With Love

dear swap-bot,

you brighten my day in a way only fat manila envelopes and deco-tape covered packages can.

dear pasta, bacon and english muffins,

i know we haven't been very good friends lately. i love you, but i've recognized that we get along better if we meet infrequently. plus, i think i appreciate you more this way.

dear favorite jeans,

you don't fit anymore! which is great, because you're a few sizes larger than i'd like to wear. but it's also sad, because you actually made my ass look pretty good. and it's annoying, because i don't really want to buy new jeans. but how lame is it to complain about my sad life where i have to buy smaller jeans?

dear hair,

get with the program already! i have deep-conditioned you, i have masked you, i have put egg whites on you and you still act like you hate me. come on! i never blow-dry you, i rarely even brush you, how come you're so finicky lately?!

dear importers,

if you need something asap, please don't send it by sea. then get angry when there's an exam and a delay of 2 weeks. no, i can't make them examine your goods any faster. i can offer you a tip, though, and propose that you use air freight next time. or maybe... plan ahead!

dear blackberry,

i love you. you're the perfect size. you do everything i want. you are pretty and light and fit in my pocket and i think thought of you as one of my all-time best purchases. but you're so damn glitchy now! i can't use yelp or google maps without you having a seizure - i didn't even turn on the strobe light! like a controlling boyfriend, you don't let all of my calls through and your trackball has started sticking. i'm sorry b-berry, we used to be the best of friends, but i think it's time to move on.

dear cat box,

please clean yourself. kthxbye.

with love,

Katie

With Love

dear company i have been on hold with for 20 minutes,

customer service can be defined by the following:

answer the phone.

dear boyfriend,

i miss you. you work too much. some days i'm unhappy with that, some days i understand.

mostly, i miss you.

dear sister,

good luck on your finals today. i know how stressful math can be. :/

dear fox news,

i watch you all day long. so, when i hear that story x is "breaking news" for the fourth time, four hours after it happened, i get a little irked.

dear mom,

i hope you are having fun in vegas. we miss you here. i don't know if i would confide in you about my unhappiness today, but i would at least come hug you.

dear dad,

i'm sorry i yelled at you earlier. i am worried about things i don't want to tell you about. you drive me crazy. but i'm sorry.

dear roommate and supposed best friend,

you have hurt my heart and i wonder if you understand that. i love you, but i have (some) self-respect and i have to stand up for myself. it's hard because your mind is so linear and non-emotional that i wonder if you're capable of seeing how you hurt my feelings. even if you can't, it's not fair. and that's a really hard thing for me to admit. i hope we are still best friends tomorrow. if not, i will miss you so very much.

dear heart,

try to calm down. you are alternating between very fast beats and very slow ones. i recognize the rhythm of pain. i'm so sorry.

with love, katie