The Five Best Vampires

Lawd-a-lawdy, The Internet sure loves a list, don't it? And why not- they're easy to digest, like mashed potatoes. Who doesn't like mashed potatoes? Only jerks, no doubt. People also love getting incensed over lists: "I know this is a list of 10 zombie movies but I can't believe you left out these other 532986 zombie movies how could you you don't know what you're talking about this list sucks gfffarrrrgleeeeeee APOPLEXY"

Sometimes, when a person's blood is all fired up like that, he or she cannot understand that lists are generally meant to provoke conversation. Yes, if someone were to make a list of, say, the 20 most important slasher films and that list didn't include John Carpenter's Halloween, well, it would be right to question the exclusion and/or the sanity of the listmaker. In fact, that's exactly what I did many moons ago regarding a Top 10 Best Slasher Films list that included Cabin Fever. Final Girl was very young, and I was all "what in the what?" over it, all brazen brashness in a blazer (I WISH) as I took the mighty Kim Morgan to task over the inclusion of Eli Roth's film. What happened from there? She and I discussed that shit. In the years since (years, what the heck...Final Girl is a Final Woman now for sure), we have discussed much more. I discovered that although I disagree with her opinions once in a while, Kim Morgan knows her shit, I love her writing, and I'm always learning something new from her. My point is, lists! Debate! Learn! Grow! Hold hands and sway together, softly humming until you creep each other out.

Except this time.

That's right. My list of the Five Best Vampires is totally immutable! Why? Because it has been scientifically proven, in fact, to be a list of the Five Best Vampires.

Well, "scientifically proven" if you take my opinion as scientific fact, which you totally should.

Now then. You can just put away your debatin' hat and pull up your pants, my friends, because here it is, I'm layin' it down.

THE FIVE BEST VAMPIRES- in order!

1. All lesbian vampires (except for the ones in this movie)

2. Mr. Barlow or Nosferatu, aka any creepy gross-looking vampire

3. Christopher Lee as Dracula

4. The vampire puppy from the end of Zoltan, Hound of Dracula

5. Zoltan, Hound of Dracula

And that's it! I know, you're going to say "But what about the dirty vampires in Near Dark?" or "You asshole, why isn't Eli from Let the Right One In on this list?" or "Go kill yourself, loser, Gary Oldman as Dracula is the best, this list is so lame and I repeat: go kill yourself"...but hey, sorry, man. You can't fight science!

Film Club: Blood and Roses

As I watched my cruddy VHS copy of Blood and Roses, with its washed out colors and slight blur, I kept thinking what a marvel it would be to see the film all cleaned up, remastered, beautified, and restored to its rumored true run time of 87 minutes (versus the 74 minutes currently available). Why hasn't someone out there given the film the technological love it deserves? Isn't there some sort of Lesbian Vampire Historical Preservation Society in existence? If not, then I declare that there is now. I also nominate myself for President. I also second the nomination. The nomination is passed. Now please help yourself to juice and cookies.

Roger Vadim's 1960 take on Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla predates more famous interpretations of the story, such as Hammer's Karnstein Trilogy and The Blood-Spattered Bride; though it's not as salacious or bloody as some of those later sapphic vampire tales, it remains a bastion of eroticism and romance.

That's right...I said a bastion. As President of the Lesbian Vampire Historical Preservation Society, I take this all very seriously.

Poor Carmilla, a woman-child who knows little of life outside of her wealthy family's sprawling estate. Petulant about the impending marriage of her cousin Leopoldo De Karnstein, with whom she's in love, Carmilla gets in moods (you know how women be) and attempts to frighten Leopoldo's fiancee Georgia with tales of the Karnstein's good ol' days as vampires. To everyone's surprise, Georgia (Elsa Martinelli) finds the stories thrilling.

During an engagement celebration, a fireworks display in the estate's abbey ignites forgotten war munitions...and perhaps releases the spirit of the long-dead Millarca Karnstein, the family's last vampire. Carmilla (Annette Vadim) finds herself inexplicably drawn to the crypt, and before you can say "Millarca, thou art loosed!", Carmilla takes her ancestor's essence into her and it settles there like asbestosis. But sexier!

