Sweet Sixteen

In case it did not make it onto your calendar, today is our 16th anniversary. I hope you all are celebrating. Do you love old pictures as much as I do?

June 17, 1995. Columbia, MD.

No better way to kick off your anniversary than to kiss your husband goodbye at 6:00 a.m. and head out for a 13 mile run with girlfriend, Joie. Very romantic. She and I made out the whole time.

Seriously, I thought about Ken every minute. Even when I stopped at the porta potty at the Boulder Rez to take a dump and noticed that someone had left a pair of jeans in there. Gross. Who leaves jeans in there and why? Actually, I don’t want to know. They fit perfectly!

I even thought about Ken when I saw this bird. I am not a birdie, but even I could appreciate this long beak. I looked him up and he’s a Long-Billed Dowitcher, which is a type of Sandpiper.

16 years is a long time to be with one person. It is a good think I really like who I married or else this could have gotten very ugly.

People never ask me what the key to a happy marriage is, but if they did I would tell them – choose wisely. The key to a happy marriage occurs way before you get married. Know who the heck you are marrying. If you have any inkling that something is wrong, assume it will become 400% more wrong later on. Love is not enough if someone is mean or irresponsible or a drunkard. Go with your gut. In my opinion, make sure the person:

• Shares your sense of humor, if you have one. This keeps you going on days that are mundane or challenging or happy or annoying.
• Is someone you can be playful with. Poking, wrestling, pinching. It’s all fair game.
• Shares some of your passions/hobbies if you have some. You don’t have to share everything, but if there is something you spend ten hours of week doing, it’s nice to be able to share some of that time together.
• Respects his/her family and friends because then he/she will probably respect you as well.
• Coddles you when you are sick or hurt. This is an indicator of things to come. Empathy = hugely important. I got seriously ill when Ken and I first met with a terrible kidney infection. He brought me popsicles and his favorite sleeping bag and never left my side for three days. That’s when I fell in love with him.
• Cherishes you. As in - you know by the way they look at you when you walk into a room that they love you.
• Is someone you are physically attracted to. Marriage is LONG. At least if you have to look at someone for all of those years, you want to like what you see.

I got home from my long run and saw these, which scored Ken some points. I never get tired of flowers.

How are we celebrating? Getting a new mattress. {insert “breaking in new mattress” jokes}

This sucker has to go.  Sagging and soft and hurts  my back. Yesterday the guy at the furniture place looked up our records and told us we paid $290 for the mattress about seven years ago. God we are cheap bastards. We have no one to blame but ourselves. Tonight I will sleep like a rockstar.

Ever left your jeans in a porta potty? No, I haven’t, but I have thrown away underwear in them at least twice.

What’s your key to a lasting relationship? Going to bed angry and giving each other Dutch Ovens.

What cheap mattress do you sleep on? Our new one is a Simmons Beauty Rest with 800 coils. I think that is a good thing. I am hoping it makes me a better athlete, gives me bigger boobs and gets ride of my wrinkles.

SUAR

PS: We finalized the Shut Up and Run shirts last night. To start, there will be two tech shirts (one for ladies in white, one for men in white/grey). There will also be one everyday “burnout” t-shirt for the ladies. I can’t wait to show you next week when I’ll be taking pre-orders.

Thanks a million to Paul and Kim at Family Fan Club for all of their hard work! They do amazing customized designs for shirts, water bottles, jackets, you name it.

110% Play Harder Review and Giveaway

Today’s plan was to run 15 miles. And, I did. I wanted to go on tired legs, so I did a hard 30 mile bike ride yesterday afternoon. I figure since I can’t put big miles in, this is one way to “up” my training and put my legs to the test before the race.

For this run in particular I was psyched to have a new product to try out: the Juggler Knickers from 110% Play Harder. Make no mistake, these are no ordinary running capris. These babies house a very unique secret. They provide exceptional compression with cold therapy. No joke.

Here’s the deal. You wear the tights themselves for running, working out, or cleaning the bathroom. While you’re doing those things, you put these ice sheets (reusable up to six months) in the freezer next to your Costa Rican coffee and guac to chill for later on.

When you come back from your 15 mile run, you slide the ice packs into the well placed-pockets of the knickers. Genius, right? No more duct taping ice packs or frozen peas to your butt or knees. Plus, if you’re hyperactively type A like me, you can ice yourself and do laundry at the same time.

Here is me in my knickers on the way out. I know what you’re thinking, “nice ass, scraggly pony tail.” I’m blushing. Funny, I never knew the back of my shirt looked like that:

And, post-run with the ice sheets in the pockets (for the hamstrings, quads, glutes).

You can get these items in knickers, shorts, knee sleeves or calf sleeves. More info:
 

Two Simple Therapies, One Garment – The gradient compression enhances circulation while cold therapy reduces pain and prevents soreness.

Better Compression & Fit – Advanced EC3D garment technology and a 360-degree stretch knit with 50% more spandex than competitors and higher levels of compression for optimal support, circulation and mobility.

Wear During Training and After – Simply wear during training then slide the frozen ice sheets in afterwards.

My review
These tights provide great compression. They squeeze it all in, holding all your parts in place and make you feel very compact. I love the convenience of wearing the tights on a run and adding the ice quickly and easily post-run. I slid the packs in and went about making my snack and checking emails. My body feels pretty damn good this afternoon. The quality of this item is exceptional. You know when you put something on and it just feels well made? The knickers were tight (duh, compression) but were comfortable. You can even put the ice sheets in the microwave if you want to add a heating element.

There are a couple of downsides. First, the price. These knickers cost $150. You are clearly paying for quality and for the icing component, but it’s still a steep price. Given the pockets, the material is relatively heavy, so if you’re looking for a very light weight tight, this might not be it.

