Playing God (1997)

Directed by: Andy Wilson
Runtime: 94 minutes

Today's entry has crime, improvised surgery, Russian mobsters, counterfeit goods that are spoken of and barely seen, and David Duchovny playing a sarcastic loner with drug problem. Though I am at a loss as to why it is not better known or why it is rated so low on movie sites.

The story revolves around Doctor Eugene Sands, a skilled surgeon who killed a patient due to fatigue and self medicating. Eleven months later,  he is unemployed and still abusing drugs.  While in a club buying drugs he witnesses a someone being gunned down.  So Eugene breaks the law and saves the guy's life. This brings Eugene to the attention of Ray Blossom. Ray deals in counterfeit goods, is in the process of screwing over his Russian business partners, and really wants to be Eugene's friend.

While Eugene is glad to be back doing what he was passionate about, Ray's criminal business plans are not going as well as he hoped. Ray has been setting up a deal with a corrupt Chinese government official and has left his Russian mob connections out of the deal. This leads to both sides shooting at each other and Eugene to be brought in to patch up the wounded. The other compilation is Claire, she is Ray's girlfriend and has a few issues with Eugene. Mostly she issues with his drug use and that Eugene is a screw up just looking for another way to screw up some more.

Eugene has second thoughts about being a on call mob doctor when he gets sent to patch up someone. Turns out the guy bleed to death over night and his friends want Eugene to "fix him". Eugene leaves after trying to explain that bad medical dramas are not a substitute for real medical advice. He also gets packed and is getting ready to leave Los Angeles, but the F.B.I. agent who broke into Eugene's house has other ideas. Eugene is given a choice, be a government informant or spend the next twenty years in jail for practicing medicine without a license, drug possession, and assaulting F.B.I. agent.

This is an action film without the lead being able awesome at everything and leaving a pile of bodies in his wake. Instead it is action film with a slow plot, people who act like real people, compilations of crime in the modern era, and a lot of dark humor.  Over all a fun, strange film in the crime genre that has aged fairly well. I have no problem recommending this movie for rental or streaming.

MVT: The scene with the surfer gunmen that want Eugene to fix their dead friend.

Make or Break: David Duchovny's narration in this film that ranges from dead pan and funny to annoying and needless.

Score: 7.85 out of 10

Black Scorpion II: Aftershock (1997)

Directed by: Jonathan Winfrey
Runtime: 86 minutes

This is the last of the Black Scorpion movies. It is cheesy, the hero has a tendency to kill villains, has nudity to encourage rental sales, and it is low budget. Despite this it is fun, feels like a comic book hero movie, and does not require antidepressants after viewing.

The opening title sequence also doubles as a montage to show what happened in the last film. Which leads into the movie proper with villains dressed as newly weds in a car chase with police. So of course the Black Scorpion shows up right after the only marked police car crashes and she goes after the newly wed bandits. Once she catches up to the bandits she promptly blows up the car because the villains just ran out of plot immunity.

This movie has three plots running at the same time. Plot A involves the Gangster Prankster. A low budget version of the Joker that has half of his face damaged and uses clown makeup to cover the scaring. He and his gang are out to cause as much mayhem as possible and destroy the Black Scorpion. Plot B involves Darcy and her relationship with her alter ego the Black Scorpion. Darcy is wanting to be cop less and being the Black Scorpion more. This is leads to all kinds of problems at work and in her personal life. At work her partner is not sure if he can trust her as she seems to be unwilling to go into dangerous situations. Her personal life is just as complicated as she wants her partner in bed without the aid of a costume and a taser. Finally Plot C deals with the fact that Angel City is broke due to the mayor stealing money from city and is hoping for earthquakes and federal disaster funds will help hide his crimes. However a scientist has found a way to stop earthquakes and the mayor can't have that. So he send some yes men to destroy the scientist machine and end up turn the scientist in the villain Aftershock.

In short that is the whole movie. There is not much else to talk about plot wise. A few scenes of female nudity at the beginning to sucker anyone who rented back when movie rental was a thing. There is no rape in this movie unlike the first movie. Also the villains suck in this movie the Gangster Prankster is an insufferable tool that is annoying in every scene he is in. Aftershock is just boring, she was created by a lab accident and mcguffin radiation and doesn't do much other than to advance Plot A.

