: Macy's

Skirt: Dolls Kill

Shoes: Christian Siriano for Payless

Bag: Candie's, Kohl's

 Ballerina Baby Earrings

 Mint Rainbow Rose Necklace

 Clara Cupcakes Charm Bracelet

Sweater: Macy's

Skirt: Macy's

Shoes: Worthington, JCPenney

Bag: City Streets, JCPenney

I've always been into rainbows.  There's a Christmas morning home movie of five-year-old me fiercely clutching a brand-new Rainbow Brite doll and setting up the Color Cottage with the focus of a hibachi grill chef.  My little sister toddles over to me to show me her new Cabbage Patch preemie Noreen Rhoda (the only thing weirder than those dolls' names were their Xavier Roberts butt tattoos).  And I scream for her to go away.  Obviously, I'm too busy seating the sprites at their wavy-edged, pink plastic table.  Does this behavior reveal that little me could be a tantrum-throwing Gremlin?  For sure.  But does it also show my love for the sacred spectrum?  Um, does the hibachi grill chef burn Big Bertha's perm when he's flipping the shrimp and singing happy birthday?

Spoiler alert.  He does.  Sometimes.

A few years ago, my sister gave me this Rainbow Brite Itty Bitty.  Which makes me feel like even more of a villain.  If only I could reciprocate with a bobble head Noreen Rhoda.  If you're listening, Xavier, get on it.

Anyway, they say that double rainbows are rare.  (They also say something else, but I won't go into that here.)  Which is why these twin rainbow sweaters are so awesome and cute and give me all the '90s feels.  (I refer, of course, to fashion feels, as most other feels from my teen years are locked in a mental drawer marked do no resuscitate).

Do you know what's almost as rare as a double rainbow?  Brett Dier's reign on Wednesday night TV.  I know that Brett Dier isn't a household name and that this announcement may be underwhelming.  Also, that it has nothing to do with anything else I've said.  But I'm okay with that.

What are the odds that Dier's new sitcom Schooled and his old dramedy Jane the Virgin would air on the same night on different networks, back to back?  And that it would all be so symbolically full circle?  Because Schooled is in its freshman year and Jane is sadly ending.  (Some) Jane fans fell in love with Dier's Michael five seasons ago and are still reeling from his return from the dead.  Not only was it super stirring and emotional, it put Jane (Gina Rodriguez) right back where she started, forced to choose between Michael -- her husband -- and Rafael (Justin Baldoni) -- the father of her child.  Never mind that she was accidentally artificially inseminated when she was still a virgin, before she'd even properly met Raf.  Because Jane is, as the narrator often and snarkily tells us, a telenovella.  As for Schooled, we're just getting to know Dier's C.B. as a slightly Michael-esque but also slightly annoying hey-kids-I'm-your-friend-not-just-your-teacher-and-I'm-wearing-the-jeans-and-wacky-ties to prove it kind of guy.  Yet nerdy or not, he seems destined to date fellow teacher and rebel with a heart of gold Lainey (AJ Michalka).  If you think that Lainey's too cool for this fool, think again.  After all, she was engaged to Barry Goldberg.  And who knows; she could still rekindle that flame.  Which would leave old Brett (or as my sister calls him, triangle face) to play second fiddle a second time.  Because my spidey senses tell me that Jane will be riding off into the sunset with Raf.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Time to change the subject.

When I wore rainbow-rama outfit number one, I was so excited that I decided to photograph myself in it.  This meant breaking out this here selfie stick, which my mom gave me almost six years ago for my wedding.  I'd never used it before, which is obvious from the frustrated look on my face.  The subpar camera on my 3G phone wasn't helping.  But then I thought, who cares?  The graininess and washed out colors make this pic look like it's from back in the day.  Which is fitting because this outfit could've come straight out of the costume trailer of That '70s Show.  "But Tote Trove lady," you may be (but probably most definitely are not) thinking, "you said this was a 90s look!"  So I did.  But when I wore stuff like this in the '90s, my mom would say that it was just like something she'd worn in college.  So even fashion -- especially fashion -- comes full circle.  Everything old becomes new again.  And like Dier, rainbows never say die.

All of this philosophizing has me craving shrimp. Hold the hair spray; I'm headed to the hibachi.

Movie Moment: Take Me Home Tonight

Before I start yammering on about Take Me Home Tonight, let me begin with its poster.  It's fun, right?  Colorful, wacky, and nostalgic, it promises hijinks and heart wrapped up in a tidy two hours.  And it delivers.  Of course, maybe that's because I enjoy bubblegum kitsch without expecting anything much deeper.  But that's as good a reason as any, especially on a pizza-soaked Friday night when all you want is to ease into your forty-eight hours of freedom on a cloud of brain candy. 

So, for anyone who missed Take Me Home Tonight when it was in theaters back in March (and if you blinked you did, as it was pulled pretty quickly), it's set in the late 1980s and is about MIT grad Matt Franklin (Topher Grace), a guy who's living with his parents and working at Suncoast Video as he tries to unravel the puzzle of what to do with his life.  Also, he has a buffoonish best friend (Dan Fogler) who's just been fired from a car dealership.  And a crush on high school it girl-turned investment banker Tory Frederking (Teresa Palmer).  And a hard-nosed cop of a dad who wants him to get off his ass and do something already.  And a wise-cracking writer of a twin sister (Anna Faris) who's going through her own stuff, namely the old career vs. marriage dilemma.  If it all sounds a bit familiar, then that's because it is.  It's been done to death and we've seen it before.  But that's the same reason we (okay, I) love it.  We can relate.  Who hasn't wanted to duck into a Suncoast (ahem, shrine to the ultimate form of escapism) or a department store or, heck, a cabin in the woods to lay low and figure things out for awhile?

It doesn't hurt that the kid pondering all of this is Topher Grace.  Always one with a soft spot for nerds, I'd pick him over fellow "That 70s Show" alum Ashton Kutcher any day.  It's his underdog quality, after all, that makes his pursuit of Tori more endearing than creepy.  He quasi-stalks the girl, pretending to run into her at Suncoast as a fellow customer, a move that comes back to bite him later.  But not before bonding with her over a swell of 1980s music in a sea of big-haired, neon color-clad former classmates at big-man-on-campus Kyle Masterson's (Chris Pratt) Labor Day bash.  My biggest complaint?  When Tori gushes that her favorite song is playing, hinting for Matt to ask her to dance, it's Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight," not Eddie Money's "Take Me Home Tonight."  It's the title of the movie!  And much more fitting.  And, let's be honest, just a really great song.

As promised by its R rating, Take Me Home Tonight isn't all rainbows and unicorns.  It's riddled with F bombs and other eyebrow-raising behavior as it makes its circuitous way to its hopeful ending.  I say hopeful because there are a few shades of things left up in the air, which I liked.  These unfinished edges make the movie more realistic, bolstering its message that taking a few risks brings us closer to mastering our own destinies.  Deep stuff for something named after an Eddie Money song.