The High Crusade (1994)

Directed by: Klaus Knoesel  and Holger Neuhäuser

Run time: 100 minutes

To say this movie is an adaptation of the book The High Crusade by Poul Anderson is the same as saying that the script was written by a lawyer and a seeing eye dog. In the book The High Crusade, a group of English knights are getting ready to attack the French. They are interrupted by alien expedition force who also are looking for a fight. The English knights don't really care who's ass gets kicked as long as they are doing the kicking and proceed to wipe out the aliens. With their new found ship and alien weapons the English knights encourage the captured alien pilot to take them to Jerusalem so they can free the holy lands. The alien pilot instead takes the knights to one of the alien planets. These knight came to fight, liberate, and chew gum and gum hasn't been invented yet. So the knights go on a crusade destroying the alien empire.

This movie has next to nothing to do with the plot of the book. Father Sallah (John Rhys-Davies) narrates the adventures of Sir Not Robin of Locksley and his collection of fools. The movie proper starts just before Sir Not Robin of Locksley's wedding to Lady 50's Stereotype. The two of them met at an archery contest for her hand and she agreed to the marriage if Sir Not Robin would not go to war. To make Sir Not Robin more suitable for Lady Stereotype taste in men a stereotypical Frenchmen who spends more time seducing Lady Stereotype than his job. Finally there is Sir Not Robin's friend Sir Idiot. Sir Idiot likes wenches, leading idiotic charges, and being an idiot. Now that we have meet most major characters on to what could passes for a plot.

Sir Not Robin and Lady Stereotype's wedding is interrupted by a messenger from the crusades who is being chased by three Saracens. Sir Not Robin takes out the Saracens with oversized arrow and learns from the dying messenger that some other English Lord is being overrun and needs reinforcements from some other lord that is not Sir Not Robin. Being the twit and sassenach Sir Not Robin vows to set out to the holy lands the next day to help this lord. That night the aliens arrive and start attacking Sir Not Robin's keep. Sir Not Robin and his forces fight back, destroy the expedition force, and capture the pilot. Father Sallah and two idiots are tasked with learning the alien language and everything they can about the ship.

Father Sallah learns the alien language, Sir Not Robin packs everyone from his keep into the ship, and the lot of idiots get the alien pilot to fly them to Jerusalem. The alien instead goes to his home planet. This leads to the humans and the aliens trying to out stupid each other for the rest of the film. Eventually the aliens prove to be much dumber than the humans and the best part of the movie happens. It ends.

This movie was funnier when I first watched it on cable. The aliens had subtitles when they were not speaking English unlike the DVD were they don't and some of the humour is lost because of that. Otherwise it is a dumb comedy and the kind of dumb comedy you have to be in the mood for. An example of the kind of humour this movie has is an exchange between Sir Not Robin and Sir Idiot. They are debating which is a better weapon, the alien tech or a bow and arrow. As luck would have it, a pair of rabbits appear and they conduct a test to see which weapon is better. Sir Idiot used the alien weapon and turned his rabbit into ash. Sir Not Robin used a bow and arrow and had a rabbit for diner. So clearly the bow and arrow was the better technology.

If you are looking for a stupid comedy, you are in the mood for a stupid comedy, and it shows up on cable or streaming this is the movie for you. Otherwise it is a movie that you can go your entire life not seeing and you will not miss a thing.

Make or Break: This movie tries too hard to be funny. It's like a high school production of Monty Python sketches done badly. Lots energy and cringe for very little pay off.

MVP: Jim Bean Devil's Cut and Pepsi. A little bit of bourbon makes anything watchable.

Score: 3.5 out of 10

                    

Felidae (1995)

**POSSIBLE SPOILERS**

Francis (Ulrich Tukur) is a cat whose owner (the cats in the film refer to humans as “can openers”) Gustav (Manfred Steffen) has just moved to a new neighborhood.  Discovering a dead cat in his backyard, Francis joins up with local curmudgeon Blaubart (Mario Adorf) to unveil the killer and expose the truth behind it all.

