Dream About Going Back To College. Messy Dorm Room. Skank Girlfriend.

Do you ever have recurring dreams? At least twice a year I have a dream that I'm back in college. Sometimes it's to get an MBA but usually it was discovered that there was a mistake and that I really had to take a few extra classes. But I go back at my current age.

The other night I had the dream and I was put in with a Freshman. And he was a slob. Papers all over the floor. Video game wires. And he had an ugly girlfriend that was always there. My problem was do I just suck it up or do I tell him, "We need some rules around here." But I was afraid then everyone on the floor would be like, "The old dude is trying to make rules. What an asshole."

And is anyone else good at waking up from a dream then going back to sleep and picking up where it left off? I'm getting better with that.

So there you go. 

The Time I Realized The Chick My Friend Hooked Up With. College. Bonner Hall.

I met my college friend Prickler (aka Pride of Peru) last night for some beers. I haven't seen him in a few years and we were cracking up talking about the old days in the dorms together. Man do I miss those Saturday and Sunday mornings. A bit hungover and talking about the girls we hooked up with the night before.

I really don't have any major regrets. Like girls I was really embarrassed of the next day. Well, maybe a few but... But hearing that a friend hooked up with a slob was always hysterical. The funniest ever was when Prickler hooked up with this one chick in Sophomore year. In fact it was probably the hardest I've laughed in my life.

Me: (going into his room) So did you hook up with anyone last night when I left the party?

Prickler: Yup.

Me: Oh yeah? Who?

Prickler: She's in my Marketing class. She has like big lips and curly hair?

Me: (I'm thinking like voluptous lips and beautiful curls) And I know her?

Prickler: Yeah you've seen her in the cafeteria. She lives in Old Main? She's always with that chick that Budwin went out with?

Me: Are you sure I know her?

Prickler: Yeah. And you said she was in your English class.

Me: (realization of who it might be) Wait. The chick with the huge lips and fro and she kind of shakes her head and she looks nervous all the time?

Prickler: Yeah that's her. She has a really nice body.

Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

I literally fell on the floor laughing. Just searching my memory for who it was and then it popped in there. This girl was home-leeee! Do you know Jimmy Carter's lips? They were like that but if they had been stung by bees. I'm telling you I couldn't even catch my breath.

And Prickler was sitting there saying, "Well. She did have a nice body."

I think I laughed for 15 minutes. Tears steaming. 

I think the only time I came closer to laughing that hard was when I was walking down the hall in the dorms and I see my friend basically being held up and lead to his room by a female beast woman. He said the next day he was basically raped. And we found out a few weeks later that another friend was with this same girl. She looked like Quasimodo and would go to parties and prey on the drunkest Freshman guy there and take them back and do them. You girls. *shakes head*

I would pay for video of their reaction when they woke up the next day. Oh the horror.

Oh and now it has me thinking of one other regretful tale that a woman friend told me once. She was in college and went back to the apartment of some goofball. They were going to hook up but when she went into the bathroom she had regrets so instead of just leaving she climbed out the window to escape. She was on the second floor! Ha! I wonder how long the dude was outside the door saying, "Kristen? Are you OK in there? Kristen? Hello???"

Mr and Mrs Crotchpains. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Do you know Mr and Mrs Crotchpains? They're frequent commentors on this here blog. I went to college with them. And was thinking the other day what I used to do.

They would be hanging out on his bed and I would stop in and chat. (While trying to ignore the Boy George poster he had*). Then I would say, "OK, see you later." But I would only pretend to leave. I would really be hiding behind the desk. Then I'd hide out.

Like a sleeper cell.

Waiting.

Listening.

And when he would try and talk all lovey dovey I'd peek out and say, "A-HAAAAAA!"

Mrs. C would laugh. Mr C would get pissed and kick me out.

One time I even caught him kissing her arm. Kind of like Pepe LaPew does. And of course..."BUSTED!"

After that he would lead me to the door and lock it.

(image note: that's not Mrs Crotchpains. Just a random college dorm picture from the 80's that I found. But....How. Do. You. Do?????)