I mean look at this picture quality! It's a CRIME, I tells ya.

Soon, Carmilla's presence causes horses to cower in fear and pretty young maids to run in...well, fear. She needs blood to satisfy her hunger, of course, but what of Carmilla/Millarca's hunger for love? Her eyes remain fixed on the prize of Leopoldo (Mel Ferrer), but she's also undeniably drawn to Georgia- though whether as obstacle or object of desire is unknown. Perhaps both.

Georgia, too, finds herself drawn to her future cousin-in-law. Hiding from a rainstorm in a greenhouse, there's a sexually charged "Let me get that blood off your lip with a kiss" kiss that causes Georgia to sort of go "Oh...OH.", as those types of kisses often do.

When Carmilla finally seduces Georgia, Blood and Roses veers into surrealism as both women enter Georgia's dreamy nightmare or nightmarish dream or what have you. It's an unexpected sequence, but the hallucinogenic imagery is creepy and fantastic, all reds splashed against black and white.

It goes without saying, but again- this film really needs to be remastered.


So, in the end, has Carmilla really become Millarca, or is she simply cuckoo for cousin puffs and acts in bitey ways out of depression? Leopoldo feels one way about it and Georgia decidedly feels another. As President of the Lesbian Vampire Historical Preservation Society, however, I would have to say it's the former. Besides, that's the sexier answer, no?

Film Club Coolies!
-----------------------------
A Great Disturbance in the Farce
Don't Make Me Ang Lee
I Will Devour Your Content
Maynard Morrisey's Horror Movie Diary
Soresport Movies
Things That Don't Suck
The Agitation of the Mind
The United Provinces of Ivanlandia
Acidemic - Film
nijomu
Film Shuffle
The Montana Mancave Massacre
Musings & Meditations
Horror, Gore and More
Brutally Violent & Wonderful
Greetings from Movie City...

yon Film Club calleth

So there I was, browsing through the Netflix Instant Watch selections, a-wonderin' what the next selection will be. I was all "Hmm, what will the next selecti--OH MY GOD BLOOD AND ROSES."

Roger Vadim's 1960 lesbian vampire film is on Netflix Instant Watch. Roger Vadim's 1960 lesbian vampire film is the next Final Girl Film Club pick.


The movie: Blood and Roses (1960)
The due date: Tuesday, March 22
What you do:

1. Review the movie on your site. Add a link to Final Girl in there somewhere. If you've reviewed the film before, that's fine- but you must retrofit your review with a link to FG to be included in my round-up.
2. Email your link to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com. Put 'film club' or some such in the subject line.
3. Bask in the warm, glowing, warming glow of Film Club Day. Easy, breezy, et cetera et cetera.
   
   

Oh, and if you want to look extra cool whilst watching and/or writing about the Film Club selection, you're in luck! By popular demand (i.e., I wanted one), my Final Girl Shop now has FGFC mugs and shirts of all varieties. Said mugs and shirts of all varieties have this on 'em:


Is the zombie waving or attacking? Only time will tell.

Father Was a Dracula

Dracula's Daughter (1936) was produced by Universal Studios as a sequel to their smash hit Dracula, featuring Bela Lugosi as the titular bloodsucker. Despite its ties to Dracula and its tenuous basis in Bram Stoker's short story "Dracula's Guest", Dracula's Daughter is perhaps best known as the first lesbian vampire film.

Gloria Holden stars as Countess Marya Zaleska, who claims to be...you know, the daughter of Count Dracula. When she learns that Professor Van Helsing (Edward Van Sloan) has slain her vampire father, Marya is relieved- she's convinced that his death will mean her release from her insatiable bloodlust. She steals his body from the local morgue and burns it, thrilled at the prospect of being "free forever" and finally able to "live as a woman in the world of the living". Her manservant Sandor (Irving Pichel), however, convinces her that she will never be free from the curse; soon Zaleska prowls the dark streets of London once more, in search of victims. As her hope turns to despair, the Countess seeks the aid of psychiatrist Jeffrey Garth (Otto Kruger) as attempts to pit "the strength of the human mind against the power of darkness".

