WARNING: Don't See The Movie Safe Haven. Julianna Hough.

I knew the movie Safe Haven was going to be bad but I saw it anyway (with my daughter). And when I say bad I mean Hallmark Channel bad.

Here are a things about it (SPOILER ALERT)

- Julianna Hough looks great but the acting? She totally exaggerates everything. And we know you have a great smile but it's way too much. She KNOWS she's sexy and that makes it annoying. And I can't get over the fact that she goes out with Ryan Seacrest.

- As mentioned above it's like a Hallmark movie. Super cheesy dialogue. Everything is predictable.

- Major inconsistency in the scene pictured above where she's in orange bikini. She's romping around in it in the water and a minute later she's back to wearing a tank top with bra and shorts. Where and why would she have changed??

- There's a scene after the house is burnt to the ground and the set designer should have been "fired." It looks like someone said, "OK we're filming the house after the fire. We have five minutes to throw a few things in this area! Lets get to work people!"

- OK this is the kicker (and Spoiler Alert): Throughout the movie she is friends with a woman that turns out to be the  ghost of Josh Duhamel's wife! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This is the worst ending I've ever seen to a movie ever. It's kind of like when you find out Bruce Willis was the ghost in The Sixth Sense but it makes no sense here. Was this movie written by a 7th grader? I'm sure Nicholas Sparks thought he was clever when he came up with this but really? So stupid.

Don't see this movie.

Bridesmaid Dresses, Dumb Books and More! Batman Water Pistol.

Some various pictures for your viewing pleasure:

*talking like a ghost* "Puuuut something innnnnn meeeeeeee."

Photographer: No! You on the left. Step back one step! Do you want these pictures to look stupid or nice?

*In Paul Lynde voice*  "I'm not sure if it's more fun to fill or squirt."

Blond dude: (after 10 minute diatribe) You see...being awesome comes down to one thing. And that one thing is accepting Jesus as your personal savior. *random football hits him in the face*

"I don't know how to tell you this so I'll just come out with it. You my dear...are going to be a STAHHHH!"

Are People Really This Retarded? Big Bird Romney Comment. Adam Carolla.

After hearing the reaction to Romney saying he would cut funding to PBS I have to ask - are people really this retarded? You would have thought he said, "I hate PBS" or "I hate Big Bird*."

And the media fuels half of it. Do you really think he thinks that the way to balance the budget is to get rid of PBS? I think some people actually believes that is what he said.

I don't know if people are getting dumber, they don't listen or they don't understand basic logic but it's gotten worse in the past ten years.

People hear a news bite and they jump on board without hearing what was really said or thinking it through.

A similar recent story that pissed me off was when Adam Carolla  was asked, "Who is funnier? Men or women?" He sited some funny women but said in general men are funnier than women. He never said, "There are no funny women." But from the reaction you would have thought he said that. And think about it. If you got 100 people and asked them to name the top five funniest people they know do you think it would be split 50/50? Please.

He also got s%^t from his comments because he said, “When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke.” Is he incorrect? The answer is no.

Thoughts?

*Is that the worst Big Bird costume or what?

The Wheelbarrow? Who Even Does This? Kamasutra.

Oh come on now. Who the hell is asking their lady to do the move known as the wheelbarrow? Look at it! I think the only way I would do that is if I wanted to say that I did every position in the kamasutra. There are 64 by the way.

Do you ASK her to do the wheelbarrow or do you have her on the side of the bed and you just kind of pull her off? I guess it's good for building upper body strength at least.

Or maybe your vacuum cleaner is broke? "Oh baby you're so hot...mmmm. can you pick up that paper clip and that lint right next to your left hand? No. Up further....yeah that's it."

Stupid. Just like the position where you stand and the woman is facing you and you're holding her. Who do I look like? The God damn Hulk?  I'm not a total weakling but still!

My Thoughts On Car Magnets and Stickers.

I'm not a fan of car bumper stickers, magnets or stickers. Thoughts:

College - These are OK I guess.