The giveaway
Want to try this innovative product? I have a pair of calf sleeves, unisex, size small, courtesy of 110% Play Harder. You can wear them while working out or for recovery or both.

They are compression sleeves with cold therapy that targets both calves and shins, helping to prevent and treat calf strains, shin splints, and leg cramps. Comes with ice sheets and thermal bag. A $75 value!

To enter, leave a comment for each:

• Visit the 110% PlayHarder website. Give some feedback on their product in a comment  + 1 entry
• Tell me what you must have these sleeves = 1 entry
• Become a follower of my blog if you’re not already + 1 entry
• Facebook, blog, Twitter, etc. about this giveaway + 1 entry
• “Like” 110% Play Harder on Facebook HERE + 1 entry

Giveaway will end Wednesday, April 13.

Good luck friends!

SUAR

Fine print:

• 110% Play Harder provided the giveaway calf sleeves as well as the knickers sent to me. I did not pay any thing for them.
• The winner will be chosen by Random.org on 4/13.

Believe It Or Not…

Ten miles – CHECK! I’m officially in the double digits. My body does not feel 100%, but it seems to be withstanding the increased mileage okay. Not perfect, but okay. If you are new to the party, I had a hip stress fracture back in October and am now back to running, sort of. I am planning on running the Boston Marathon in April.

I know this blog is called, “Shut Up and Run,” but there are actually few times I need to tell myself that. I have many problems and challenges, but self discipline is not one of them. This morning, however, I had to scream it in the mirror. It was just one of  those days. Not all runs are equal and sometimes we start out on the wrong foot. But, we continue anyway.

Up at 5:45 a.m, I was trying to get in my long run before I had to head to Sam’s baseball tournament started at 8:30am. It was all a go. I had mapped out a run, laid out the required gear and got a good night’s sleep.

Bad thing was when I got up I could hear the wind howling outside. I muttered the eff word under my breath. I was headed to the Boulder Reservoir and I knew if it was windy at my house it would be Wizard of Oz style windy at the Rez (that’s what the cool people call it). I briefly considered a ten mile treadmill run, but not having the mental fortitude of Janae or EMZ, I kept with my plan.

I arrived at my start point and it was still pitch black outside. For some reason I thought the sun rose at 6:30 a.m., but it’s more like 7:00 a.m. I never run alone in the dark. There was a full moon casting some light on my skinny ass, so that made it okay. Okay, don’t get on my case for running in the dark. I know it is stupid and attackers, wild animals and potholes are waiting around every turn. This was a one time thing and only for 20 minutes. And it wasn’t as pitch black as it seems in this picture. Really it wasn’t.

I wasn’t ten feet from my car when I took advantage of the darkness and squatted in the trees. Crap. Yes, already. And I hadn’t even started.

The first five miles I made three, yes three, more pit stops along the trail. The wind was deafening and humbling. I trudged on, not worried about my pace. More concerned with my stomach.

I’d like to act all naïve as to why my insides were revolting, but we spent Saturday evening at a tap table at Rock Bottom Brewery, so you have your answer. I only had two beers, but I never have good luck with beer the night before long runs. Or really beer anytime. It makes me gassy and moves things through too quickly. By the way…a tap table is this incredible thing. You have five beer taps at your table and pour yourself beer as you please. The bar keeps tabs and you pay at the end. Convenient. Dangerous. Heavenly. It is kind of like this, although this is not our actual table:

The sun started to come up and my spirits rose a bit. I was still heading directly west and into the wind, but I kept telling myself the turn around was soon.

 

I encountered a little farm. Yes, I was the only one around for miles. This is advantageous when you have to poop a lot.

I hit mile six and was thrilled to see this, my best friend:

By mile seven the wind had died down and so had my stomach. I cautiously managed to choke down a gel. I saw another runner and she told me I had blood all over my teeth. WTF? Lips chapped from the wind. Another bonus of this run.

I put in my iPod for the last two miles and reached around to pat myself on the back. This was my highest mileage run since September, pre-inury. I did it in wind and darkness and with the shits and bloody teeth. I always think that the most challenging runs we have are the ones that mentally prepare us the best for race day.

Post run, still trying to hold it in:

If it is windy in Boston on April 18 I will hurt someone. Note to self: no beer the night of April 17. Just tequila shots (kidding).

What was your long run this weekend? Any stomach problems?

Ever sat at a tap table?

Time for a nap,

SUAR

PS: Congrats to McRunner who ran a 2:36:54 marathon in LA today. Average pace = 5:56. A PR for him! Regardless of what you think of his 30 experiment, the dude pulled out a killer marathon!

Shot Ski

What would I do without you guys? Seriously. Not only did you laugh at me licking myself like a cat, but you wanted pictures. Sorry, I can’t lick myself and take pictures at the same time.

You also gave me amazing, heartfelt and honest advice about my injury and “the Boston.”  I read every single comment. The consensus seems to be that it is too soon to tell what the injury will bring in regards to training and running in Boston, but that I need to at least try.

After yesterday morning, I talked to my doc. His exact words were, “As long as you remember that Boston is not going to be a PR for you, you will finish.”

I love him.

Some of you have mentioned  the book, The Long Run by Matt Long. Yes, I read his book last month and think of him often. If he can be run over a bus and made into hamburger and come back to run an Ironman, than I can heal too. However, he did not heal overnight and had to give up some pretty major goals (Boston being one of them) in the meantime. I know I will eventually get better and run pain free again. It just might not be in my time frame.

Yesterday, between some bouts of crying, I did my PT exercises and went to 90 minutes of Bikram Yoga in 105 degree heat. I’m a bit sore today, but am heading out for my 8 minutes. Maybe today it will feel slightly better. And, the next time even better.

