Being Crude Gets You Things

I won EMZ’s contest because I am crude. If you were all more crude and inappropriate you might win things too. She asked readers to give a comment on her toe situation:

Is it a sick thing that it took me one millisecond to write this?

This has now been coined “tampon toe” which I hear is an epidemic in certain cities. It is a way to be more “green” and less wasteful if you are into that.

Other advantages of being crude involved getting fired from jobs and kicked out of clubs (not clubs as in bars, but clubs as in glee, etc.). In 7th grade I was in the Hula Club (because everyone needs to learn this skill). I got kicked out because of my “potty mouth.” I know you find that surprising. But you may also find it comforting that I have been this way my entire life, so some things do not change. The funny thing about me is I am not mean spirited. I actually have a really big heart, ask anyone. I am a social worker who finds good homes for orphans for God’s sake!

Other surprising things about me (if you care):

• This blog was first called “Run With Me.” I changed it to “Shut Up and Run” after the first month. Good call.
• I’ve never seen the Sound of Music
• When my first child was a baby, I felt completely inadequate as a mother (still have these moments)
• I don’t have a favorite color
• The first time I left the country was when I was 12 and I moved to Greece for 4 years
• I was miserable in 11th and 12th grades. HATED it. Dressed like a dork, bad hair, didn’t belong.
• I’ve been in two earthquakes
• I hate it when people quote from Monty Python movies (Emz, Jason, SR, Aron, XLMIC, Dolvett, etc - don’t even think about doing this in Vegas).
• I cry at race finish lines every.single.time
• I went to high school with Greg Kinnear
• I played rugby in college for one month
• My grandfather is 98 years old
• I hate the taste of tarragon

What’s something surprising about you? I could go on and on about how weird I am, but I won’t.

SUAR

PS: Check back tomorrow. Major shoe giveaway. No tampon toe required.

Special Hidden Talent Entries (videos). Don’t Miss the Freak Show and VOTE!

You guys are freaking amazing. Who knew you had such talents hidden behind the blog curtain. I loved reading each and every one of the 71 obscure things you can do. From wiggling ears to picking your nose with your tongue to opening doors with your fingers toes to juggling. Thank you so much for playing along.

There were a few of you I wanted to contact for videos, but you have no email or contact info. Bummer!! I had to have a video for proof that you can do what you say you can do. Not that I don’t trust you, but c’mon, what if I told you I could wipe my ass with my foot? You’d want proof too.

So, here are the five finalists for the Secret Hidden Talent (SHT) contest:

1. Amanda from There Are Two Sides who can put where whole fist in her mouth:

  

2. Chris from Heavy Steps who can talk like Mama Clump from the Nutty Professor

5. Erica from Run Mommy Run who can drink a beer by holding it in her cleavage

4. Amanda from Running Hood who can stretch her tummy skin like no other.

5. Eric from Running Moose who can do an impression of a pig in his throat.

There are also three incredible honorable mentions, but no video is provided (for obvious reasons), so no voting on these guys.

1. Cayte who says she has an orgasm when she does core exercises
2. Pam from Knickers in a Twist who says she can queef when she gets into should stand pose in yoga.
3. PJ who says she can jump rope with her arms (no contact info provided)

So, PLEASE, every one of you, vote for one of these brave souls who bared themselves on the internet for a stinking SUAR shirt!! Leave your choice in the comments. I love my readers. You all are the best around.

SUAR

Finally, the Chance to Have Boobs

Come on ya’ll, vote on the picture contest if you haven’t already. We’ve got penises, vaginas, you name it. Don’t miss out.

Before I go off the deep end about something non-running related, here’s the running scoop for me. Last week = 44.5 miles including an 8 miler at marathon pace (8:40), Yassos (5 x 800 @ 3:45), a 12 miler and an 18.5 miler. This week is much of the same: an 8 miler at MP (8:40), Yassos (6 x 800 @ 3:30), a 10 miler and an 18 miler. Finally, next week I will back off some and then start to taper down for my May 9th (Mother’s Day) marathon!

