What I Did NOT Do On My Summer Vacation

Since I was so bold as to proclaim all the things I was planning to do this summer HERE, I think it's only fair to tally up my accomplishments and own up to the fact that I pretty much failed-- at least if you just look at the numbers. I'm barely 50/50.

Oh I had grand ideas, but you know what they say about carefully laid plans. Life got in the way, along with Mother Nature, missing motivation, distractions and a few unexpected twists and turns along the way.

On the top of my summer "to-do" list was spending more time connecting with friends over potluck dinners. Applause please-- I did really well on this goal. Beloved Husband and I entertained a lot this past summer and we're really glad we did. You just can't beat good food and quality time with loved ones. And, with all the cooking and grilling I did, this simple "confetti corn" recipe turned out to be the hit of the summer.

Second on the list was planting tomatoes and trying my hand at gardening... Again. Four plants and a full summer later, I harvested a whopping 7 tomatoes. Big sigh. I am still not gardener. But I made up for my lack of a green thumb at Farmer's Markets. I bought so many heirloom tomatoes that some weeks I was giving them away like those lucky folks who have awesome gardens of their own. But I always owned up to the fact that I purchased the tomatoes rather than grew them myself-- At least most of the time I did.

As for my trip to Ohio with Godson to meet my newborn great-niece-- Number Three on the list, all I can say is SCORE! It was such a fabulous trip that Godson and I are still talking about. And for your viewing enjoyment, here's a new pic of our still tiny but growing bundle of joy.

I get high marks on my goal of long weekend getaways, day trips and a vacation to New York City with Beloved-- Resolution Number Four. Hubby made a very concentrated effort to spend less time at the office and more time relaxing. It was a real treat for me and I took full advantage by getting us out of the house.

That brings me to Number Five-- The @#$%^&! treadmill and exercising pledge. Let's just say I laid a big fat goose egg on making that happen-- "Fat" being the operative word. See Resolution #1 and #4 and all the eating, entertaining and traveling that helped pack on several extra pounds. In short, I ate my way through summer vacation.

After all the angst, construction and expense of fixing our sinking pool and deck, goal Number Six on the list was nearly a total bust-- Pool parties. Mother Nature did not cut a break to Southern Californians near the beach and graced us with some unusually cold temperatures while the rest of the country got blasted with a major heat wave. So the pool was only used once all summer-- for about 30 minutes. On one hand, I like looking out the window and seeing the back yard stable and secure again. On the other hand, it was a very expensive dip in the pool.

Yoga and finding "zen" was Number Seven on the list and all I can say is that it's still on the list. (I didn't even buy a mat or yoga pants yet. Not even the excuse to shop made that happen.)

Same goes for Number Eight-- reading War and Peace, only it's not on the list anymore. Who was I kidding?!? But I did read all three books about the Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and Eat, Love, Pray. That's four more books than I finished all winter.

Which brings me to Number Nine on the list and remembering to cut fresh flowers and roses from the garden. Check and check. I did that A LOT this summer, and when there weren't any in the garden to cut, I brought big bunches home from Farmer's Markets and the Flower Mart. Ahh, that made me really happy. (Full disclosure-- I still do not have a green thumb but I do have a man who tends to the roses for me.)

And last but not least, my "fluff" to-do item on the list-- Number Ten-- "mindless entertainment" started with the sequel to Sex In The City. What a dog of a movie, but it didn't deter me. With minimal expectations and occasionally a pair of ear plugs, I also saw Flipped, Inception, Salt, Iron Man 2, and Robinhood-- And if those movies don't qualify for "mindless" I don't know what does. I also saw, and loved, Mao's Last Dancer. (Now I'm waiting for the Wall Street sequel to hit theaters.)

So technically speaking, that adds up to just "so-so" on my summer "to-do" list. Not exactly a glowing sense of accomplishment but as September begins I'm feeling pretty good about the meaningful connections with friends, family and my sweet husband this summer, and I'm looking forward to continuing as the year presses on.

I also have another trip planned to Ohio to see my family and a trip with Beloved back to NYC again for a reunion with his fabulous cousins this fall. Still, I know War and Peace will never be in my book bag and tomatoes will not grace my garden, but I'm okay with that.