Sports Teams - I can kind of understand these but only use one.

Honor Student - Retarded. Even more retarded are the ones that say, "Blah Blah school honors ALL of their students."

Beach Destination (ie: OC for Ocean City) - These are OK if you actually own a home there or go there almost every weekend.

Cartoons showing how many family members you have - Stupid. What happens if someone dies? Do you take one off? Maybe I should sell halo and wing stickers that can be used in this case.

Political - I really hate these. And if your candidate loses take if off for God's sake.

Magnets saying which breed of do you love - I hate anyone that has one of these. Why do you have to advertise you have a Yorkie?

OK that's about it.

Are Drinking Straws Really Necessary? Looks Kinda Gay If You Ask Me.

If you think about it, it's pretty strange that when you go to a restaurant and they give you a water or a soda that they also give you a straw. You don't use a straw at home but when they put them in front of you most people open them and use them.

Not me though. Maybe because when I was 18 I was drinking out of one and my brother-in-law said, "You look pretty gay drinking out of that straw." Then he imitated me. And if you think about it, most dudes look pretty fem drinking out of straws. I never saw Clint Eastwood drinking from a straw. It's OK for you ladies but if you're a dude? I suggest you just get whatever's in that glass the old fashioned way.

Of course the exception is a Slurpee. And sometimes a milkshake.

And why aren't crazy straws as popular as they used to be?

Oh, and those cocktail straws? I don't think they were ever meant for a person to sip out of. Right? They're more for stirring.

And why do a feel like this stupid post is something that Andy Rooney would write?

The Time I Put My Foot In My Mouth. Boy Scouts.

Oh my God. How did I forget to post this story about when I totally put my foot in my mouth?... Then shamelessly tried to back pedal my way out of it. Like lamest backpedal ever.

This was a few years ago and I was coming back from a night out with my friend “The Child” and The Child’s college buddy. I met the college buddy maybe 3 times over the years but didn’t really know him well at all. (And to set the picture the buddy was kind of a serious guy.)

We’re driving in the car and a radio commercial for the Boy Scouts comes on. Then this happens:

Me: (in loud, blow hard, sarcastic voice) The Boy Scouts? Phhhhttttt! What about those dudes that are Boy Scouts into high school? Like an Eagle Scout? "Look, I earned my 'Doesn’t want to get laid badge.' Look at meeeee..” You’ve got to be kidding me.

College Friend: (from the back seat) Actually both of my son’s are in high school and really involved in Scouting. I’ve even been a troop leader. We’ve gone on some great camping trips and it’s been a really great experience.

**** SOUND OF SCREECHING BRAKES IN MY HEAD…TOTALLY EMBARRASSED, THE WORST BACKPEDALING BEGINS*****

Me: Really? (acting is if his three sentence statement somehow changed my entire perspective on what I think about being a Boy Scout in high school. Like it was the closing statement in the Scopes Monkey Trial and I finally saw the light) …I didn’t know THAT. Hmmm..I guess scouting can be kind of cool.

Silence from the backseat. Then The Child changes the subject. I look in mirror and see this:

Great Part Time Job I Had. Corvettes to Cowtown NJ

I had tons of part time jobs when I was younger. One of the coolest was a job I had driving cars to an auction.

There was a place in West Chester that would buy sports cars and high end cars, then fix them up and sell them at auction.

Pretty smart guy huh? Well he wasn't THAT smart because he hired 18 and 19 year old kids to drive them to the auction in Cowtown New Jersey. He would always give the same speech before four or five of us left in separate cars, "This is important..Obey all traffic laws and DO NOT SPEED!"

Yeah OK buddy. That's like throwing an antelope into a lion pit and saying, "Im not kidding guys, Everyone gets a limb. After you're done that I'm going to come in and divide the body and the head into equal parts. Are we clear?

We'd drive really slow up the street in our Corvettes, Camaros or Mercedes then as soon as we were out of sight it was PEDAL TO THE METAL BIATCH!! I remember driving an orange Corvette 120 MPH. Safely mind ya'.