Martin Schaack’s Felidae is an animated film (in case the fact that its main characters are felines didn’t tip you off, though I guess this could also have been something along the lines of Look Who’s Talking Now) based on a series of novels by Akif Pirincci (I surmise this film is adapted from the first book), and without giving too much away, I’m rather surprised it hasn’t been seen by more people or been talked about more than it has.  This film could easily stand shoulder to shoulder with the dynamic duo of mature-themed cartoons, Watership Down and The Plague Dogs (or frankly any others you would care to name).  If you’re a parent, I’m not sure this is something you should show the kids just yet, however (though I’m positive there are folks who threw it on for the kids assuming all cartoons are kiddie fare, and besides, if you’re reading this, I’m going to also assume you’re the sort who knows a bit about what you and your family watch before you watch it).  There is graphic violence, including beheadings and disembowelings.  There are cats having sex.  There are (perhaps the most disturbing element) scenes of live cats being brutally experimented on by Professor Preterius (the name a clear [and fitting] callback to The Bride of Frankenstein and portrayed here by Gerhard Garbers).  So, if these are things you’re uncomfortable watching, you will want to pick something else for family movie night (or your own personal viewing, for that matter). 

Nevertheless, the adult components of the film are essential to the story, and I think had the choice been made to not depict these things in this manner, it would have done a disservice to the film’s themes.  Naturally, when you pair felines up with murder, the first thought in most people’s heads is “curiosity killed the cat,” and that certainly holds true in Felidae.  Francis is an innately inquisitive character, and he knows a thing or two about what makes cats (and people) tick.  This is summed up nicely in the opening moments when Francis comments that Gustav is a student of archaeology who makes his money writing trashy novels and moves frequently when the creative well runs dry.  But Francis knows this is little more than an excuse Gustav gives rather than dealing with his problems head on.  Francis also detects odors coming from upstairs that immediately set him on edge, but we also know there is no way he will resist the temptation to explore further, as with the killings.  This self-awareness is depicted and foreshadowed in Francis’ dreams.  In the first one, Francis is attracted to a door filled with pure white light (read: truth).  But inside the door, he encounters a faceless doctor (guess who?) who gifts him with a diamond-studded collar that transforms into a choking shackle and set of chains that drag him down to Hell.     

More alarming (yet equally in line with the above, and you can thank me later for not using the term “shocking”), is our introduction to the cult of Claudandus (a fabled cat martyr/god; the name being Latin for “he who must be concealed, locked away”), whom we are introduced to during one of their meetings.  The flock, lead by Joker (Ulrich Wildgruber), fling themselves into an apparatus which violently electrocutes them.  Whether they are killed or just stunned by this action, I’m not fully sure, because killing one’s congregation is not a great way to keep it, but the cats who go through this masochism are not shown moving (or breathing) afterward.  We know that when a religious leader is shown spewing fire and brimstone in a film, he/she is typically either crazy, false, or both.  The cats that are in the cult are curious about Claudandus, about religion, and this will get them knowingly hurt and very likely unknowingly killed.  The religious facet ties into the entirety of the film, not simply as a group of misguided cats being manipulated by forces higher up, but as the embodiment of the power of ideology/theology itself.  

Sexuality ties in strongly with both of these elements, too.  The whole idea of being in heat, of rutting with whoever is available and in proximity, is important to the film’s plot.  The cats being killed have not been neutered.  On the one hand, this plays into the idea of curiosity, since these cats cannot help but screw when the first opportunity arises with other cats about which they know nothing.  The very fact they do this places them in danger (for a couple of reasons).  On the other hand, there is the notion of the religious right’s classic condemnation of unchecked sexuality.  Taking out of the equation the idea of what constitutes cat morality (we already know cats have an idea of Hell from Francis’ nightmares) or fidelity, the violation of this theological edict conceivably damns a given cat’s soul.  In Felidae, casual sex can lead to physical and spiritual destruction.