What I do have to do however, is to get my head around the whole treadmill, yoga, "zen" thing. Seriously, I'm 52 years old. It's time to get over the love/hate relationship I have with exercise and stress. I've come to realize fitness is feast-or-famine with me, and yes, I acknowledge the pun. But it seems the older I get, the better I get at procrastinating the work it requires.

So as we move into the later quarter of 2010, I'm not making a year end "to-do" list. Rather I'm just going to "do" better at, and more of, the things that are important to me and stop wrestling with the things I need to be doing. Just saying it makes it feel a bit easier.

Are you a list maker?

Welcome to www.TheFiftyFactor.com - Joanna Jenkins

Photo Credit: © Bob Faulkner - Fotolia.com

This Time I Really Mean It

For the past 20 years I've fallen short on achieving my New Year's Resolutions-- very short. They've mostly included the same three "pledges"-- Stop cursing, lose 5 pounds, and practice more patience, along with a few random promises to exercise more, complain less and read better literature.

I start the year off with good intentions but before I know it, a person, place or thing grabs my attention and frankly, "golly gee" escapes me and a slew of expletives spill out of the same mouth I kiss my mother with before I realize I've busted my resolution all to hell.

Those five pounds-- Forgetaboutit! I'm a woman now with a woman's body and let's face it, menopause if a fickle freak. Five pounds is nothing. Despite the scale barely changing, I should have switched to losing five inches long ago, because looking in the fitting room mirror in not so skinny "skinny jeans" is another example of when "golly gee" just doesn't cut it.

Practicing more patience is not going to happen either. At 51 some things are simply not going to change and that includes anything starting with the word "practice". If I haven't figured it out by now, I'm pretty sure it simply is not going to happen for me. Ever.

So this year, at the start of a new decade, in the new millennium-- And with the encouragement of Nanny Goats in Panties-- I'm taking a fresh approach-- a practical approach-- to New Year's Resolutions. Since we are about to spend the grand children's inheritance on repairing our sinking pool and deck, I think it's a good idea to focus on money in 2010 and I know just how I can successfully resolve to save, save, save!

I will never buy another Band aide, nail file or package of dental floss again. There must have been a run on that stuff in 2009 because I have every cartoon character bandage, size and shape nail file, and at least 25 packs of flavored dental floss. Why? I have no idea, but I'm guessing closeout sales and/or multiple senior moments had something to do with the lifetime supplies now occupying my bathroom.

Silverware and glasses are on the "no shop" Resolution list as well. And I'm not talking about the paper and plastic kind. Oh no. After Beloved's birthday bash in November, I realized I literally have 125 place setting of flatware, in at least 6 different patterns, and more than 300 wine glasses in various shapes, sizes and colors-- All in glass or stainless-- And that doesn't include "the good stuff" in crystal and silver! I mentioned a while back that I like to set a nice table, but never realized how much loot I had accumulated in this area. So from now on, I'm calling a truce and stepping away from the housewares section of department and discount stores.

You can sell your stock in Barnes & Nobles and Borders too because I'm staying out of bookstores in 2010 which means their sales will plummet! My supply of cookbooks has reached astronomical proportions and I simply must stop buying them! Instead, I'll borrow from my BFF's impressive collection and make copies of favorite recipes-- You know, the recipes I will somehow never manage to get around to making but will feel so much better having a copy of "just in case".

I also resolve to never again buy paper dollies to go on a cake or cookie plate. Let's just say mine number in the thousands. Ahem-- Enough said about that teeny tiny obsession run amuck.

Which brings me to my final New Year's Resolution-- Underwear-- specifically panties. I resolve to have a far more realistic attitude about what size undies I actually wear and will stop buying them to fit a 16 year old girl. They always look sooooo big in the store but once I get them home, sadly, they'd actually fit a Barbie doll, not the body of the above mentioned menopausal woman. Seriously, I do not need gigantic Grannie panties yet, I just need a pair that won't cut the circulation off, turning my legs blue, in under 20 minutes. If I can find decent fitting panties, life would be good and loads and loads of bucks will be saved in 2010.

These are Resolutions I feel confident I can actually achieve this year even if I continue to curse like a drunken sailor. I face 2010 with all sincerity and good intentions and the promise that-- This Time I Really Mean It!

How about your New Year's Resolutions? Got any?

Welcome to The Fifty Factor - Joanna

Thanks to Margaret at Nanny Goats in Panties for presenting the This Time I Really Mean It New Year's Resolutions campaign. If you want to participate and link-up CLICK HERE.