*I would always take the Boy George poster off of his wall and hang it on his ceiling above his bed. Seriously, what man has a poster of Boy George?

A Post About All The Girls From My Past. Chicks.

The other day I was thinking of something odd. What if you could gather every person you’ve ever hooked up with in one place? From people you’ve made out with to people you’ve…well…you know*.

I’m picturing for me I’ll need a large place**. You can use a VFW but for me I’m thinking a really nice place. Cause I’m classy like that. Hey, if you want to skimp and have a roast beef station and two drink tickets for each guest that’s fine. Go for it. For me though? Ima keep it classy. I’ll be wearing a tux too. Actually maybe just a really nice suit. Yeah, a suit should do it.

And here’s the thing: All the women would be the exact same age as when I hooked up with them. And wearing the clothes that they wore the first time I was with them. “Hey, there’s one with a Duran Duran shirt!”…”Ooohh. Loving the shoulder pads!”

And they would all have name tags that list their names as well as the place we met because to tell you the truth I don’t want to embarrass myself by saying, “Uh so how do I know you?” So for instance a name tag might say, “Maryanne – Phillies ball girl” or “Jane – Pub at Georgetown University” or “Amy – Ocean City Boardwalk.” You get the idea.

And it might be kind of weird because some of the “women” would be underage. But still. I would mingle around. Chit chatting. Aweing them with stories of the modern age, “Yes in 2011 we have computers. In our homes. And this thing? It’s a phone AND a computer!”

Then here’s the weird thing. Once the cocktail hour was over, (and I made a “thanks for coming” speech – peppered with amusing tales) a new group of women would come in the room. And these women would be the same women that I hooked up with but how they look NOW. And they would come in and stand next to their younger self. Oh yeah this is gonna be great.

I wonder which ones still look good and which ones would have let themselves go?*** Hmmmm…I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

OK. Now somebody make this happen.

I will now open this up to a question and answer session in the comments area.

*Vodeo-do-do
**To make sure that everyone is there I would give the party planner the piece of paper I have hidden in my attic that lists all the women I ever hooked up with. I wrote it out years ago. I wrote it when I was drinking one night in case I ever get senile and I forget. Come to think of it, I forget where I stashed it up there.
*** I know one that let herself go. This chick we’ll call “CZ” that I was with for a few weeks in college. I swear if you saw her then you would shit. Sexy blond with a super hot, curvy 18 year old bod. Literally a 36-24-36. I know this because I asked her. Well about two years ago I searched her name and I found her. Sadly, she is now a whale. Easily over 220 pounds. Easy on the buffet CZ. Easy on the buffet.

What I Used To Do To Jerks When I Sold Magazines Over The Phone.

Back in college I had a part time job selling magazine subscriptions to people over the phone. I know, I know..”How do YOU get all the glamorous jobs?”

Of course this was before the “do not call” list. So it was a time when random people could call you and try and sell you things you didn’t need ala’ the phone.

It didn’t bother me when people said no or hung up on me but some people were real jerks. Like, “Listen you loser, take my name off your list! Don’t ever call back here again you asshole! Do you hear me??!”

Oh I hear you all right. I hear you enough to make a notation next to your number (usually a drawing of skull and bones) then when my manager leaves the room I will do this:

Jerk: Hello?

Me: Uh yeah…it’s me again. The magazine guy.

Jerk: I thought I told you not to….

Me: (calmly) Hold on now dear sir. Because I’m only going to say this once: You WILL be buying these magazines. Are we clear?

Jerk: I will not be buying your magazines!!!!!

Me: Oh no you will. Everybody’s doing it. Now the next step is you picking which one to buy. Were you aware that Good Housekeeping offers helpful tips for the modern…..

Jerk: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!!

Me: Sir, my manager is a very busy man. You sound like a bowler. Oh….and before I forget, can you have your credit card number ready because I get a break in a few minutes and I want to wrap up this sale quickly…OK, now back to the selling…

Jerk: I AM NOT BUYING ANY MAGAZINE!!

Me: Sir, I’m not going to call you cheap but will you – in a calm voice – explain to me why you’re so unwilling to open your wallet. Do you know HOW to read? Because if you don’t magazines would make a great gift for a friend…if they can read of course.

