Crazy Crafty: A Living Vintage Valentine

I was the kid who pressed too hard when he borrowed your markers.

It wasn't just your markers, however; when scribbling away with pen in a notebook, one could easily flip ahead at least ten pages and see a clear imprint of what I had previously written.  Oddly enough, I had an unreasonable affinity for written exams but would break an undue amount of pencils in the process, suffering from hand cramps hours after.  I've even endured severe chastisement (and costly remediation) from the dentist for brushing too hard.

Pressing too hard has been a recurring theme in my crafting life as well.  As evidenced by my Statue of Liberty Lime Jell-O, Mama's Macaroni Magic Necklace, and Rootin' Tootin' Cowboy Twine Holder,  I am quite capable of pressing a craft too hard in nearly every way - technically, thematically, and financially.  The inspiration of this year's Valentine's Day craft came from a source that often presses too hard in my favorite area of wordplay - the humble pun.

Vintage valentine cards are universally adored for their charming 

illustrations but the highlight for me is always the written sentiments.

Looking to transcend the two-dimensionality of the printed card, I envisioned a living Valentine that combined the old-timey whimsy of the illustrations with the hokiness of the punny inscription.  Gathering my supplies - and my wits - I struggled to find an original concept.

Supplies included heart-shaped safety pins, washi tape, googly eyes, pipe cleaner, and the omnipresent rick rack.

I finally came up with an idea that reflected my penchant for dad jokes, poorly-executed crafts, and killing weak plant life.  A discount cactus became the perfect foil for my Valentine's Day dream.

"You're Lookin' SHARP, Valentine!

SEW I won't stop NEEDLING you
until you put the "US" in CACTUS!"

Three puns in one sentence, that's a wacky tacky world record!
It wasn't my first instinct to use "cactus," but "succulent" lent itself to some rather unsavory word play.

Like more CUSHION for the PUSHIN'...

I could've sworn that I had at least 1,700 of those tomato pin cushions.
When I could find nary a one, I was forced to make my own
using polka dot remnants and some baker's twine.

I'll STRING ALONG with you!

Okay, baker's twine may have become something of a crafting cliche but on a
vintage wooden spool, it looks way better than plain, old, mercerized cotton.

"I'll String Along With You" - Doris Day in My Dream is Yours (1949)
It was either this or "My PUNNY Valentine."

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: Mrs. Santa's Got A Brand New Hat

At this point, failure should be no surprise to me.  Nevertheless, I am often shocked by my own missteps, feeling particularly disappointed when said failure results from a supposed area of personal expertise (e.g. crazy homemade hats).   Disappointment abounds in Mr. Tiny's Workshop...

Intent on showing off my wacky tacky Tree Toppers to the family, I paraded them through the living room before the hot glue was even dry.  So busy humming "Pomp and Circumstance," I completely misjudged the time it would take to finish the song before explaining my creations.  I had barely uttered the last "duh-dum" when Mary pounced.  Practically wrenching it from my hands, she perched the snow angel atop her head and covetously inquired if it was to be her Christmas hat.

Why hadn't I thought of that?!!  

Really, why?!!  I mean, I have long held the reputation for turning just about anything into a hat - candy containers, placemats, fruit baskets, paper plates, panty hose and whiffle balls, etc.  If I hadn't thought of transforming my dollar-store delights into headpieces then I was fairly certain that my imagination was broken.  I had failed the holiday.  I had failed myself.  The only way to rectify the situation was to make some holiday headware that would sustain Mary throughout a season's worth of parties.  This year, instead of a Christmas dress, Mary would get a Christmas head-dress - with one caveat; I told her that if I made the hat, she had to wear it to at least one holiday party.

It all began in very much the same way as the tree toppers; the usual suspects included glitter tulle, doll head/hands, graduated bells, pipe cleaner, and pompoms.  The red, white, and black tinsel trimmings came from a deconstructed penguin decoration found at the 99 Cents Store.

As I had used the baby doll head for the snow angel, all I had were the face and hands of a sweet, bespectacled old lady (but enough about me).  Using them, I carefully began transforming the flotsam and jetsam of the craft stash into the merriest of Christmas widows, Mrs. Santa.