Carbs Galore

Food and I go way back. It's been a love/hate relationship on and off for the past 30 years. But, as Thanksgiving approaches, we've called a truce of sorts, at least for a few days.

As usual, I've gained a few pounds thanks to all the leftover Halloween candy and my weight is "up" (putting it politely) which means I'll be pulling out my Eileen Fisher pants (translation: elastic waist) for the holidays so I can enjoy two days of turkey feasting before the hate part of our relationship starts up again.

Actually, it's more of a carb feast than a turkey feast in my book. The only reason I even make turkey is for the gravy to load onto the bread stuffing and mashed potatoes I'll consume-- Thus the carb coma I'm usually in by the end of the weekend. Did I mention we have a "feast" two days in a row? Yes, twice! And that doesn't include leftovers.

Our Thanksgiving day will actually be spent with a wonderful group of friends who are seriously good cooks. The food is to die for! Then on Friday, I cook and we do it all again with Beloved's family. (My family are all in Ohio. We go back every other year.)

The Friday tradition started years ago so Beloved's kids didn't have to "pick" between parents and in-laws for the holiday. We simply removed ourselves and designated Friday as "our day" to kick back and celebrate Thanksgiving dinner in any form we wanted-- Some have sandwiches, some the traditional meal, but it's loaded with all the trimmings and well, now you understand the need for the elastic waisted pants.

So here we go again. I call Thanksgiving my real, or at least my first, New Year's Resolution with the annual "I'll start the diet on Monday" ritual. I've been doing this for years. We'll see how it goes this time. Since Thanksgiving is a little earlier than usual, I have a few extra days to work on taking off those *ahem*several*cough*pounds before I start obsessing about what to wear on New Years Eve.

This is my first Thanksgiving in Blogland and I wanted to take the opportunity to thank you ALL for a great nine months. I feel really blessed and thankful to have met you and to have shared in your lives. Whether you celebrate Thanksgiving or not, I wish you all a wonderful start to the holiday season and thank you for your kindness, readership and support. It means the world to me.

I'll be cooking this week and will catch up again with you all in a few days.

And.... I'm a huge fan of Beth's at Be Yourself Everyone Else Is Taken. She's doing an amazing GIVEAWAY to win a gorgeous new blog header. You have until Thanksgiving night to enter. Click HERE!

What's your favorite food-- Thanksgiving or otherwise?

Welcome to The Fifty Factor - Joanna

Photo Credit: © Amy Walters - Fotolia.com

In The Spotlight

I’m fresh out of blog ideas to write about and thought this might hold me over until my brain kicks back in. Thanks to Green-Eyed Momster who stole this meme from Unknown Mami.  

Here are the rules:
1. Respond and rework, (or not); answer the questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your invention, add one more question of your own.  2. Tag other people (or not). Sounds simple enough, right?

Here are my answers...



What is your current obsession?
Let’s start off with a shocker—I’m obsessed with the reality show Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood on Oxygen.  I’m a freak, I know.

What are you wearing today?
 I'm sitting in the yard so I'm wearing a hat the size of a circus tent. It's been around the world with me, and yes, everyone laughs when they see me in it.

What’s for dinner?
 Baked beans are slow cooking in the oven and we’re grilling hot dogs.  It’s 90 degrees today so it made sense to heat up the kitchen and stand over a hot bbq.

What are you listening to right now?
 The neighbor kids screaming in their pool.

Which language do you want to learn?
 Spanish, living in America, it would really come in handy.

What do you love most about where you currently live?
 We have a red-tailed hawk that flies the skies over our back yard.

What style is your current home decorated in?
 Contemporary and comfortable, but we have a lot of old architectural fragments as artwork on the walls.  I figure if I can’t live in an old farm house, I’ll move one into my current house, one piece at a time.

If you were a time traveler what era would you live in?
 Back to the time when round, chubby women were all the rage.

What is your favorite color?
 Periwinkle blue (like hydrangeas)

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own wardrobe?
 I never met a pair of shoes I didn’t like.

What were you doing ten years ago?
 Working my ass off in advertising and marketing and never imagining I’d hate retirement!

If you had $300 now, what would you spend it on?
 A trip to Baltimore with Holly, Queen of the Universe, in late summer or early fall for Blue Stone Crabs.

When was the last time you cried?  I don’t cry, this explains it.