Jerk: WHAT IS THE NAME OF YOUR COMPANY??!! I’m calling the Better Business Bureau!!

Me: Sir the name of my company is very confidential. I’m really not at liberty to say. But I will say this: Cat Fancy is the top selling cat magazine in…

*Click*

Paaaartayyy!! Crazy Weekend Highlights At Penn State.

I usually hate walking into a bar with friends when it’s wall to wall 21 year olds. We usually just turn around because you feel like an old fart*. Usually …..

The exception was this past weekend. I went up to Penn State with a few friends to see a band. The band we were supposed to see was on Saturday at 9:30 so we thought we’d go into town and “walk around, maybe see if there’s a Penn State sporting event happening so we ‘stay out of trouble during the day’”, as Bill said. Well THAT didn’t happen.

As we drive into town we see hundreds and hundreds of college kids walking around wearing green. It turns out there’s an event called “State Patrick’s Day” and it’s a HUGE all day party.

So we park our car near the fraternity that my two friends went to and decide to go inside. We walk in the door – this is at 12:30 in the afternoon - and there are literally 200 drunk college kids in the frat house. DJ blaring music. People dancing on tables. A dude passed out drunk on the couch. Another dude walked past me, tripped up the steps and fell into the wall head first.


The dude in the hat on the table is my main man

Basically. It’s insane. It’s what you’d expect at 2 AM on New Year’s but it’s barely past noon.

Now here’s where it gets really nuts. We of course stand out like sore thumbs because we’re not wearing green. AND we’re the age of their Dad’s. Or their really, really, really, really older brothers. So they start coming up to us and ask who we are. My friend’s says, “Alumni.” As soon as they say that everyone goes crazy, “What? You are? Let’s parttttyy!” And we basically become celebrities. Everyone wants to party with us. People randomly come up to meet us. We’re laughing our asses off at the absurdity of what’s happening. The entire time laughing and saying, “Is this really happening?”

We roam upstairs and there are people in every room. We get high fives from everyone as we walk own the hall. We’re handed random bottles to drink from as we pass. We walk into an upstairs game room. 30 heads look at us in shock. Bill says loudly, “Don’t worry, we’re not cops. We’re alumni.” The crowd cheers.

I could go on and on about some of the crazy things but it would make for a really long post. (Plus I likes to keep private). Two highlights were that four lovely ladies came up to us and said, “Can we party with you?”

“Well of course you can my dears.” And we proceeded to not only party….but Par-TAY** Here they are***:



The other really crazy thing was that two curvy coeds (sounds hot huh? Trust me…it was) pulled me out on the dance floor to shake it. Being a good sport I went out to shake my groove thang. And we’re dancing. Then they’re dancing around me. Slinking really. Then they both start bending over and start GRINDING on me. Just as I’m about to grab the hips of the one I remember what my one friend said earlier, “Could you imagine if the cops raided this place and the first thing they see is us? With all these underage kids?” Reality sets in and I exit the dance floor. Seconds before I was violated.

Well that’s all I’ll get into here but it was a craaaazy weekend. And I honestly came THIS close to getting up on the main dance table but thought, what if I slip off and break a hip? Buzzkill.

* Plus they’re not mature enough to really grasp my sophisticated ways.
** Whatever THAT means.
*** God Dyyyyyyaaaaaaammmmn!!

Various Nicknames I've Given. Llammas

I’m a giver of nicknames. And nicknames that have stuck. Even if the person doesn’t know they’ve got a nickname. Here are a few nicknames and their meaning:

Flare – for my friend that would get pissed off all the time and his nostrils would Flare.

Glamour Boy – For my friend. At senior week he was trying to impress a girl so he got up earlier to go jogging with her. He was wearing a red shirt and red shorts and he had chapstick on his lips that made them look shiny. I’m like, “Look at you. You’re like a Glamour Boy.”

Compressor Head – this chick in college that looked like her face was smooshed in a vice-like compressor machine.