Now that we got running trash taken care of…I’ll say this about myself: I love to win. Who doesn’t? This little habit of mine, i.e., needing and wanting to win, is probably the reason I have visited the fine city of Las Vegas no less than 12 times over the past 7 years. I like to think that I have singlehandedly built the Wynn Hotel with all of my losses. Okay, perhaps I just purchased one of the barstools in the Carnival Bar, but whatever. You get the picture. I lose. Every. Single. Time.

The good news is, my children still have a roof over their heads and they have warm Ramen noodles to eat. It’s all good.

I threw my name in the hat for a recent giveaway through Nuf Said, an advertising agency in Lafayette, Colorado. My husband’s company is a client of Nuf Said, so I was considered a legitimate entrant. I won. The prize? A bobble head of myself.

Don’t even think that you don’t need one of these. It’s a must have. Who doesn’t want a distorted dollish replica of themselves with an oversized, wiggling head?

I had no idea what went into creating a bobble head of oneself. It’s the type of of thing you don’t know about until you experience it. Kind of like putting a spoon in the crease of the Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls and watching them pop, or feeling cotton candy melt in your mouth. It’s all a new adventure.

Here’s what’s all involved: First, you need to pick your body. I had it narrowed down to these:

The only time I will ever have boobs:

The obvious choice – the runner. Check out those crazy heels on the shoes :

A true Shut Up and Run bobble head (love the fuchsia panties!):

This would be the butch version of me:

I ended up boring and went with the runner. I requested to have African skin tones, blond hair and green eyes, just to throw everyone off (JK). I sent in these pictures to keep it accurate:

Holy crap. Look at that wrinkled lower face and neck. Don’t even get me started on the pointy nose.

All of this info is submitted to the bobble making universe and in about a month’s time, I’ll be the proud owner of a BH to show you!

What would your bobble head look like? Take a look HERE.

PS: Don't even pretend you didn't notice my new format/background. Whatcha think?

Drinking: H2O

Giveaway Winners and Photo Contest – Please VOTE!

The winners of the giveaways are:

For the female: #256 Meg at MOrfit. In her comment entry she said, “I would love to win that gear because I really don't have any running gear. I run in what I wear to the gym for everything!”

For the male: #459 Wild Bill who uses a duct taped Camelback he found on a trail. Dude needs some gear!

Email me at brisdon@comcast.net with your addresses and sizes and I will make sure your stuff gets to you as soon as possible so you can start looking like real runners and be done with the dorkiness.

Now for the picture voting. You guys had me ROTLMAOWPMNAPG (Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off while picking my nose and passing gas). Seriously, the pictures were good, but your commentary of your own pictures is what made it the best!. So – you can vote for one guy and one gal. Only vote once. Winners will be announced on Sunday, April 18.

GUYS (only five submitted): 

1. Kristen says about her fiancé, George (AKA Buzz Light-year), “He is insane and has no running clothes. He actually ran a 5K like this.”

I hope his run took him to infinity and beyond. I bet you get some serious crotch sweat in that thing. I think George almost looks like Obama in this picture.

2. Suzy writes about her husband, guy in the orange, “ He will only buy two kinds of running gear: shoes and sunglasses. All other clothing is selected randomly from his closet. His base layer is whatever cotton, long sleeve shirt with too short sleeves he grabs out of his drawer. On top he puts on his reversible basketball tank that is black and orange that he bought back in the mid-nineties. He tops it all off with a bright orange hunting hat.”

While this isn’t a totally outrageous get up, it’s still kinda creepy. I like how it matches the jogger.

3. Wild Bill’s girlfriend (Funderson from Brilliance Wasted) explains, “My sweetheart Wild Bill is RIDICULOUS when it comes to his running gear.  We went to the desert this weekend and here is Wild Bill in all his “running gear” glory.  YES those are cotton socks and YES he really runs in those shoes and has done for several obvious years now.  The pants are cut-off dirt biking pants  and the shirt (sans elbows) is his ONE actual piece of technical gear that he procured in the lost and found at the hockey rink.  Also see  a picture of the camel back he found.  He swears it isn’t a kid-sized one…just “mini”…..”

Oh Bill, I love the duct taped Camel Back. If only it was a camel toe. Show us your face, Wild Bill!

4. Dax from Dirty Running says, “This is me as a fairy. Sorry no camel toe.”

What about a moose knuckle?

