How To Kiss. World's Best Kisser According To A Patch I Have.

If you read my blog you know that I'm very humble. But I will admit that I'm the best kisser that ever lived. In the history of the world.

I have the trophies, plaques and patches to prove it.

My policy is: if the chick doesn't want to rip your clothes off after you've kissed her for 5 minutes you're not doing it right.

Now I'm not gonna go into all my secret techniques. You'll just have to trust me on it. But I may...it's not a promise..but I've mentioned on Twitter that I MAY be setting up a kissing booth. I gotta work out all the details. You know, permission slip, booth construction*, gift card bullshit. You don't just OPEN a kissing booth.

While you're waiting, check out this video on "How To Kiss" that I found on Youtube. I mean...it's got some of the basics but...



*Finding the exact orange hue for the interior shag walls takes longer than you can imagine.

Travel Tip That I Really Didn't Want Burned Into My Memory. Italy.

Oh yeah. I just remembered this. Remember when I was telling you that my son took a trip to Italy with his Italian class a few weeks ago? Well I just remembered the meeting we had with the school and the parents before the trip and this crazy travel tip that one of the moms shared:

Teacher: (pointing to one of the moms) Yes? You had a question?

Skeevy Mom: Yes. You were talking about having the kids travel light?...What I used to do when I traveled was get all my old, dirty underwear that I really should have thrown out and I'd pack them for my trip. Then as I wore the old underwear I would just throw them out as I used them so at the end of the trip I had less things to bring home and a bit more room in my suitcase for gifts.

Uh...OK lady.

Question About Tipping. West Chester Dunkin Donuts and Beer.

Two questions about tipping*:

When did all donut shops and places with a counter start putting out tip jars? I guess it was within the last five years. Not saying that I wouldn't put one out if I worked at a counter but that's not the point.

If someone is simply handing me a donut and a coffee, why the hell should they be tipped? I refuse to do it. Do you guys do it? If so, is it out of guilt?

The lady at the Dunkin Donuts actually holds the change OVER the tip jar so you have to reach to get your change instead of her reaching to give it to you. I guess she's thinking that it might slip and fall into the tip jar then you'll be too embarrassed to reach in and get it out. Classy. Real classy. Then she gives me the evil eye when I don't tip.

Suck it lady! And when I have a coupon for a free donut and don't want a coffee?...Don't ask me if I'm SURE I don't want a coffee. If you didn't want people coming in for a free donut then you shouldn't have printed the coupon. You ole' bag!

The other tipping question I have is for bartenders. What are the degrees of tips you would give for the following (cheap ass, regular tip and great tip):

Scenario 1: Four $3 Happy Hour priced beers that usually are $4. (Total cost $12)

Scenario 2: Three premium pints at $4.50 each. (Total cost $13.50)

Thanks.

*Did you know that in Italy the cab drivers don't expect tips? And in Peru a customary tip is kicking the dude in the nuts? Not really but the Italy one is true.

Chicken Wings. How To. Pissed Off Lady. Bronx Caterpillar. Precious.

How DO you eat chicken wings? Are there tips? There sure are.

I started reading a new blog recently and this helpful chicken wing eating tip video was on it. (Sorry for not mentioning your blog but I forget the name of it. Mention in the comments who you are).

It's actually pretty cool. Maybe I can now go back to eating chicken wings in public instead of in the privacy of my own home. The only down side of this is that when I eat wings, I like to lean over a plate and eat them really fast while breathing like a Neanderthal. With this new technique you have to be slow and mannerly.



What? A double shot video? Yup. On the subject of chicken wings, here's a pleasant woman from the Bronx named Raqui* yelling about feathers she found on her chicken wings and a caterpillar she found on her corn. It's way too long, so maybe you just want to check out the first minute.



*If they do a Part two of that new comedy Precious, like "Precious, the Payback" or "Precious Goes To Flight School" I think they should consider Raqui for the part.

How To Use Marvin Gaye To Pick Up Girls - Sexual Heeling.

"You're going to help me pick up girls Dr Zibbs?"

Yes I am friend. But I'm not going to tell you how to do it The Pick-up Artist Style. Sorry Mystery. I'm gonna tell you Zibbs style.

Step 1: First of all, you need to be a bit familiar with the song Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.

Step 2: You need to get two men to play separate characters. Try your local community theater. You'll find many no talents that will jump at the chance of an acting job.

Step 3: Find an attractive lady in a bar. If she's very dumb it will be a snap. If she's not a dummy, you may have to work a bit harder. I didn't say this would be easy did I?

Step 4: While hiding out of sight - maybe behind a potted plant, have actors one and two approach the lady - one actor on either side.

Actor #1: (dressed as weird professor he leans into the lady's face and whispers really loudly) Get up, get up, get up......

Actor #2: (dressed as a longshoreman or lumberjack he leans into the lady's face from the other side and breaths into her ear as creepily as possible) Wake up, Wake up, Wake up........

At this point, you come barreling out from the shadows.