Steam Box – This dude in college that was so skinny and scrawny that he looked like a guy in the cartoons that used to be really fat but then goes into one of those steam boxes that they had at gyms in the 30’s. He stays in too long and becomes super skinny.

Llamma – a friend of mine that I thought looked like a llama because he had a long neck. And whenever I would say llama I would follow it by saying, “The priiiiiide of Peru.”

Grandpa – My friend Steve (comments on this blog under CrotchPains) because I think he used to dress like a Grandpa.

I swear there are a hundred more. If I were near my yearbooks I could rattle some more off but I’m not.

But on another nickname related note there was a kid in Junior High that gave himself the nickname ‘Wizard”. Pretty lame when you do that. We knew that because he had a jean jacket and drawn in pen on the back was the picture of a wizard hat and it said, “Wizard.” Or maybe it was the whole body of a wizard. I forget.

He thought he was badass but he wasn’t.

My friend Flare taunted him all the way through high school when his wizard stage was supposed to be long gone. He’d see him in the hall and say, “Hey everyone. It’s Wizard! Are you gonna cast any spells wizard.”

Wizard would just look at Flare and flip him the bird.

Moral: Never nickname yourself Wizard.

Stupid Invention My College Roommate Came Up With. Toothpicks.

One of my roommates in college was an idiot. I come into the room one day and he’s like, “Can I show you something?”

I’m like, “Yeah OK.” I could tell he was excited.

He walks over to his desk and comes back with a folder. “I’ve got an idea for an invention.”

I’m kind of thinking, “Oh no. This is gonna suck.”

The pitch begins. “So do you know how toothpicks are just plain. Like just wooden? They’re just small, boring sticks really. But what if you had this?” He pulls out a piece paper with a colorful toothpick drawn. Kind of like a candy cane. But tooth picky. “Flavored toothpicks!”

“Oh really?”

He proceeds to show me his various designs. He even had measurements drawn out. As if people don’t know how big a toothpick is. He’s all excited. And I’m thinking, “This is the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” He then goes onto show me a list of manufacturers that he’s planning on contacting. *thought bubble over my head: please record the calls. Please record the calls.*

I’m like, “Not to put you down Dave but I’ve worked at restaurants and they buy toothpicks and matches….all that stuff in bulk. I bet a restaurant orders toothpicks once every five years. And they probably order them from a place that supplies them with tons of other crap, like matches, straws..you know.”

“Yeah but they’re not FLAVORED toothpicks.”

“To tell you the truth, I don’t think anyone cares. Think about it. It’s kind of dumb.”

“Yeah? You don’t know!” He puts his papers back into his invention folder and storms away. It was never mentioned again.

And NO, he’s not a toothpick tycoon now. I guess I killed the dream.

Penn State Homecoming Weekend Recap. Yippin and Yappin.

Here are some various things about my weekend at Penn State:

- If my next day counting was correct I had 22 drinks on Friday.

- Thanks to the strangers that invited us to tailgate with them. Best bratwurst ever.

- I convinced a fraternity kid to burn their float but then said, "No I don't think you should really do that."

- One can drink from 11 in the morning until 3 at night as long as you don't stop. And you pace yourself. And graze throughout the day.

- If you want to keep ownership of the hotel hot tub you need to have someone "hold down the fort" at all times. Otherwise a bunch of hairy dudes will get in and it's all over. (The idea of brushing feet with a stranger sickens me).

- I was pushed into a bush ("bushed") and didn't break a hip. And I managed to not spill my drink.

A gin bucket is a plastic pale filled with gin and lemons. The gin is then poured into your mouth with a turkey baster. If you refuse to do it you will be taunted.

- Watching a drunk friend fall off of a chair is still funny.

- Dancing: I still got it. Unveiled "The Grindarena." I need to brush up on my Mick Jagger imitation.

- Having a friend yell, "It's 3 in the morning and I'm trying to sleep and all I hear is your yippin' and your yappin'! SHUT THE FUCK UP!! isn't funny to the person saying it but it's hysterical to the people getting yelled at.

And much more.....

Brad Neely and The Professor Brothers Crack Me Up.

I've posted a few other Brad Neely cartoons here in the past. This is the type of thing that just makes me laugh out loud.