I gave Mrs. Santa a full makeover (including a touch up of her eyes, lips, and hair).
She wears a mobcap and proffers a miniature Christmas tree from the cake supply store.
The two-tired skirt works as a veil; the white tinsel trim is wired so the veil can be shaped as needed.

As the hat grew in size and scope, it occurred to me that maybe this might be a bet that even I didn't have the nerve to enforce.  But Mary called my bluff.  Not only did she wear the Mrs. Santa hat to a party - she kind of rocked it.

In a bizarre, crazy Christmas way it works, right?
And when it is not in commission as a hat, it can
be employed as a super-festive toilet paper cozy! 

Mary also upped the ante of the bet; at the very last minute (as we were on our way out the door), she dared me to wear a crazy party hat.  With negative time on my hands and no hat, I grabbed a tinsel tree decoration from the side table, quickly wiring on some ornaments and a bit of elastic to make an "aluminum" christmas tree hat.

Leave it to these two weirdos to show up at a fancy, grown-up
holiday party wearing homemade garbage on their heads.

The strange part is that the hats were actually a hit!  As it turns out, having a Christmas tree sitting on your head is quite the ice-breaker; all evening long conversations began by acknowledging the celephant in the room...and the hat on his head.

"Um...my eyes are down here."

Even Sage, our host for the evening, approved of the ceiling-scraping millinery.
We're sending a plaster repairman next week. 

To balance the sky-high spectacle on her head, Mary wore all vintage - a black '40s dress in rayon crepe, costume jewelry, and a '40s fur jacket.  In spite of the ebullient holiday cheer inherent in Mrs. Santa, the outfit read as a wartime femme fatale in an unlikely and depressing yuletide movie (see: Christmas Holiday).  And so we say to you...

"Merry Christmas and A Happy Noir Year...'Always!'"

"Always" - Deanna Durbin in Christmas Holiday (1944)

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: wacky tacky Tree Toppers Two Ways

Grandmas are so crafty, spending countless hours leading up to every holiday ping-ponging between their Pfaffs, tangles of yarn and crochet hooks, and shakers full of glitter.  The only thing more comforting than learning the myriad ways in which pom-poms and bits of felt can be transformed into everything from tree skirts to toilet-paper cozies was the warmth of being gathered into the suffocating succor of her bosomy embrace.

This Christmas' Crazy Crafty projects should prove every bit as comforting as granny crafts of yore; but just imagine, instead of a sweet old granny, a large man of equally heavy bosom slinging a glue gun as hot as a two-dollar pistol.  Struggling every year to find the tree topper of my dreams, it finally came time to make one - or two - of my own.

Early drafts of potential tree toppers were expected to follow the cone-shaped body of this
angelic Phyllis Diller lookalike.  But Phyllis' stick-straight lines just weren't going to cut
it for the more womanly angel that I had in mind. 

Inspiration struck in the curvy form of a bell!  As per usual, my craft-making ethos is, "If it ain't in the stash or it can't be found at the 99 Cents Store, then it's probably not going to happen."  So, I headed to the mecca of the impecunious crafter, finding among other sundries a set of three graduated, silver bells.  Gathering metallic rickrack, tinsel pipe cleaner, glitter tulle, and the disembodied doll parts that my brother and his wife found in a dark corner of their garage (p.s.  If you think I'm creepy, what does that say about them and their garage), I began to assemble my angel.

My supplies - if it doesn't include a toilet-paper roll, liquid-soap bottle, or
cottage cheese container then it doesn't really count as a granny craft, does it?

"If I were a bell, I'd be ringing!"

I covered the cardboard roll with colored paper and secured it inside the large bell base.
I shrouded a smaller bell in glitter tulle and finished it with a band of rickrack at the
bottom and at the neckline.

I "fleshed out" the upper arms with tinsel pipe cleaner. 

You little snow angel!

I fashioned the wings and the silver petal peplum out of a deconstructed Christmas flowers from the 99.
The skirt is several layers of the tulle, gathered and then trimmed in rickrack. 

I won't say that my mom was dismayed exactly; perhaps "confused" is a better word for her mental state when she discovered two of her thirty-something sons excitedly discussing the merits of DIY doll making and the results of such.  Forgetting about the bag of doll parts he had donated to the cause, my brother though that the snow angel was vintage - a compliment indeed!