I will also wash the dog because last night everyone kept thinking someone farted until we realized it was just how the dog smelled. Imagine going through life smelling like one big fart. No wonder he doesn’t have any friends.

I will also vacuum out my car because I have this really disgusting habit of only sucking on half of an Altoid before I spit it out on the floor. They just get too intense. I have half sucked mints all over the floor of my Explorer. Do you like Altoids? Can you take it all at once? (That’s what she asked.)

Tomorrow is a girls’ road trip to Breckenridge to celebrate Julie’s 40th birthday. Apparently there is something called a Shot Ski that we have to do. This is new to me, but I guess it involves multiple people doing shots off of a ski at the same time. How old am I? I learned what it was from a site called Dorm Guru. Later on today I might rush a sorority or at least lose my virginity while drinking Keystone Light.

Finally, I leave you with this video. I am the ultimate prankster, if you haven't already gathered that. Remember how I spiked those muffins with Ex-Lax? Therefore, I really should be the one at Target pulling this prank. This seriously made me laugh out loud (LOL!) many times.

Hoping shots don’t kill me,

SUAR

Surviving the Long Run

It’s Friday. Almost 5 o’clock. I won’t make some comment about it being 5 o’clock somewhere because I’m sick of hearing that. For me, it doesn't have to be 5 o’clock anywhere. If I want to drink that badly, I consume regardless if it’s 5 o’clock in Taiwan or not (that would be 5 a.m. Denver time, but perhaps I like to pour beer on my Cap’n Crunch. Don’t judge).  Wow, that made me sound like a drunk. I’m just bragging. I’m 110 lbs. of can’t-hold-my-liquor over here.

As soon as I am finished driving kids around, I will pop a cold one. It’s happy hour. Again! (Housemartins, circa 1986).

Here I sit like I do every week on the eve of my long run asking myself, “Where in the hell will I go this time?” (The fact is I’ve run the routes around here a bazillion times and it’s getting tough to be creative. I’m about ready to just run down the highway for a change. Me and the truckers could bond or talk about strip clubs at the very least).  “IPod or no iPod?” “Bring fuel or hide it in the bushes?” (Note to self: pick different bush to crap in). “What is the weather going to be at 7 a.m.?”  

Doing these long runs week after week takes mental fortitude. Here are some SUAR tips for getting through long solo runs.

1. Think about the reward. I like incentives. On my run with Dean (name dropping) I  talked about imbibing in beer and baklava at the end. Oh yea, porta potty. Get ready. This was around mile 7 of 21 miles. He politely informed me that we couldn’t talk about B & B until we were through the last checkpoint and only had 3 miles to go. That’s crap. I need that B & B incentive the whole way. My reward? Usually a big coffee and fatty pastry.
2. Do the Walkie Talkie. I learned about this from Runner’s World. The walkie talkie is when you fart every time your foot strikes the ground. This can be great fun and a nice distraction whether you are alone or in a group.
3. Keep eyes off of the Garmin. I try to glance sparingly at the Garmin. Typically I only look at it when it beeps at a mile mark so I can gauge pace. Anymore than this and things seem to drag. Have a rule about how often: every song, every mile, at half way etc.
4. Change up the numbers. Instead of saying, “Shit I have to run 18 miles! I’ll never make it!”  I tell myself I have to run six miles three times. It just sounds better. However, I wouldn’t advise telling yourself to do one mile 18 times or two miles 9 times. Ugh.
5. Bring your phone. Yeah, yeah, for safety and all that, but I also bring it as a lifeline. I’ve never had to call for a mid-run pick up or therapy session, but I reserve the right to do so. I like to know that if I get sick or cold or depressed I’m not out there all by myself.
6. Have something in your back pocket. I like to have a plan for when I get sick of running, am tired, am bored, am achy. What will I tell myself? How will I keep going? Visualizations and imagery work well too. Getting in the habit of relying on yourself for mental pick-me-ups is a good trick for race day as well.
7. Do the half and half. I like to break up my long runs by taking the first half in peace and quiet. No music. Just my breathing and my feet on the pavement/trail. At the half way mark, I put in some music and it becomes a different run entirely.
8. Talk to yourself. I love this tactic. I don’t do it continuously, that takes too much energy and would make me look insane. But sometimes I give myself a little verbal nudge: “Okay you can do this.” “F*ck this.” “One more mile and you can have a GU.” “Damn, I have to take a dump.”
9. Change It Up. Every once in awhile I change up my form for a few minutes. I try a different foot strike or concentrate on pulling back my shoulders. I might move my arms more/less or unclench my fists. The point is to mix it up and let your body move differently for a few minutes. I also try varying my pace every now and then. Speeding up until the next stop sign. Slowing down for a half a mile.
10. Visualize running the race. Usually at some point in the long run I’ll get super inspired for like five minutes. This usually happens after the half way mark when I know I’m closer to finishing than starting. I imagine myself running the marathon. I am strong and capable and well trained. This never fails to give me a boost.
    
    And the bonus survival tip:
    
    
11. Bring toilet paper. It keeps you fresh. I wouldn’t advise packing it out, though.

What’s your best long run tip???

My New Secret

I smell, but we all knew that. What with all the gas and potty stops along my runs, sometimes I’m not so fresh. But,what you might not know, is that I have an underarm issue as well. I don’t sweat much, but somehow my B.O. is horrendous. You would think I was an overweight hairy man mowing the lawn in 100 degree heat (okay that might be a bit of an exaggeration). I have never had much luck controlling the stench. Sometimes I use my 12 year old’s Axe, but then I end up smelling like my son or some cheesy guy in a bar trying to make moves on college girls.

I am happy to say that with my new discovery, my days of smelling like your old gym locker are gone. Finito.

