1. Street Fighter II: Fighting the Car
This is probably the greatest bonus level in history, although it makes absolutely no sense in the context of the game. Pitting your fighter against a car, the game attempts to answer the centuries-old question "could a man destroy a car before cutting himself so badly that he bleeds to death?" This video of a real guy fighting a junker proves it can be done in real life.
At first, the Street Fighter II car stage seems like a grand exhibition of strength, until one realizes the lack of an audience. So, what exactly is going on here, where it is normal for a guy to just attack a car unprovoked? Why is the character so pissed at this car that they decided to take things out in private?
I could understand Blanka fighting a car, maybe. He might think it's a hostile animal. But why would any non-manbeast fight a car for no reason? It's like the character becomes the Lethal Weapon of meter maids, using excessive force possible to enforce parking regulations.
2. Super Mario Bros.: Level 2-2
Peach has got Mario on the hook. He keeps bending over backwards to prove his devotion to her, but does she ever officially make him her boyfriend? Hell no -- obviously, the Princess wants to keep her dating options open, reserving Mario as a safety net for when she's old and haggard. Mario is a hero who could pretty much score with any other woman in the Mushroom Kingdom... but instead, he labors through miniboss after miniboss, trying to make Peach happy.
That's why it's extra nauseating to think about level 2-2 in the original Super Mario Bros. It's the first water level where Mario swims. But "water level" is a nice way of phrasing things, as Mario enters and exits the level by climbing into a large pipe. That would make the level a sewer... and wow, is this sewer full.
Mario doesn't mind swimming through 12 feet of waste, though. Nope, he's too busy reassuring himself that this will be the time the Princess kisses him on the mouth and not the cheek. Probably not, dude -- you just swam through sewage.
Also, I don't think it's an excessive complaint to point out that Mario is a horrible plumber. Those sewers are really backed up, almost flooding into the joyous Mushroom Kingdom. Any decent plumber would just drain the sewer, then run through the level, squishing the life out of bloopers as they gasp helplessly for air.
3. Tomb Raider II: Floating Islands
The finest installment in the Tomb Raider series finds protagonist Lara Croft searching the world for clues to obtaining the Dagger of Xian. This priceless artifact lies behind a huge wall of stone in China. In my day, searching for treasure underneath rock was called "mining," but if they want to call it "Tomb Raiding," whatever. What's so cool about this dagger is that one can stab themselves with it to permanently turn into a dragon.
After Lara sees her rival obtain the dagger and thrust it into his own cold heart, she follows his corpse out of the chamber, and the level ends. You begin the next level on a series of jade islands floating in limbo. No sky, no ground... and how you got there is left completely to your imagination. You'd think that a bunch of mysterious floating ethereal islands made of jade would qualify as "treasure Lara might be interested in." You'd be wrong; Lara is not interested in treasure that's obviously the product of a level designer's drug hallucination.
4. Assassin's Creed: The Animus
Assassin's Creed's incredible gameplay set the foundation for a groundbreaking series of titles. It's too bad the creators almost ruined everything by gluing on a plot that attempted to screw with gamers' minds.
Now, the metaplot is pretty mind-blowing, especially when more details are revealed in the sequel. However, in the original Assassin's Creed, you regularly have to stop clawing people's throats a thousand years ago to wake up in the Animus, a device that lets people channel their past through their DNA. It's a futuristic invention, and it's obviously needed because the future seems to be the most boring place of all-time. Until you hop back in the Animus and return to the assassinating, all you can do is wander slowly around the lab, getting extraordinarily veiled hints about the metaplot and talking to just about the least-hot representation of Kristen Bell that's ever been rendered.
Even beating the game reveals very little (although one is given free reign to walk slowly around the Animus lab, oh joy!). The cool metaplot the Animus serves is only hinted at through a ridiculously convoluted puzzle after the game is completed; that's like if all the Final Fantasies were just about Cid trying to find the right wrench to fix an airship engine.