You: Stop! (use the International "stop" motion of holding palm outward) I want you two jerks out of here! PRONTO!

(The actors flee. You coolly sit down next to her - make sure you've showered and you're well groomed).

Bartender: What do you want to drink Mac?

You: I'll take a scotch on the rocks. And for the lady, she'll have some (pause, look at her and cock head).... sexual healing - FROM ME - not from you.

Good luck! And to hear the Sexual Healing song and really get it into your blood, click here.

So that's my Friday send off song. And the shout out this week goes to new readers Belle from Fawty.com, Vic from the blog What Were You Thinking? and Cameron from Get The Stink Off.

Check out their blogs and tell them who sent you. Me. That's who.

Olives, Almonds and Cheese Is A Tasty Snack

Here's a random tasty snack I found on my computer. Salted almonds, cheese and feta and garlic stuffed olives*. Note the toothpick that's stabbed into the cheese. I like to use it to keep the oil off off my precious hands while eating but some of you fatties may want to use this idea to keep less going into your pie hole. Just a friendly tip. Tubby.

*I get my olives locally at the Downingtown Wegmans fresh bar. Can anyone recommend bottled olives? Are they as fresh? Also, this is boring sharp cheddar. Does anyone have any cheese recommendations?

A Tip For When The Inlaws Pull Up To Your House

Just a little tip for when it's your daughter's birthday and you hear your in-laws pull up in front of your house: do not peak through the blinds, have a pissed look on your face and then start humming the theme to The Munsters. Trust me. You don't want to do that. And if your wife says,

"You said you wouldn't do that again!"

Don't say, "I said I wouldn't do the theme to the Addams Family. The Munsters were never discussed."

Just trust me. Don't do it.

Random Things About Blogs And Some Questions

Here are just a few random things about blogs. Feel free to add to the discussion.

- Numbers - I'm sure most people are using Google Analytics but if you're not, it's the best free tool for tracking your blog traffic. You can even see how many times the stalkers are visiting your site.

- Cash - Is anybody making any money off of advertising on their blogs? If so, how much and what tips can you offer? I just signed up with Sharesale.com. You can pick the advertisers that you want to advertise with. So I'm kindly asking everyone to consider doing their Kwanzaa shopping here.

- Hits - Who wants to share how much traffic they're getting? My biggest week was last week with 1700 visits. Shouldn't this be way more given how great this blog is?

- Traffic -My traffic started increasing in June when I started commenting on multiple blogs.

- Spelling and Grammar - Are many people really bothered by the crappy grammar and spelling on this blog? I swear I proof read and spell check but I guess I get so excited about letting everyone read the brilliance that I've created, I don't want you to have to wait any longer. And for the record, when I see errors on other blogs, I do think to myself, "Look at this dumb ass."

- Sadness - Has anyone ever hoped to read a blog post of mine but then you realized that I haven't posted anything new? Did you ever cry or come close to crying when this happened? Be honest.

- Comments - I'm sure some people have printed out a post of mine and framed it but has anyone ever seen and printed any of the hysterical comments I leave on other blogs? And if you have, do you find that they're best displayed in groups, spread throughout the home, or hung so your guests can read them while walking up your stairs?

How To Find New Readers For Your Blog

So I'm in Wawa today getting the paper and a coffee and I look down and see the story in USA Today about the top 10 Disney dogs and I burst out laughing. The Wawa girl looked at me like I was a nut. The reason I was laughing was because I was thinking of Falwless's blog profile. For favorite movies she has "Air Bud" and "Kazaam " with Shaq. WTF? Classic.

The Blogger profile* is great though. Did you know that if you click on an item in a profile, it will show you all the other people that have that same item listed in their profile? It's true. For instance when I click the classic retarded CBS Schoolbreak Special "Welcome Home Jellybean" starring Dana Hill I find that only one other blogger in the world lists this movie as a favorite. In this case the blog is "According to Talia." I left a few comments on her blog but something was probably wrong with blogger because she never commented on my blog. Maybe you guys to tell her how important I am. Just a thought.

The other great thing about the profile search is that it will list the bloggers in order of the last post they wrote. This way, you're not wasting your precious blog time clicking on posts about birthday parties from January 2006. Anyways, you might want to give the profile search a shot. I've been using it to find other bloggers that are similar to me. Did you know that there are 307 bloggers whose interests include "Making Fun of People?" Well, 308 if you include me. Don't believe me? Go to my profile and see for yourself.

*One thing I don't know how to do is search profiles if the item is not in my profile. For instance I have West Chester in my profile and I can click on it to see other bloggers from West Chester. How would I search for people that have blogs from Downingtown, Malvern and other towns? Please let me know.

West Chester Blogger Shares Steps to Building Memorable Characters

..speaking of old people, the characters portrayed in the last post were actual real people that I saw in the Exton Kmart last week. I never met these old people, I just saw them there. I'm not kidding. Never met them but I was still able to get inside their heads and turn words into character that "jump off the page".