The trick? Secret Clinical Sport. This stuff is the cat’s meow (did you know the expression “cat’s meow” also means, “A heterosexual woman who is very popular amongst or attractive to lesbians?). Maybe wearing Secret Clinical Sport will make me attractive to lesbians. I don’t know. Time will tell. This would certainly be a bonus and one secret should put on their label.

So…the deal with this deodorant that makes it different, (aside from the active ingredient Aluminum Zirconium Trichlorohydrex in the highest level in any OTC deodorant), is you are supposed to put it on at night before bed. it works its magic all night long and seeps into your pores. You do not apply the next day even if you shower.

I know. Weird. I’m just telling you what it says to do.

It also advises to “apply to underarms only,” which is too bad because I had some other places I wanted to put it. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter.

I put this secret to the test today when I went out for a hot 16 mile run. You know how when you run you get whiffs of yourself every now and then? The air moves just right through your clothing or under your arm or up from your lady/man area and you take in a smell of yourself.  Sometimes it’s enough to stop you in your tracks. I am thrilled to report that each whiff I got (and there were many of them on the long and windy run) were pleasant!! At least those whiffs coming from the underarms. Maybe someday they’ll come up with a Secret Clinical Strength for your shorts.

Mmmm…fresh as a baby’s bottom

Secret did not send me this stuff to review. I just love it and it has improved my life. I wanted to share. I know it came out a couple of years ago and I’m late to the party, but better late than never. I probably never tried it because it’s about double the price of regular deodorant/antiperspirants. I paid $5.99 for it on sale at Target. I think it’s usually about $7.50. Also, for some reason it sits on the highest shelf in the store. I tend to look eye level or lower. I need to break out of that habit.

If you want to try it for free, click HERE for a sample.

Magnolia Road Run – She’s a Bitch

I admit it. I’ve been getting  a bit psyched out about my run with Dean K. It’s two weeks from today. Here’s what’s causing the nerves:

1. I’ve never done a trail race
2. I’ve never done 20.4 miles on trails, racing or otherwise
3. I’ve never climbed 2,721 feet on trails running from 8,000 feet to 9,400 feet. I can hardly breathe just typing it. Would it be wrong to run with on oxygen tank?
4. I’ve never run/pooped alongside a celebrity runner
5. I’ve never done 1-4 above all at the same time

You’d be nervous too.

Dean and I shared emails yesterday. I do love to say that. I told him I might cry if it gets too hard. He told me crying is good because it adds to the drama. At least I am being up front and he can’t say I didn’t warn him.

My interview with the big man is by phone on Tuesday. Thanks so much for your interview question ideas. They were a great help. I’ve compiled a list of some good ones, so stay tuned later this week to be the first to read the interview Q & A!

In preparation for the upcoming race, I told you I wanted to run the famed Magnolia Road west of Boulder. Ken and I did it today. This run has quite a reputation. She’s hard. She’s tough. She’s not for the faint of heart. She takes you up into the clouds. She chews you up and spits you out. This is what the bitch looks like on my Garmin (spoiler: yes, I did make it):

  I stole this from someone:

The alarm went off way too early at 5:45 a.m. I lay awake in those pre-dawn moments when you snuggle down into your sheets, face planted against the drool-drenched-mattress, knowing that you are way too tired to even think about getting out of bed let alone running 15 miles.

Ignoring each other because that’s what we do in the early morning, Ken and I filled up water bottles and my bladder with Accelerade and water. I grabbed a cup of steaming coffee for the 45 minute drive to the start and tried to choke down a piece of cinnamon raisin bread (whopping 32 carbs per slice!).

I loaded up my new hydration pack with the bladder and two 20 oz bottles of liquid. I had two GUs and my camera. Oh, and some Wet Ones should I need them during a roadside squat.

We got to the start at 8,100 feet by 7:00 a.m. The road had just changed from paved to dirt, which was fine with me. 50 degrees. Perfect.

Here’s where I look like I’m doing a l’il Irish jig:

   

By mile one, I knew the pack was not going to work for me. It just didn’t fit right and kept swinging dramatically from side to side with each step I took. Since I would be taking about 30,000 steps that might be an issue. I had the straps as tight as they would go. Don’t get me wrong. I think the pack itself is comfortable, light weight and practical. I just think it’s too big for puny self. I will say that once I removed the bottles, I still had some jostling of the bladder, but it felt much better and served me well during the run.

Since I follow everything that is told to me on the internet, I had cleaned out the bladder with Polident denture cleaner. Spearmint. Probably not the best move, but my water was minty fresh for the run and so was my breath.

As we headed up the first huge hill, we hit mile one huffing and puffing like we had just finished 15 freaking miles. Only 14 more to go. I hid the water bottles knowing they were causing the pack to move so drastically. I would have to survive on the 1 liter of liquid in the bladder. It’s kind of neat how I would transfer from the bladder in the pack to my bladder. Anyone else find that fascinating?

The hills seemed endless. Just as  you’d crest one and have a bit of a downhill respite, you’d be greeted by another incline shouting, “Oh, yeah? Try this one, you pussy!” At about the two mile point a herd of runners flew by us going the opposite direction. Damn University of Colorado cross country team. I know they love this run, as it was made famous by the CU x-country team in the book “Running with the Buffaloes.” Humbling to say the least watching these guys fly by, effortless.

Here come some of those damn buffaloes. They need to slow the eff down:

 

We trudged on and up.

At mile seven, we hit the Peak to Peak Highway, crossed over and ran another half mile on a rocky dirt road. At the turn around, we had our GUs, stretched and headed back. We both felt pretty strong at this point.

If I haven’t said so already, this road afforded amazing views of the foothills and the Rockies. Wildflowers grew everywhere. Occasionally the route would open up to a high altitude pasture with grazing cows and horses. The air in Colorado is so crisp, cool and bright with no humidity, especially up that high. Kind of like Florida. Or Texas.