Maybe she couldn't appreciate it because she hadn't notice how liberally
I applied the half-used packet of sticky-backed rhinestones to the skirt.

Never one to leave tacky enough alone, I spied the one remaining unadorned figural lady lamp among the wacky tacky archives (you may recall from the Crazy Crafty post about "The Lady in the Tutti Frutti Lamp" that independently of one another, each of my brother's gave me the same sexy-lady lamp base).  Momentarily angry at myself for heretofore overlooking her obvious holiday charms, I quickly realized that it was not too late to explore her tree-topping potential.

"Merry Christmas, boys!"

Following similar steps to the snow angel tree topper, I made a teal under dress with a full circle skirt and an over dress of teal netting trimmed in iridescent rickrack and rhinestones.

Wanting to disguise the socket, I found among the christmas hoardings a fully-lit, flashing tree topper.
Remembering that there exists such a thing as a socket -to-outlet converter, I hid the wires and plugged it in.

I think the tinsel headdress transforms this snow girl into
 a full-on showgirl - an ode to Electra from Gypsy.

Devil or angel?
I even made her stacks of rickrack-and-rhinestone bangles!

"I'm electrifyin' and I ain't even tryin'!"

Here shine the two of the wacky-tacky-est tree toppers in all of their glittering, yuletide glory.

Do you ever get the feeling, like you've created a cherished family 

heirloom before you've even had time to share your project?

I do.

As you can kind of see, the snow angel was awarded pride of place rather
than our version of "the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."
It's a good thing for the runner-up that we have erected two christmas trees this year! 

Have you made any Christmas crafts this year?  If you're not thrilled with who sits atop your tree year after year, remember that granny always said, "Idle hands are the devil's playground;" get those holiday hands busy and make your own wacky tacky tree topper!

"You Gotta Get a Gimmick" from Gypsy (1962)

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Havin' a Ball at the Las Floristas Headdress Ball!

I'll go ahead and say it.  I like funerals.

It is said that funerals (memorials, celebrations of life, et al.) are not for the dearly departed.  Instead, they are for the living.  It may sound bonkers but nothing makes me want to go on living like a funeral - not so much for a fear of death, rather because hearing about the way that a successful life is one lived in a spirit of service and adventure, can be a somber reminder that there is still much living and learning to do.

Last weekend we drove several hours to attend the memorial service of a family friend who left an incredible legacy of beauty, joy, and mischief.  While the better part of three decades had passed since I had any direct contact with this friend, attending her memorial service was a wonderful opportunity to have my vaguely-marvelous memories of this unerringly-chic woman substantiated by the fond remembrances of her loved ones.

Susie, 1958
Isn't she breathtaking?  I think of Susie every time I make a dress or skirt for Mary;
she was quoted as saying, "A proper skirt should never have less than 5 yards of fabric."
(A higher-resolution image can be see here)

A statuesque octogenarian who referred to herself as 5'12", Susie was adventurer, wife, philanthropist, teacher, mother, model, artist, and chef all rolled into one.  When the announcement of her passing came, we were both saddened and intrigued - saddened, of course, by the loss and intrigued by the stunning images her family shared of Susie's incredible life.  In one particular photograph, dated 1958, Susie is donning a couture creation (remarkable for its multi-colored, asymmetrical peplum-turned-train) and a dramatic, oversized headdress.  My thoughts turned immediately to I Love Lucy and the episode, "Lucy Gets in Pictures" (1955).

When Lucy buckles under the pressure of this towering headdress,
she gets downgraded from cinema star to simple supernumerary.

Built for laughs, Lucy's headdress had nothing on the height, breadth, and splendor of Susie's phenomenal headpiece (and let it be noted that there isn't even the slightest trace of strain on Susie's unblemished brow).  Perhaps it is bad form at a memorial to so enthusiastically inquire about the origins of a sixty-year-old photograph but included in a slideshow tribute were a few equally-intriguing images that left us feeling like this was more than an ordinary fashion show.  Our piqued interest reached its collective peak when "showgirl" was not mentioned among her may artistic exploits.  As it turns out, Susie was a long-time participant with Las Floristas, a Los Angeles-based charity benefitting the health and educational concerns of special-needs children at Rancho Los Amigos National Rehabilitation Center's children's clinic.  Since 1938, the Las Floristas Headdress Ball, has been the charity's largest annual fundraiser.  Each year, similar fantasies fashioned of feathers and flowers, designed and built by professional florists, seem to grow in complexity and size (as shown in the videos below).

