VHS Week, Day 3: Demon of Paradise

As you may have noticed, I review a lot of movies here at Final Girl. Some of these movies are made of awesome, some are made of lame...this is to be expected. You take the good, you take the bad...you take them both and there, my friends, you have the facts of life. It's a rare film that crosses my path, however, that is so bad that I want to go back in time and stop myself from pushing play on the VCR. Even more rare is the film that makes me want to go back in time and stop myself from seeing the movie on the shelf...or further back in time so I can stop the filmmakers from beginning production. Or even further back so I can prevent the filmmakers' parents from having "intimate" "relations" so I can ensure the film will never get made.

This is how I feel about the 1987 Creature from the Black Lagoon wannabe Demon of Paradise.


Blah blah blah legend of prehistoric underwater lizard-man Akua blah blah oh no, he's really real blah blah blah let's follow the standard animal attack movie formula: we can't cancel the annual Parade Festival blah blah blah the scienceologist will save the day blah blah fucking blah.

Trust me, that description is way more exciting than what happens on screen. What happens on screen? NOTHING. So much nothing that when I looked over at one point and my viewing pals were asleep, I thought that maybe I was actually the one who fell asleep and I was having the most boring dream ever dreamed.

Let's take a look at some of the things I wrote whilst taking notes for this review:

• Reporter = die, please
• nothing happens. nothing happens some more. badly acted nothings happen.
• music = horrendous, always inappropriate
• more nothing happening = kill myself
• testing my resolve as a human being to overcome adversity and boredom
• why won't it end?
• hell = this
• when will it end?
• PLEASE END

Finally, it did end and I was left feeling like I'd just completed ten tours of 'Nam. Demon of Paradise was so bad then when the credits finally rolled I nearly went apoplectic, ranting and flipping it off so hard I'm surprised my middle finger didn't explode. There's no doubt that in those few moments, I could have legally been deemed a fire hazard- such was the white-hot intensity of my rage. I'm only shocked that lasers didn't shoot out of my eyeballs.

Oh, how Demon of Paradise angried up my blood! Why did Satan himself have to shit this movie into existence? Why did I have to see it in the 3-for-$5 bin at Video Hut? Why did the filmmakers not realize that a man in a rubber suit popping up out of the water every once in a while to wave at people off camera does not induce terror? Why did it have to be so boring that I couldn't even laugh at the waving monster?

Clearly, Demon of Paradise hates me as much as I hate it.

Originally, I didn't even want to bring the tape home with me: I really, really don't want this movie in my house. Since last night, however, I've reconsidered that stance and I think some good may actually come from this steaming pile of dook.

Some outreach program should take Demon of Paradise to all the Ebola clinics of the world and show one-minute clips to patients. Then they can say "See, Ebola patient? Your internal organs are liquifying and your face is being eaten away, but at least you don't have to endure the other 86 minutes of Demon in Paradise!", to which the Ebola sufferers will say "Hooray! I may have Ebola, but clearly my life could be a lot worse!"

The Wednesday Something Something

Big stuff...big stuff aujourd'hui, mes amis. BIG STUFF I SAY. You know the drill:

Over yonder at AMC, I talk a bit about what makes a scary mask a scary mask and not...uh, an unscary mask, I guess. If you'd like to see some unscary stuff, check out Ye Olde Final Girl Hall of Infamy. Oh Gene Shalit, how I adore thee.

Episode 3 of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb is up and at 'em! Check it out, they made me a fancy graphic:

Pretty nice, n'est-ce pas? This week's episode is a real doozy. Tune in as everyone's favorite Guinevere, Guinevere Turner, discovers...Who's Been in the Herb Garden?

Now, perhaps the biggest news of all! Fangoria is hitting Secaucus, New Jersey on June 20-22 for yet another Weekend of Horrors and I, yes I, have 4, yes 4, one-day passes to giveaway to you, yes you! Check out the guest list and if it strikes your fancy, enter my big Fangoria Ticket giveaway. Send me an email: stacieponder at gmail dot com by midnight, June 14 with FANGO in the subject line. Winners will be drawn completely at random, but feel free to send cookies anyway. See how much I care?