Here is where we crossed over the Peak to Peak Highway:

   

Ken runs by a pasture:

 

And up a hill:

Told ya’ it was pretty (not me, the scenery dummy):

I did not have to stop to crap on this run. Miracles never cease to happen. So I did a fake out for you. If only I could poop with shorts on. Well, I can but it’s not pretty.

Here’s where I tell you about my studly husband. He has run several half marathons this year, and is training for another in October. He has never run more than 13.1 miles at a time. Today, he ran the whole flippin’ 15 miles with me. He wants you to know he has his first blister on his tender toe. Ever. Cue the violins. I smell a marathon in his future even if he doesn’t.

Nearing the end, some dude passed us on the last gargantuan hill leading to the car. I picked up the pace and kept a steady 20 feet behind him. He was letting out the most ungodly sounds – like he was either yakking or dumping or both. But, I think it was just an “I’m going up a big hill and I’m tired” GRUNT like none I’d ever heard. Think I’ll try that one with Dean.

Overall Stats:

15 miles
2 hours, 28 minutes
1,650 feet elevation gain
1,650 feet elevation loss
9:44 average pace (okay speedies, you try to run this bitch fast)

I do feel pretty good after the run with the exception of an aching ass. I’m glad we took it kind of slow.

Don’t forget my giveaway! Ends Friday.

14 Miles of Nothing

Miles run today: 14  
Time: 2:04:29
Average pace: 8:53
Liquid consumed (water/Accelerade): 40 oz
Nutrition: 1 Razz Cliff Shot at mile 7
Pounds lost: 1.5
Temperature at finish: 80*
Bathrooms stops: 0
Number of tampons used: 1

Here’s me when I got back. Not too much worse for the wear (I just looked up this idiom because I have never used it before and wondered where the hell it came from: If something's worse for wear, it has been used for a long time and, consequently, isn't in very good condition. A person who's worse for wear is drunk or high on drugs and looking rough). No, I haven’t been used for a long time (well those frat boys might say different). I was not drunk or high, just missing part of my head:

I know I should look forward to long runs, but sometimes I dread them. The bottom line is I am still afraid of feeling pain, fatigue and discomfort. You think I would have learned by now that I can and do run through the suffering. I have done it too many times to count in the past two years. I still, however, am afraid of failing. And fearful of the unknown.

I felt strong on this run,  if not a bit toasty. I started at 6:45 a.m Since Denver had a record high of 102* yesterday, I knew I should have gone earlier, but there is only so early I am going to voluntarily get up on a Sunday morning.  Especially when my kids were both at sleepovers. If I wasn’t a runner I would have partied down until the wee hours doing shots of tequila and would still be asleep right now. I guess this is better than tequila after all:

Before a long run I often think I’m going to solve any problems I might have.  Then I am going to figure out my true career path. Then I might just brainstorm how to permanently stop the oil leak and have a vision about where Natalie Holloway’s body is. Truth of the matter is that after being out there for over two hours I have no clue what I thought about the whole time. It certainly wasn’t deep and awe-inspiring.

“I’m thirsty. Do I have enough water until I get to my refill spot? I think I’m getting a blister. It might be the shoes. Hey, there’s a helicopter. Is it time for my gel yet? Do I like this flavor? Maybe it will upset my stomach. Are there are a lot of tress around if I need to crap? I wish there were more trees. I need some shade. Wonder if the kids had fun. I need to buy artichoke hearts. Sad. There’s a dead cat in the road. That is someone's cat, not a stray. It has a collar. That family is going to have an awful Sunday. What’s that rustling the weeds? Snake? It’s Clair’s birthday. I need to call her. We’re out of dog food. HI! There’s another runner. She looks strong. I wonder what she is training for. I like her sport’s bra. Her boobs are bigger than mine.”

And so it goes. For two eff’ing hours. Endless brain chatter of no substance.

What do you think about when you run?

PS: I’ve got a great product review and some killer giveaways coming up, so stay tuned this week.

Wet T-Shirt Contest

The training schedule dictated 12 miles this morning, so that’s what I did. I do what I’m told.

It’s a great day to run in the Rocky Mountains! One of my favorite long runs is an out and back that heads west towards the foothills. It is up hill the whole way out with an elevation gain of about 500 feet. Not the steepest, but a good workout none the less.

This is a view from my house this morning since I didn’t have my camera on the run. That distant mountain is Longs Peak, one of Colorado’s 14,000 foot mountains. It’s only without snow in late July and August. Told you it was a good day to run around here.

 

I have to add this one too taken on a hike last week. Just ‘cause it’s so gorgeous!

At my start time of 7:00 a.m. it was cool and sunny. Perfect running weather. I clogged the toilet before I left, but still had to visit the weeds on the way out. Thank God for country roads that are sparsely travelled. At the six mile turn around I refueled with some strawberry GU chomps, stuck in the iPod (on long runs I usually only use it for the second half) and started for home. Being slightly downhill, the way back is so much easier and I always feel like I’m flying.

At 9.5 miles I stopped at the country store with the bathroom tip jar (I’ve left many a tip for many a load left there. Surely not enough to cover Lysol or plunger costs) and got some more water. I cruised home for a final time of 1:46. Average pace 8:53. Total miles for the week: 29.5.

Ken was on the porch reading the paper. I walked out and he informed me how see-through my running tank was. It’s white and I’ve never thought it was see-through before. Then again, by the end of the run it was soaked with sweat and we all know what happens to white stuff when it gets wet. Ever been to a t-shirt contest? Don’t go zooming in to see the evidence:

Could be worse. It’s not like it was this or anything. Man her daughter is giving her the stink eye, as if to say, “Seriously mom? You’re going out in public like that? Just cause you’re famous doesn’t give you the right to be ridiculous”.