Yeah right.

Well nobody got killed thank God so I guess no harm no foul. Is that the expression? Once we got to Cowtown we'd drop the cars off and all pile into one of those white windowless, serial killer vans for the ride back. Crouched in the back and being driven a ridiculous 55 MPH.

It was fun while it lasted.

The Time I Was Trying To Be Smooth But Something Went Terribly Wrong. Sunglasses.

I was just telling a coworker a story that happened years ago but I had forgotten.

Our regular receptionist at work was out for a few weeks so they brought a temp in to take her place. She was an older lady. But after about a week I came in back from lunch and as I’m pulling the door open I see a really hot girl sitting at the receptionist desk. Ooh. Who is this fine specimen?

So of course I slowly take off my sunglasses and saunter by the desk. A little extra shake of the ass. I deepen my voice a bit and say, “ How you doing? You’re new here?” (Shut up. That’s all I could think of on short notice. Plus it was hot out.)

“Yeah. Well I’m just filling in. I’m not sure how many days I’ll be here.”

“OK. Well welcome to (the name of my company inserted here). I’m Dr Zibbs.”

“Well nice to meet you Dr Zibbs. I’m Cindy.”

“OK Cindy, well I’ll see you later.”

I then walk down the hall toward my desk. Thinking I’m all smooth. And as I’m walking there’s something in my peripheral vision on my right side. What is that? I reach up and there’s a black rubber oval on the side of my face – below my eye. What the F???

When I took my sunglasses off the rubber piece of my sunglasses that goes against your nose came off of the sunglasses and was stuck on my face. AND IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME!

I pictured this happening later, “Cindy did you see Dr Zibbs walk by here?”

“Dr Zibbs? Who is…Oh Dr Zibbs. The guy with the huge mole on the side of his nose? No I haven't seen him.”

Stupid Invention My College Roommate Came Up With. Toothpicks.

One of my roommates in college was an idiot. I come into the room one day and he’s like, “Can I show you something?”

I’m like, “Yeah OK.” I could tell he was excited.

He walks over to his desk and comes back with a folder. “I’ve got an idea for an invention.”

I’m kind of thinking, “Oh no. This is gonna suck.”

The pitch begins. “So do you know how toothpicks are just plain. Like just wooden? They’re just small, boring sticks really. But what if you had this?” He pulls out a piece paper with a colorful toothpick drawn. Kind of like a candy cane. But tooth picky. “Flavored toothpicks!”

“Oh really?”

He proceeds to show me his various designs. He even had measurements drawn out. As if people don’t know how big a toothpick is. He’s all excited. And I’m thinking, “This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” He then goes onto show me a list of manufacturers that he’s planning on contacting. *thought bubble over my head: please record the calls. Please record the calls.*

I’m like, “Not to put you down Dave but I’ve worked at restaurants and they buy toothpicks and matches….all that stuff in bulk. I bet a restaurant orders toothpicks once every five years. And they probably order them from a place that supplies them with tons of other crap, like matches, straws..you know.”

“Yeah but they’re not FLAVORED toothpicks.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t think anyone cares. Think about it. It’s kind of dumb.”

“Yeah? You don’t know!” He puts his papers back into his invention folder and storms away. It was never mentioned again.

And NO, he’s not a toothpick tycoon now. I guess I killed the dream.

Brainstorm! Various Things About Driving.

I've been getting lazy keeping up with this here famous blog. So here's a post about various driving things. I'll do it in bullet point form. But I'm only going to take 3 minutes to write it so I'm warning you - it's probably going to be crappy.

Please feel free to ask questions and I will clarify anything you're interested in.