In other news...

it's that day

Dear y'all,

Today's the day that seems to divide people even more than such hot button topics as gun control or the episode of The Facts of Life where Natalie lost her virginity: yes, it's Valentine's Day. People who hate it seem to want February 14th to disappear from the calendar completely in a mushroom cloud explosion of hate and pain, while people who love it want every day to be Valentine's Day. They also maybe want a Journey Heart Pendant, available at your local Zales for under $200.

NOTE: Should anyone ever get me anything so hideously retarded as a Journey Heart Pendant from my local Zales for Valentine's Day or, for that matter, any other day, I would...I would...I would be so mortified and angry that I would figure out a way to somehow become temporarily Sicilian so I could put a hex to end all fucking hexes on whoever gave me the thing to begin with.

Yes yes, it's the thought that counts...which is exactly why such a vehement reaction would be necessary.

Dammit! There goes all my Zales advertising dollars.

Anyway, I don't know what the point of all this is. If you like Valentine's Day, good for you. I hope you have a lovely time. If you loathe it, okay. Don't worry, it'll all be over soon.

Am I trite enough to watch My Bloody Valentine at some point today? Why yes...yes, I am. It's a great fucking movie. Am I lazy enough to simply repost the screencaps I used last year? Why yes...yes, I am. Happy V-Day, my babies!

Hello, Dolly! - Day 4

Before the FBI "don't steal" warning was finished rolling on my video of Pinocchio's Revenge (1996)- yes, I said video- I found myself deep in thought about how the word "revenge" automatically makes a movie something I want to see. Though I don't consider myself to be a particularly vengeful person, there's just something about that word, a je ne sais quoi, if you will, that piques my interest. Take, for example, The Facts of Life Goes to Paris. Now, you might not want to touch that film with ten foot...umm...eyeballs. But what if that title were instead The Facts of Life Goes to Paris: Natalie's Revenge? What if the sequel was dubbed The Facts of Life Goes to Paris 2: The Revenge of Edna Garrett? Tell me you wouldn't be all over that shit. You know you would! I'm telling you, it's irrefutable: revenge makes any movie more interesting. I don't even care if there's actually any...revengening taking place in the film- if the word is in the title, then the movie is awesome and that's that. Not interested in Jane Eyre? Who can blame you, what with all the "governess this" and "I heart Mr Rochester" that...but call it "The Revenge of Mad Bertha Mason" and it sounds exciting! You feel me?

By the time I snapped out of my reverie, I realized that I'd missed the first ten minutes or so of Pinocchio's Revenge and I had to rewind. What can I say? I am but a humble philosopher.

A long time ago (5 years) in a galaxy far, far away (Florida), a man is stopped by police as he buries a child and a mysterious package in the woods during a rainstorm. The movie promptly cuts to the present day and we learn that the man, "local wood sculptor and accused serial killer" Vincent Gotto (Lewis Van Bergen), is on death row: the body he was burying was that of his son, and the mysterious package contained a large Pinocchio puppet. His attorney, Jennifer Garrick (Rosalind Allen), is convinced he's not a serial killer and she fights to keep him alive...but it turns out that she's a single mother, so what does she know? Gotto, however, just wants to be put to death for killing his son. Eventually he gets his way and takes a trip to visit Ol' Sparky, and the Pinocchio doll ends up going home with Jennifer.

"Say what?"

Jennifer's young daughter Zoe (Brittany Alyse Smith) gets into a fight at school and pulls a Mike Tyson on the other girl: she chomps on her frickin' ear! Clearly, Jennifer is a failure as both an attorney and a mother- see, this is what happens when women divorce. Zoe is only grounded until her birthday, however, and then it's party time! When Zoe's real present fails to show up on time (Jesus, can't single mothers do anything right?), Jennifer gives her daughter the Pinocchio doll- but only temporarily, since, you know, it belonged to a serial killer and all that. Once the girl gets attached to her new toy, mom will take it away. Seems like a great plan!