5. Dennis says about his photo, “Whoever said good things come in small packages was dead wrong. I am large, in charge and in need of some new running gear as you'll see by the attached pictures. Even if I don't win, I won't hold it against you. I'll keep reading your blog even if I'm thinking bad thoughts the entire time.”

Nice, Dennis. Well, maybe I’m already thinking bad thoughts about you or something. Do you have any pupils in your eyes?

VOTE NOW!

GIRLS

Oh ladies. You did not disappoint! I got so many entries and had to narrow down to the top 10. As the Bachelor would say, “This is by far the most difficult decision I have ever had to make.” The photos were all really entertaining, and I give everyone so much credit for taking on the challenge.

1.  Jen at Setting U Free wants you to know, “Here is my funny shot – even my dog thinks I am crazy. Courtesy of my 5 year old… who DID NOT want to take this pic.”

I just can’t imagine why a 5 year old wouldn’t want to see his mother this way. So odd.

2.  Victoria from Vickismalls describes her get up: “That is a COLORADO t-shirt, ma'am. I'm not above ass kissing. I have family in Denver and I think they gave me this when I was a child. It wasn't always a barely-covers-the-boobs shirt. I also showcase the iPod earbuds going down and under my shirt, making it look like they are in my crotch. The Georgia O'Keeffe prints in the background round out this vagina theme.”

Oh Victoria. You know how I love a good vagina theme. And Colorado would be proud of those big boobs.

 

3.  Amanda from Run To the Finish says, “Well this was as crazy as I could think of.”

Pretty crazy, Amanda, especially if you are leaving the house.

4.  Aimee over at I Tri To Be Me says, “Here are some photos and reasons why I need new running gear.  1) My shirts are so worn out that they have holes in them.  2)  My shorts are poofy and make me look like a man.  I assure you, I do NOT have a penis!  3) My head is so small that all the hats/visors I get from races are way too big to wear.”

Crap, I was really hoping that was a penis!

5.  Sarah from Skinny Runner describes her outfit this way: “"Grandpa" compression socks and an outfit made in Ronald McDonald's dreams.  so fug.”

Sarah, the only redeeming thing going on here is that you are a Marathon Maniac. Other than that – well, pass the quarter pounder with cheese.

6. Crazy Clair of Own Your Backbone wants you to know, “I need running clothes and gear so badly.  I have been hiding in the woods my whole life.  I am from the movie Nell.  After I learned to speak and not grunt the old craggy shit holed me up in a no-tell motel. Here's me learning how to use my running shoes. The reason I need the gear is I'm tired of drinking out of shit-infested streams along the trails of my 20-mile daily workouts.  I end up farting like a loon.  A little purified creek water would be nice.

Clair, I’m pretty sure Nell didn’t have those muscular jambs like you do. As for farting like a loon, I don’t think running clothes are going to help with that.

7.  Meg says, “I had to threaten my husband with no nookie for a month just to get him to stop laughing long enough to take the photo. And yes...I actually went outside like this.”

Oh Meg, I’m so glad that your husband won’t go without. I hope you wear the outfit as part of foreplay.

8.   Barefoot Angie B describes her photo this way, “I have a serious potato going on (I’m guessing this means crotch bulge?)!  This is also ironic or funny or whatever since I am a barefoot runner!”

The potato make the picture. Without it, you are just some hot chick with high shorts. Nice ‘fridge magnets!

9.  Brooke in the royal blue unitard , “So this is what I used to run in with a shirt over. Then I got fat and now I am back to getting skinny and still have to run in my old clothing from the 80's. My shoes are old even and so I am not showing them because I am going to get new ones soon. And I am shy faced since being so fat that I really have a hard time exposing all. Just glad to get running again and hope to gain a new running outfit too.”

Brooke, this was a totally courageous entry. I don’t know a single person who could pull off this outfit. I give you some major kudos!

10.  Marlene says, “I may have had a little too much fun with this, and my husband may be pretending he doesn't know me.”

Oh, those crazy Canadians!

VOTE NOW!

Online Surveys & Market Research

Thanks for your votes and good luck to the contestants! Results will be announced Monday, April 19.