Unless you are a hardcore Black Scorpion fan or suffer from clinical completion syndrome I can't really recommend owning this movie. This is a great movie if it happens to show up on one of the movie streaming sites or randomly on cable. Also if you are trapped inside due to heavy rain, snow, or a media circus has  taken up camp on your front lawn.

MVT: They use the 67 Stingray in this movie as well.

Make or Break: Every scene that has the Gangster Prankster is annoying and painful. Best way to put how annoying he is into words, a twelve year old high on sugar and adderall screaming fifty year old jokes and hitting you about the head with the book he got them from. 

Score: 4.3 out of 10

Bleeders (1997)

Incest has always been a go-to subject in the porn industry.  For a period of time in the Seventies and Eighties, it was acceptable and/or desired to watch family members bump uglies.  Entire movies were produced around the subject, and it played an integral plot point in some others (back when porn films actually attempted to have plots that they followed; and to be fair, some still do, but the vast array of what you’ll find out there on the internet is little more than loop scenes, the same as you would have found in a grotty porn theater booth way back when, just with [usually] better production values and a higher likelihood that you won’t stick to your chair afterward).  It’s still a theme in a lot of internet porn, except the producers are very, very careful to explain that incest is a crime in many states in America.  They further backstop this by concocting scenarios where the participants aren’t lineally related.  They are stepdads, stepdaughters, stepsons, stepmoms, et cetera.  Kind of takes the taboo elements out of the equation, doesn’t it?  In line with our focus today, incest is also an aspect of some potent horror films, and therein it doesn’t lose its bite, most likely because commonly there aren’t explicit, intrafamilial sex scenes that exploit that element.  In horror, incest takes on a sad, often abusive aspect, and when well done, it adds impact to the gut punch that horror films try to deliver.  With that said, the inbreeding component in Peter Svatek’s Bleeders (aka Hemoglobin aka The Descendant) does add to the film’s disturbing story, though the film feels like an amalgamation of older, Hammer-esque horror movies and more modern, graphic horror movies.

Back in Victorian times, Eva Van Daam takes up incest with her brother in an attempt to cure the maladies affecting her aristocratic family’s bloodline, like anemia and hemophilia, but bad things develop from this (who could have predicted that?).  Cut to: modern times, where John Strauss (Roy Dupuis) and wife Kathleen (Kristin Lehman) travel to the small island where the Van Daam family went into seclusion in search of answers to why John still has such horrible blood-based issues (I guess inbreeding didn’t do the trick).  Making the acquaintance of local physician/exile, Dr. Marlowe (Rutger Hauer), the couple dig deep into John’s lineage, while something else is digging deep into the flesh of the local populace.

As stated, Bleeders has a very classic structure to it.  There is little seen of the monsters until the end.  The majority of the story is a slow buildup of pieces being slid into place, of a mystery being dragged out into the light.  The focus is primarily on Kathleen and how she deals with her husband (who you would think would be the main character, but he’s not, and there is a significant reason for this) and his behavior.  Further, John is not a nice fellow, and physically he makes Richmond from The IT Crowd look like one of The Wiggles.  The action of the film is handled by Dr. Marlowe (in a redemptive/Van Helsing type of role), a man who is pulled into the story reluctantly.  I think this is a mistake, since it takes the focus off Kathleen, and it feels akin to the Amazing Larry suddenly becoming a prominent participant in the finale of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.  

There is also a Gothic atmosphere that the filmmakers use to its fullest extent.  The locales are dreary.  The island is remote and haunting, like the forested settings of a great many vampire films.  The buildings the Strausses investigate are constructed of cobbled stone and creepy as hell.  The local cemetery looks like it was transplanted from a blasted heath in Britain, and the coffins supplied by local exploitress Byrde Gordon (Joanna Noyes) are the plainest of old school pine boxes imaginable (that the damage done to them gives them an added texture is just gravy).  In the Hammer films of yore (by which I do believe the makers of this film were heavily influenced), there was a sensuality, and, for their time, they were considered quite lurid.  This film mirrors the feel of (early) Hammer, but makes more straightforward the more unseemly components (somewhat like later Hammer).  Bleeders is also daring enough to not only put children in peril but actually knock them off (and not just once for the sake of shock), and once the third act kicks in, the action and tension ratchet up, becoming a siege film with cannibalistic horrors in place of savages.