I wore the booty shorts today:

I think this is possibly the most flattering picture ever taken of me. Except for this one when my face blew up due to some  reaction to some unknown allergen:

Fortunate for me I have really good friends who doctor pictures to add insult to injury:

Ken and I just signed up for the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon on August 14th. Who’s in?

Tomorrow is blast off for our family RV trip. Pray for me.

Don’t forget my Scape Sunscreen Giveaway!

Q & A Time

I don’t get tons of questions from bloggers. Probably because I’m no expert on anything, and everyone knows it.  But, occasionally I get a query and I don’t want to leave you hanging. So, read on:

Apple Crumbles asked, “The day after a long run, say 18 - 22 miles or even a marathon, do you feel depressed or cranky? I'm trying to figure out if I refueled correctly or if it's simply over stressing.”

Hello my Apple Crumble friend! What are apple crumbles anyway? Reminds me of cobbler or streusel…hmmm…streusel.  But, I digress. Yes, I get a bit out of whack the day after a long run or a race. Mostly it’s because I’m usually taking the day off and don’t know what to do with myself if I’m not running and getting that adrenaline fix. However, sometimes, I’m just glad to have the freaking day off!

Certainly after a race, especially a marathon, there is that mental letdown of knowing what you have worked for over the past months has come and gone. My advice, be kind to yourself and don’t spend too much time dwelling on if/why you’re in the mood you’re in. Just re-focus and put your energies elsewhere. Like making something with apples that crumbles and sending it to me.

FitMacDaddy proclaimed, “Man, I would not be a runner if I had your intestines! I can't even poop in someone else's house, let alone on the side of the road. I've been known to hold in my poops for entire camping trips!”

Then he wanted to know, “What is your marathon goal now that you're such a speedster?”

Wow, Mac Daddy. My hope for you is that you never go on a two week camping trip. And not pooping in people’s houses? That’s hard core. I think I’ve stopped-up every toilet of every friend and acquaintance I’ve ever had. Then there was one time at that frat party, but I won’t go into that.

As far as my marathon goal – did you just call me a speedster? I think I love you. Seriously. My goal is a very original one. I don’t think any other blogger has ever mentioned it: to BQ. But in reality, I like to have several goals when racing. I’d take any of these end results, but would prefer #3:

1. Beat 4:03, the time of my first marathon
2. Break 4 hours
3. BQ by coming in under 3:50:59. I have been training to run a 3:45 marathon, but we all know just because you train for a certain time doesn't mean you get that time. A girl can hope and dream, can’t she?
4. Win the race by running a 2:12 marathon. Totally doable.

Jennifer (URL not available) queried, “You may have answered this question before but do you carry TP with you on all your runs? The pooping doesn't concern me as much as the wiping. If you do have TP with you what do you do with it?”

Excellent question. No, I do not carry TP and I’ll tell you why. The roll does not fit in my fuel belt. Really, I don’t carry it because the whole thing is gross and inappropriate and yucky with or without the TP. If I use TP then I have to stay in the shit position longer, find a way to dispose of the TP (I am NOT carrying it home along side of my cell phone), and be aware of how much I am NOT washing my hands after wiping. And if I want to wash my hands after wiping that means I need to bring some antibacterial soap and it just never ends. Kind of like that book, “If You Give a Mouse a Pancake” and how he’s going to want syrup and a plate and a napkin to go with it. Live simply.

LMC stated, “I absolutely love the new background on your blog. Is it the Colorado River?”

I have no clue what it is. I would like to lie and say that yes, in fact, it is the Colorado River and I took this picture while I kayaked down thus river right after running a marathon. But truth be told, I got this off of the new blogger/draft site. If you haven’t visited this site and you’re with Blogger, give it a try. It will improve the aesthetics of your blog and we will all thank you for it.

Steve Q. questioned, “Can glow sticks be used as tampons?”

Fantastic question, Steve. I have never used a glow stick as a tampon, and I’m guessing it’s not advisable. I know things get dark in there, but do we really need to make it glow?

Kim exclaimed, “I did 18 miles this morning and thought of you. I was jogging along, working out the morning farts when all of a sudden - RED ALERT - it was not just a fart. Got it clamped in time but had to find a bathroom fast - luckily the assisted living place nearby was open. Thanks, old people!”

She then asked, “Aren't you glad I think of you when I have to crap in the middle of a run?”

I am wiping tears from my keyboard right now because of how touched I am. When people crap and they do so in my name or at the very least think of me during the act, it is incredibly flattering. BTW, going poop in an assisted living place is genius. You could do it on the seat or even in your pants and it would be par for the course. You could also steal a couple of Depends on your way out.

Apple C. wanted to know, “What are the Hammer / Heed products? Can you offer a link? I have a whole box of GU but I can't stand the stuff.”

So, my crumble friend, have you made my dessert yet?

The Hammer/Heed products are all the rage, especially for those of us plagued by GI issues when we run.  Their claim to fame is that the gel and sport’s drink products are full of ingredients that are easier to digest than most sport’s stuff out there. You can read to your heart’s content HERE, but basically you get a tasty and affordable product with the essential carbs (23 g.) and electrolytes, but it’s gentler on the tummy. Only 2 g. of sugar. The sport’s drink, HEED, is less sweet than most drinks because Hammer uses Xylitol - “a natural substance that can be found in a variety of fibrous fruits and vegetables.” Check it out. I ordered 32 serving powder for about $20. And Ms. Apple, they have an apple spice gel that is yummy. Without crumbles.

Sarah admitted, “I actually had potty issues on my long run today and I thought of you....is that strange??”

No, Sarah, not strange at all. Many people think of me when they have “potty issues.” I’m pretty sure Obama takes dumps with me on his mind.