OR maybe elaborate in a post (And name the post after YOU)

- I'm an expert knee driver.
- I wrecked a car when I was 17. A red Pinto. I rolled it on Route 52 in Chester County.
- I use to "do it" all the time in cars. (Do you know what "do it means?) If you don't know, ask your parents.
- One time I filled the oil in my car up to "the top" because I didn't know better.
- Once a deer jumped over the hood of my car at 80 miles per hour.
- One time I was racing a guy on 95 and his hood blew open.
- My biggest regret about accidents that happened and I wasn't there was in high school when my friends came around a corner and hit some kid's car off of a cliff. (Nobody was hurt).
- I eat entire meals in my car while driving. I use an atlas as my tray.
- The cars I've owned are: Renault Lecar, Hyndai Excel, Nissan Sentra, Toyota Camry and Nissan Maxima.

I told you it was a lazy ass post.

Various 70's Advertising Images That I Like. Gremlin.

Here are a few 70's ads I found on the internet:


...And then, kick her down a flight of steps and dump some garbage on her. That's what they really want.


You mean I only have to make a multi-year commitment and potentially put my life in danger and I get some fine luggage? I'M IN!! Wait. Is it that faux alligator skin? It is? OK. Just checking.


That's right ladies. I'm a model. You may have seen me struttin' my stuff in that trousers ad. Remember that? Sure you do. But what's great is that now you can get my image in postcard form so you don't have to clip out my trouser ad and tape it to an index card and pretend it's a postcard. You're too sophisticated for that. And plus look at my sexy belly hair.


Just when I thought the Gremlin couldn't get any cooler you can now get it with seats that look like denim!


I have nothing funny to ad here. I just wanted to remind myself to track down these shoes. Seriously, look at them.

Forgetting The Name Of Someone After You Hook Up. The Rat In West Chester.

On Twitter we were talking about when you hook up with someone and then you forget their name. Kind of like on that episode of Seinfeld.

How many times can you ask, "Wait...what's your name again?" So I would just start calling them by a nickname after a while. Although I'm sure it was obvious. Who know? And there was usually drinking involved so who really cares? I didn't.

But the worst was years ago when my friend Conner and I were out at The Rat in West Chester. He meets a girl and asks her out*.

Saturday comes and he's on the date. Here are the messages I get on my voicemail over the span of a half hour (note that this happened in the 1730's so there were no cell phones):

Conner(whispering): Jim. Jim. Hello? Pick up...I'm calling from a pay phone at the Malvern Meeting House. I'm on my date with that girl.

Conner(whispering): Jim. Are you there? What's the name of the girl I'm on the date with. I can't remember...

Conner (whispering but frantic): Jim! If you're there PICK. UP. THE. PHONE!!! What's the name of the girl I'm on the date with? My Uncle's at the restaurant and I can't remember her name and I'm going to have to introduce her to him!! ARE YOU THERE??

Well he did run into his Uncle and he had to say to his date, "I'm sorry but I totally forgot your name. What is it again?"

He said the expression on her face was, "You have GOT to be kidding me."

It was their last date.

Smooth. Real smooooth....

*I had a girlfriend at the time. That's why I didn't meet a girl. Just we're clear on that... But come to think of it, I'm the one that started talking to the girl and her girlfriend so....I guess that counts for something.

The Time I Faked Going To The Math Teacher Before School. Stupid.

I always hated math and was always terrible at math.

To be honest, I can't even add numbers in my head. Like if you asked, "What's 49 plus 137?" it would take be a while to figure it out without using pencil and paper or my fingers.

Does this mean I'm dumb? Probably...nobody really knows.

My son is taking calculus and I was telling him that if I was given a year to learn it and pass the class with at least a B and was to be rewarded $10,000 I really don't think I could do it.

I have math on my mind because the other day I was thinking about the time I was getting a D in math so my parents told me I had to go in early to school for a few weeks and get extra help from the math teacher.

So for weeks, my Dad drove me into school. I think it was 9th grade. The only problem is that I hated the teacher so much that I never - not once - went to him for help.

Well one day on the ride in my Dad says, "I'm going to come in today and talk to the math teacher and see how you're making out."

I was all, "No. You don't want to do that. He's always in a hurry and everything..."