Overflowing

Running Tip: Now that spring has sprung, dress light! Wear clothing that is suitable for about 10 degrees warmer than it is. Unless you are training to run Badwater. Then just wear your down coat in the sauna.

Okay, seriously blog world. Is that all you’ve got??? Many of you entered my giveaway, yet so few were courageous enough to send a picture of yourself looking ridiculous. So, what I take from this is that you all want free stuff, but don’t want to put yourself on the line and look stupid. That actually does make sense. Or, maybe it’s a time issue. As in, do you guys really have families and jobs and marathon training to tend to?

How am I to have a fruitful photo contest if you don’t send me your obnoxious photos? Here are the perks of taking a photo risk with me (here come the bullets):

• The odds are in you favor - especially for the guys. GUYS, send in your pics.
• You get five extra entries to the giveaway
• You have a chance (and a pretty good one) to win a really cool hydration pack worth $70
• I know modeling and talent agencies comb my site looking for potential subjects. This could be your big break.

I’m done begging and pleading. Do what you want. But just know I expected more. Don’t you wish I was your mother? I could say this to you everyday.

Today I’m going for twelve miles. I wish for many things on my longer runs. To feel strong. To be present. To see the beauty around me. To not shit. That last wish is a tough one and is usually not granted. It would be a more realistic wish if I said, “To not shit my pants.” Shitting goes without saying.

That said, did I ever tell you the story of my most embarrassing moment? Believe me, I have a laundry list of them, but this one takes the cake.

I was 18. I thought I was in love for the first time. My then boyfriend, Michael, wanted to take me to meet his grandparents in Annapolis. But prior to this blissful meeting, he wanted to take me to his favorite deli for a rich, huge, calorie laden Ruben sandwich and chocolate malt (foreshadow). This sounded good at the time.

Here’s what I remember. I ate the whole sandwich and drank the whole malt. We walked outside and it was about 95 degrees and humid. The tar on the road was steaming and stunk. You know when you feel sick, you notice all the sights, smells and sounds around you. They are vivid. In your face. They all make you feel worse.

We got to Michael’s grandparents condo. It is important to note this was a condo. Not much room to run and hide (foreshadow).

We sat around conversating (anyone watch the Biggest Loser? Anyone annoyed by Victoria who used this word, convesating, in a sentence?). Suddenly, my stomach cramps up. The pain is so severe I’m can’t carry on a conversation. I excuse myself to the little powder room off of the living room. I blow it up and flush it down. No harm no foul (NHNF). I return to my seat on the couch with Michael’s grandpa, “Poppie” and his grandma.

Not a minute later, wave two is upon me. The cramping is intense. The need to use the bathroom again is urgent. I excuse myself again. You can get away with one trip to the bathroom, but two trips in five minutes and you should probably just announce to everyone present, “I have diarrhea!”

This time when I unload, the toilet hesitates. It swirls and bubbles, but eventually agrees to ingest what I’ve put in it. I am praising the Lord, promising to only do good deeds for the rest of my life.

I head back out to the family, who by this time knows I’m sick. I vaguely remember grandma dimming the lights and telling me to lie down for a moment sweetie. I stretch out a bit, already feeling humiliated, but knowing the worst is behind me (foreshadow).

Are you kidding me? Wave three is in the house. Shrouded with shame and trepidation, I again head for the bathroom. It’s hard to believe I had anything left, but I did. With sheer relief because I felt so much better and knew I got it all out, I flushed the toilet. Only this time, the water hesitated as if to say, “Really? You really think you can drop this kind of a load and I’m just going to take it with no consequences?” I watched the water churn slowly, then it started to rise. Little whispers and pleas flew from mouth, “Just go down. Please go down. If you go down I’ll do anything. I’ll join a convent. I’ll stop having pre-martial sex. I’ll give all my savings from working at Roy Rogers to charity. Anything!” But, the toilet gods did not listen and did not care. The shit water rose and rose until it was spilling and gushing from the toilet. I pulled up the small rectangular rug on the floor and watched, horrified, as the shit water started to seep under the door and out into the hallway.

