It's SHOCKtoberin' time!

Can you feel it, pals? It is upon us at last! SHOCKtober is here! I hope you have stocked up on (fake) eyeballs and candy corns because we have a shitton of movies to count down this month! Why you would need a bunch of (fake) eyeballs and candy corns to read a list on a website I do not know. But that's your problem not mine!

Me when I woke up and realized it's October

Now look, before we get into the nitty and/or the gritty, lemme get a few things out of the way:

• Again, THANK YOU to everyone who sent in a list! Without you...well, I would have had to come up with another idea for the month and that would have been a drag. Also it would have made me feel bad, so hooray.
• The list is much bigger than I was anticipating! 630 movies, y'all, way to go!
• That said, between the hundreds of votes, SHOCKtober 2017's list of 630 movies and SHOCKtober 2010's list of 732 movies, NOT ONE OF YOU voted for Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes. Exactly what does a possessed floor lamp have to do to get some respect around here?? I tell ya, when I realized it was going to be neglected again, I felt like canceling SHOCKtober, throwing my computer out the window, taking to my fainting couch for a while (aka my regular couch), finding the nearest cliff, throwing myself off said cliff, and exploding when I hit the ground. You know what else was thrown off a cliff and exploded at the bottom? THE POSSESSED FLOOR LAMP. But I guess none of you care about that. Harrumph! HARRUMPH I SAY.
• Well, I'm going to try (or at least try to try) to soldier on regardless. It's true what they say on The Internet: no list is perfect.
• Actually, it's more like they say "This list sucks you suck why do they even let you write here you don't even know anything about horror movies you're stupid"
• Actually, it would be "your stupid"
• Oh! Listen, for real, thank you for all the variations on "hooray" you included in your submissions, like "hooray Final Girl is back" and the such. Truly, made my day every time.

List...rules, I guess:

• There's a super slim (I hope) chance that films may be listed twice, like if a movie has a weird alternate title and I didn't catch it before posting. We should be good! I am just saying.
• Everything is ranked according to the number of votes received, but when multiple movies earned equal votes, the ranking is just mostly alphabetical. So if they each got one vote, there's really no difference between Movie #630 and Movie #200. I'm sure you could have figured that out. I am just saying.
• I'll be linking to any reviews I've done. I'll be posting every day throughout the month–sometimes even more than once!–so keep your eyeballs (fake and real) at the ready! 

So! Without further ado or aduh, let's get down to it!

Each of these films received ONE VOTE. That's right–only one person in the whole world likes these movies!

630. 1408 -- 2007, Mikael Håfström
629. 10 Cloverfield Lane -- 2016, Dan Trachtenberg
628. 3 Women -- 1977, Robert Altman
627. 30 Days of Night -- 2007, David Slade
626. Five Million Years to Earth -- 1967, Roy Ward Baker
625. A Night to Dismember -- 1983, Doris Wishman
624. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge -- 1985, Jack Sholder
623. A Page of Madness -- 1926, Teinosuke Kinugasa
622. A Serbian Film -- 2010, Srdjan Spasojevic
621. Absentia -- 2011, Mike Flanagan
620. Alien 3 -- 1992, David Fincher
619. Alien Covenant -- 2017, Ridley Scott
618. All the Boys Love Mandy Lane -- 2006, Jonathan Levine
617. Amer -- 2009, Hélène Cattet & Bruno Forzani

I didn't much care for the original Cloverfield and as such I was not enthusiastic about 10 Cloverfield Lane. Not even with its John Goodman-osity and its Mary Elizabeth Winstead-ness! But when I finally made a little time for it...hat-cha, it's some damn fine entertainment. I loved it.

3 Women! If you haven't seen 3 Women yet, what are you waiting for? Go watch it, it's fucking sublime. Sissy Spacek and Shelley Duvall should have appeared in more movies together. Many more. Many, many more. Every movie ever, actually.