What are your favorite films?
 E.T. is the only film I've ever paid to see twice.  And I love foreign language films.  But pretty much anything with Daniel Craig, Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep or Russell Crowe flips my switch.

Your favorite books?
 Grapes of Wrath wrecked me.  And I'm reading Writing Home by blogger Cindy LaFerle, it's terrific.

What was the most enjoyable thing you did today?
 Today I took 90 minutes of Pilates, it makes me feel so tall-- Then I took a 2 hour nap to recuperate.

What are the things you would never blog about?  If I have an "issue" and haven't discussed/said it with/to the person's face, I'd never write about it.  I don't blog to "send a message" to others.  But believe me, with the stories I could tell, it's VERY tempting sometimes!

How did you build traffic to your blog?  I found blogs I liked and started making comments.  Then, if a blogger I liked had a list of blogs she/he liked, I’d check those out as well. Eventually I found a collection of blogs I enjoy reading, and comments and traffic flowed back and forth.  Plus Lilly featured my blog as a “guest writer” and she introduced me to lots of great people. But how people build huge traffic and huge comments remains a mystery to me.  I'd love to know!

What makes you follow a blog?
 Good writing and/or great photography always captures me.  And I love to laugh!  Plus of course, a "Follow" button makes it easier.

What advice would you give bloggers? Add your blog URL to the signature block on your email so it's easy to figure out who you are when/if you email other bloggers.  (User names and blogs are usually very different.)  And, it's a great teaser to remind the people you email to check out your blog.

Ann's Question: What makes you comment on a blog?
  It’s my way of staying connected to the blogs and blog friends I’ve made.  I like to show appreciation for their work.

Amy's Question: What is your favorite thing to do when you have some free time?
 What's "free time"?

Tonya's Question: What is a talent you wished you had?  I’m a good cook, as evidenced by the above mentioned *ahem* baked beans, but I would love the time and skill to be a Julia Childs type cook.


Kyooty's Question: If you could be any other animal other then Human, what would you be?
 My mother’s spoiled rotten cat.... or an elephant, then I'd never have to worry about my weight or wrinkles again.

Carrin's Question: Rush just told me that by 2042, white people will be the minority. Do you believe that? Would that be a big deal to you?
 I don’t believe a word Rush Limbaugh says, but I have no problem being a minority.

Melissa's Question: Would you want your blog to be as popular as Dooce? What would be some of the pros and cons?
 Oh yes, I would love to be that popular!  She types, the world reads, and the paparazzi doesn’t stalk her.  Hmmm, I wonder if she gets good tables at restaurants.

Unknown Mami's Question: What do you admire most about yourself? Don't be modest.
 Probably my ability to laugh at myself.

Green-Eyed Monsters Question: If you could be anyone else, who would you be?  I’d like to be rich and anonymous but no one like that comes to mind at the moment. 




Joanna Jenkin’s Question:  What's surprised you about your blog?  I was surprised and happy when guys started reading and commenting!  

As far as tagging goes, I tag anyone who wants to do it-- NO pressure!  And, you don't have to include any links, if you don't have time.  Let me know if you play along!


Since this is all about me, (isn't it always?) is there anything else you’d like to know? Ask away, I'll answer your questions in another post!

Welcome to The Fifty Factor  -  Joanna

Photo Credit 

Caffeine Withdrawal

It's day three with no caffeine and I'm ready to jump out the window! My headache is the size of New York City and I'm on my very - last - nerve!

Why am I torturing myself like this? Believe me, I've asked myself that question numerous times in the last 3 days. Truth is, my doctor said I consume way too much caffeine on a daily basis and it could be the cause, or at least a contributing factor, to my inability to fall asleep, stay asleep and/or wake up rested.  Since I am desperate for sleep, I stopped caffeine cold turkey and pray this gawd awful withdrawal will be over soon.

And I don't even drink coffee!  It goes back to my first job at age 15 when I was a waitress in our local coffee shop. Every Saturday morning at 5AM, my job was to empty last night's vat of stinky coffee grounds and make a fresh urn of java.  The smell was disgusting!  That did it for me, I couldn't stand it.  No coffee for this little girl, not ever. Seriously, I can't even eat Coffee Ice Cream and I LOVE ice cream.