These obsessive desires of Zaleska can be viewed as veiled references to any number of things, including drug use and, yes, homosexuality. While Universal apparently acknowledged the hints of lesbianism (and even banked on it in the film's marketing campaigns- "Save the women of London from Dracula's Daughter!"), they are only that- hints. They're extremely subtle hints you have to keep your eyes peeled for as you bear in mind the period in which the film was made. There's no touching in the film- hell, Zaleska never bares fangs and any biting, if in fact there actually is any, occurs off-screen. The scene with the heaviest indicators occurs when the Countess brings a young girl, Lili (Nan Grey), back to her studio to "model" for a painting. Lili drops the shoulders of her dress as Marya attempts to bewitch her with her patented soulful gaze / sparkling ring combo; Lili grows uncomfortable and attempts to flee, but her fate has been sealed. Is she genuinely taken with Lili, or is she just a hungry vampire? After all, she also "seduces" male victims the same way. In a later scene, Zaleska almost puts the bite on Dr. Garth's assistant Janet (Marguerite Churchill), whom she's kidnapped- and who, it should be noted, does NOT willingly succumb to the Countess's charms. Zaleska slowly...slowly...SLOWLY inches closer to Janet's neck, but she's interrupted before there's any contact by the arrival of Garth who, incidentally, is the one the Countess longs to be with for eternity. This desire, however, is borne of a "cure me or be stuck with me forever" attitude rather than the experience of true love. So. Lesbian subtext? Sure, it's there if you're looking for it- which, umm, I suppose is why it's called "subtext". It's also more negative than it is steamy- don't forget, Zaleska needs to be cured of her "affliction".

Even if it weren't a film that provokes speculation and discussion, Dracula's Daughter would still be an enjoyable example of Universal's gothic horror. The streets of London are all cobblestones and shadows, while Zaleska's haunt is all shadows and cobwebs. Gloria Holden is appropriately mesmerizing as the Countess- her reluctance to play a role she feared would hinder her burgeoning career (as Lugosi complained of Dracula) informs her performance with a haughty discomfort that relays Zaleska's discomfort well. There's an ample amount of comic relief in the film, particularly early on when some cowardly cops have to deal with the bodies of Renfield and Dracula.

There's a terrific article and analysis of the film over at And You Call Yourself a Scientist!, which is where I got most of these awesome screencaps. Hat tip for the post title to Adam Ross of the late DVD Panache.

A Waste of Time

I spent about 77 minutes of my life watching the lesbian-ish vampires-in-a-brothel flick A Feast of Flesh and I really feel like...that's enough. That's all I have to give to it. I don't even want to spend 77 seconds reviewing it, so I have chosen two screencaps which I feel will sum up my miserable experience whilst saving me precious moments that would be better spent doing something else entirely, like perhaps punching myself in the face repeatedly.

1) The distributor's disclaimer. For fuck's sake, the least you can do is use spellcheck.


2) The lady victim here is supposed to be a) dead and b) tied to the bed. The filmmakers have avoided the question "How do you tie someone to the headboard, exactly?" by not tying her wrist at all.

There. I just saved you 77 painful minutes. The things I do for you kids, I swear!

when the impossible becomes possible

I was recently playing a video game (shocking) wherein one character says to another, "Many things are impossible until they are done." I didn't understand this sentiment truly until I watched the 1996 disasterpiece Caress of the Vampire. See, I thought it impossible to screw up the simple premise "lesbian vampires from outer space", but director Frank Terranova has gone and done exactly that, proving me at least 150% wrong. Caress of the Vampire is a complete failure in every single way- it's not so much a movie you watch as it is a movie that happens to you. I say this despite the fact that it stars the prettiest strippers in all of Glenwood, New Jersey!

After a few minutes of credits over Windows 3.1 Starfield screensaver, we are treated to a chilling Star Wars-esque opening...well, it doesn't crawl, exactly, but the words are there and as I said, they're chilling.




I know what you're thinking: why is "ago" capitalized? I'll tell you now- you need to let that go, because you'll never find out.

The most seductive force in the universe comes to Earth via some decidedly made by a student enrolled in their first semester of DeVry's computer graphics program effects. Mind you, I'm not saying this is bad- if anything, the spaceship certainly raised my anticipation of the story that was about to unfold.