If you have seen 3 Women then here, watch Doris effing Wishman and Roger effing Ebert on Conan O'Brien in 2002 and lament the fact that we used to be a society where people like Doris WIshman and Roger Ebert were on talk shows.

junior varsity

Boy oh boy, some movies just ruin it for other movies by setting the bar so high, you know? It's like, Dear All Movies Featuring Murders By Phone That Are Not Murder By Phone, you will not feature better murders by phone than Murder By Phone, so why don't you just PHONE HOME (and by "phone" I mean go) (and yes, I need to work on my dissin' skills)? Right? Or, Dear All Movies Featuring Killer Bees, it is statistically impossible for you to be better than The Swarm, so take a hike!

This is essentially the problem faced by every demonic possession film that's come along in the 40 years since The Exorcist brought pea soup spew to the masses: it's impossible to beat, so what can you bring to the table to differentiate yourself? As I noted in my review for Beyond the Door, possession flicks either tend to rip-off The Exorcist or separate themselves from the pack by going down a more "realistic" road, which basically means that less gnarly makeup is used (such as The Exorcism of Emily Rose, which employs a dramatic courtroom framing narrative, and The Devil Inside and The Last Exorcism, which utilize a POV/found footage/documentary setup). Then you have The Antichrist, which is Exorcist-gnarly but jazzes up the proceedings with profane sex.

So. There I sit in front of The Possession (2012), all arms crossed and jaw a-juttin', asking what it's got to say for itself. Daring it to thrill me with something new...although I know that it doesn't really matter if its stale as a month-old loaf o' rye or as fresh as a macaroni salad beneath a Tupperware seal, on some level I'm going to like it because I'm a sucker for possession flicks. It doesn't mean I won't call out crap on its crappiness. It just means I've got a soft spot for 'em, as one might have for old people or young people or dogs wearing tights.

Wait, what was I talking about before I got distracted by Tupperware and dogs in tights (it happens all the time)? Ah! The Possession! Does it bring anything new to the subgenre? Well...the demon is Jewish and it lives in a box.

She's kvetching

It's true! Divorced dad Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) stops at a yard sale and buys his daughters any old thing they want. Em (Natasha Calis) picks up a dybbuk box, which unbeknownst to everyone houses all sorts of demonic fuckery and oh my crap I'm just imagining a horror movie yard sale extravaganza featuring this box and the possessed floor lamp from Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes and why oh why hasn't there been an anthology film featuring a yard sale as the framing narrative? Or has there been? If so, tell me immediately. If not, get me Hollywood on Line 1 and let's get this shit made!

Anyway, oh. This movie. Well, it's fine. You know how it goes: Em gets really attached to the box and then starts acting out and then she really starts acting out and then she's possessed and then there's an exorcism and then the end. But did I mention it's Jewish? Yes. There's a delightful scene in which Clyde travels to the mysterious, far away, exotic land known as "Brooklyn" and gets out of his BMW only to find himself literally surrounded by, like, a hundred Hasidic fellows. Clyde stares in rapt wonder, like he's out on a fucking safari and he's stumbled across a herd of gazelles in a clearing or something, and it's hilarious.

While this different cultural angle is welcome, it's not really enough to elevate The Possession into the realm of must see. Although I like that the demon is treated as a tangible thing- it got out of its box, y'all gotta get it back in the box and oh my crap it's kind of like a Pokemon- the movie remains akin to, say, soggy Golden Grahams all swole-up with milk. Yes, I'll eat them, but they are not as satisfying as all the crunchy Golden Grahams that came before and perhaps my time would be better spent eating something else.

Now she's kvetching and verklempt

Like I said, it's all fine. There are a couple of inspired creepy moments. The final showcase showdown between the forces of good and evil aren't really anything you haven't seen before (albeit Jewish-ier)- I mean, there's even someone yelling "Take me, not her!" and all that, which...really? You're just going to straight-up ape The Exorcist like that, The Possession? For shame. For shame.

Several other reviews have touted the family dynamics at the heart of the film, how they really provide backbone and blah blah blah and while Clyde and Co are all perfectly lovely people...isn't nearly every possession flick a family drama at the core? A beloved family member (usually a female, what up with that) isn't quite acting herself and the rest of the relations must figure shit out and save her? Seems that way. Although, I suppose I shouldn't be so flip in the face of a wee bit of character development, lest all the other horror movies in pre-production hear me and think that such a thing doesn't matter. Because it does!