And boy oh boy, do Zoe and Pinocchio get attached! Maybe I'm reading too much into things, or maybe writer/director Kevin Tenney meant for things to take a disturbing turn, who can say? But when Zoe lies in bed listening to her mother and her mother's boyfriend David (Todd Allen) have sex, then turns to Pinocchio and says "I wish you were a real boy so I wouldn't have to be alone", I think it's a little weird. There's also plenty of sequences wherein Zoe and Pinocchio lie together exactly as Jennifer and David do- and shall we talk about the scene where Pinocchio watches babysitter Sophia (Candace McKenzie) in the shower? According to Zoe, he just "wants to learn about women's bodies" after hearing Jennifer and David boinking. Clearly, Pinocchio's Revenge is going to be a different sort of killer doll movie.

Zoe brings the doll to school and he falls into the hands of the same girl Zoe fought with days earlier. The girl tosses Pinocchio over a fence and makes her getaway on her bike. The next thing you know, someone shoves a rake handle into her bike spokes, sending the girl flying over her handlebars; she lands and promptly gets run over by a school bus. But who was wielding that rake? Who, I ask you? oooEEEEEEooooooo!

According to Zoe, it was Pinocchio. According to Zoe's psychiatrist, it was Zoe, who is totally cuckoo nutso. I don't know what to believe any more! Sweet Mother of God, I'm coming apart!

"Me too!"

Oops, wrong movie. Anyway, Zoe scolds Pinocchio for being kind of a jerk and Pinocchio exploits Zoe's fear of abandonment, telling her that he just wants to be her real brother and they'd be together forever if only they could just get rid of her mom's boyfriend. Zoe's a little unsure, but the next thing you know, someone is pushing David down the stairs. David ends up in the hospital and Zoe scolds Pinocchio again. The doll counters with "Pfft- hey, maybe it was you. No one saw me do it!" and you know, he kind of has a point. In fact, Zoe's doctor feels the same way and wants the girl committed; he shows Jennifer a video of Zoe having a decidedly one-sided conversation with her puppet companion. The girl's mother balks, however, for she knows that Zoe is simply a misunderstood moppet with a heart of gold and ringlets of off-gold. It makes MUCH more sense that the puppet is killing people.

It's always something: Pinocchio promises Zoe that things would be so much better if she'd only cut his strings...and if they got rid of that pesky babysitter! Zoe complies and the puppet promptly takes off for the hospital where he finishes what he started with David by unplugging the dude's...medical thingamajig. Shortly after returning home, Sophia gets a fireplace poker upside the head repeatedly (Poker? I hardly knew her!) and it's bye bye babysitter. Still, however, we're not entirely sure if it's Zoe or her doll doing the dirty work...the dirty work of killing, that is.

It's another dark and stormy night, so eerily reminiscent of the dark and stormy night at the beginning of the film, when Jennifer comes home to find the babysitter's body and have a showdown with Pinocchio once and for all. Finally, we get some doll running around action! The puppet chases Jennifer, brandishing a butcher knife and I ask you: what's better than watching the drama of actor vs puppet unfold on screen? Nothing, that's what!

She gets stabbed a few times here and there, but eventually Jennifer prevails...however, Pinocchio's Revenge has an ending that will shock you! Shock you to your very core!

All right, maybe it's not that explosive...but it's a decent twist. This film is an interesting entry in the killer doll genre thanks to the relationship between Zoe and Pinocchio. It's established before the doll comes home that the girl is tapped, and the kill sequences leave the audience guessing as to who's...dare I say it...pulling the strings (feel free to groan). The idea of an "evil force" is explored briefly; Jennifer posits that maybe demons and evil can take any form- maybe Son of Sam wasn't "crazy", but rather maybe the neighbor's dog really was telling him to kill kill kill. Unfortunately, no one countered with "I see your point, Jennifer. However, that doesn't mean that Mr Berkowitz had to kill all those people. If the neighbor's dog told you to punch yourself in the face, take off all your clothes, and jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do it? Does doing what a dog tells you to do make you crazy?"