Las Floristas Headdress Ball (1938-1967)

(Susie can be seen at least twice is this video at about 4:50 wearing 

the gown and headdress combo above and approximately 5:35)

Las Floristas Headdress Ball (1968-1990)

Have you ever?  I have never.  I mean, did you see Susie with the scale-model Ice Capades dancer on her head?  Did you see the lady doing the Charleston?  Not to mention Eve, the functioning ferris wheel, the pirate ship, the mermaid leading her seahorse chariot, the giant opening ball thing, and the LOBSTER!!!  Oh, the lobster!  As far as I'm concerned, the Rose Parade can go suck an egg.

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My newest research project is to see how these pieces are made; even with paper, aluminum, silk flowers, foam, and featherweight plastics, these works of wearable art have got to be heavy (some of the models are concealing cleverly-disguised braces/supports).  I saw somewhere that the staff of the Headdress Ball includes an orthopedic surgeon to consult on the maximum height and weight of the headdresses.  Of course, the next move would be to wrangle an invitation to the Headdress Ball - even behind the scenes.  If you have an in, please let me know; I've got to see this for myself!

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So now do you see why I like funerals?  People are fascinating and full of personal histories to which we may not always be privy; as heartbreaking as the occasion may be, it is a thrill to learn more about the person and a challenge to be more like him or her.  I am grateful to Susie and her family for being a wonderful example of inclusivity, generosity, and kindness.  How lucky we were to have our lives touched by such a force of light and love!  If a pretty girl is like a melody, then Susie was SYMPHONY!

To find out more about Las Floristas, the Headdress Ball, and to donate, please visit lasfloristas.org.
To find out more about the Las Floristas Children's Clinic at Rancho Los Amigos National Rehabilitation Center, please visit rancho.org.


Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: A Sock Monkey's "Tail"

Hand-me-downs work in mysterious ways.

Despite his protestations to the contrary, my older brother is kind of a hip artist; professionally, he works as a graphic artist and screen printer but his passions are illustration, lowbrow culture, and motorcycles.  Being well-connected in the action sportswear industry and motorcycle/chopper scene means that he often gets insider hook-ups.  Fortunately for me, the trickle-down effect applies even when it comes to such pedestrian things as socks!  Recently, I procured from him a few pairs of brand-spanking-new Stance Socks.  In all honesty, I was a little concerned by the obsession my bearded brother and his tough-looking biker friends have with the preciously-patterned, often intentionally-mismated socks (designed and worn by the likes of Rihanna).  One wear of the socks, however, was enough to change my derisive tune.  Without sounding like a paid testimonial, all I will say is that the cushioned sole, the downy-soft yarns, and the comforting compression of the elastic fibers, are total game-changers.  If socks were hugs, then Stance would be my large-bosomed grandma.  This is why, with only three sets to my name, I was reticent to destroy even one pair of these footwear phenoms.  But given the color story and pattern of this particular pair, I was left with no choice but to turn to one of the Depression-era's most popular crafts.

It's nearly impossible to believe that the designers at Stance intended these to be anything but a sock monkey!

In the 1930s, the "Rockford Red Heel," a sock manufactured by the Nelson Knitting Company, became the standard for creating the iconic sock monkey.  With their heathery field punctuated by  "Rockford Red" heels and toes, these socks were practicaly foreordained to become my nephew's refashioned Christmas present.

Every year I make my nephew some kind of stuffed animal as part of Christmas/Birthday/Easter present.  With the socks burning a hole in my creative pocket and the years waning in which he will still be able to appreciate "Pirelephant", Pinkeroni the pink easter bunny, or Egghead the clown, this year was my last chance to be the (sock) monkey's uncle!

"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
It's a bit creepy but aren't all sock monkeys?

I considered making an après-ski ensemble but with the striped toe of the sock automatically becoming
the sock monkey's permanent knitted cap; the only thing I needed to add was a red pompom on top.