Now, stop reading for a moment, and think to yourself. WWID? What would I do? Seriously. What would you do? What could I do? It’s not like I could sneak out the back window, although I wanted to. I had to call for help. I had to call the first love of my life who I had not so much as farted in front of to help me. “Michael!” I yelped from the bathroom. Michael came over and screamed, “OH MY GOD!” He then called in Poppie, who kindly told me to step aside as he brought in the mop.

And there you have it, my friends. Don’t ever say I didn’t tell you my deepest and darkest secrets. I think since I just put this out there, the least you can do is send a damn picture.

Drinking: Kirkland coffee brewed by Starbucks

Insane Contest and Giveaway

Running tip: If you have always wanted to run naked, but didn’t know how to go about doing it without being arrested, check out the Naked Pumpkin Run website. Good old fashioned fun!

I’ve got something brewing. I’ve had it brewing for a couple of weeks now. And, I’m going to let it out.

Those who know me and know this blog are likely worried I’m about to have a colon blow. But, alas, it is nothing like that. Not even close. This is something you will like, something that won’t revolt you and doesn’t smell. I might go so far as to say this is something you will love. And, if this wasn’t my blog, I would be all over becoming a part of this thing.

You are not going to believe this giveaway/contest. There are two parts, so listen up. Or, if you don’t read my blog out loud, then read up:

Outside PR, a company that represents such faves as Ryder’s Eyewear, GoLite, Road I.D., Sugoi and GU, helped score the amazing products for this contest/giveaway. Devon of Outside PR (who is a she, not a he) did this up right. Thanks Devon and thanks to GoLite and Ryders!

Here we go.

For the giveaway, there will be two winners, a female and a male. Here are your prizes:

For the female winner:

GoLite Cottonwood Run Tank $50

GoLite Tilly Jane Run Skirt $60

Ryders Drill Sunglasses: $39.99

For the male winner:

GoLite Wildwood Shirt $45

GoLite Mesa Short $40

Ryders Eyewear Drill Sunglasses $39.99

Combined, this is $275 worth of stuff from GoLite and Ryders Eyewear! Nothing to sneeze at.

To enter:

There are several ways to enter to win, each that will give you points:

1. Submit a picture of yourself to brisdon@comcast.net in your most ridiculous and idiotic running gear. Don’t be shy. Showing skin, fat, wedgies, camel toes, etc is fine if it’s not too profane. Let me see your style! Go for shock value! Show me why you need some new clothes!: +5 entries (I will enter your entries manually in the comments to be sure you get your credit).
2. Leave a comment as to why you want to win the gear: +1 entry
3. Become a follower of this blog and leave a comment telling me so: +1 entry
4. Link back to this giveaway from your blog and leave comment telling me so: +1 entry
5. Become a FB Fan or follower on Twitter of Ryders Eyewear and leave comment telling me so +1 entry
6. Become a FB Fan or follower on Twitter of GoLite and leave comment telling me so +1 entry

Note: You do not have to submit a picture to enter the giveaway. Just do one of the above for an entry (or entries).

Please leave a comment for each of the above so you get your correct number of entries!

One female and one male winner will be selected randomly on April 12th.

Photo entries from the top contenders (at my discretion) for both male and females will be published on my blog on April 13th. Readers can then vote on these photos. On April 19th, the female and male winners with the most votes will each win:

GoLite: Rush Pack $70

So, get busy. Find the grossest/ugliest/outdated/worst running gear. Undress yourself. Observe yourself in the mirror for a moment like you usually do when you’re naked. Put on your grossest/ugliest/outdated/worst running gear. Set the self timer, or find someone who won’t make fun of you to take your picture. Email it to me at brisdon@comcast.net. Sit back and wait for your victory!

As an example, here’s me in some a stupid ass running get-up. I know you can do better than this:

In small writing:

• Enter now through Monday, April 12, at noon (Mountain time).
• Only residents of the US and Canada, please
• Winners of the random drawing to be announced Tuesday, April 13.
• You guys will vote on the top photo entries from Tuesday, April 13 to Sunday April 18.
• Winners of the photo contest to be announced Monday, April 19.
• All of this cool stuff for the giveaway was provided by Outside PR from GoLite and Ryder’s Eyewear. I didn’t pay for any of it.

Good luck!

Drinking: H2O