Undoubtedly Pinocchio's Revenge is more of a thriller than a horror film (it's really really not scary whatsoever), but hey- who says killer doll movies can't have a bit of substance and character development sometimes? I'm holding out for a sequel, hopefully titled Pinocchio's Revenge 2: The Revenge of Zoe. According to my science calculator, the double use of the word "revenge" means that such a film would have the potential to be the best movie evar!

easy like Tuesday mornin'

Look at me, making a new choice for the next installment of the Film Club so quickly. 99% of you have probably already seen this one, but somehow it's always slipped under my radar. That's right, folks, I've never seen John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness! Gasp, shock, awe.

The title is available from Netflix, and I'll have the info posted on the right sidebar as a friendly reminder to both you and me.

The movie: John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness
The date: April 30

In other news, check out this George Romero interview- link courtesy of the always-awesome Amanda By Night. Good ol' George! He rips into just about everything, from video games to Hollywood and back again. I love George Romero. I don't love all his movies- I mean, yeah, there's the zombie stuff, but there's also Bruiser, you know?- but I love love LOVE his attitude. For better or for worse, he's one of the very last true independent filmmakers out there- and to me, that makes even stuff like Bruiser enjoyable on some level. At least you know he's not in it simply for the paycheck.

Reading that interview bummed me out a bit, though, because it got me thinking about all the ways filmmaking has changed in the last 30-odd years. On the one hand, anyone can make a film today- scrape together a teeny bit of money for a camera and some editing software and you're good to go. Much like the facts of life, however, this is both good and bad. It's equal opportunity, but at the same time the days of getting funding for a feature film are pretty much over- and the chances of your indie feature making it into theatres are negligible as well. You read about guys like Romero and Hooper and Carpenter and how their early films- their masterpieces!- got made and...I don't know, little naive Final Girl wishes it was still possible. Someone agrees to finance you, you make you film with a group of like-minded individuals, and it gets shown on a few screens- drive-ins and Times Square porn theatres to start. And yes, I know there's no porn theatres left in Times Square, but go with me here.

And these kids- what's with their music today?

There's also a link in that Romero interview which takes you to his Resident Evil screenplay. Yes, if you want to know what would have happened if Romero had been handed the keys to Capcom's zombie franchise, then click here. The Master of Unlocking commands you!

For those of you too lazy to read the script, well, I've gone ahead and done it for you. All in all it's fairly true to the game- or at least, the elements are in place. Here's a quick, uber-nerdy rundown:

-Jill and Chris are lovers. OMGLOL!!111!WTF
-Jill is a member of STARS, Chris is not. He's a Native American superstar who runs a farm near "the old Arklay place"
-Wesker leads a group of STARS members into the mansion to retrieve Dr Marcus, the man who holds the antidote to the pesky zombie virus plaguing Raccoon City- which, of course, is now located in Pennsylvania
-the group heads into the laboratories underneath the mansion but finds that Marcus is now zombified himself; they continue their search, but Wesker has other nefarious plans
-the film would end almost exactly as the game ends- the keywords being rocket launcher, helicopter, Tyrant
-all your Resident Evil pals are in place: Jill, Chris, Barry, Wesker, Rebecca, Ada Wong, the Tyrant, the Hunters, the giant snake, and Plant 42. And yes, there are zombies.

All in all, I think it would've been a big fat nerdgasm. As a film, however, well, I didn't come away thinking it would be that great. It's a little videogame-walkthrough-ish...A to B and back again. This is just based on reading the screenplay, though, so who knows. It probably would have been fun, and he didn't skimp on the monsters- I mean...Plant 42!

Not so long ago, The Horror Blog posted the Japanese commercial for Resident Evil 2 directed by Romero. Again, it's true to the game, I'll say that much. I think there's more zombies in that commercial than there were in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Is your refrigerator running?

