Saint Patrick's Day: At King David’s Pub and Winery
(Scene
opens in Heaven, at David's Pub. Seamus and Patrick are sitting at the
bar. Patrick is asleep, with his head on the bar counter.)
Seamus (St. James): Say, Paddy, now. Wake up, you idjit.
Padraig (St. Patrick)/Paddy: Ah, Seamus. Can ye not leave a good saint to a daecent sleep?
Seamus: It’s yer people there, Paddy. They’re at it again. (Leaning over his pint, looking down on the velvet green)
Paddy: Oh, Mother of God, is it that day already?
Maire (St. Mary):
Paddy, was it ye who called? Oh. (She looks down on Dublin.) So.
Yer Irishmen are at the celebratin’ yer Holy Day. The day ye up and
died down there.
Paddy:
(Looking down) So ‘tis, Maire. And would ye look—Chicago has dumped
green into ta rivers again! As if that meant a ting, Lord help us.
The Lord God: (enters
with angels singing and clouds billowing) Was it ye, Paddy, that
called m’name? (Seamus and Paddy vacate their pub stools immediately.)
David, here, be a good man, and pour me a glass of cider.
King David:
Aye, My Lord. The best Yer Hands ever made, here Ye go. Have at it.
(David pushes the glass over to God, who has settled down on a stool.)
The Lord God: So, Paddy, what’s troublin’ ye, up here in heaven?
Paddy:
Oh, it’s the Irish people agin. They’re after celebratin’ my holy day
with all sorts of carryin’ ons. And it bein’ Lent, ‘tis a sad ting ta
behold.
The Lord God:
(quaffing a satisfying amount of apple cider) Well, ye know, Paddy,
People ha’ forgotten jest what I did for them, sendin’ ye to Ireland.
They were a terrible mean clans, worshippin’ trees and such, ‘fore ye
taught ‘em about the Trinity and my son Jesus.
Seamus:
Yer right, My Lord. An’ Paddy drove out them there serpents, and done
all them miracles. Ye did right good work, there. (Seamus pats Paddy
on the shoulder, who nods and perks up a bit. Maire sits down next to
The Lord God.)
The Lord God: ‘Tis
my desire that ye shake the Irish up a wee bit. Paddy, ye go down to
yer holy wells—there’s one down near Cork I’m partial to. Stir the
waters up a bit when there’s a group there. And, Maire, go to some of
yer holy grottoes, and send some tears down the cheeks of yer image.
That’ll make the Irish think a bit. I bet ye’ll see more pious Irish at
Mass come Good Friday.
Seamus: I’ll go along with ‘em, My Lord, jest to keep ‘em company. (The three saints exit.)
The Lord God:
(watches the saints depart, and laughs softly) Ah, there go some fine
saints. Glad I made ‘em. (He leaves the pub in a cloud of glory, with
angels singing. David gathers up the glassware, and hums “When the
saints go marching in…” Scene ends.)
This was originally published in March 2012, again in 2021. You may have read it already. But you can always read it again. Slain'te.