Even if none of my quasi/pseudo-intellectualizing draws you to this movie (and there are other things going on which may; I just don’t want to give away the store, as it were), the film is structured and told in a visually interesting fashion.  Most shots not involving closeups on cats are framed with Dutch angles.  It’s fairly rare to see perpendicular or parallel lines in much of the film’s compositions, and much of the scenery appears twisted in some aspect of another.  Bright lights are also a rarity, lending the movie some verisimilitude and reinforcing its dark underpinnings.  There are also a lot of bird’s eye view perspective shots (an indication of a deity observing and judging the characters as well as a reference to the characteristic of felines to sit up high on furniture/appurtenances looking down on the world around them).  Further, the film has the distinct flavor of a hardboiled detective novel.  A character is presented with a crime and feels compelled to discover the criminals.  Secondary characters appear to both menace the main character and throw him off the trail (most notably the marvelously designed Kong [Wolfgang Hess], who reminded me of the feline version of Chuck Jones’ Marc Antony character).  Others provide clues, the doling out of which places them in immediate danger.  The protagonist alone can follow the convolutions of what’s going on, the only one beside the antagonist who can put the pieces together in the proper order.  And ultimately, this protagonist is the only one who can confront the antagonist with the truth, though the answers will likely bring a bittersweet resolution.  Slightly lighter in tone than the aforementioned anthropomorphized animations, Felidae still packs one hell of a satisfying wallop.

MVT:  The basis for the narrative is intriguing and chilling, and I feel that it strengthens even after the main mystery is solved.  In other words, it’s not a one-trick pony, and it will reward on future viewings. 

Make or Break:  When the Claudandus cult makes its eyebrow-raising entrance, you instantly know there is much more going on in this film than might be expected.  

Score:  7.5/10

Episode #320: Only Lovers Left Alive

Welcome to the GGtMC!!!

This week Sammy and Will couldn't get together due to scheduling difficulties so we are blessed to have great friends of the show, Scott and Kat from Married with Clickers podcast, fill in for us!!! They are bringing you a review of the Jim Jarmusch film Only Lovers Left Alive (2014).

Thanks again to Scott and Kat and make sure to check out Married with Clickers!!!

Direct download: ggtmc_320.mp3

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Adios!!!

Episode #281: Miami Romance

Welcome back to another episode of the GGtMC!!!

This week we have two selections from two great friends of the show!!! First up Wendi from Double Page Spread podcast chose Romance (1999) directed by Catherine Breillat and then Kelly chose Miami Vice (2006) directed by Michael Mann!!!

We want to thank them both for the choices and the support!!!

Direct download: ggtmc_281.mp3

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Adios!!!

Episode #274: A Simple War Dog

Welcome back for another ride with the GGtMC!!!

This week we have two more Kickstarter sponsored shows this week for you and we brought along a few friends for the reviews this week! First up, Cinemasochist Justin selected War Dog (1987) directed by Bjorn Carlstrom and Danieal Huebenbecher. We then bring in Uncool Cat Chris for coverage of A Simple Plan (1998) directed by Sam Raimi. We wish to thank the guys for the donation and the great conversation.

Direct download: ggtmc_274.mp3 

 

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Voicemails to 206-666-5207

Adios!!!

Episode #266: Underground 2000

Welcome back for another episode of the GGtMC!!!

THis week we have a couple Kickstarter picks from Martin and Ryan and they chose some diverse films for us to discuss. Martin chose Underground (1995) directed by Emir Kusturica and Ryan chose any Billy Blanks joint so we went with TC 2000 (1993) starring Blanks, Bolo Yeung, Jalal Mehri and Matthias Hues!!! We thank them for the support and the selections!!!

Direct download: ggtmc_266.mp3 

 

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Voicemails to 206-666-5207

Adios!!!

Episode #214: Ghost Dog Justice

Welcome back to the GGtMC!!!