I wish I could say that it was a conscious design choice, but the fact is that I didn't consider a tail when portioning out the precious knitted real estate of these hand-me-down, high-style socks.  Icould tell you that "I'm mad about about [this] chimpanzee" but...

One look at his bright-red hind quarters reveals that he is much more likely a sock baboon (and even
they have tails).  Please excuse me while I go fashion a tail out of sock scraps before Christmas Eve!

Sometimes I think just pretend to make these things for my nephew when I really kind of make them for myself.  Lucky for him, I do hand over custody but I have been granted frequent visitation.  I'm pleased that he continues to enjoy his growing menagerie of stuffed animals because I definitely get a kick out of making them.  Truth be told, if he didn't like them, I probably would continue to make them and keep them for myself.

I hope a new simian styling and a ride in a vintage Hy-Speed wagon do not undermine the street cred
of these super-hip superstar socks.  In fact, I hope that Stance hires me for their new craft division (with
Martha Stewart as the face of the brand, probably).

I even left the branding intact just so that Stance knew I was
serious about collaborating with Rihanna on her next line of socks.

I don't know that it strikes the same cool chord as an internationally-known pop star (or even a group of miscreant bikers), but I think I have a slogan for Stance's as yet untapped market; "Stance: the heart & sole of crafting!"

"The Monkey's Uncle" - Annette Funicello & The Beach Boys

Cheers!

Mr. Tiny

Crazy Crafty: The ADVENT of the Dollar Store ADVENT!!!

The dollar store is the only retail environment in which I can afford to browse.  Typically, I am the type of shopper who treats a trip to the store like a combination obstacle course/scavenger hunt, jumping hurdles and ferreting out the necessary items in record time; seriously, I can do a full Costco run in under twenty minutes!  But the dollar store is a different story.  It's the one place where I don't have to casually turn items over, discretely checking for a price before gingerly setting them down, trying desperately to quell an acute onset of the vapors.  At the dollar store, I am Oprah.  It takes all of my limited will-power not to extend my beneficence to every other cost-conscious consumer, shouting, "You get some corn picks!  You get some cough drops!  You get a coloring book!" - especially at Christmastime.

Strutting the holiday aisles of the dollar store in a lordly manner, I am supremely confident in the knowledge that I can buy anything in sight - often in multiples - and still remain solvent.  It is here that I look for inspiration for Christmas crafts as there are at least 1,225 things one can do with a spray of pine cones covered in gold glitter and styrofoam snow.  This year, however, nothing intrinsically holiday-related was speaking to me.  This year, I had to search further afield; I had to hunt in the "Health & Beauty" aisle.

It occurred to me several years ago that these ordinary, weekly pill organizers made perfect sense as the foundation
of an advent calendar.  My nephew's obsession with the disposable advent calendar I sent him last year was the only motivation I needed to finally turn this dollar store bargain into a Crazy Crafty Christmas Miracle!

With some adhesive-backed craft paper from the stash and a sheet of dollar-
store stickers, we transformed the pill cases from utilitarian to beau-tilitarian.

As with all of my experiments in Crazy Crafty, I tend to go off half-cocked.  With absolutely no plan and no instructions to follow, I have to make things up as I go along (and disaster often ensues).

My original thought was just to simply glue each pill case together.
Unfortunately, that would have prohibited the proper function of those little hinged doors.

Instead, I punched a hole in the top and bottom of every Saturday and Sunday, stringing
the cases together with a double-thickness of baker's twine and bead spacers in between.

Fully-functioning advent doors reveal mini chocolate balls, holiday
stickers, money, and a few toys/trinkets that I had lying around.

Sure, it's a little cutesy for my usual taste, but I know one five-year-old who will love it!

Lest that same five-year-old think that it's all about him, I got weird and found a plastic baby at the cake-supply store, wrapping Him in bias-tape swaddling clothes and giving Him a grommet halo.

"Go, Shawty.  It's Thine birthday.
We're gonna party like it's Thine birthday!!!"

Do you have any new holiday crafting ideas for this year?  Will you too find your supplies next to the stool softeners and pregnancy tests at your local dollar store?  Whatever you've got planned for the holiday season, we hope that your days may be Merry & Bright!

"White Christmas" - The Drifters

 Cheers!

Mr. Tiny