It’s intriguing to me, this idea of developing from incest to cannibalism.  Both are taboo things in civilized society, but that one could lead to the other is kind of fascinating.  It is as if the Van Daams have cursed themselves for transgressing against the natural order, damning what they intended to save.  The bloodline they had hoped to purify has not only been further degraded but has also produced monsters.  Blood became the means of survival for them, though the blood they need can’t be pure (or that’s what I got from the narrative), because they are no longer pure (or as pure as they ever could have been).  In some respects, these creatures appear like children; their heads are large and bald, they are short-statured, they are non-verbal.  Yet they also externally embody the consumption of flesh (familial and non-familial, sexual and culinary) which created them: they have multiple noses, multiple eyes, and hare lips.  They are gestalts of the piling up of evils which engendered them and which they then propagate across the island.  What has been passed down the family tree is equal parts curse and punishment; transforming from one into the other while simultaneously being both is the ironic tragedy of the story.  All of this began in order to cure an ill, but the laws of both man and nature were broken in the attempt, and this is why the family in total is penalized.  Sure, the creatures may be unwilling participants (we can assume), but their alternatives are non-existent.  Surrounding them is a sort of fear of difference taken to a novel level.  Incest is certainly not the norm in most civilized communities, and its public exposure turns the islanders against the Van Daam clan, who they likely didn’t care for due to their wealth regardless (especially since we get the heavy implication that the Van Daam’s were both arrogant and uncaring, and this is carried on with John).  The islanders (working class) are different from the Strausses (moneyed) are different from the monsters (literally dirt poor), so that all of the inter-relationships create a circle, in addition to the one about social mores (heteronormative to incestuous to cannibalistic).  That there is some thought going on beneath the film’s surface is admirable, and the movie overall succeeds more than it fails.  Why it isn’t talked about more than it is confuses me, not because it reinvents the wheel or anything (it doesn’t), but because it’s better than its title and cover pic let on (its VHS cover was one of the great gimmicks of the medium, consisting of a layer of blood-colored liquid over a photo of the film’s beasties).

MVT:  I love the dark, grim tone of Bleeders.  It works for the subject and distinguishes itself from other horror films of the time (and even, arguably, today).

Make or Break:  There is a grave robbing scene which hits splendidly, even though you can see what’s coming a mile away.  It’s a very well-constructed, well-directed sequence.

Score:  6.5/10 

Kull the Conqueror (1997)

Directed by: John Nicolella
Runtime: 95 minutes

If you ever wanted a movie where Kevin Sorbo is shirtless most of the time this is the movie for you. This 1997 sword and sorcery film was originally to be a Conan reboot but Kevin Sorbo did not want reprise Arnold Schwarzenegger's role. So it was rewritten using another Robert E. Howard character Kull, an Atlantean pirate who becomes a introspective ruler. Thought in this film he is less introspective and more believes in prophecy, armed combat, cracking jokes, and liberty for all.

The movie opens with the history lesson about how demons used to run the world and world was covered with flames. Then the god of ice came, put an end to the demons, and left one burning flame to remind humans of godless times. Of course this flame will never be used to create conflict in this movie, really.
We then shift focus to our hero Kull and he is taking part in the worst job interview ever. Please do not get me wrong, I have been in a lot of job interviews where if they replace the questions with let's see how well you can beat the hell out of other people with a weapon would be fun. But in Kull's case he is unable to get the job because he is not of noble birth.

This awkwardness is interrupted by news that the king has lost his mind and is killing all his heirs. So Kull follows the general of the noble born guard and ends up killing the king. As thanks for mortally wounding him his last act is to make Kull king. This annoys the general and a foppish noble as thanks to the previous king's murder spree they were the last two in the line of the crown. So Kull moves quickly to annoy even more people before be crowned king and frees a priest of the ice god. He also allows the people to worship what gods they will and pisses off the head priest of the order of dicks.