Sammy has returned from an illness that plagued him last week and Will is back and full of FIRE!! This week we brought long time friend to the show, The Back of Forest Whitaker's Neck, on for some coverage and we have some doozies for ya!!! We covered Steel Justice (1987) starring martin Kove and Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999) directed by Jim Jarmusch with Forest Whitaker and Henry Silva!!!!

We had a great time discussing these two films with a man we consider blood when it comes to love of cinema!!!

Direct download: Ghost_Justice.mp3

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Vociemails to 206-666-5207

Adios!!!

METAL

Death Knocks Twice (1969)

Edmund Kemper is, to my mind, one of the scariest serial killers in American history. Beginning with killing his grandparents in 1964 and ending with the murder of his mother in 1973, his list of victims is short, but they are all the more frightful for the dispassion Kemper displayed both during and after their committal. Compounding this was his proclivity for necrophilia, as well as the mutilations he performed on the corpses. After murdering his mother in her sleep, using her severed head for oral sex, and stuffing her vocal cords down the garbage disposal (he was quoted as saying, "That seemed appropriate, as much as she'd bitched, and screamed, and yelled at me over so many years"), he strangled his mother's best friend and then turned himself in after a brief flight from the law. This behavior is far removed from what we have been fed (mostly, but especially during the glory days of exploitation cinema) in popular narratives. There the killers are suave and charming, and when they kill, they typically do so with a bug-eyed mania. Yet the quiet force of will of someone like an Edmund Kemper makes him many times over more bloodcurdling than the majority of serial killers committed to film and certainly more so than Francisco Villaverde (Fabio Testi) in Harald Philipp's Death Knocks Twice (aka The Blonde Connection, aka Blonde Köder Für Den Mörder). 

After kibitzing in the surf with nubile blonde Lois Simmons (Femi Benussi) for a little while, Villaverde suddenly "goes nuts" and chokes the young woman. His crime is witnessed by both Riccardo (Mario Brega) and the unctuous Amato Locatelli (Riccardo Garrone), both of whom work at a beach hotel resort owned by Charlie (Werner Peters). Private dick and all-around physical specimen Bob Martin (Dean Reed) is hired by old pal and Continental Detective Agency owner Pepe(General Burkhalter himself, Leon Askin), and their first job (of course) is to find out what happened to the aforementioned Ms. Simmons and her bejeweled necklace. 

The no-bullshit private investigator is something that's been around for decades. Sam Spade, Mike Hammer, and so on all cut to the chase immediately. They don't bother with niceties and their social graces would make a caveman blush. But we love them because they do two things; One, they smack lowlifes around until they uncover the truth, and two, they get the girl (usually, though number one is definite). Unhindered by the red tape and laws that restrict most police officers from bringing swift justice to the bad guys, the PI can go where he wants, bend or even break the law, and get physical with no one to stop him from doing so. Bob fits into this category, in as much as the film allows him to do so. He is rude to his client (asking what he figures are vital questions but really just being kind of a jerk) and immediately knows what to do to catch Lois's killer (go undercover, of course, using his fiancée Ellen [Ini Assmann] as bait). And here's the first misstep that the film takes. For two people who seem so attached and devoted at the outset, neither member of this couple seems to give a second thought to making out with other people (and bear in mind, Ellen is not a PI, or at least we are not told she is) to get the job done. It would be one thing if they were forced into this position. It would be one thing if one or the other had to make a choice, knowing that their loved one is remaining faithful. But this just comes off in the film like cheap hustling, and even that could be forgiven if it weren't for the films other problems.