We are never told that said unfolding story takes place in the present day; therefore, we can only assume that it takes place "Long Ago". If that's the case, then it turns out that "Long Ago" looks just like New Jersey circa 1996. I knew it!

A leather-clad lady strolls innocently down a boulevard one fine evening. As her constitutional ends and she's about to climb into her Trans-Am, she's accosted by a couple of ne'er-do-wells. Little do the hooligans know that they're messing with the wrong leather-clad lady...she's no innocent- she's a vampire!


I know what you're thinking: why would an alien have a tongue piercing? I'll tell you now- you need to let that go, because you'll never find out.

Cut to: a bedroom! Leather and another woman wear thongs and show some boobs (their own boobs- it's not, like, a demonstration) as they crawl around on a bed. I guess this is...sexy? Actually, everything about the scene- from the bedroom that's just so obviously someone's bedroom to the completely inappropriate action-flavored music- renders it all the polar opposite of sexy. The women are supposed to be lovers, but the actresses don't seem to feel comfortable actually touching one another- they sort of circle each other, roll around, rub each others arms, and come super close to kissing without, you know, kissing. Eh, maybe Caress of the Vampire takes the word "caress" very seriously- or maybe things will heat up later! [SPOILER: things don't heat up later]

After they're done rolling around, Leather and Other One stand at the window to spy on their new neighbor, whom I shall call Plaid. This is the best I can do, for none of the characters have names. It's not just that I don't feel like remembering their names- it's that no one in the movie has a name. Hell, when all is said and done, Other One doesn't even speak...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Apparently Leather and Other One find Plaid's stretch pants, plaid shirt, and top-knot very enticing. They...stare at her as she unpacks her groceries, which makes Plaid's kitchen get all negative-looking.


I know what you're thinking: why do the aliens need a calendar? I'll tell you now- you need to let that go, because you'll never find out.

The stare of the outer-space lesbians induces a sudden wave of total horniness in Plaid, which, as you may have guessed, causes her to immediately masturbate. Well, she doesn't masturbate, exactly...she does this, which is...is...okay, I don't know what the fuck she's doing.

Finally Plaid is released from the spell and she goes back to her chores none the wiser- which can only mean one thing...it's time for dialogue!

Leather is clearly smitten with Plaid, for she heads over to introduce herself. She puts Plaid under another spell and sort of...gropes her briefly. Plaid snaps out of it and immediately invites Leather to dinner the next night.

As Plaid is chopping carrots for the salad, she cuts her finger. This is to be expected, as the vampire can't resist the drop of blood and must show their true nature scene dates back to the days of Bram Stoker. Leather can't resist the blood and promptly begins sucking on Plaid's finger and says, "I'm used to blood- I used to be a nurse." Now, I've never gone to the emergency room while bleeding, so I don't know...maybe this is standard procedure for the treatment of cuts. One thing's for sure- it's sexy!

Wait, I mean it's nauseating.

Meanwhile, next door...or...somewhere, Other One is giving some dude a lap dance. Who is he? We don't know. There's no conversation. Why does this guy assume the standard strip club you no touch the dancer position while he's sitting on a couch in someone's home? We don't know. Other One takes off her dress to reveal an uncomfortable-looking outfit composed of straps, she gives him a lap dance, bites him, the end.

Meanwhile, a couple of homicide detectives are looking into the series of apparent "vampire murders". They catch a break when surveillance video of that first murder- you know, the one by the Trans-Am- is discovered. Here's a still from said video:

Yes, it seems that we were actually watching the scene unfold through the surveillance camera! Frank Terranova certainly toys with our notions of reality.

At any rate, we're treated to more rolling around by Leather and Other One.



Leather has invited Plaid to an after hours club. When it's time to leave, however, Leather decides she doesn't want to go- she'd much rather stay on the couch and grope Plaid's Kmart-bought breast implants.

The homicide cops go on a stakeout at the parking lot they saw in the surveillance video. Lucky for them, Leather is once again just a-strollin' down the boulevard; of course, this is just recycled footage from the beginning of the movie. See, Frank Terranova really does toy with our notions of reality and time!

The cops follow Leather to her home. They enter her basement and find some fruit punch blood in a Rubbermaid thermos. They go back outside just in time to see the garage door open and the spaceship zip off into the stars.