"Well he'll have to make time. I want to talk to him."

So I sat there knowing that I had to tell my Dad I hadn't been going in after weeks of him changing his schedule to drive me there. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. So I kept saying, "Umm. I gotta...umm...the thing is...."

When we finally got to the school and parked I told him. And he exploded on me! "Are you kidding?? I've been driving you to school all this time and you never went in?" It's probably in the top five of the most pissed I ever saw him get.

To tell you the truth I forget if I was grounded or not or if they made me really go in and meet him in the mornings after that. I think I blocked it out.

West Whiteland Neighbors Terrorized By Idiot. Snoop.

If you read my tweets last night you know of the very sad event that happened. And by sad, I mean that I made an ass out of myself.

One of the things that cracks me up the most is when someone is trying to be funny, then something goes wrong. Really wrong. The only time I don't find it funny is when it happens to me.

So here's what happened. I've been taking daily walks in an attempt to lose some weight. I've lost 10 pounds in 4 weeks thank you. So I'm walking around my neighborhood, my ipod is blasting Snoop and a car approaches me from behind.

I keep my same pace and the car is kind of driving right next to me. The window goes down on the car. I stop. The car stops.

It's my friend Calhoun and his wife. So in Snoop rapper style - and gang signal hands I hell, "YOU GOTTA PROBLEM MUTHA FUCKAAA?" as I strut over to car and practically put my head in the window.

*This is where things turn tragic*

It turns out it wasn't my friend Calhoun and his wife. They were total strangers. His face was all, "What's are you doing???"

As soon as I realize it, I pull off my headphones and say, "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I thought you were friends of mine"

"Uh.....that's OK.."

Now I'm going to have to face these people everytime I walk around the block. I think they might even be new to the neighborhood. And it sucks because I don't want to be all embarrassed everytime I pass their house.

Maybe I'll force them to move by making them believe a ghost is living in their house. It might take some elaborate planning but there's really no other option. Is there?

Some Dude Commented On My Eight Is Enough Post. TV Songs.

I love getting random comments on my blog from Anonymous people.

It's usually from people that don't have blogs but they find my blog through a Google search. And they're always pissed off.

For example, take a look at this post when I discussed the theme from Eight is Enough.

And here's the comment I got last night:

"No offense, but everyone who has made a degrading comment about the 8 IS ENOUGH theme song has done so for a lack of insight and are products of our seedy pop culture. The song was nice and so was the show. I'm a Judas Priest fan, for heaven sake, and even I can see that. Incidentally, in latter seasons I think they re-recorded the theme song and Goodeve throttled back on the vibrato and the song was'nt as hyper-pure sounding as it had been, and was better. And nevertheless, that show was your last crack at the wholesomeness of the American dream being prime-timed across your screen, so happy sailing if you really think that's a good thing. You freaks probably like hip-hop."

Uhhh. Yeah OK buddy.

Thanks Mr Tie Maker For Pulling The Switcheroo On Me. Exton Boscovs.

So I'm at the Exton Mall yesterday at lunch and I stop in Boscov's. I don't know why Boscov's because I really don't like that store.

So I'm walking by the men's department and I see a table full of ties. It says, "Ties: $9.99 - usually $59.99". And they were really nice ties. Not like the really wide ones or the ones with a tiger peaking out from behind some leaves like you guys wear. That's fine..you guys don't know the difference. But for me? That won't do.

So I picked up this one tie - a very conservative yellow tie with some mixed blue squares in it. Classy, like me.

I buy the tie (thinking to myself, "suckers")and when I put it on this morning, the thin portion of the tie has the words, "Dressed to Kill*" printed all over it. I'm all, "Whaaaa???"

Now you can't see the words because it's the thin part of the tie that's hidden by the wide part but what if like I'm walking down the lane one day and like a freak wind comes and undoes the thin part of the tie that's tucked safely behind the wide part of the tie? Then what? And if someone sees the "dressed to kill" words they're probably going to think that I think I'm trying to be Don Johnson or something.