Investigation movies and movies about murderers will generally fall into one of two categories. They are either about uncovering the identity of an unknown villain and bringing him/her to justice, or they are about the characters of both the chaser and the chased and why and how they do what they do. Philipp's film does away with any real mystery by showing us Villaverde losing it and strangling Lois from the outset. What could have been interesting (the witnessing of said action and the consequences of it) is never explored (or at least not explored to its fullest or even in a relatively compelling way). Instead, the entirety of the film is a series of scenes which play out exactly as we expect them to, with no revelations (unless the filmmakers honestly believed that what they state about any of the characters could in any way be misconstrued as revelatory) save one at the climax, which by that point is so shrug-inducing as to make you wonder why they even bothered. Admittedly, the introduction of Sophia and the Professor (Anita Ekberg and Adolfo Celi, respectively) do give the viewer a dash of hope, but said hope is soon dashed, when these two (admittedly more menacing) characters are as mishandled as the others. The filmmakers don't just underplay the murders or the crimes and machinations, they seemingly just don't care about them. They're there, they happened, we filmed them, and then put them in order and put credits on it. The end.

Villaverde's character could have been used to make a statement (or at least be developed as more than just a movie psycho) about sex, art, and death. He gets horny, he gets kill-happy, and he paints a portrait of his victim. At an art show, we see many portraits of women, and we assume they were all painted by Villaverde (they do have a similar style). We also assume, then, that he may have killed all these women. Do the filmmakers show us anything to back this up? No. Do they even treat this aspect as if it were something with some significance? No. The paintings are just there in the background. Truthfully, I am projecting my thoughts about the artworks in some desperate bid to give this film, its characters, and story a scintilla of weight, but I'm afraid that it just doesn't fly. Like every other character and subplot in the film, Villaverde's story comes off as capricious and trivial, a character here to give us some flavor but utterly failing to do so. And by the time you get to the offhanded ending, you finally realized where you've seen this before: on some crappy, television show about some hunky PI and completely interchangeable with same, except for some nudity (which is the one thing that will pep up the audience through the runtime). So death can knock twice, it can knock a hundred times. Wait for a good film to knock, instead.

MVT: Adolfo Celi as the Professor is everything a villain can be, and the man tries. The scenes with him in them are more effective than any others (slight praise, indeed), but even his stoic performance (and he's the only character in the film who should be acting aloof) just can't raise this film past a very low bar.

Make Or Break: The Break is not any one scene. Instead it's the overall arbitrariness and general bungling of just about everything in the film with the exception of the groovy lounge score by Piero Umiliani.

Score: 5/10 

  

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Episode #188: M

Welcome to another episode of the GGtMC!!!

This week the Gents bring you coverage of M (1931) directed by Fritz Lang and starring Peter Lorre, we want to thank the good folks at boulevardmovies.com for sponsoring this week's show as we are looking at M on the Criterion Blu Ray release!!!

We also cover a generous amount of feedback and go off on many tangents that seem odd but have a purpose....we think?

Direct download: M.mp3

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Voicemails to 206-666-5207

Episode #186: Inglorious Scoumoune

Welcome to another episode of the GGtMC!!!

THis week the Gents rise from bed (5am recording) to bring you another (in)glorious episode of the podcast you have come to love!!! This week the Gents bring you reviews of Inglourious Basterds (2009) directed by Quentin Tarantino and La Scoumoune (1972) starring Jean-Paul Belmondo.

Direct download: Inglorious_ScoumouneRM.mp3

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Voicemails to 206-666-5207

Adios!!!

Episode #158: To Be Benjamenta

Welcome to the GGtMC!!!

This week Large William and Sammy are back together for another episode and it feels so right!!! We cover Fernando Di Leo's To Be Twenty (1978) and The Quay Brothers Institute Benjamenta (1995).

Next week we are going to try to tackle the majority of your feedback and cover a film, so thank you for being patient with the GGtMC schedule.

Direct download: To_Be_BenjamentaRM.mp3

Emails to midnitecinema@gmail.com

Voicemails to 206-666-5207

Adios!!!

Episode #59: Far Cries Of The Boll

So this week, Large William had internet connection issues and we had to go to very good friend of the show, Miles from ShowShow, to sit in for a review.
Miles and Sammy review FAR CRY (2008) by director Uwe Boll. It was a spirited conversation and I want to personally thank him for stepping in for Large William.
Large William and I did manage to tackle feedback however....ENJOY!!!