You my friend are about to get a free lesson on how to create memorable characters in a blog post. Here's how you can get some of the boring characters YOU write about in your posts "come to life".

1) Always, always carry a camera, tape recorder, note pad and release forms.

2) Go to a mall or Kmart. These places are full of freaks from all walks of life. And these future characters of yours will be gabbin' about all kinds of things. "I think the sale said it goes until Friday" is what you might hear from someone. Write this gem down. When you get home, review what you've heard and try replacing the words with different words. It's that simple. How about:

"I think the GIANT BIRD said it goes until Friday."

"I think the sale said it goes until MARTIN LUTHER KING'S BIRTHDAY."

(See? It's like mad libs but easier).

3) What if you see some weird looking guy but he's just not talking? How are you going to turn this guy into blog gold when he hasn't said a word? I never said this was going to be easy. You, yes you need to GET him to talk. Turn on your voice recording device and try this.

You: You've won!
Muse: Won what?
You: You'll see. (flee the scene).

4) Draw a few rough sketches of how your characters walk. When at home, piece these sketches together and live that walk through practice. Forgot to number the order on the sketches? No problem. Imagine some of the quirks your character might have now! You might even have created a crazy walking creature from scratch!

5) Live the life of the characters you've created for at least a day. Don't break character. Remember that pickle joke post? I wore a green leotard and cape around for a day. Sure it looked ridiculous and you look like a fool at a wedding but WHO CARES?

OK. That's it for now. Give it a shot and let me know some the techniques you've tried.

Here's A Great Resource For Bloggers

"Ron Howard's Brother" and "Mom catches son". What do these two phrases have in common? They are the year to date top key word searches on That Blue Yak according to Google analytics. I'm sure most bloggers are using the free google analytics to look at their data. I'd love to hear from some of you blogging geeks on some of the other great tools, sites or widgets that you use on your blog.

In the mean time, check out dailyblogtips.com - it's pretty helpful.

Now go back to the top of this post and click on those keywords and enjoy the magic.

Chester County Residents Cope With The Heat Wave

Chester County residents are coping with the June heatwave as best as they can. The following are various weather tips and coping strategies from various Chester County residents:

"Stay away from fat people. If you think they stink at normal temperatures take a whiff of a 300 pounder when it's 100 degrees.

- Larry Grear, Kennett Square

"I like to freeze giant ice cubes into the shape of hats throughout the Winter - then, during a heatwave, I strut my resourceful ass around Exton like a peacock."

- Sean Roth -Malvern

"I like to check on the old to see if they're still alive."

- Betty Polite - Downingtown

"You call this heat? This is nothing - I used to live in Florida. And don't EVEN get me started on snow in the Winter because do you know what numb-nut? Before Florida - I lived in Buffalo."

- John Poliski - Coatesville (formerly from Naples, Florida and Buffalo, New York).

Valentine's Day Tips From Humble Chester County Fork Lift Operator

Valentine's tips are easy to find online. We thought we'd ask THAT BLUE YAK'S fork lift operator Ernie Melson to share some of his wisdom with us this February 14th. Here are the tips he scribbled on a bag while "pinchin' one off". (By the way we call him Vic because he looks like Vic Taybak)

OK, here we go wid a couple doos and don'ts:

1) Treat your dame like a lady on this day.

2) Don't try to be funny on this day. Don't give your lady a card wid two black people running down the beach - no offense Earl. Unless if use is like Earl - black and all. White people - play it safe wid whites on the card. Mulatto? Use is on your own.

3) Don't get her a drill. Even if it makes complete sense that use was gonna make her the planters she's been bitchin' about using the drill.

4) Don't toss the gift to her. Hand it to her all gentleman style and such.

5) Play it safe and go with flowers. I got mine at Produce Junction in Exton as seen in the poloroid above. $10. Can't beat that except when I had to buy them last because I asked her if her jeans shrunk, theys was only $6.

6) If she's goin to Exton anyways, don't make the mistake of saying, "hey, pick yourself up some roses at Produce Junction" no matter how much it makes sense to you.

7) Don't make the mistake and walk over to the Dollar Store and put $20 worth of things in a bag for her as another gift. And it don't matter your effort either if you try to make it all romantic by pulling the dollar stuff out and gettin all clever like, "Our love is like a sponge and all" as you show her the sponge.

8) Call her classy at least 5 times during the day. Check off the times you do it by marking off the number of times on a piece of paper or matches or something. Remember not to let her see you marking off the number of times because then she's gonna say it doesn't count or something.

9) Say, "You smell good -what are you made of roses and flowers and junk." Look up from the T.V. when you say it.

10) Say to her, "Hold on, I'm callin' heaven because I think an angel escaped and shit." Don't try to then catch her wid a fishin' net to make it more believable especially if you're about to leave for the Red Lobster and she's already dolled up and stuff.

Follow these tips and you'll probably be able to be gettin' it on later wid out liftin' a meat hook on her.