No, my caffeine of choice was ice cold Coca-Cola.  I started with "regular" Coke, loaded with sugar and caffeine.  Later, with age and maturity (translation: middle-age spread) I switched to Diet Coke but kept all the caffeine. Throw in about a gallon of good old Lipton Ice Tea each day plus every piece of chocolate I can get my hands on, and well, I was in blissful caffeine overload.

Which brings me back to quitting cold turkey.  Oh how I miss the sound of the Coke can snapping open and the burn of the Coke as it drains down my throat before I've even had my morning shower.  How I long to chug a glass of ice tea in three giant gulps then pile more ice into the glass and start all over again.

Did I mention my head hurts?

How much longer will it take to "cleanse" my system and feel some relief?  At day three, I'm not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel any time soon! 

To try to move things along, I Googled "caffeine withdrawal" to find some solutions.  Big mistake!  All that did was scare the daylights out of me.  Who knew this "mood altering drug" could be so damaging?  It left me thinking Coke should come with a warning label like cigarettes. 

My next thought was to swing by the pharmacy for a "patch" like the ones smokers use to kick the habit.  No luck.  Apparently caffeine is not addictive enough to warrant one. Damn.

Do you think inhaling the wonderful smell of an open bag of Scharffen Berger cocoa powder counts as "falling off the wagon"?  I've done that three times already today and it's only noon.  Jeez, it smells good, but not good enough to kill this headache. 

Without question, I have a new found respect for anyone committed to the "cold turkey" approach to stop sugar, carbs, chocolate, whatever.  I can only imagine the strength needed to stop smoking, alcohol, drugs or the likes.  I'm not sure I have it in me.

So with 74 hours "clean", I'm not feeling all that much better but I'm hoping a "new caffeine-free me" is just around the corner-- So I can take a nap and actually sleep-- which is the point for all this torture!  Ahhh a girl can dream.  

Have you had to kick a bad habit cold turkey?  If so, I feel your pain. 

Welcome to The Fifty Factor  -  Joanna

Frozen Peas, Mint Chocolate Ice Cream and a Side of Guilt

Last week, my husband had knee surgery; not a big deal in the universe, but a very big deal to him, and me. He's doing really well and following doctor's orders, I'm making sure of that.  

I'm also making sure he keeps bags of frozen peas on his knee so it doesn't swell or gawd forbid, hurt. Hubby dear, is not so great with the pain part of surgery.  

I've babied and pampered him like only a devoted, loving wife could.  The other day, for example, I gently unwrapped the huge, bowling ball-sized bandage from his knee and cleaned the three surprisingly small incisions. Then I re-wrapped his knee in Saran Wrap so it would stay dry when he took his first shower in 72 hours. And it actually worked! 

Afterwards, I helped him dry off and applied three Sponge Bob Band-Aids over the tiny holes.  He felt so much better, although he was not crazy about my choice of bandages; but hey, you work with what you have.  I parked him, again, in front of the big screen TV, elevated his foot above his knee, with his knee above his hip, just like the doctor said to.  Last, but not least, I applied two bags of frozen peas for the five-hundredth time.  He gave me a big kiss and thanked me for taking such good care of him. 

That's where the guilt comes in.

My husband knows I would go to the ends of the earth to make him happy and comfortable, and I've proven it in more ways than just the 14 bags of peas in our freezer. But what he doesn't know is that his "nurse" is hiding a carton of Dibs Mint Chocolate Ice Cream amongst all those bags of frozen peas that I keep insisting are changed every hour on the hour.

It's like this.... The Dibs would cause quite a ruckus in our household because I banned all ice cream from our home last year-- as I started gaining weight-- when I turned fifty. Seriously, no ice cream, whatsoever, except Rum Raisin, and who the heck cares about Rum Raisin!  I sure don't.  Bless his heart, my husband went along with the ban to be supportive.  It helps that he actually likes Rum Raisin and can eat it directly from the Haagen-Dazs carton since no one else will touch it; but he often comments that a little chocolate would be a nice change.   

My guilt began with the knee injury.  I stressed out about his surgery, and stress drives me to eat sweets; and when I spotted the Dibs in the frozen food aisle opposite the vegetables, I swear, I heard the angels singing-- cheering-- calling my name-- Nurse Joanna, we're here for you!  And I bought a big tub of those calorie-laden mint ice cream delights all covered in chocolate, despite my constant bitching about my expanding waistline.  It was just one of those moments and well, ice cream happens.

