It's time to gather round the lighted makeup mirror, er, fire, for a yuletide tale. This one's got all the best ingredients: grit and glitter, skill and style, and endurance and embellishment. So slick on your snickerdoodle lip balm and snuggle under the blankets, because a-sleigh we go!
One Christmas many, many years ago, the sprites (yes, sprites is right; it's not always about those elves) decided to host a competition. Or, as they liked to call it, a tournament -- the Ornament Tournament, to be precise. The sprites were mostly rejected elves. Santa rarely entrusted them with the big jobs, like making and packaging toys. Instead, he asked them to restock candy canes or to play pranks (harmless, of course; Santa's an advocate, not a sadist) on bad little boys and girls. But that year, most of the elves had gotten food poisoning at the company potluck (they say the candy casserole was the culprit), so Santa asked the sprites to step up. Yet despite their newfound responsibility, the Ornament Tournament remained the sprites' top priority. There would be two teams of ornaments, each including one high heeled pump and one lipstick. One team would be red, and the other would be rose (or, for the more firmly prosaic among you, pink). They'd compete in all the usual ways. There'd be lightning speed application drills for the lipsticks and three-legged races for the heels (don't ask where the other legs would come from; when I questioned the sprites, they pelted me with snowballs spiked with Christmas lights). A spangled senorita would not yell, but sing (she's much too dignified for bellowing), "On your mark, get set, go!," one arm poised in the air like a girl with a scarf in an old movie. The rest of the ornaments would gather behind ropes of licorice garland to watch, their painted eyes rapt with anticipation. Some would be team pink, others team red, but both would cheer until their throats ached. Their chants would be as cacophonous as four calling birds and two turtledoves ensnared by an unadorned windscreen. (The birds, just like everyone else, were used to everything being lousy with lights; remember those snowballs.). The sprites delighted in planning it all and became so obsessed that they forgot to make the toys for Santa. Santa, preoccupied with his own mall visiting and cookie tasting duties, never noticed until Christmas Eve (despite what you may have heard, organization isn't Santa's strong suit.) They all scratched their sparkly heads, trying to figure out what to do. Then the sprites remembered the abundance of merch they'd made for the Ornament Tournament. There were lipstick and high heel-themed tee shirts, magnets, notepads, stickers, and, of course, plenty of lipsticks and high heels themselves. The children would love them; Christmas was saved! Excitedly, they helped Santa load the beauty booty onto the sleigh. Then Santa took off and dropped it down the world's chimneys. When he was finished, he drew a stiletto in stars across the night sky and sang, "Merry to Christmas to all, and to all a fab night!"
I wish I could say that this is where our tale ends. But there were many disgruntled letters to Santa that year, one from a little girl who had been looking forward to a chemistry set and another from a little boy who had his heart set on a dollhouse. Santa had no choice but to fire the sprites. Happily, most of them found work with Lancome or Manolo Blahnik. Anyone who mentioned the Ornament Tournament was condemned to eat an entire candy casserole.
The end! As a nod to this fateful, albeit little known, nugget of seasonal lore, I came up with two outfits incorporating red and pink. Both are wrapped in the same belt of a bow, like pretty presents. One even comes with champagne!
Raven Rose Necklace
Top: Candie's, Kohl's
Skirt: Amazon
Shoes: Jessica Simpson, DSW
Bag: Liz Claiborne, JCPenney
Belt: Apt. 9, Kohl's
Bangles: Iris Apfel for INC, Macy's
Old Bow Glow Necklace
Top: Pink Republic, Kohl's
Skirt: Wild Fable, Target
Shoes: Penny Loves Kenny, Zulily
Bag: LC Lauren Conrad, Kohl's
Belt: Apt. 9. Kohl's
Red bangle: XOXO, ROSS Dress for Less
Mustard bracelet: Cloud Nine, Ocean City
So, let's hear it for ornaments, the kind on the tree, and on you and me. Red, pink, or rainbow, they give off a great glow, and even when they lose, they win.
The sprites, not so much. Although they do bring new meaning to the expression "will work for shoes."
And have saved generations of North Pole workers from casserole contamination.