I know what you're thinking: what about Plaid? Well, finally my friends, we've got a question that can be answered. You see, Plaid is now a vampire! Gone is the top-knot! Present is the cleavage! Present are the fangs!

She introduces herself to her neighbor, who seems rather pleasant and has exquisite taste in art. Thus, the cycle continues here on Earth, while we can only assume that Leather and Other One have gone to some other planet to pursue their penchant for rolling around.

The best thing I can say about Caress of the Vampire is that it's mercifully short, clocking in at about 44 minutes. I've never seen a film with less plot, and I've certainly never seen a film featuring characters that don't even warrant names. What little dialogue there is between the women is atrociously dubbed, while three music tracks are constantly recycled throughout. If you're thinking there's at least some decent softcore action here- a natural assumption given the whole strippers as lesbian vampires angle, then you're thinking wrong, friendo. There's more eroticism to be found in a commercial for the Shake Weight.

Unless...wait! Maybe I'm under some sort of spell and Caress of the Vampire is actually awesome! Maybe it is impossible to make a terrible movie about lesbian vampires from outer space! I do seem to have a sudden urge to go climb atop my kitchen counter and...do whatever it was Plaid was doing...

lame in a negligée

Though I try my best to maintain a positive outlook when it comes to horror movies, I have to say that I wasn't terribly excited for Life Blood (aka Pearblossom, aka Murder World, 2009). Mind you, I say this despite the fact that it's a movie about lesbian vampires. I know, right?! It's like not getting excited about a pizza that's on its way to your mouth, or the finale of Season 2 of Dallas, wherein Sue Ellen bribes a nurse to get some booze, escapes the sanitarium, drives drunk, and crashes her car, endangering her life and the life of her unborn child which may or may not be J.R.'s. In other words, it's blasphemy.

But! Excited I was not. I don't know, there's something about modern lesbian vampire movies that makes them so...modern. It's just me being the cranky old woman who frightens the neighborhood children to the point where they dare each other to run up to her door and knock, but I tend to like my lesbian vampires vintage style: all Hammered out, if you will. I mean Hammer of the production company variety, not the MC variety...but I'm sure you knew that. Anyway, what I mean is, I like the gothic and the flounce and the castles and yes, the blood. As "scandalous" as lesbian vampires are, you see, they're erotic- and I think that's what's missing from the modern incarnations. The modern incarnations I've seen, anyway. But then, I'm old and cranky.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? I don't even know anymore. Something about Life Blood...hmm.

It's New Year's Eve, 1968. Total lesbians Rhea and Brooke (Anya Lahiri and Sophie Monk) leave a party after Brooke kind of sort of stabs a guy in the neck 87 times. See, he was probably going to rape this girl (Scout Taylor-Compton) and when Brooke walked in, he got all mouthy. She had no choice!

As they drive off into the Joshua Tree-dotted desert, Brooke continues her death rampage by accidentally running over a possum. Rhea demands she pull over because she totally can't take anymore killing- not tonight! Not on New Year's! Brooke complies and after they get out of the car, a CGI black hole appears in the night sky. The CGI black hole turns into a CGI dust storm. Out of the dust storm walks a woman wearing naught but a sheer negligée.

This woman, apparently, is God.

God makes out with Rhea and informs her that she created the Great Flood way back when because she was so angry at mankind's evil ways...well, it wasn't enough! Mankind is still evil, so God has chosen this pure and innocent lesbian to be reborn as a vampire who will then rid the world of evil and even though Brooke is neither pure nor innocent (what, with the murder and all) she can become a vampire too and I can't believe I'm typing all this and that it's actually the premise of the film and why the eff would God create VAMPIRES to do her dirty work when it's such an inefficient method gdufduf;asodfiycoiyhhhhhhhhhhhh

So, Rhea and Brooke somehow end up buried out in the desert. They're birthed out of the dirt 40 years later, wearing naught but negligées and lip gloss.