Let's talk about Pranks (1982), shall we? This movie arrived at Casa Stacie the other day, and the box copy promised me 3 things: Daphne Zuniga, a killer wielding a spiked baseball bat, and, well...pranks. Did it deliver on these promises? 

We get Ms. Zuniga (that's 'Jo' of Melrose Place to you, if you're nasty) in her first movie role, so check. One person is killed with the spiked baseball bat- check. Although, frankly, the funky motion-y graphic on the left there made me somehow assume that everyone would be killed with the bat, but that's another story I'll get to in a bit. Now, what's left on the list...ah yes, 'pranks'. Umm...there are none! "When the kidding stops..."? There's one character who's kind of a smartass, but mostly just a jerk. And he plays no pranks! Maybe it's my fault- I inferred from the title that there would be a hand in warm water to make someone pee, fake deaths a la April Fool's Day, or at the least the ol' corpse-in-the-bed gag from Terror Train. Yeah, that's it- I was expecting some pranks, dammit! 

 Apparently the original title of this movie was The Dorm That Dripped Blood, which is a much better title in my opinion. It's not so generic or misleading as Pranks, and it's a nice cheeky nod to the 1970 Hammer anthology flick The House The Dripped Blood. The short of it, Pranks tells the tale of 5 college students who stay on campus during Christmas break to clean out a dormitory that is slated for demolition...and, uh, someone starts killing them. The long of it, Pranks is a movie I really wanted to like. It started out with some poor sap being chased by an unseen killer- and when caught, he gets his hand cut in half- the long way. Eww! Such promise right off the bat! About 20 minutes in, I thought it might be a quirky unknown gem. An hour later, I thought "I know quirky unknown gems...and you, sir, are no quirky unknown gem, Daphne Zuniga or no Daphne Zuniga!". She's probably the only actor in this movie you'll know- in fact, this movie is the ONLY imdb.com credit for most of the people appearing. Despite playing a college student, Ms. Zuniga doesn't look much older than a high school sophomore here. 

She's a little Jo Polniaczek from Facts of Life there, isn't she? No matter- she won't be sticking around long. Debbie (Zuniga) tells Joanne (Laura Lapinksi), the leader of this pack, that actually she can't stay to help close down the dorm- she's going home for the holidays, and her parents are waiting outside in the car for her. When Debbie takes too long to come out, her dad decides to head inside to look for her- big mistake, dad! As he's heading up the stairs, the killer is heading down the stairs armed with the spiked baseball bat in hand and a pair of Chuck Taylors on feet. He swings for the fences and knocks dad's head outta the park. Well, you know me- I wish the head had come flying off...what actually happened was dad fell down with a bloody head. Not as thrilling, but OK. 

 Then suddenly, we're back out at the car with mom, who's waiting patiently. Someone pops up from the backseat and strangles the poor thing to death with a piano wire. Wha? There are two killers? No no no...just some really awful editing and storytelling. There's but one killer, and I guess after offing dad, he managed to sneak into the backseat of the car without mom hearing a thing. Suuure. This shoddy direction plagued the entire movie- the POV changed so many times and there were so many slow pans and random music cues that it wasn't always clear who was looking at whom or who was in the scene or if I was supposed to be scared or what. At any rate, Debbie finally makes her way downstairs, only to find dead dad in the stairwell! Yikes! She races out to the car, opens the door, and out spills dead mom! Double yikes! Debbie is so distraught she passes out on the spot, and the killer takes this opportunity to back over her head with the family car. He dumps the whole clan in the trunk and speeds away in the Volvo. 

Do you see how the words 'unknown gem' began to float around in my brain pan? Yes, he'd killed 4 people with 4 different weapons and I wanted only the spiked baseball bat...but he backed over someone's head. That's good stuff. 

Things slow down from there, unfortunately. Joanne and the other three students talk alot, and the exchanges are awkward, yet somehow I found them somehow captivating:

"Brian, how many do you want?" 

"2, thanks, scrambled." 

"Patti? How many do you want?" 

"2 scrambled." 

"How about you, Craig?" 