While The Possession certainly didn't thrill me, I did not hate it or even actively dislike it, I suppose...but that's just not good enough in this post-Exorcist world! The power of Pazuzu compels you to go big or go home and you, The Possession, need to be stuffed back into your Dybbuk box and...and...ugh why didn't this movie end with the Dybbuk box exploding like the possessed floor lamp did? Now that would have earned this flick a spot in the Demonic Hall of Fame for sure.

I Heart: The Amityville Horror

I came across a copy of John G. Jones's The Amityville Horror II in a bookstore the other day and I got excited in that bug-eyed, hand-clapping simpleton way I have. Somehow this book had escaped my notice for decades despite the fact that I consider myself to be an AmityManiac! Well, to clarify, I'm an AmityManiac who still hasn't seen all of the films, and who didn't know that there were so many goddamn books beyond the "classics" by Jay Anson and Hans Holzer. It's just that The Amityville Horror is as much a part of my formative years as Star Wars and comic books and Donna Summer records and KISS records that I can't help but get my simpleton on whenever 112 Ocean Avenue comes up.

112 Ocean Avenue. What other addresses do people actually know like that, beyond their own and grandma's? 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, maybe. I am just saying.

So, this book. I start flipping through it, giving it a read here and there, and I was shocked- shocked, I tell you- at how it read like fiction. I'm not talking about how "it reads like fiction" is used to compliment history books to reassure the masses that History Can Be Fun and Not Dry! (I made that slogan up, but if you run a history club or whatever you can use it.) (Oh, and a great example of a history book that "reads like fiction" is Erik Larson's Devil in the White City, great book, highly recommend, love you)...I mean that The Amityville Horror II reads like straight-up fiction, as if John G. Jones bent over and pulled the narrative right out of his ass.

I felt...confused. Was this book a work of fiction, further adding to the Amityville mythos? You know, like Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes and the possessed floor lamp (aka the greatest thing to ever grace a screen)? I took to the best source of information: Amazon reviews. There, I was reassured by a helpful reader. Let his (or her; "whytewolf" is a pretty gender-neutral screenname, I suppose) words ease your doubts as well:

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW SOME REVIEWS I HAVE READ,PEOPLE PUT THIS BOOK DOWN AND DEPLICTS THE WRONG INFORMATION ON ITS STORY. HERE IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT! IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT THE LUTZES HAUNTED ATTACKS. YES THERE IS ENOUGH HERE TO PLEASE YOU. BUT MORE ABOUT THE AFTERMATH TO THE STORY OF THEY'RE UNBILIEVABLE 28 DAYS IN 112 OCEAN AVE. THIS BOOK COVERS WHY GEORGE SOLD THE FAMILY BUISNES,HOW THE ATTACKS CONTINUED,WHY THEY MOVED AROUND SO MUCH,ALL THE HOWS AND WHYS CONCERNING THE BOOK BEING WRITTEN.HOW THEY FELT ABOUT THE NEGATIVE PRESS SURROUNDING THEM,THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF THEM TRYING TO ENSURE PEOPLE THE STORY IS TRUE! SO IT ABOUT HOW THEY HAVE HANDLED EVRYTHING AFTER THEY FLED 112 OCEAN AVE. TO CLEARIFY THEY'RE STORY BETTER! WHO HAS THE RIGHT TO DETERMIN IF THE STORY IS TRUE OR NOT, WE WE WERE NOT THERE. BESIDE IT DOES MAKE A GREAT HORROR STORY ANYHOW!

HERE IS WHAT IT IS ABOUT! indeed.

I know in my heart of hearts that all the Amityville hoo-ha is a crock of shit. I know this, but I choose to ignore this. Total case of willful ignorance. Does that make me a crazy person? I care not! For you see, the seeds of love were sown early and they were sown deep. And that sounded way dirtier than I intended.