It's the Professor Brothers. Make sure to watch it to the end because there's a great surprise.



And my favorite line is when he said he found the "cherriest shoes".

Phoebe Cates And Story About This Dude That Got Caught Masturbating.

Did you now Phoebe Cates is 46 today? Where did the time go? Whenever I think of her I think of Fastimes at Ridgemont High when she was getting out of the pool. And Judge Reinhold was peaking out the window knocking out a batch by hand.

And whenever I think of that, it reminds me of a story that a friend of mine tells of when he was in college. I wasn't even there when this incident happened but I used to make him tell the story once in a while because it just cracks me up.

"So my roommate Rich used to live across the hall with that dude Mike. And Mike went to class one day..halfway there, he realizes he forgets his book. So he turns around and goes back to the room. He opens the door and Rich is standing there holding a playboy and whacking off. Rich is so completely startled and that he throws the magazine up in the air and screams,..."WHAT???"

Just the image of that cracks me the hell up.

So did you ever get busted or bust someone?

(If you want to see the trailer from Fastimes, click here - but keep your hands where I can see them you pervs)

Thanks Barry Manilow. For Nothing. College Chicks.

.....so there was this chick in college*. I use to tell her in class that she had the best nails I'd ever seen.

And it worked. I'm not saying it was directly because of the compliments, but she did break up with her high school boyfriend shortly after and we started "dating" - well....hooking up was more like it.

So I was really kind of getting into her until I walked into her dorm room one time and she looked like she was taking a nap.

Me: Are you sleeping?

Her: No. Just mellowing out to some Manilow.

She might as well have said, "No, just reflecting on my last KKK rally."

Well, that just about put the nail in the coffin in that relationship. Thanks Barry Manilow. For nothing. And I'm reminded of this story because it's Barry Manilow's birthday today. She's 66.

And can someone tell me if Manilow has ever officially come out of the closet? You never hear anything about that.

*this was the chick that tried to put her finger in my butt that one time but I clenched my cheeks so she couldn't. A "sorry - this road is closed" kind of gesture if you will.

Mirror on People in Bathroom. College Nonsense and Fire. Dump.

I loved living in the dorms in college. To annoy people on my floor, if someone was in a bathroom stall, I'd say, "Get your mirrors. Someone's in the bathroom!"

We'd all grab mirrors, sneak in and quietly reach the mirrors around so we could see the person sitting on the toilet. The victim would look up and down and realize five people were looking at him. The shock on the person's face was always hysterical.

Then it got worse. We'd then have someone try and grab the guy's legs. We'd reach a broom over the top of the stall and hit him on the head. Dump water over the top. It just kept getting more and more ridiculous. So much so that people would go to another floor if when they had to take a dump.

I guess what made it so funny was that the person was so vulnerable. There's nothing you really can do to fight back.

Then, the tipping point happened when my friend Steve was in stall #4 and I lit a piece of paper on fire and threw it in the stall. I hear screaming, "What the hell?? WHAAA!!!"

It wasn't Steve's voice. It was some dude that I didn't really know that well. I did know he had a bad temper though. So I jump back out of the bathroom, into my room and slowly close my door. I left it open a crack and peared out. I'm nosey like that.

So who comes walking down the hall? Steve. Innocently walking to his room. The only thing that could have been better would have been if he were whistling. He had no idea that someone just had their eyebrows singed by a fireball. The dude comes barreling out of the bathroom, grabs Steve and yells, "What the hell are you doing???"

I'm not sure what happened next because I slowly shut my door. I didn't want to get caught I guess since I was recently told that in an RA meeting they said I should be watched because they thought I was "twisted".

Who me?

Tongues, Arrows, Bigfoot and Other Random Stuff.

Here are some random thoughts.

1) I hate the new Geico commercial - the one where "someone's watching you".

2) My feet are so big that when I have to cut my toenails I need to soak them in the tub first because they're hard like tortoise shells.

3) Family Highlights Magazine always made me sick. Especially that wooden family.

4) I need to buy some more underwear. This time, I'm only buying black briefs.

5) I hope my dog lives for a long time. He's 10 now and he's really starting to look old.