I think I may have to return it OR keep it but it'll be OUR secret. Please..no narcing.

*If I were one of those douchebag guys I'd get a tie clip and attach it to the lower portion of the tie so a tiny bit of the "dressed to kill" words extended outward. Creating a huge trend.

People That Tell "Standard" Jokes And My Facial Reaction. Stone Faced.

Everyone knows the type. The guy that says, "I got one for you". Then he goes on to tell one of those "three guys walk into a bar" jokes. And you can tell he's rehearsed it before - all confident in his delivery.

I had an older cousin that did this growing up. And I always hated it. The jokes are rarely funny. Whenever they say, "I got one for you", I just get uncomfortable because I know I'm not going to think it's funny. And if you're in a crowd, everyone is expecting you to laugh. I just stand there with this look on my face that says, "I don't want to be here".

It's one thing I can't do. I can't fake laughing at something when it's something that's not funny at all. I can't even force myself. It's not out of jealously like I wish I were the one making everyone laugh, it's just this thing I have against people that are trying really hard to be funny. They're giving it everything they got and what they're saying is just stupid. But they think they're funny.

I used to work with this girl that some people thought was hysterical, and a few of us - the ones with a sense of humor - couldn't stand her stories. She would tell these stories, most of which were exaggerated bullshit, and she'd be laughing when she told them - which would get some people laughing. Then, she'd throw in the worst accents to liven up the story. For some reason it was always a terrible French or English accent. As if there was always a foreigner around when she apparently got into these crazy predicaments.

And people would guffaw over these stories that weren't even funny. So after one of the meetings where one of these stories was told, I was walking down the hall with two of my coworkers (that have a sense of humor) and the one said, "Here's an imitation of your face when that story was being told".

The expression was one of someone at a funeral. With an occasional, uncomfortable smile, as if the priest just said something to lighten the mood. Since then I became aware of this face. But there's still nothing I can do to stop it.

Meetings And The Things I Hate About Them. Stupid and Dumb.

I was just in a meeting and someone said, "What if we....."

..Then went onto describe an idea that was slightly clever but pretty stupid. They looked around with an expression on their face as if to say, "Do you people understand what I just said? It's brilliant!"

Then someone said, "That's a great idea!"

But it really wasn't. And I just sat there thinking, "What the hell am I doing here?"

I also hate when something is explained and it's so obvious but one person doesn't grasp the simple concept. So the person explaining explains it in the same exact way. But slower. But the questioner still doesn't get it.

Then, a know-it-all, chimes in and explains it and the person understands. And they're all proud of themselves.

Pretty much, I hate meetings.

TBY Product Warning: The Egg Genie. Do NOT Buy This Product!

Do any of you wonder if you may be retarded? Open your cabinet. Did you purchase the Egg Genie?

You did?

Well, you better sit down because I've got something to tell you. Are you ready. You my friend are retarded.

You have to be. I saw the commercial yesterday and the Egg Genie* is the most useless kitchen gadget since the microwave bacon cooker. It claims to cook eggs perfectly. Do you know how I cook eggs perfectly? I use a timer.

I'd like to interview the people that watch this commercial then are convinced that they not only need this but that after a few months they'll actually still be using it.

And one more thing. Who the hell uses soft boiled eggs for Eggs Benedict? Retarded people you say? Case closed.

If you want to see the commercial and featuring the soft boiled Eggs Benedict click here.

*and could you imagine if you received the Egg Genie as a gift? I'd love to see the anticipation on the faces of the people that gave you the gift as they sit there in anticipation, thinking that you're going to open it and be all excited. And they're waiting to yell, "..and it's great for making soft boiled eggs for Eggs Benedict. It's right there on the side of the box!" Then they look around proudly see if anyone else at the party is looking at them and thinking, "Great. Let's pretend you're sick so we can leave. We're going to look like fools when our gift is opened and they see that we only gave them cash. Stupid, non-egg steaming cash".