Meg noted, “Super run and hey, YOU QUOTED Buddha on my blog! You never cease to amaze me with your depth and breadth....from poop to the very spiritual. You didn't make that quote up, did you? Just wonderin'.”

Meg! Do you realize you just gave me credit for creating something said by Buddha! No, I didn’t make up that quote. It came right from the big bellied God himself.  He who thinks I write like Buddha will have the kingdom of heaven at their fingertips.

Any other questions or queries? Any add-ons to my answers? Go for it.

20 Miler Report - Not So Pretty

Running tip: Frozen peas make a great ice pack for aching muscles after a long run or race. The best part is if you get hungry and don't want to get up, you can just grab a pea.


20 miles is a long eff’ing way to run, in case you didn’t know it. It’s actually a long way to bike, and even can be a long drive if you are in traffic, your kid is throwing up, has diarrhea or is crying. I tried to map out yesterday's 20 miler so it would be shorter or feel shorter, but when the day is done 20 miles is just 20 miles.

It was a beautiful day, the sun beat down (thanks Tom Petty), and even though the thermometer said 29*, I knew it would warm up soon. We got a big spring snow on Friday, so the mountains looked amazing in the bright sun and the roads were clear. We parked Ken’s truck at the ten mile mark (he was doing only ten), drove home and started from there.

Ken and I hardly talked for ten miles. Some runs are just like that. When you’re with people you don’t know that well, you feel obliged to make conversation. When you’re with your spouse you can ignore them and it’s all good.

Mile 2:
Me: Wow, that smells.
Ken: Yeah, they’re burning weeds.
Me: Oh.

Mile 5:
Me: I’m stopping take off my gloves
Ken: Okay. I’ll take a gel.

Mile 7:
Ken: Can you believe Kansas?
Me: They suck. Ruined my bracket.

Mile 8:
Me: I need to stop again for some Tums.
Ken: It’s getting hot.

Mile 10:
Ken: Do you have another ten miles in you?
Me: I hope so, love you. See you at home.

Back to the Tums. Yeah, I took one at mile 8 because my belly started talking to me a bit. Just some minor cramping that I thought would pass (foreshadow). Unfortunately, when I hit mile 12 the seizing up continued and I knew it was just going to be another Shut Up and Run poop story. Thank god I crap myself regularly so I have something to blog about.

Here’s a pic at mile 12, just to show you the beauty of the day. Not the beauty of my colon, which was now attempting to hold in last night’s sausage, onion, mushroom pizza, 2 buffalo wings, one Alaskan Amber and a glass of chardonnay. Oh, and some Jelly Bellies in bed. Could it be possible I deserve these problems? (Note to self: re-evaluate what you eat/drink the night before a long run).

Miles 12-15 went pretty well. I was cruising along trying not to become one with the many pelotons of cyclists that came whizzing by me. These cyclists always think you are annoying as a runner because you are running on their shoulder of their road and are in their way. Dicks.

I only had a near heart attack once when some guy in a 1980 VW Jetta proved how big his penis was and nearly side swiped me while honking his horn. Nice job. I hope that made you feel really good about yourself. You almost hit a 110 lb runner with your 2 ton car. You win. And, you managed to honk the horn while almost hitting that runner. Amazing way to multi-task. Your mother must be very proud.

At mile 16 I squirted in my tights. At mile 16.25 I stopped at the place with the bathroom tip jar and took a dump. I used the Glade air freshener to cover it up and felt good about myself for leaving an evergreen scent intermingled with the distinct smell of turd.

At mile 19 I had such bad cramps I wanted to walk. But being only a mile, less than 9 minutes, from home, I didn’t want to mess with my average per mile pace, so I kept running. It sucked.

Mile 20: I walked in the door and ran for the loo (I’m so sophisticated and British) to let it all out. Not pretty, but what shit is? Best part was, I went to flush and the toilet was clogged. By whom? My eight year old daughter. That apple not only didn’t fall far from the tree, it got stuck in its branches for good. So, I had to grab the plunger and deal with that whole disgusting business. No one, and I mean no one, likes plunging with turd in the toilet.

The rest of the afternoon was shot. I bet I hit the bathroom at least five times. I got a lot of reading done. Did you know celebs workout with pals and get parking tickets, just like me?? That is so freaking cool. Did you know you can use your Ugg boot as a potholder?

There you have it. A messy 20 miler done in 2 hours, 59 minutes (8:59 average per mile pace). I’m happy with that.


I’m signing off for now to go into my workshop to perfect my running shorts with the built in Depends. God knows I’ll need it for my marathon.

Drinking: Kirkland brand coffee brewed by Starbucks

18 Miles of Adventure (video)

Running tip: If you are brave and like torture, consider taking an ice bath after your next long run. It is supposed to help with muscle recovery. According to Dr. David Terry, ultra runner, "Ice baths don't only suppress inflammation, but help to flush harmful metabolic debris out of your muscles."

Today’s long run was 18 miles. This was the point in my last marathon training cycle when I got injured. I’m pretty sure the injury developed on that 18 mile run on a hot day last August. So, today, I was conscious of this, especially since many of the miles travelled were on the same route as “injury route.” Ken was due for 9 miles today, so we parked his car at the half way point and drove back to the start. The morning was foggy, gray and 33 degrees at the start. The mountains were barely visible. Here were the highlights:

Mile 2: Stopped to stretch –major highlight.

Mile 2-5: Pretty major rolling hills. Lots of climbing.

Mile 6: Ken proposed to me. Not really. He did that 15 years ago. But I don’t have any other highlights.

Mile 8: I got pregnant.