To make matters worse, I have not shared the Dibs with my poor, sore-kneed husband.  In fact, he doesn't even know they are in the house-- Which technically they aren't.  They're hidden in the extra fridge in the garage, behind all the frozen peas.

Oh the guilt.  The shame.  The increased stress.  So, when I went to the grocery store to pick up new "generic" Band-Aids today, I bought another tub of Mint Chocolate Dibs because I'd eaten all of the first bucket without sharing a single nugget with my beloved, and well, I wanted more.

Here's the dilemma--  I did not buy plain Chocolate Dibs-- his favorite, I bought Mint Chocolate Dibs, which are my favorite. So not only am I hiding banned contraband, I'm also blowing the whole devoted wife award by not being all that thoughtful about my "patient".  The Dibs were an impulse buy for me, not a "my husband would loves this buy" for him.  

I know.  I'm a bad wife....

So, should I tell him-- share some-- fess up and "own" my ice cream shame?  

As I sit in the kitchen typing, the Dibs only a few yards away, I'm thinking long and hard about my decision-- Right up until my husband hollers "Honey, I need another bag of frozen peas please!".  I gulp down a couple of Dibs, wipe the cat-who-ate-the-canary smile off my face, and take him his frozen peas-- Just, frozen peas.

On my next trip to the grocery store, I'll buy him his own carton of Chocolate Dibs.

What would you do?

Welcome to TheFityFactor  -  Joanna

Didn't I Just Turn Fifty?

How on earth did 51 happen so darn fast?

 

What do you think of the picture?  I got it especially for my 51st birthday and this post. Not bad for an old broad, huh?  It feels kinda hip without trying too hard, don't you think?  I saw the proofs and thought, WOW!  "50 really is the new 40"!

Well, it's not a picture not me-- Not even close, but she looks pretty good. It could have been me, oh about the time of my Bat Mitzvah, but it sure as hell isn't me today! Oh, no, no, no.

Actually, maybe, perhaps, possibly, I could have, kinda, pulled that picture off about five or six years ago before my thighs rubbed together when I walked and I could still find the pockets in my blue jeans.  But, big sigh-- That ship has sailed, sistah.

I tried desperately to embrace turning fifty along with the body changes menopause had slapped me with over the past year. Really, I did.  But now at 51, well, the whole "fifty thing" is still... just... not... working... for me...  And it probably never will.  

Can you tell I am not a fan of birthdays?  Actually, I never liked them, not even as a kid.  The whole idea of people watching me open gifts is always embarrassing.  The blowing-out-candles ritual makes me nervous.  And the "woo-hoo you're older" part is right up there in my "I'd rather have a root canal" category.  And I have no idea why.

I envy those who can embrace their birthdays and I love celebrating with them.  I've thrown my share of birthday parties for other people over the years and they've been huge hits.  I even make homemade cakes-- not the kind from a box! Birthdays are great-- just as long as they are someone else's.

So to "celebrate" my birthday today, I'm digging in the very back of my closet to pull out my favorite jeans-- the ones like the model is wearing the picture.  You know what I'm talking about-- the skinny jeans that haven't fit in years.  I just want to have one more look at them.  You see, I may not be able to find my car keys but I can always put my hands on my precious, size four, jeans from yesteryear to remember the girl I once was.  I will never part with them no matter what my menopausal apple-shaped figure becomes.  I view those jeans, with fond memories, as the lifeline to my youth.  

Oh and by the way, the model in the picture, she really is 50-- The skinny, airbrushed, bitch.

How do you celebrate birthdays?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna

Photo credit: Copyright Yuri Arcurs - Fotolia.com

What To Expect When You're Menopausing

Researching menopausal symptoms seems to be my full-time job of late.  I have a variety of other chronic illness that have accumulated over the years-- nothing major, just mostly annoying ones, so I often feel the need to compare the chronic crap to the budding menopausal side-effects now targeting my increasingly freaky body.

I thought I had a fairly good understanding of what was in store for me during "the change" but quickly realized I needed a modern day "What To Expect When Your Menopausing" type of book.  

Seriously.  If you have a baby, you can read a step-by-step narrative on what's happening to your body, practically daily, for a full nine months.  Then there's a second book to tell you what to expect, moment-by-moment, for the first 12 months of your little tike's life. That's hugely helpful!  Why isn't there one for menopause?  A simple, week-by-week wrap-up on menopausal happenings, would be a best seller!  I know it would be a much bigger book because menopause is not wrapped up in nine or twelve little months, but I'd buy that book no matter how big it was, as long as it's not a book associated with a celebrity, product or service someone is trying to hock me.  That doesn't count.