In between an assassination attempt and scenes where Kull learns that he can't change the law carved in stone there is a love story. Kull and the court fortune teller slowly be come a couple and give away most of the plot with tarot cards. With is weird because, as I understand it, Robert E. Howard's characters tend to avoid the supernatural and rely more on their wits and massive muscles. But enough of that for now let get back to the people upset with Kull and are clueless as to how to kill him.

Enter burned wizard guy and his silent ape monster helper. He has a way to take out Kull in a way that his muscles and wit will not be able stop. He will reawaken a long dead demon sorceresses who will marry and kill Kull. The plan goes off more or less as expected. She seduces Kull, marries him, and then she changes her mind and drugs him instead of killing him. As a bonus, she sets up the court fortune teller as Kull's murderer.

This forces the plot to speed up from crawling to crawling with an energy drink. In short, the demon reveals to Kull she wants him as her sexy consort as turn the world into a hell on Earth. He says no and escapes with the help of the priest of the ice god, who is also the fortune teller's brother. The two of them sneak back into the city, find that a minor character, who they couldn't be bothered to give a name to, is killed and is taking Kull's place at the funeral.

So the plot throws out an action scene where the fortune teller is saved, the high priest of the order of dicks is killed, and the trio escape to find the lost island of the ice god. Kull knows of an old pirate friend who somewhat willing to give him a ship for this quest. However, once they get out to sea the pirate drugs the trio and is about to turn around and sell Kull to the demon. So Kull escapes, steals the ship, and they find the lost island of the ice god.
 
Back in the kingdom, the demon torments the wizard for forgetting his place. She also kills the foppish noble for being annoying and charges the general with finding Kull and the lost island of the ice god. She knows where the island is and gives the general the ability to catch up. Oh and the general is now trying to find a way to kill both Kull and the demon so he can be king.

Thanks to plot convenience the lost island of the ice god is found. Kull and friends go looking around a cave blasting cold air and find a statue of the ice god. The fortune teller consults her tarot cards and is told to go topless before the god statue and becomes the bearer of the ice god's breath. The general shows up because it has been five minutes since the last action scene and kills priest of the ice god and the ship's crew. After beating Kull in a sword fight, he kidnaps the fortune teller and leaves Kull to die in an easily escapable situation. However the general does not know Kull and makes his escape by drowning himself in freezing water because it is more heroic to escape while suffering hypothermia.

This brings us to the end of this fantastic adventure romp. The general claims the fortune teller and Kull are dead. The demon becomes more demonic as the solar eclipse approaches and forgets to kill the general when Kull sails up for the end of the movie.

Despite my petty complaints this is not a bad movie. It is also not a great movie either. If you are a Robert E. Howard fan and you haven't seen this yet go hang your head in shame. For everyone else, it is a great movie if it comes up on cable or streaming movie services and you have some time to kill.

MVT: The sound track for this movie is amazing and is one the only reasons why I have re-watched this movie.

Make or Break: Break, a lot of things in the movie that need to be explained like who characters are and what the hell is the ape monster thing is.

Score: 4.1 out of 10

Breeders (1997)

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I wrote a few screenplays back in the day.  While you pick your collective jaws off the floor, it should be stated that none of them were ever produced, though a couple of them garnered some small amount of attention/accolades, for what that’s worth.  Were I to toot my own horn, I would dare say that four or five were pretty good.  The rest were pretty average, though all of them were readable.  So, that’s one to grow on for you.

With that in mind, I’ve decided to try a little experiment with this week’s review.  Rather than overloading you with my usual brand of snobby analysis and woeful drollery, I’m approaching Paul Matthews’ Breeders (the 1997 one, not the 1986 one) in the form of a “What If?” (incidentally, also the title of one of my favorite comic books from my youth), peeking behind the genesis of this little gem.  Just so I’m absolutely clear; this is a fictional scenario.  It never happened (that I’m aware of), I have never met, seen, nor spoken with anyone involved in this film’s production, and the characters herein are not intended to represent the actual individuals in any way, shape, or form.  Besides, if any of them wanted to sue me over this trifling piffle, I would remind them that you can’t get blood from a stone any more than you can polish a turd.  And with that…

FADE IN

A cozy apartment which cannot quite be made out for the multitude of empty J&B bottles and beer cans littering its floor.  Four people lounge around the small dining table.

