Being Black On Halloween If You Were In My 5th Grade Class.

Mrs Mantini was full of shit.

She was my 5th grade teacher. There was one black kid in my class. Richard B.

And so on Halloween he dressed up as a dinner table. You've probably seen the costume. You put like a big old piece of cardboard around your head (with your head being the centerpiece). Then you tape paper plates and silverware around the plate.

That's what Richard B did. And he wore a lone ranger mask. And oh yeah, he was black.

So when it came time for Mrs Mantini to guess who everyone was, he was like the 3rd last to get picked. She was like, "Are you Paul Lambert? No? Hmmm. Lets see...are you Kurt Martila?..No? Oh this is hard."

COME ON!!! It was so obvious. Everyone was looking at each other like, "Yeeeah right. How can she not know it's Richard?"

Then she finally guessed him and she was all, "OH MY GOD! I had no idea. And what a great costume!"

Yeah right.

Dude At WCU Not Getting Laid This Semester

WCU Student: Do I have to wear the carrot costume?

West Chester Restaurant Owner: Yes, when you were hired to work the cash register, we told you that our staff - on a rotating basis - is asked to wear the carrot costume, go down to the college and hand out fliers.

WCU Student: Can I cover my face with a black, thin sheath so people can't see my face.

West Chester Restaurant Owner: No. Too Dangerous. You could trip.

WCU Student: What if I cut out holes where the eyes are and wore glasses?

West Chester Restaurant Owner: And ruin the integrity of the carrot? Absolutely not.

Click the picture to get a better look at the shame.

Best Halloween Costume Ever Discovered In Downingtown

I did it. I found the best Halloween costume at the Halloween store in Downingtown (right near the Wegmans). Behold it's glory. I'm asking readers not to buy it because when I went to the counter to make the purchase, I didn't have enough money. This costume is $14.99! I'm heading to the bank right after lunch. I know it's a lot scratch to pay for a costume but the way I see it, I'll go this year as "The Billionaire" and next year as "Le Billionaire". I know. Pretty smart.

My only problem is that it's September 24th and I don't think that's going to give me enough time to master that expression that the guy on the bag is doing. Do you know how many takes it probably took to get that pose just right? And he's a pro! I was thinking about just carrying the bag in my pocket, then when I see people, I'll pull the bag out and and say, "You're Fired" - while holding the bag in front of my face. Is that stupid?

I'll have to learn how to say "You're fired" in Spanish for the 2009 Halloween, but I'll get to that after the new year.

Costume Rental Places: Please Contact Whiskey Marie

I was reading my friend Whiskey Marie's blog post this morning and it turns out she's having some issues with her contractor. She says in her post that she's going to give him a break and hand him a get out of jail free card.

Since the lovely blogger Gwen so nicely gave her a gift basket recently, it's making me ponder what I can give her so I too can be her friend. Well, I'm already her blogger friend I assume, but I want to be MORE than that. She's one of these chicks that's not only really good looking and sexy but she's also really cool and she's a rocker type and doesn't care about posting pics of herself in goofy (cute) poses. I'm seein' the relationship developing into something like we're hanging out, watching Elvis Costello and other Punk (and some New Wave) videos - (I'll whip out Waiting for Guffman if things seem to be getting too serious). We'll probably be chompin' on some really fresh shrimp and eating pistachios. And she's really cool too- she insists I throw the shells on the floor. She's like that.

Anyways, we're also discussing blogging and she says, "I really like that you're a DOCTOR Zibbs. Would you mind taking a look at this mole and make sure it hasn't moved?"

She pulls up her white tank top (no bra - she's like that) and points to her nipple, jokingly meaning that her nipple is the mole. After she pins me to the floor and tickles me, crazy, laughed filled screwing begins..Squeeze's "Pulling Muscles From A Shell" is blaring. .....Man this is gonna be great!

OK, here's my gift so we can move this friendship up to the next level: Instead of just handing your contractor the Get Out of Jail Free Card, I'll come over, put on the Monopoly Man outfit that's going to be arriving at your house soon and hand it to him wearing the costume. And to really make it great, you'll say to him, there's one more thing to fix, it's in that closet. You leave the room and when he opens the closet, I emerge, all royally and hand his lazy ass the card and say, "You've earned this" (and I'll say it exactly how King Friday from Mr Rogers would say it. I might ad lib something in there about Lady Elaine but I'm not sure yet).

OK, there you go. Call me when the costume arrives. I'll bring the shrimp and pistachios.

West Chester PA Blogger Considers Testing Out A Skull Topped Walking Stick

OK. If you asked people that know me what I'm like, many would say conservative, rich, nice smelling, groovy. Not many would say "a walking stick type of guy". Well guess what? I don't care. Reason? Check out the walking stick above. The red one. Not the plain, middle America, stupid silver one. I just it at saw at RentCostumes.com. Can you imagine me strutting down the halls of That Blue Yak Enterprises with my bad ass "walking stick skull red"?

It may seem stupid to uncool people. They just don't get it. But for those who get it, imagine when someone asks. "Dr Zibbs, are you able to help me locate the bus stop?"

In the days of old, I would have wasted "potential cool building time" pointing my finger - like any square commoner. Not anymore. In 3 - 6 weeks when Walking Stick Skull Red arrives (aka: Skully), I'll pause, then simply look at the person, tap the tip on the ground, raise an eyebrow with bus stop knowing knowledge and give a wide double twirl and say, "Over there my friend, over there." (pointing Skully in the direction). I'm still working on what accent I'll have to start talking with but whatever it is - you know I'll have it down pat.

I'll then cooly strut my junk down the lane. You'll see.