I know, I know, every woman is different, so are the drugs to take for it.  It's not cookie-cutter, I get that, really I do.  But come on-- I just want a blow-by-blow on what to expect, when to expect it, and a few pointers on when the hell it will be over! Is that too much to ask? Apparently so, because I've yet to find "the source" for all things menopause.

In my quest for answers, I discovered something absolutely shocking.  Did you know there are as many as THIRTY-FIVE symptoms of menopause?  I sat straight up in my chair when I read that tidbit of horrifying news. Until that moment, I only knew about the "top eight". (Irregular periods, decreased fertility, hot flashes, sleep issues, mood swings, weight gain, hair loss, and dryness you know where.)

But THIRTY frigging FIVE symptoms????  Who the hell counted and why didn't they tell anybody-- Like my doctors-- who continuously dismiss my whining about these wacky symptoms, or my best gal pals?  I know some things are embarrassing and potentially pretty unattractive, but really, someone could have pulled me aside and whispered the other twenty-seven possibilities that lurk in the shadow of very hot, sleep deprived, menopausal women.

Okay, so only 5% get the "burning tongue" thing, but a heads up would have been nice.  Same goes for the ringing in the ears.  Or how about the "itchy skin" which usually turns up early in the change process?  I just read it's associated with the loss of collagen and makes you look older.  So that explains it!  

And like a late night infomercial-- Wait, there's more! Pass the tissues because some experts say menopause "increases allergies" which is not to be out-done by tingling extremities and the feeling of ants crawling all over your body.  Nice, huh?  Or the whole bleeding gum thing--  I can't even go there!

But my personal, mind-blowing, fave, has to be the peculiar "electric shock sensation"-- like a rubber band snapping on your muscles-- That's a red alert for an impending hot flash.  Did you know that?  Think of it as your body's very own early warning system of a flood about to rush from your head to your toes.  Not one single person mentioned that to me-- ever.  See what we have to look forward to?!?!

No wonder menopause is kicking my ass!  And according to my research, I'm just getting started.  Damn!  It's going to be a bumpy ride.

How are you doing?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor  -  Joanna

Weighing in on Michelle Obama's Biceps

Michelle Obama's Official White House Photo has America debating her right to bare arms.

One of the few things that can be said about America's strength these days has to do with the First Lady's biceps.  With the sagging state of the economy, education, foreclosures, jobs, and a zillion other vastly more important, and potentially devastating issues at hand, apparently it's Michelle Obama's strong, gorgeous, bare arms--her bare biceps to be exact, that are all over the news.  Have you heard?  They're causing a flap... No pun intended.

It seems those "in the know" around Washington D.C. and many in the fashion world think it's inappropriate for Mrs. Obama to bare her arms in public.  The new official White House portrait is "not First Lady-ish" I heard one talking head say on the radio today.  Huh?  

Let's think about this for a moment.  Forget about the fact that there hasn't been a First Lady in recent years with arms she'd ever want anyone to see.  But, in Mrs. Obama's case, her first 50 or so days in the White House, have been a bang up job-- with or without sleeves.  She'd moved her family and started her girls in new schools.  She's worked at soup-kitchens for the homeless and read to school children.  She's given numerous speeches and built goodwill.  She's posed for countless magazines to help build the country's moral.  And, she's found time to keep her arms in the fabulous shape we've all grown to know, love and envy.

People!  It's time to move on.  Michelle Obama is doing a great job, so, on those slow news days, when the press has nothing better to talk about, leave her shapely arms alone and focus on the important stuff..... Like how I can get my arms to look like hers!

What I would give to go sleeveless again like Mrs. Obama is beyond the scope of this blog. For the past several years, I've done every arm exercise known to womankind to get a pair of "guns" to envy.  Now, in full blown hot flash hell, I'd give anything to go sleeveless on a freezing January day but I wouldn't dare!  I'd scare small children and send grown men running and screaming down Pennsylvania Avenue.  Truly, my arms are the size of elephant's ears and continue to flap five minutes after I've finished my Miss America wave.