Then, I swear to Charles Nelson Reilly, they hole up in a gas station called "Murder World" (seems a likely business name) for 75 minutes. Brooke loves killing and bites a few people, Rhea insists that they use their powers for the good that God intended, they fight, and I wonder why I'm wasting my time on a movie that doesn't fucking GO ANYWHERE. Not even a bit part by Charles effin' Napier was enough to save Life Blood from the horrible, horrible, kill it with fire pile.

I feel your pain, Scout Taylor-Compton

It just...none of it made sense. Maybe...maybe...MAYBE there's an interesting kernel of plot or premise in there somewhere, the whole "God's Avengers" angle or the "God's Avenger gone bad" angle. I'll be generous enough to say that, but for fuck's sake if that kernel was, in fact, present, then it was completely wasted. There are countless scenes that are completely unnecessary...so many that the entire affair ends up feeling unnecessary. The movie is a (CGI) total black hole, sucking in your time and energy...and unfortunately, when it's over no negligée-wearing God-broad is going to emerge from that black hole to make out with you. You'll be left shaking your head at the most anti-climactic climax in the history of forever and ever and if you're me, you'll be wondering why you didn't just watch Vampyres again instead of this crappy crap.

Is there anything in the world more disappointing than a bad lesbian vampire movie? They should make your life full of joy and light, like the laughter of a baby. By the time Brooke snarls "I am Murder World!" you'll think you'll never know what it is to feel joy or light or laughter again. Stay away! You'd be better off burying yourself in the desert for 40 years, even if a lip gloss-tastic reemergence isn't guaranteed.

taste of DVD, taste of...DVD

Hey, people. This is just to let you know that Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear, my lesbian vampire short film, is no longer a pre-order: it's officially an order. Wow! It's five bucks plus $2.95 shipping. It's got a commentary track and this spiffy cover:

Damn straight the back cover is an homage to Warner Home Video! That's how we do it at Team Final Girl.

Anyway, if you want one, just click this magic button.

Okay, it's not a magic button. But still.

a happy day...

...full of happiness. Not like stupid ol' yesterday with its swear word this and its this sucks that. No, my friends, today is about things that are both fresh and exciting- you know, like that Kool & the Gang song "Joanna".

Did you know that Kool & the Gang formed up in 1964? That's so much earlier than I thought. I think their first hit was "Jungle Boogie", which came along in the early 70s...but their REAL mainstream success happened in the 80s, about 20 years after they started. Let Kool & the Gang guide you! Don't give up on your dreams! Show, as they did, what people who like to make up words might call "stick-toit-iveness".

Wow, that last paragraph was very American Psycho of me.

Anyway. Some things!

Thing the first: Because I really don't have enough going on every day, I just relaunched Toosday Toons over yonder at AfterEllen.com. For those of you who have known me for years, I think this marks Toosday Toons v4.0. Every time I think I'm out, et cetera et cetera something something obligatory Godfather III joke. As the title may imply, new strips will appear at AfterEllen on Tuesdays.


Thing the second: Mr. Eric Spudic of Spudic's Movie Empire has initiated a fundraising campaign to pay for radio advertising. Check it out! Or if you're in the Los Angeles area, stop by his store. Or if you're not in the Los Angeles area, check out his site and special order some goodies. It's a good old-fashioned movie store made for browsing and lovers of trash like myself. A gold mine, I tells ya!

Thing the third: The Viscera 2008-2009 DVD is finally on sale! Head over to The Chainsaw Mafia and nab yerself a copy. It's got my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear on it, as well as Lip Stick, one of the films Shannon Lark and I made together. There's also a bunch of other shorts made by a bunch other awesome women. Blam!


Thing the fourth: Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is now available for pre-order! Yes, you can get a copy of my lesbian vampire fashion doll "epic" to clutch to your very own bosoms. Thanks to the magic of my pal Andrew of Gonzoriffic, the DVD features both the film and a director's commentary track. Since I am the director, it would be safe to assume that the commentary track features me. It's only $5 plus shipping! It's a DVD-R, but it's got a fancy cover and a standard DVD case, totally safe for bosom-clutching. I'm going to try to put up a Paypal button now that will allow you to order directly. Let's see how this goes...I hope this button is gentle. It's my first time!

Thing the fifth: Thanks to everyone who watched the first episode of my new web show Space Girls. I'm hard at work on the second episode, and I promise some very cool guest stars are coming in future installments!
Thing the sixth: The Scare-ening is on tomorror night at 8pm PST. Tune in and listen! Or don't.