PAUL MATTHEWS is in his thirties, unshaven, and thin in that way people with tons of manic energy are. ELIZABETH MATTHEWS is in her thirties, petite, and filled with long-suffering pleasantness.  GARETH ROWLANDS is in his thirties and is stocky like an old school weightlifter.  PETER THORNTON is in his late forties, tall, and has been down this road perhaps once too often. 

Paul holds a pen over a legal pad filled with scribbles, crumpled pages of which limn his portion of the table.

                                                               GARETH

                                                So, what have we got, now?

Paul squints at the tablet.

                                                               PAUL

                                                Ummm…..

                                                           (beat)

                                                Alien sex machine.

A collective head nod.  Peter rises from the table.

                                                                                                                                                                                                    PETER

                                                I’m just the DP.  It’s nap time.

He saunters over to a couch in the living room, divests it of any detritus, and flops down on it, his eyes shut before even hitting the cushions. 

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                So, is it sexy?

                                                               PAUL

                                                Is what sexy?

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                The alien sex machine.  Is it sexy?

                                                               PAUL

                                                Course it’s not sexy.  It’s an alien. 

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                Jeff Bridges was kind of sexy in STARMAN.  He 

                                                was an alien.  And ours is supposed to be a sex 

                                                machine.  Should be sexy.

                                                               PAUL

                                                I don’t want the alien to be sexy.  This is a horror 

                                                movie.

They SNICKER.

                                                               GARETH

                                                How about a sidekick for the alien?  She can be sexy.

                                                               PAUL

                                                Okay.  The sidekick can be sexy.  But the alien can’t be.

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                Are you putting your foot down?

Beat.

                                                               PAUL

                                                Yes.

He stomps his foot for emphasis.

                                                               PAUL

                                                           (CONT’D)

                                                Ooh!  We can set it at a university.

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                That’s not bad.  An all-girls’ school?

                                                               PAUL

                                                Who gives a shit?  We’ll only focus on the 

                                                women, anyway.  Then we can have a shower scene.

                                                               GARETH

                                                Wait.  Where’s this set again?

                                                               PAUL

                                                A university.

                                                           (beat)

                                                In Boston.

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                You know we’re shooting on the Isle of Man, right?  

                                                With a lot of British actors.

                                                               PAUL

                                                They can do a Boston accent.

They all dwell on this for a beat.

                                                               GARETH

                                                How about this?  A meteor crashes on the front steps

                                                of this university, but it’s not like a normal meteor.  It’s

                                                like a spaceship for the alien and his sidekick.  They 

                                                get out and hide in the tunnels under the school, and 

                                                start picking off students.

                                                               PAUL

                                                Having sex with the students.

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                We can’t show that.

                                                               PAUL

                                                Sure we can.  Ever see THE BEAST WITHIN?

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                That’s not the point.  It will look silly.  And, yes, I 

                                                did see THE BEAST WITHIN.  With you.  And it 

                                                looked fucking silly.         

                                                           (beat)

                                                Could the sidekick have sex with them?

                                                               PAUL

                                                No.  She’s female.  Females can’t impregnate females.

                                                               ELIZABETH

                                                Says who?  They’re aliens.

                                                               PAUL

                                                Now who’s being silly?

Paul springs to his feet with inspiration, KNOCKS his head against the lamp over the table, and immediately sits back down. 

                                                                PAUL

                                                I’ve got it!

                                                            (MORE)

Elizabeth checks Paul for damage.  None.

                                                                                               

                                                                PAUL

                                                            (CONT’D)

                                                Pieces of the meteor.  All the chicks at the university 

                                                get a piece of the meteor, and it’s like an aphrodisiac.  