I took my toned arms for granted in my 30s and well into my 40s.  White tank tops were my summer "uniform" and I was proud of it.  Then one day, I think it was around age 46, I caught sight of myself in the mirror after a shower and said out loud, "What the hell happened here?!?"  Gone were my once toned arms despite my five day a week workout regiment.  Seemingly overnight, I had developed a cross between a big turkey's neck and a large slab of Jello on the underside of my upper arms. Upon closer examination I even saw dimpled skin.  Crap!  Who gets cellulite on their arms?  

God help me. 

That day, I turned on all the lights in the house and ran from mirror to mirror squinting and thinking surely I wasn't actually seeing myself (???!!!) in the reflection.  But there was no denying it.  My arms had gone to hell in hand basket.  I wore black-- long sleeved black-- and went into mourning.  

It's been years since my arms have seen the light of day although I continue with my never ending repetitions of arm exercises. Instead, I cheer Michelle Obama's fashion style, I cheer her great arms, and I thank her for adding little sweaters every now and then.  I can do sweaters.   They cover my arms.  I appreciate that enormously.

Mrs. Obama's Official White House photo is stunning.  If people want to arm wrestle her over her bare arms all I can say is watch out-- Her guns are loaded.  

What's next?  Will some nonsense like she's too thin be breaking news?  Oy.

What do you think?

Welcome to TheFiftyFctor.com  -  Joanna

Think About It Thursday: Quotes #2

Quotes from women worth thinking about...

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

Do not insult the mother alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Haitian proverb

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

Helen Hayes at age 83

What are your words to live by?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com  -  Joanna  

MEN-o-pause

If men went through menopause would it be a pretty picture?  Consider some of our most well-known hunks doing the MEN-o-pause thing...

• Daniel Craig:  Imagine junk in his trunk!
  
• Simon Cowell:  Sobbing uncontrollably over a mushy love song.
• George W. Bush:  "Wanted Dead or Alive" would have a whole new meaning.
• George Clooney:  Sexy and sweaty.
• Spiderman:  I'll never wear spandex again!
• Gordon Ramsey:  In prison for torching the kitchen.
• David Beckham:  Where's my soccer ball?  I had it just a minute ago.
• Patrick Dempsey:  Please god, do not touch the hair!
• John McCain:  Had a menopause moment when he picked Sarah Palin.
• Leonardo DiCaprio:  King of the Insomniacs.
• Robert Downey Jr. aka Ironman:  I'm too bloated to wear that-- and fly!
• Pierce Brosnon:  Lifestyles of the rich and sleep deprived.
• Tiger Woods:  No golf today, I have a headache.
• Bill Clinton:  What happened to my sex drive?
• Brad Pitt:  Does this stroller make my butt look fat?
• James Gandolfini aka Tony Soprano:  Now he's really !@#$%^& psycho!
• Tom Cruise:  Last seen roaming the vitamin aisles mumbling to himself.

Do you have any male menopause suggestions?

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com  - Joanna

Hot Flash: Step Away From Your Wife

Fifty many be the new forty but some things  are simply unavoidable.

Advice for men with menopausal women....

1)  Ripping her cloths off in the middle of the night is not an invitation for wild sex.  She's hot-- boiling, sweating, stark-raving HOT!  If you want to live; step away from your wife.

2)  No comments about her sweat mustache.  It could cost you a limb.

3) Wise cracks, rude remarks, smirks and snickering about her memory loss are an absolute no-no.  The only thing your wife will remember is what a complete boob you are.  If you simply must laugh, do so on another planet.

4)  Your wife is making a grilled peanut butter and chocolate sandwich.  All bets are off if you so much as whisper a fat joke. Remember, women have been found not guilty by reason of menopause.

5)  Her sex drive drove away about the same time she woke up 15 pounds heavier.  Deal with it.

6)  All that sweating is not burning calories so get the fork lift and help her off the sofa.... And stop with the "hunk of burning love" crap.

7)  Heart palpitations have absolutely nothing to do with you sitting in your boxers, drinking a beer and watching football. You are not the reason for her elevated heart-rate.  Sorry Romeo.

8)  Your wife can no longer sleep through the night.  Stop asking for a glass of water and leave her to wander the halls in peace.

9)  Agree with everything she says.  If you have a problem with that, feel free to move the the basement.  It's safer down there.

10)  A bare naked menopausal woman in the front yard making snow angels or a high powered air-conditioner?  Your choice.

Welcome to TheFiftyFactor.com  -  Joanna

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