Look, here's the thing. Anytime I have a rational thought regarding The Amityville Horror, such as "everything George and Kathy Lutz put forth as evidence of supernatural goings-on has been debunked or greatly obfuscated", I counter it with something like "But George and Kathy Lutz were so good-looking! In the movie! Good-looking people never lie!"

EVIDENCE IT'S ALL TRUE: look how beautiful George and Kathy Lutz are when they are portrayed by beautiful people James Brolin and Margot Kidder!

See what I mean? And every time I think some negative thought about it all, something along the lines of "Wait, so Jody the evil presence...was...a giant purple pig?", I banish such a thought with "The cover of Jay Anson's book said it was all true so it was ALL TRUE. And be honest, if you saw a giant purple pig with glowing red eyes, you would be scared shitless once you made sure it wasn't simply a side-effect of too many Motrin IBs."

And just like that, easy, breezy,  I choose to believe in The Amityville Horror because it's not simply a cinematic juggernaut (holy crapping crap, ten movies), it's become a part of American folklore, dammit. I choose to believe that the Lutzes weren't simply trying to cash-in on the tragedy that occurred in the house before they moved in. I choose to believe that it wasn't all a fabrication because if crazy wall-bleeding shit can happen at 112 Ocean Avenue, it can happen anywhere. Maybe your house has a red room in the basement. You just need to look harder.

Look in your heart.

(Clutching a copy of The Amityville Horror II, Final Girl is carried aloft by a billion teeming houseflies. You bellow "Get out!" after her, but it's too late. She's already gone.)

(Just kidding. I didn't buy the book, it's total crap.)

(But Amityville 5ever though.)

bonding over furniture

Sometimes you watch a movie and it's such a transcendent thing, it makes you feel so damn happy just to be alive. I AM SO HAPPY I EXIST, you might say, IF ONLY SO I CAN PARTAKE IN THIS FILM. You feel connected to humanity; you remember that we're all together in some way, struggling and thriving during our all-too-brief time on this planet. It's like the feeling embodied by that old Coke commercial; you know, the one about being a hippie and having communal carbonated beverage experiences.
This is how I suddenly find myself feeling about Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes. You know, the one about the evil, possessed floor lamp. I just love that someone came up with that ridiculous idea and wrote it down and passed it on. All the way down the line, people said AN EVIL, POSSESSED FLOOR LAMP? OKAY! to this idea, from the money men to Patty Duke to the TV stations that bought the rights to me and everyone else who bought the DVD or video or watched it on television. We all said YES to the evil floor lamp and cheered loudly when the evil floor lamp went over a cliff and exploded at the bottom.
An evil, possessed floor lamp! This, my friends, is life.

SHOCKtober: My Heart List

Who can get enough lists during SHOCKtober? Not any of us! By "any of us", mind you, I mean me.

Sure, I posted my Top 20 list several moons ago...but I've been thinking. It feels...insufficient or something, particularly after I posted Buzz's list and Amanda's list. My choices, while they truly are my favorite horror films, seem so staid. So typical! Halloween? The Exorcist? Bitch, please. Yes, I love them like I love...things I love, but even so, I can't fight this feeling of lack I've had since I wrote down numbers 1-20 in my wide-ruled spiral notebook. My list lacks! JA over at My New Plaid Pants knows of what I speak. So I figured- hey, I can either let this feeling continue to irritate me like an itch I can't scratch, or I can pull down my pants and scratch away. I say scratch away. Scratch away, one and all. Tomorrow we think of ointments and unguents and salves, but today, my friends, we scratch.

Mmm, that got weird. The point is, this new list! It's a list of movies I heart- movies that may not be are not good, but I heart them all the same. There's even a couple that I've seen but once and upon that once, I did not like the movie. Yet here they are, for reasons that are beyond me. I didn't like them, but now I think back on 'em and...well, they belong on this list. Life, she is mysterious! Okay, without further ado...because if there's one thing Final Girl needs this month, it's another fucking list!

As always, clickin' titles take you to reviews.