                                                It draws them to the alien. 

                                                                GARETH

                                                How do they all get a piece of it?

                                                                PAUL

                                                Who cares?  Doesn’t matter.  The point is, they 

                                                become like zombies or something.  That way, we 

                                                can cut down on effects shots with the alien.

                                                                ELIZABETH

                                                How about the sidekick carries the monster’s eggs, 

                                                and she implants the possessed students with the eggs.  

                                                Lots of people love that new age, gem power shit.   

                                                And it could kind of be like Superman and

                                                Kryptonite, right?

Paul narrows his eyes at Elizabeth.

                                                                PAUL

                                                You’re really hellbent on this sidekick sex thing, 

                                                huh?

                                                                GARETH

                                                How about this?  One of the girls is lured by a 

                                                gem to the monster’s lair, where she’s covered in 

                                                some alien goop stuff, like spunk or something.                                                  Then the sidekick pukes her eggs up on the goop, 

                                                and all the other possessed girls lap it up, making 

                                                them pregnant.

Paul nods along.

                                                                PAUL

                                                Yeah.  That works, actually.

                                                                ELIZABETH

                                                Not silly at all.

                                                                PAUL

                                                Then we can have soldiers or something—

                                                                

                                                                GARETH

                                                            (interrupting)

                                                SWAT.

                                                                                                

                                                                PAUL

                                                What?

                                                                GARETH

                                                In Boston, it would probably be a SWAT team rather 

                                                than soldiers.

                                                                PAUL

                                                Oh.  Rightrightright.  Boston.  So, a SWAT team 

                goes down into the tunnels, and the monster picks

                them off, too.

                                                                ELIZABETH

                                                Oh, and we can have a girl SWAT guy, but the 

                                                Captain’s really sweet to here, maybe overly sweet, 

                                                and touches her inappropriately while they’re in 

                                                the middle of the mission.

                                                                GARETH

                                                Like grabs her boob inappropriate?

                                                                ELIZABETH

                                                I was thinking more like caresses her cheek 

                                                inappropriate.

                                                                GARETH

                                                Who the fuck would do that?

                                                                ELIZABETH

                                                I don’t know.

                                                                PAUL

                                                Wait, wait.  He caresses her cheek so that we 

                                                care about them later on when a couple of the SWAT 

                                                guys accidentally shoot her.

                                                                GARETH

                                                So, the alien doesn’t get her?

                                                                PAUL

                                                No.  This makes it more tragic.  She’s shot by her own comrades.

                                                                ELIZABETH

                                                I think you just don’t like my ideas.

                                                                PAUL

                                                I like them when they’re good.

Elizabeth makes a fist at Paul, faux angry.  A KNOCK at the door.

                                                                GARETH

                                                Thank God.  I’m starving.

                                                                PETER

                                                            (OS)

                                                Is that the Chinese?

Paul rises, crosses to the front door, digging in his pocket for money.

                                                                PAUL

                                                Back to sleep, Peter.

Paul opens the door, reveals the DELIVERYMAN.  He is in his mid-thirties and is a large, slimy monster with a mouth full of jagged teeth.  Deliveryman waits semi-patiently, greasy paper bag in his hands.  Paul looks him up and down.

                                                                DELIVERYMAN

                                                Twenty-five quid, please.

                                                                PAUL

                                                            (to Gareth and Elizabeth)

                                                We may not have to cut back on the effects, after all.

                                                                GARETH

                                                            (OS)

                                                Wait.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

                                                            PAUL

                                                        (to Deliveryman)

                                                You ever wanted to be in movies?

Deliveryman shrugs.

                                                            DELIVERYMAN

                                                Never thought I had the looks for it, really.

Paul grins.

FADE OUT

THE END

MVT:  The monster.  Clearly.

Make Or Break:  There’s a scene early on where a character comes across the monster (seemingly in a closet) with a victim.  The filmmakers then cut away for some length of time, only to cut back just in time for said discoverer to get knocked to the ground.  We don’t see anything else that happens in the interim.  This is likely because nothing did, and even if it did, it would be just as feeble as the rest of this film.

Score:  3/10