Mile 9: Halfway. Mentally difficult to watch Ken unstrap his fuel belt, let out a huge sigh of relief that his run was over, and settle into the comfy and warm seat of his truck. We had parked at a grange in a rural part of Boulder County. Do you know what a grange is? I just looked it up – it’s an association of farmers. So, I guess the grange is where these farmers hang out. I actually found a picture of the Boulder County Grange:

It looked nothing like this today. There was no celestial sunlight and no travelling minstrels strumming guitars in the parking lot. It was just me, Ken, the truck and some mud. I desperately had to pee. The grange was closed. Ken suggested I open both doors of his truck, making a little shelter, and try to pee in there. I did that, but problem was when I squatted down, my white ass hung below the truck doors. This is not Ken’s truck, but it gives you an idea about what I was doing with the doors.


Not three seconds after my pee commenced and I let out an audible, “aahhhhh,” someone from somewhere yelled, “WHY ARE YOU GOING PEE?” I stopped mid stream and hopped up, looking around for the source of the yell. No clue. So, I bid Ken goodbye, knowing I would find a more concealed pee spot on the way back.

Mile 11: There was nowhere to pee, and worse yet I was feeling #2. I climbed into sort of a ditch off of the dirt road and hid myself in a tree. I pulled down my capris and a dry stick poked me in a tender spot. I let it all out, felt much better and pulled up my tights. It wasn’t until my run was over that I found a 4" long stick in my tights. I am so hard core I can run with twigs nestled in my clothing.

Mile 12: Found out that PB&J and orange Accelerade go really well together.

Mile 13: Damn dog comes at me barking and snarling. Dick. I tried to remember what to do to fend off dogs. I think about going hiking and bears. The sign always says to make yourself look really big (or is that mountain lions?). So, I put my arms over my head like a scary monster and screamed, “Get back!” The dog fell on the ground laughing, got up and shook his head and meandered off. Note to self: buy pepper spray. Ask bloggers what to do if a dog attacks you.

Mile 15: Still feeling really good. Listening to Tom Petty, Black Eyed Peas and Bruce.

Mile 17: Ready to be done. Hamstrings are really tight. Feet hurt.

Mile 18: Sweet Jesus, I’ve made it. 18 miles, 2 hours 46 minutes, 9:14 avg pace.

I stopped on the way home to buy a 10 lb bag of ice for an ice bath. I have never taken an ice bath before because I am a wimp, and hate to be cold. I’d rather have a sucky recovery than be cold. But today, I was kind of feeling it. And I’d like to share the lovely experience with you:

I love this shot because it looks like I am giving birth:

What were your adventures on your long run this weekend?

Drinking: Vics Coffee

Friends DO Let Friends Fart

Running tip: Find a buddy or a running group to run with. The best way to not skip your workout is to have others who hold you accountable. You may be able to let yourself off the hook, but it’s tougher to not show up knowing everyone will be talking about what a wimp and loser you are during their 16 mile run.

I met up with fellow bloggers Jill and Tara for Sunday's long run (16 miles). I’ll tell you the best thing about running with people who you’ve never met in person, but who know you from your blog: they already know so much about you, that there is no “breaking in” period. As in, I could have pretty much shown up and taken a dump right in the REI parking lot and neither Tara nor Jill would have batted an eye. (That's me and Jill ->)

It was great to finally meet these girls. After all, I knew we had at least three things in common: running, blogging, geographics. How bad could it be? I was a bit nervous though, kind of like a blind date. What if I can’t keep up? What if they think I’m really weird? What if they try to get to second base (just kidding, that was blind date talk). What if they go to play on the jungle gym and leave me alone on the swings (oh, sorry, having a third grade flashback). At least I didn’t have to worry about farting and stuff, ‘cause like I said, that’s what would be expected of me.

All my fears were laid to rest when I met Jill and Tara. Both were so nice, friendly, easy to be with. We started uphill for a bit just to see if Tara, who had a pulmonary embolism back in the fall, was faking it. She wasn't, and I really felt badly for her. Indeed, she was having some lung issues (that’s a nice way of saying that she coughed up her lung and left it on the curb), so she stayed with us for four miles, then decided to call it a day. Here's me and Tara holding hands and becoming BFFs.


Before we said goodbye to Tara for a bit, the girls were nice enough to let me stop for a short crap:Can you see Tara's pit stain?:

After saying goodbye to Tara, Jill and I trekked our way through Denver on the Cherry Creek Path, through the county club neighborhood (those people with those amazing mansions and big trees – they are SO not happy), and Cheeseman park, or gay-central, of Denver. There’s this really cool platform thing with columns (I think it dates back to B.C.), so I needed a pic with our city in the background.

Jill was a great running partner. Unlike me, she is quite the experienced runner, having run many marathons and four in the past year alone. She BQ’d several times this past year, and is a certified running coach. I always enjoy talking to runners about their races, their training and what works for them. Nice that we had 16 miles to chat!

Jill and I wound our way back to downtown Denver and hit 16 miles right at the doorstep of the best little coffee shop, The Market ->. Tara was waiting for us there with her laptop and her spilled latte all over the table. Bad lungs and clumsy! But, we do love her regardless. Jill drooled over sweets:


I had some swigs of wine (this picture is so gross – I look like such a prepubescent boy. But like Tara said, if we weighed more we would have boobs but we wouldn’t run as fast. If an actor played me in a movie it would probably be Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone. Hello plastic surgery people: how about giving me a boob job to review?):

Tara had a beer and I love her for that:

I ate a croissant sandwich the size of my head (another unflattering picture I look like I need an IV or at least some makeup):

We said our goodbyes, but not before giving the Barista man favors to take our picture (you can fantasize about any favors you want. And no, I have no clue why this guy in the background is asleep):

Overall, a great day spent in great company. It's just great great great great. GREAT. Here's me saying great great.

Drinking: Starbucks Gold Coast coffee