A Nightmare on Elm Street III: The Dream Warriors (1987, Chuck Russell)

I think the big secret of this movie is that it stinks, but we all pretend like it doesn't. Okay, it doesn't stink, but there's some corny-ass shit going on this movie- this cannot be denied, although we all pretend that it's not corny. That's totally okay, though, since the cornballs are all balanced out by some seriously creepy moments. Love.




Pieces (1982, Juan Piquer Simon)

I recently had the absolute pleasure of watching Pieces with someone who'd never seen it before, and lemme tell you- that's the way to see it! Unless you're the person who's never seen it, in which case I'll be right over with my copy. I want to be a Goodwill Ambassador who travels the globe clutching my battered Pieces tape, spreading gore and good cheer- not only so I can revel in the amazingness of this film, but so I can watch others revel in the "That doesn't make any sense!" of it all.



Killer Workout (1986, David A. Prior)

Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide, which is all sorts of title perfection) is a terrible, terrible film. I know, a slasher set in a health club seems like a can't-lose idea, but this movie proves it can lose. That is, it can lose its way right into my heart! Countless scenes (often repeated) of women shaking their lycra-covered parts, men who all look the same punching each other and running each other over with sports cars, club owner Rhonda sneering her way through life, tanning booth accidents, a soundtrack by Donna DeLory...Killer Workout has it all and then some. Part of that "then some" includes the picture of Marla Maples aerobicizing on the VHS tape cover. Delicious!

Shower of Blood (2004, Tiffany Kilbourne)

This abomination of a film features horrible acting, horrible writing, horrible foley work, the least sexy sex scene ever, computer graphics straight outta the Sega Saturn, and, in perhaps my favorite moment, the same model of Brother word processor I used in college masquerading as a 911 call center computer. It is...amazing. I adore this movie. Heidi Martinuzzi wrote a review for Pretty/Scary back in the day that will tell you everything you need to know so you don't actually have to sit through it, although you should because it kind of needs to be seen to be believed. Just don't see it alone! Not because it's so frightening, but because it's the type of misery that's best when shared. By the way, spoiler alert: Heidi will also be talking about this movie in her forthcoming Top 20 list.

Amityville IV: The Evil Escapes (1989, Sandor Stern)

AN EVIL FLOOR LAMP. THAT GOES OVER A CLIFF. AND EXPLODES. What more do you need to know? Take one part exploding evil floor lamp, add some Patty Duke-i-tude, and that, my friends, is a recipe for heaven.







Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008, James Nguyen)

Going to see Birdemic in a theater will provide you with one of the most fun experiences you will ever have, unless you're immune to the very notion of "fun" or "theaters" or "going". I am just saying. As bad as you think this movie will be? It will be worse.






Graduation Day (1981, Herb Freed)

You know, I really didn't like Graduation Day the one and only time I saw it...but then when I think back on it, I can't for the life of me remember why I didn't. Even reading my negative review- it just sounds awesome! I think back to the football-with-a-sword-attached, and what's not to love? I think back on the roller skating scene and how there weren't enough skates for everybody so some people essentially just ran around in a circle, and I want to give this movie a hug. Huh.



The Child (1977, Robert Voskanian)

Whenever The Child comes to mind, I hear the horrible, horrible dubbed voices of the movie in my head- in particular that of young Rosalie shouting "I don't have to tell you anything!" If you haven't seen this fim, then you probably won't care about that, but there you go. It's not an entirely uncreepy, ineffective film, but it's definitely a 12-pack of coulda beens. What it IS, however, is dementedly delightful.




Dolly Dearest (1991, Maria Lease)

Dolly Dearest is so good- like we'd expect anything less from a horror movie released in 1991. Chucky can go screw- DD is where it's at. Girl power! You know, I figure the offensive maid stereotype I employed in In Satan's Closet is okay because it's an homage to the offensive maid stereotype in Dolly Dearest (and Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell). Troof.





Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002, David Worth)

I admit: sometimes I think I'm falling out of love with Shark Attack 3. I KNOW, RIGHT? How could this be? I'll tell you how: it's because the first hour, if not more, is almost unwatchably dull. Seriously, it's really tough to get through. I introduce people to the film and I find myself saying "Just wait...just wait...JUST WAIT!" and finally the payoff is beyond worth it, but man. You can only take the first hour so many times before your eyes start to wander. Look, I'm just being honest here. I mean, it's here in my heart list and I think it always will be, but it might not have all of my heart anymore. We're just growing in different directions, which is no one's fault- or maybe it's Shark Attack 3's fault, because of that first hour. Keeping it real, that's what I do!

Face of Evil (1996, Mary Lambert)

In a word, I give this movie ten metaphorical boners up. It has everything I love: bodies in suitcases, made-for-TV-ness, Shawnee Smith in a Blossom-style '90s bowler hat, Perry King with an awful ponytail, deception, artists doing art, murder, Tracey Gold, Tracey Gold, and Tracey Gold. My one regret in life is that when I met Mary Lambert, I wasn't clutching my copy of this (WHICH I BOUGHT AT THE GROCERY STORE) for her to sign. NOTE TO SELF: Always carry Face of Evil with you.


Eyes of a Stranger (1981, Ken Wiederhorn)

From my review: "A tracksuited Lauren Tewes as that old slasher flick staple, the mouthy anchorwoman in peril? Jennifer Jason Leigh as a blind-deaf-mute? Head in a fishtank? 1981? Yes folks, Eyes of a Stranger has it all, including the best strip club routine EVAR." 'Nuff said.






The Manitou (1978, William Girdler)

My one regret in life is that I let someone borrow my DVD of The Manitou, and now I don't hang out with that person anymore, so basically I gave away my copy of The Manitou. Yeah, it's replaceable but picking up a new copy...ehhh, I fucking hate replacing stuff I used to have. When I get the urge to watch a naked Susan Strasberg shooting lasers from a hospital bed that's floating in space, I want to watch it now. Hold on to your copy of The Manitou and hold on to it tight!




Mausoleum (1983, Michael Dugan)

Corn teeth. Demon boobs. Unique weather systems. Marjoe fucking Gortner. La Wanda Page, who seems to think- or, perhaps was told- that she's in a comedy. Man, Mausoleum lives the kind of life that I want to lead!







Rumplestiltskin (1995, Mark Jones)

Now, I know I've mentioned my love for this movie pa-lenty of times here at Final Girl. It's currently available on Netflix streaming, and I know that some of you have checked it out because I've mentioned my love for it and now you're caught up in a web of what the fuckery because it sucks. It does suck, and please, bear in mind this warning: I know not from where my affections for this film arise. They cannot be explained. Believe me, I've tried math, physics, and even a course in the Psychology of Motivation & Emotion from Life University to solve the mystery, and it simply cannot be solved. A human centipede made of Jessica Fletcher, Columbo, and Encyclopedia Brown could not solve this mystery! Like time itself, it just is. Here's the deal: I really kind of hate Rumplestiltskin while I'm watching it because as I mentioned, it sucks. It's just bad. Okay, the scene with the remote-controlled car posing as a real car is awesome, but otherwise it's a terrible movie. Yet...and yet! As soon as it's over, I find myself thinking about how awesome it is and that I should watch it again, and if anyone should ask, I'll tell them it's the best movie ever. AND I'LL BELIEVE IT. So I watch it again, and I'm all, "This movie sucks! Except the RC car part." and the cycle continues. I'm experiencing a moment of clarity right now, so I'll tell you: Rumpleskin (typo that stays) sucks, please don't watch it. I also feel myself wanting to tell you, however, that it's the best movie ever...so run away now while you still can! You know how when you're playing Mass Effect and you're on Noveria and you fight Matriarch Benezia and she has that moment where she's all, "Wait, I'm not a total bitch! That was just because my mind is under the influence of Saren! Here's the info you need. I'm being helpful!" and Commander Shepard is like, "You're hurt! Come with us and we can save you!" and she goes, "No! My mind is not completely my own and it never will be again AND NOW I KILL YOU!" and you fight again? This is like that. My mind will never be completely my own again. RUMPLESTILTSKIN RULES!

Bug (1975, Jeannot Szwarc)

Carnivorous cockroaches who can fart fire and spell things. If you need any more than that, then you need HELP, friend.