6) I'd love to have a goat for a pet if I didn't have to take care for it and it didn't smell.

7) When I was about 17 my mom told me that my tongue was connected to the bottom of my mouth when I was born so it had to be snipped. You would never know by looking at me but it still makes me wonder if I'm technically a freak.

8) I haven't shot a bow and arrow since I was younger but I'd love to take it up again someday.

9) My doctor is holding me ransom by not giving me my adderal until I get a physical. Is that ethical? Or even legal?

10) At least 10 people have said to me in the last year, "Wow, you're really getting grey." It doesn't bother me but isn't that like telling a chick her ass is getting fat?

11) When I was a kid, I was really into the Bermuda Triangle, Bigfoot and all that stuff.

12) I've been thinking a lot lately about how my son will be going to college in two years. And I can't imagine what it will be like without him here all the time.

99 Luft Balloons? 99 Luftballons? Bald And Fat And Old.

So a friend of mine is having a party tonight that's a mini college reunion of sorts. There are going to be some people I haven't seen in years. I'm looking forward to it. I'll be sure to point out to everyone that I haven't ballooned up and I have zero traces of baldness. Then when everyone gets uncomfortable, I'll say, "Oh I didn't mean you" while I shake my relatively thin ass and full head of hair over to the food. Just to be a dick.

I might have to tell the few friends that know about my blog to "keeeeeep cooooool"and keep their traps shut about my blog. I have a list of college stories I'll be posting soon and there are a few that I really don't want some people reading. Not that some of the people the stories are about will be at this party but you know how blabbermouths can be.

And there's one story in particular about an ultimate practical joke I did. If the person ever found out they may want to track me down for revenge.

And on the subject of balloons and college, here's a song that was popular at the time. 99 Luft Balloons by the hairy pitted Nena. One thing about the 80's and early videos - they were craptacular.

Dwarfs and Little People. College and Hamsters. Nudeness and Suicide.

I went to college with a dwarf. There. I said it.

And do you know what? I'm not at heightist* Why? Because I put my dorm dwarf friend through the same types of abuses that I put other friends through. I'm serious. I did so much crap and practical jokes in college to friends and am actually proud that I didn't treat him (lets call him Rumpelstiltskin) differently because he was smaller than me. Here are some of the good times we shared:

- I would get on his shoulders and he would run around the halls of the dorm. My feet would be dragging on the floor. Sometimes I would pinch him on the neck. That meant to run faster. He was strong as an ox.

- I would fart in the face of Rumpelstiltskin. It was a lot easier since he was always at ass level but just to be a real stinker, if a few people in the dorm were sitting down in the hall - I would still choose him as my victim.

- I once taped all of his shoes to his ceiling. (I know a little rascal that's gonna be late for class).

- I stole his towel when he was in the shower and when he ran down the hall to his room, I put his towel in the drop ceiling - just out of reach - and had his room mate lock the door. I made sure the door was locked just at the last second. When you can hear that lock click, it makes it more horrifying for the victim.

- When I heard his baby hamsters were dying, I made a mini noose and put it in the hamster cage and wrote a note as if it was left by the remaining hamsters. The note read, "I can't take it anymore. I'm going to kill myself" - implying that it was a suicide. Get it?

Now many of you think that is mean but that's what guys do. See - I told you I had nothing against dwarfs. What abusive things did you guys do to your dwarf friends to make them feel normal?

*Damn it I thought I had invented a word. But someone already made it up.

Dude At WCU Not Getting Laid This Semester

WCU Student: Do I have to wear the carrot costume?

West Chester Restaurant Owner: Yes, when you were hired to work the cash register, we told you that our staff - on a rotating basis - is asked to wear the carrot costume, go down to the college and hand out fliers.

WCU Student: Can I cover my face with a black, thin sheath so people can't see my face.

West Chester Restaurant Owner: No. Too Dangerous. You could trip.

WCU Student: What if I cut out holes where the eyes are and wore glasses?

West Chester Restaurant Owner: And ruin the integrity of the carrot? Absolutely not.

Click the picture to get a better look at the shame.