amazon one-star reviews: MARTYRS (2008)

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amazon one-star reviews: CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)

About a year and a half ago, I gave a day of my life to a little something called The Corn-ening, wherein I watched all of the Children of the Corn movies in a row. These marathons are are an endurance test for sure! No matter the series, around film #4 I begin to question my sanity, the point of the marathon, the point of movies in general, the point of my life. But, you know, I keep on sloggin' away on my vision quest and eventually I emerge on the other side in the harsh light of a new day, having achieved...well, nothing, really. I don't think I learned anything, either. But it's the journey that's the thing, right? I read that on an inspirational watercolor painting in a bathroom one time.

Anyway, this one-star review for Children of the Corn struck a chord, for the reviewer embarks on his or her own personal corn journey. It begins with confusion, moves through disappointment, and ends at place that's "[not] bad"...of course, this person also logged on and gave the film a one-star review at the mid-point of the movie, so who knows how it really ended? What a cliffhanger! But again, I remind myself: it's the journey that's the thing.

Back in the day I watched a movie called Children of the Corn. Well at less that's what I thought it was called. It starts with a small town. Everyone is put on a spell and fell asleep. After everyone wakes up all of the woman are pregnant. Everyone gives birth to children who want to kill the town. Only one little boy doesn't want to kill the town. He try's to stop the others.

I thought this movie was the same as I described. I am very disapointed that it is the wrong movie. I really really want the other Children of the Corn movie. There are way too many Children of the Corn for me to find the one I am looking for. If any one reads this and knows what movie I am talking about message me. I hope there is a way to message me. Well since I was so unhappy with this movie I didn't really give it a chances. I am in the middle of watching it now. And I guess this movie isn't bad.

It seems that this poor person confused Village of the Damned with Children of the Damned and then ended up buying Children of the Corn. Is it right for me–or any of us, now that you're aware–to sit on this info, or do we reach out and offer up our knowledge? W.W.H.W.W.B.T.R.D.? 

Honestly, my urge to help is tempered by the fact that this poor confused person rated a movie one star because of their own stupidity instead of its own awfulness. You're out of order, reviewer! The whole trial's out of order!

amazon one-star reviews: PSYCHO (1960)

I finally got my mitts on the Psycho Blu-Ray and to celebrate Norman Bates's Maniac Madness victory over Leatherface, I checked it out last night. Hatchi matchi, it melted my eyes with beautiful! It was like seeing the film for the first time. I saw details I ain't never seen before, such as this startling second during the shower scene, where the glint of Mother's eye is visible through the curtain:

yo sorry for pinching your pic blu-ray.com, but i have no way to get BR screencaps

I don't want to get too academic over it, but gol dang, Psycho is such a great movie. Don't you think? You probably do. But hey, not everyone does. Including this Amazon.com reviewer, who thinks the revolutionary film is worth but one Amazon star!

this is so stupid i could puke! a movie based on the exploits of ed gaines. hes also the inspiration for red dragon and some other silence of the lambs. hes the guy in texas chainsaw massacre. norman bates is only created from ed. norman runs this hotel and kills whoever comes there. his dead mom is in his head encouraging him all the way. he thinks hes a chick and even dresses up like one to kill. not for the kids unless youd like them to have aids. cross dressing and prison can both point you in the right direction if thats something youre interested in. im not. f!2k that! its obviously a horror film. in fact, theres the famous shower scene where he hacks this chick up in a shower. dont get your hopes up, theres no nudity, only a silloutte of the 2 bodies and tiny little spatter of blood. it was the most violent scene in the world at the time. theres a quote that kind of got some recognition. morman says"we all go a little crazy sometimes". thats scary to think about. theres plenty of sequels. the last one i saw showed norman as a child abuse victim as a kid. it just doesnt get any better does it? it is considered by many [not me i think it sucks] to be the greatest horror film ever. well, i can name many way better ones like childs play, a nightmare on elm st, friday the 13th, halloween, hellraiser, the all time greatest -the shining-truckloads of zombie movies.........it just sucks.(...)

You have to admit, he does have some points. First of all, while history says that Robert Bloch got the idea for Psycho's "murderer next door you'd never suspect" conceit from the case of Ed Gein, it was in fact from the story of Ed Gaines. And yes, this notorious Ed Gaines did inspire some of those other Silence of the Lambses. That's just fact.

Also, it's been proven by science that anyone under the age of 18 who watches Psycho is stricken with AIDS. A terrible thing, but we all know that Alfred Hitchcock was very much against the notion of children watching horror movies. At least he did something about it instead of just blogging and yelling!

While these are solid points, I think the final argument is perhaps the most persuasive: it just sucks. Geez, now I don't know what to think about Psycho! I guess it's like Morman says...we all go a little crazy sometimes.

amazon one-star reviews: HELLRAISER

It's been reported recently that the world of "Hollywood" is revving up to remake Hellraiser. Clive Barker, who wrote and directed the original film will be writing the script. Doug Bradley, the OG Pinhead, will be returning as...well, as Pinhead. Barker has said he wants the filmmakers to utilize practical effects over CGI.