Cathy's Curse (1977, Eddy Matalon)

Earlier today I decided that I kind of just want to watch Cathy's Curse every day forever and ever. I haven't started yet, but it's on my to-do list, for sure.

wastin' away again in Amityville

People, I have got a full onset of AMITYVILLE FEVER. Though far less socially conscious than Jungle Fever and far less painful than dengue fever, it's nothing to ignore! Please, try to treat me as you always have, for underneath it all I am still but a woman.

What brought on this affliction, you ask? Why, I'll tell you: last night I watched the 1989 made-for-TV movie Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes, and I just ain't been right since. Like I said, I gots da fever, and mama, I gots it bad.

My relationship with The Amityville Horror and its 10,000 sequels has, in the past, been all but non-existent. Sure, every once in a while I bust out the original flick and pop it in to relive my youth (when red-eyed purple pigs were scary and I slept with Jay Anson's book under my pillow) and also to relish my present (when Margot Kidder and I are best friends). I've seen a portion of Part 3 (sadly, not in 3-D), and a portion of Part 2; I don't know why I haven't seen all of 3, but I can sure as hell tell you why I haven't seen all of 2. Two words: Burt. Young. This may make me sound like a horrible person, but I don't care: I simply can't bear to watch him in anything. He's always greasy, he's always sweaty, he's always dirty, he's always wearing a dirty wife beater, and he looks like he smells like armpits and motor oil. I CANNOT STAND HIM.

There, I'm glad I finally got around to admitting that. I think it will really strengthen our relationship, don't you?

But anyway. The Evil Escapes is so fucking awesome that it's a new day for me and Amityville. There are so many more films in the series for me to check out, and I can't wait. There's a good chance none of them will live up to the glory and splendor of the fourth installment, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. As for you, my friends, I say unto thee: this movie is awesome and well worth your time. Behold:

In The Evil Escapes, the evil escapes by "transmigrating" into a hideous floor lamp after an exorcism. Someone buys the hideous floor lamp at a yard sale and packs it off to California where it makes with the havoc wreaking. Occasionally, a demon face appears in the floor lamp to remind us that it's not merely hideous- it's both hideous and hideously eeeevil.

Why would anyone want to buy items from the murderiffic-n-hellicious Amityville house? Whose belongings are they to begin with? Who gets the proceeds from the sale? These questions and many more go unanswered in Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes!

The eeeevil floor lamp causes all sorts of appliances to come on unexpectedly- a garbage disposal mangles someone's hand! An electric kettle burns someone's hand! And, in a scene that is sure to delight moviewatchers for generations to come, a chainsaw suddenly springs to life, causing hapless young David (who was oh-so-innocently holding it- sans power- and making "vroom vroom" noises) to lay waste to the basement, including gramma's beloved jelly jars.


Watch in delight as a sorta-possessed Jessica defends the eeeevil floorlamp from a priest! She levitates and giggles her way through the stabbings.

See, she thinks the floorlamp is...her dead dad. No, Jessica's not the brightest child. She is, however, played by Brandy Gold, which was shocking to me. I thought the Gold siblings stopped at Missy Gold of television's Benson and Tracey of television's Growing Pains (not to mention one of my favorite Lifetime movies, Midwest Obsession). It's true what they say: one lives, one learns.

As with all the greatest movies in the world, the action in Amityville 4 culminates with someone throwing a hideous floorlamp off a cliff where, upon impact with the rocky shore below, it explodes.


I know you're salivating over this film already, but allow me to add: the floorlamp can telepathically drive a van. Or is that telekinetically? Whichever it is, one thing's for sure: it's positively teletastic!

And then there's the ending, which is basically the feline version of the ending to Zoltan: Hound of Dracula. I'd post a screencap, but you should see it for yourself. I seriously, seriously hope part 5 picks up where this one left off.

Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes is fantastic made-for-TV junk, Patty Duke treats the material way too seriously, all the kids are tools, and it's as brainless as the premise promises. No wonder I'm in love!

Dr. Whimsy's patented Trick 'Em Toothpaste strikes again!