Of all the many realms of fantasy, Game of Thrones' Westeros is perhaps the last place I'd want to get wasted. Even stone cold sober you only have about a 30% chance of living through each day there. Bad odds to be sure, but the foolishness that comes with inebriation surely brings your already low chances down to single digits. It's hard to imagine living in such a dreadful reality. No wonder everyone there drinks.
Even if random death did not hide behind every corner, life in Westeros requires an almost photographic memory just to keep track of the medical book's worth of names and families and alliances you have to remember. Assuming you're somehow able to keep your brain nestled within your skull, you don't want to deaden it with alcohol.
Despite their lack of obvious connection, HBO has decided that part of their Game of Thrones merchandising should include beer. They've teamed up with a brewery unfortunately titled Ommegang, which sounds like someone named it with tape over their mouth. Together they intend to develop "truly unique beers that directly tie into themes, characters and nuances of the series of the medieval-like fantasy realm of Westeros and surrounding kingdoms."
I'm curious what kind of beer flavors they derive from the show's nuances. Perhaps they will market a beer after how hot prostitute Ros begins to look after you've had a couple. The same could be said of these theme-themed beers. One of the more pronounced Game of Thrones themes is that people die a lot, especially really poor people. Will they come out a beer for that? A "Life Sucks, Drink Up IPA," perhaps? Character based flavors seem a bit more feasible. I would gladly down a whole case of "Piss on Joffrey Stout."
So far they only have one flavor, the "Iron Throne Blonde Ale," which likely comes in a bottle actually shaped like the Iron Throne so that whenever you try to take a sip, it stabs you in the face, just like the real Westeros. You can tell the alcoholics from regular drinkers by how many bandaids they have on their beard. Oh if only this joke were true. So many bad marriages, saved before they began.
This new brew will premier in stores this March, right as the show's third season premiers on HBO. They're not putting out another flavor until the fall.
In other Game of Thrones news, executive producers David Benioff and D.B. Weiss claim this season will run slightly longer than the previous two, simply because each episode has been filling up their allotted 60 minute limit while most previous episodes stuck closer to their 50 minute minimum. Cumulated, this adds up to a whole episode's worth of extra material, so don't let me catch you complaining about how much you hate your life.
Look for season three of Game of Thrones to return and mess with your head this March.