GameSpy's 2010 Video Game Roast

So, 2010... on paper it seemed like it was going to be a good year, right? A ton of long-anticipated games like Final Fantasy XIII, Alan Wake, and Gran Turismo 5 were set to finally come out, and even Nintendo agreed to briefly descend from their mountain of Nintendogs and Brain Training money to develop actual games again. Somehow, though, the year ended up feeling vaguely unsatisfying -- like eating at Olive Garden, or masturbating with your weak hand. How did such a promising year go wrong? We can't say for sure, but we here at GameSpy have a few characters and games from 2010 that we feel we need to call out...



Mario

Hey everybody, we all ought to give the one-and-only Super Mario a big hand, since according to his Nintendo overlords, he turns 25 this year!

We first saw his face in Donkey Kong back in 1981, though. Mr. Video, Jumpman, Mario -- this guy has more identities and birth dates than Don Draper, although we can see why he might want to cover up his pre-Super days. As far as anyone can tell, he spent most of those early times gleefully beating his pet monkey, and don't get us started on his girlfriend Pauline. She actually managed to make the next lady in his life, Princess Toadstool, look like a step up -- which is impressive, considering when she and Mario first met, the Princess had a face that looked like the work of a drunken Picasso.


Speaking of the Princess, get a load of this chick -- we've seen less plastic faces on a Mr. Potato Head. Compare how she looked in Super Mario Bros. to how she looks in Super Mario Galaxy. She needs someone who's had more tasteful surgery to give her some lessons on restraint... maybe Joan Rivers is available. This is, of course, assuming Princess Toadstool and Princess Peach are the same person. Mario swears they are, but we're starting to get the feeling the original Princess is tied to a thwomp at the bottom of level 2-2.

But hey, all that aside, just for laughs, let's say Mario is turning 25 this year. If that's the case, it's time to make a decision about that moustache buddy -- it may have seemed hip and ironic back when you were a wild 18-year-old spending time in and out of jail on Delfino island, but you're getting to the age where the look doesn't scream "cool" so much as "8th-grade shop teacher." Then again, maybe it's best you keep it since, it's really the only thing that keeps you from looking like a horrifying, man-sized baby.


On that subject, what is with your voice, buddy? We don't know if you missed this section in health class, but when guys hit puberty, their voices are supposed to get deeper. Instead, when you starred in Super Mario 64 at the age of 11 or 12, you went from sounding like Lou Albano to an Italian Tiny Tim. Do you need to get Yoshi a softer saddle? Or is it just the decades of getting cock-blocked by Princess Peachstool here? You can find plenty of ways to deal with that -- just make sure to bring along the Kuribo's shoe for clean-up. After 25 years, you're going to need it.

But hey, once again, happy sort-of 25th birthday to you, Mario. Oh, and we suppose Luigi too, but seriously folks, features that guy.



Final Fantasy XIII

Hey, you know what was fun? Riding a whale-shaped rocket-ship to the moon in Final Fantasy IV. You know what's dumb? Leaving the moon in a rocket-ship-shaped rocket-ship and going to Earth. Battlestar Galactica took so damn long to find Earth, and that's because it's boring compared to outer space. Kinda like your house is less interesting than a Halloween party.


Kudos, Square Enix, for fixing the problem of Final Fantasy having sub-par minigames. Too bad you fixed it by having zero minigames. Or was your entire game a minigame? That can't be true; minigames are sometimes fun. Your game was so boring, they could show it on C-SPAN and nobody would notice.

Maybe we're jumping to conclusions. Maybe we've misunderstood things. Where we come from, Espers aren't synonymous with "redneck motorcycles." Seriously, your Final Fantasy VII motorcycle game was boring, so why are you making us watch spermy blue Siamese freaks ride a hog while the player occasionally taps a button? Speaking of tapping, what's with the G-rated plotline? If we wanted that, we'd play Kingdom Hearts 3: Mickey Battles Hello Kitty and Pokemon.

But seriously, you have to be doing something right, since Final Fantasy XIV released faster than Levi Johnston at Junior prom. Let's hear it for Final Fantasy XIII, it's a classic!