Thing the seventh: I swear I'm going to have a review up here tomorrow, even if it's the last thing I ever do. I hope it's not the last thing I ever do, but if it is, remember: YOU are my favorite reader!

"Everybody must die!"

Mmm, there's nothing quite like a Hammer film from the studio's prime- particularly their vampire movies. Particularly particularly their lesbian vampire movies: all flowy, diaphanous gowns, ruffled collars, misty graveyards, heaving bosoms, and fangs fangs fangs. In 1970, director Roy Ward Baker brought the world The Vampire Lovers, the first film in what would become known as The Karnstein Trilogy. As horror films moved into the age of grindhouse cinema, Hammer tried to keep up by upping the more salacious aspects of their films. Though it may seem rather tame by current standards (these kids today, I swear), The Vampire Lovers was daring in its portrayal of lesbian lust and bare breasts, providing some of the most explicit scenes in any English-language film for the time.

The Vampire Lovers is, as you might expect, based on J. Sheridan Le Fanu's novella Carmilla; sure, practically every lesbian vampire movie says it's based on Carmilla, but The Vampire Lovers keeps close to the source material.

There's not to the film much in terms of plot: the Karnsteins were a wicked wicked vampire family, and they've been wiped out, save Marcilla. Err, Mircalla. Make that Carmilla. At any rate, it's Ingrid fucking Pitt, and she likes pretty young things. With the help of her "Aunt", the mysterious Countess (Dawn Addams), Carmilla ends up staying with the families of these innocent lasses; inevitably, the girls become infatuated with Carmilla. As their infatuations grow, however, they become weaker and weaker. Before long, the girls are dead and Carmilla/Marcilla/Mircalla is long gone.


There are a few concepts at work that set The Vampire Lover apart from its fellow lesbian vampire flicks. First, there's that moniker, "lesbian vampire"- though that's the familiar term for the subgenre, it's actually quite rare when the vampire in question is actually a lesbian. For the sake of, perhaps, palatability with mainstream audiences, the women are often bisexual- particularly in films from decades ago. Pitt's Carmilla, however, strictly joneses for the ladies, a remarkably progressive idea in 1970. She fake-out seduces a few men with kisses, only to kill them quickly so they're out of her way...but she falls in love- and in bed- with the girls.

Yes, Carmilla falls in love! There are more than a few unexplained concepts at work in The Vampire Lovers (for example, who the hell is the laughing vampire on horseback?), but Carmilla's motivations are clear: when she falls for a lady, she wants to be with her forever. Unfortunately, she's one of the undead and therefore destroys the very things she loves when she gives in to her primal urges. She slowly drains the life from her beloved until they've passed and she's forced to find a new family and a new victim. Silly Carmilla, a happily-ever-after is rare for the cinematic lesbian- and it's never in the cards for a lesbian vampire. Sad, sad. She just wants love! She can't help it that she gets bite-crazy.

As this is a Hammer Studios vampire film, you'd be right to expect that the bloodsucker's reign of terror is brought to an end by Peter Cushing. Here, he's no Van Helsing, though- he's General von Spielsdorf, and he seeks to avenge his daughter Laura, who died after falling under "Marcilla"'s spell (and teeth).


There's far more romance than horror at work in The Vampire Lovers, and that's just fine- again, this is primo Hammer output, more old country vampire vibe than anything else. Mind you, I dig that sort of thing, movies that feature superstitious villagers clutching bouquets of garlic flowers and making the sign of the cross. Still, Roy Ward Baker knows how to squeeze every drop of atmosphere out of the lush country settings, and he doesn't skimp on the fang-baring. Or the breast-baring, if that matters to you. One of my favorite shots in the film is this, which is oh-so-very Nosferatu.

You know, even if I wanted to become a lesbian vampire later in life (or...unlife or afterlife or whatever), Carmilla/Mircalla/Marcilla has taught me that I'd need a better name than "Stacie". First of all, it's not very old world seductive. Second, how many alias anagrams can I get out of that? Cietas? Tascie? No right-minded young lass or kind-hearted Generals would fall for those!