Some people dread the dentist. But my nemesis is the eye doctor. And I use the term doctor loosely. Because optometrists and ophthalmologists have about as much in common as Milli Vanilli and Adele. You'd think that knowing this would calm me down to near cockiness. But last Sunday, when it was time for my yearly eye exam at a Visionworks shoehorned between Moe's and David's Bridal, I still felt pressure to pass all those tests. Not as much as I used to, mind you. But I hadn't achieved that coveted cool as a cucumber status. Or maybe I should say cool as a carrot status because carrots are supposed to be good for your eyes.
Anyway, you know the kinds of tests I mean. What's the smallest line you can read? Which line is clearer, one or two? Two or three? How many aliens are in front of the farmhouse? (I made that last one up. But I think that the tests should be more entertaining, especially the air puff one for glaucoma. Hearing a Mario Brothers storming the castle sound effect when you get punched would make it less scary.) I was even more on edge because my nearsighted self wears glasses only to drive, a behavior that compromises my ocular integrity, making the kindly optometrist (for he is kindly, despite his choice in profession) suspicious. This, I realize, makes me, not him, the Milli Vanilli. His questions went something like this: So, you don't wear your glasses when you go to the movies? Or when you watch TV? Or use the computer? No, no, and no. But wouldn't things be clearer if you did? Well, sure. But I'm not blind (despite what that guy at the DMV once said). And seeing every wrinkle on Brian Austin Green's face while I watch "BH 90210" isn't something I want in my life.
Nor is being known as someone who wears glasses. Not that there's anything wrong with glasses. Daria rocked them like the badass she was, and "The Big Bang Theory's" Bernadette wouldn't be Bernadette without them. It's just that they're not me.
That said, fun and funky sunglasses like these are the only lenses I want on my face. And yes, these pics do get slightly smaller as you make your way down. Which Tote Trove lady is clearer, daisy cat's eye or red hearts? Red hearts or purple hearts? Purple hearts or invisible alien?
Guess what? After all that angst, it turns out I didn't even need new glasses.
Which was just as well because everyone knows that Mr. Green doesn't have wrinkles.