Fargo: Let me just say that this Grudge could go in any direction!

shaithis: Because the two opponents are so evenly matched?

Fargo: No, because of my Mario Kart driving skills. I drive as though someone strapped a freshly-decapitated turkey to the GameCube controller, but without its fine subtlety of control. Of course, this week's Grudge is all about Mario Kart Double Dash!! which we Reviewed this week. Tremendous title!

shaithis: More games need to abuse powersliding. In Double Dash you can powerslide around every corner. Hell, I powerslide on the straightaways, just because I can. However: I refuse to use the double exclamation points in the game's title.

Fargo: Here's how the Grudge going to work: shaithis and I are going to launch into an in-depth analysis of the nuances of the bout in order to help you, the reader, make an informed decision.

shaithis: Like hell!

Fargo: For instance, Mario and Yoshi have off-the-line acceleration in their favor, but Wario and the monkey got raw top-end speed, so we'll have to do a curve-by-curve analysis of the track and then --

shaithis: What are you talking about? We've been doing this for years. First, you name the game. Then, I make some comment about the gameplay. Then YOU come out of nowhere with some ridiculous off-color remark about how Princess Peach gives you a "chubby" or something, proving why I never let my parents read the site. Then I mock you, and to finish we get into an argument about something completely unrelated ...Hello? Are you listening?

Fargo: Sorry, I zoned out. Did you say the Princess was here? My taffeta-wrapped, strawberry blonde booty call? Where? Ohhhh ... to be a mushroom in her kingdom!

shaithis: And why the weird pairings? Mario and Yoshi? Why not Mario and Luigi?

Fargo: I can't talk about Luigi after the restraining order. But if I were to talk about Luigi, I'd talk about how he's a menace to the Karting world. The kind of guy who cuts other people's brake lines and then drives to the border with 15 pounds of Chilean Hash hidden in his hubcaps. Uh, don't print that.

shaithis: I hear and respect, but at least you can reason with Luigi. You know, let him wet his beak a little, keep paying the "protection," hell, he's your best friend. But Donkey Kong? He's an animal. We all act like the tie makes him legit. No. He's monkey in a tie. At first, he just killed for money. Now he kills for sport.

Fargo: That's why I paired Mario with Yoshi, you know, to give the plumber a fighting chance. Cat's got a 36-inch tongue. He's the Gene Simmons of the Nintendo Family, but without the morals or restraint. Did you see when he was on Oprah and put his foot through the wall?

shaithis: But you've got him and Mario up against Wario and Donkey Kong! That's like taking the Olsen Twins, putting them in a steel cage ... and then killing them.

Fargo: True. Wario -- or as I like to call him, "Captain Lou" -- is like that neighborhood dog who's been chained behind the trailer park since he was a puppy. His matted fur is caked with mud and dried blood, and he's got a sheet of plywood and a cement block for a house. He's been underfed for years, kicked in the head a few too many times, one eye is swollen shut from infection, and he's never left his circle of dirt with the gnawed up dog bowl nearby. Then, one day, across the cul-de-sac and through a gap in the weathered fence, he sees some rich hag pull up in a Mercedes. She opens the door to let a pack of five pure white yapping miniature poodles with manicured nails out of the back seat. Nearby, a mailman walks with a limp. Some small children are playing frisbee. There's a man by a barbecue, holding a steak. Howling a guttural bark, the dog lunges forward, and suddenly, his chain goes slack, a rusted link giving way. For the first time in his life, he's free. FREE. FREE!! He busts through the fence throwing splinters aside, streams of white drool whipping around his mouth. The old woman drops the leash in fear. The poodles scatter. The mailman flings the mail aside -- teeth! Dog! Children screaming! Steak! Poodles! Foam! Good God man, the horror, the HUMANITY!

shaithis: ...what?

Fargo: That's Wario. You know, in a nutshell.

shaithis: I'm sure it'll be just like that when they buy the rights for the TV miniseries.