"2 please. Over-easy, not too well-done. A little runny in the middle." 

"Hey, aren't there any more napkins?" 

"You may have to get them out of the supply room." 

 Did you see in the exchange above how 'difficult' Craig is? He has to have his eggs made all special-like. Can't settle for scrambled like everyone else. What a diva. Anyway, the dialogue is like that a lot. There's also much unnecessary explaining and exposition- for example, instead of just leaving a note on someone's door, which the audience should be smart enough to figure out if you just show the action, Joanne says "I'm going to leave you this note now. I think you should read it." 

In addition to the foursome, there's someone else on campus- the transient weirdo, John (Woody Roll- quite possibly one of the best names ever)...he's not supposed to be there, and he's weird! He skulks around, picking through dumpsters, wearing Chuck Taylors (gasp!), and looking like the result of a wild night of lovin' between Art Garfunkle and Richard Simmons. I'm very, very sorry to put the idea of a Garfunkle/Simmons tryst in your head and mine, but it had to be done.

 

Woody Roll? Push him downhill to find out!

Very sorry. Anyway, John is, as Patti (Pamela Holland) calls him, "That weird guy with fuzzy hair.". Did I mention that he's weird? Hey, what's that smell? Could it be...red herring? 

Eventually, everyone is dead except John, Joanne and Craig (Stephen Sachs). The others have met their fates via machete, power drill, and a big cauldron of something that's supposed to be steaming but just looked like dry ice. That's right, the baseball bat was retired after one use. Craig gets knocked out. John, carrying the machete, is pleading with Joanne to let him help her get out of this Death Dorm (another alternate title for this movie!)...but he's weird, so Joanne chops him with the machete when he drops it. Then, Craig appears to kill John and save the day and...out of the blue, confess to everything. Yes, it was he! Craig did it! Craig killed them all! He gives a lengthy explanation, of course, as to why he did it- because he was in love with Joanne, that's why. Okaaaaay. And...I guess somehow all those victims were preventing him and Joanne from being together. Sure...so he didn't kill Joanne's boyfriend Tim (Robert Frederick) who left town for a ski trip in the film's first 5 minutes, but he did kill poor Debbie and her parents, who were about to leave campus? Great logic there, Craiggers. 

Oh, and when I say explain, I mean he explains..."You see, I went to the kitchen with Patti, then I pretended someone hit me. It really hurt, but...". Just when you think Joanne is never gonna get out of this mess (and this movie is never gonna end), here comes the deus ex machina, in the form of some white trash dude Joanne met earlier that day when he asked about buying the dorm's furniture. This time, Joanne ends up knocked out. White Trash Dude, aka Bobby Lee Tremble (Dennis Ely), gets Craig cornered and is about to finish him off when the cops bust in for some reason. Craig slyly turns the tables and convinces the cops that White Trash Dude is the killer- and when White Trash Dude makes a sudden move, the cops shoot him up. (With bullets, not smack or crystal meth or anything like that.) He dies, and Craig is left alone with his beloved, unconscious Joanne. He carries her to the building's incinerator and...well, we don't know what happens. I guess he stuffs her in. I don't know if he follows her in to complete some weird murder-suicide mission or what. Cops on the dorm's roof, though, comment on the stinky smoke coming out of a pipe, so I know someone ended up char-broiled. 

 Such promise, Pranks...when you ran over Daphne Zuniga with a Volvo, you showed such promise. You failed to meet my expectations, though, and for that I must give you a mere 4 out of 10 panties in the freezer. And where the hell were the pranks?! What stuck with me the most from this movie was a lingering feeling of "I've seen her somewhere before, but where?" in reference to Laura Lipinksi, aka Joanne. This is her only movie credit, so I've never seen her on the screen before. It nagged and gnawed at me, and finally about 7 hours later, I got it. She looked just like the result of a wild night of lovin' between my hairdresser Abbie and Hillary Clinton from those old pictures of her and Bill in college.

  This comparison would impress you if you knew my hairdresser, honest.