Heidi Honeycutt and I talked about this a bit on The Re-Scare-ening last night, wondering why this is even really a thing. A caller expressed similar sentiments, that after so many sequels the franchise has been ground-up beyond salvaging. I confessed that I like Hellraiser, but I don't like like it. All in all, I guess it was a Very Special Episode.

But I know you guys love you some Cenobites. The original film was featured here earlier today, for it placed on your chosen scariest films at #46. During SHOCKtober 2010, Hellraiser was ranked #41 on the list of readers' all-time favorites, and during 2011's SHOCKtober festivities Pinhead was voted a favorite genre character. Geez, I get it already!

As I said, I don't like like it myself, but there's no way I'd give the film a one-star review. However, I am not this person:

this movie is boring, all it is is a few sex scenes and a few modified people walking around, put that in a blender and you have hellraiser, not forgetting it's effortless 'special effects' with the plastic face at the beginning, with the eyes still in and the shape of the face is still there, that's not scary, it's just rediculous, i hate this movie, i demanded my money back after renting it, it's a complete waste of money even to rent. 

I am not even going to bother with any of the sequels for this movie, 'there are like 9 million of them so one of them has to be good' wrong! they are all probably crap. 

Pinhead is a stupid demon, who would be scared of a man with nails jammed into his brain? they would be a vegtable and would not do anything to you at all, and the fact that a tiny little rubix cube in disguise of a puzzle box could be a gateway to hell, i would stomp on the cube and break it. 

This movie is stupid and deseres 0 stars (wich i would give it if amazon did not have 1 star at lowest rate).

I mean, you have to admit...that bit about Pinhead being a "vegtable"? That's just science. You can't argue with science!

amazon one-star reviews: THE HAUNTING (1963)

Not gonna lie, I was so super excited to see that one of my favorite favorites, The Haunting, would be getting a Blu-Ray release (this Tuesday, hooray!). Just in time for the film's 50th Anniversary, hooray again! Surely this would mean a super awesome special deluxe edition...maybe with a documentary and the alternate edit with all that additional footage I've never seen.

Not gonna lie, my metaphorical boner was completely killed when the Blu-Ray features were listed: a trailer and a pieced-together commentary from cast and director Robert Wise. Both lovely, and both available on the DVD I already have. That's it! It's the 50th Anniversary! Must I live forever without the bonus features I want? Am I only to get improved picture quality? I am stomping all of my feet, slamming all of my doors, and throwing myself on (all of my) bed(s) to cry all of my tears.

I'd say it's an even bigger tragedy that there are people who don't like this movie, people who would give it but one star on amazon.com, but those people are jerks. Hey, here's one now!

WHAT THE CHEESY HAUNTED HOUSE!!! I just bought this DVD because all these hip and all, looks really cheesy and cheap made .is not horror whatsoever, Is Barely Suspense, This is not a movie, Is like documentary and makes me laugh of this B.S, IS rated "G", how crappie and lame can be, Is not even worth the rental either, If u real wants see a classic haunting house movie, Rent or buy "The Entity" Is superior and is real haunted house and true & chilling story. Skip this lame old trash.!! 

Oh my. See, here's the thing: I'm not actually surprised that people have been disappointed with The Haunting, or perhaps just don't like it. It's widely touted as so scary, one of the best, terrifying, blah blah blah, and sometimes when expectations aren't met movies seem all the worse.

It's also dated in that the acting tends toward the melodramatic, it's got a slow pace, there's plenty of voiceover narration and it's not some big razzle-dazzle with the effects. Some jerks people just don't go for that sort of thing, I understand. It's okay. Hey, I loathe the remake, and some people enjoy it. I wouldn't want those people in my house, but they can certainly feel however they'd like to.

But to call it "crappie", well that is just going way too far!

amazon one-star reviews: THE FOG (1980)

I know you know I heart The Fog, as is evidenced in this thing I wrote a long time ago titled "I Heart: The Fog". I have always hearted it for many reasons, one of which is that it used to scare every last bejesus out of me; in fact, it may or may not have a spot on my list of ten scariest movies. I guess we'll have to see come SHOCKtober (which is right around the SHOCKcorner, so send me your list if you haven't already!).

Again, I realize that there may be people out there who don't like this movie despite the fact that it's got a great score by John Carpenter and perfect cinematography from Dean Cundey and it stars Tom Atkins and Jamie Lee Curtis and Adrienne Barbeau and Nancy Loomis and there are leper ghosts and stomach pounders and NEVER MIND I don't understand how anyone could not like The Fog. The remake, sure. But this...ah, well. As nature hath spewed forth the amazing six-clawed lobster, so has she spewed forth a few people who hate The Fog. Why, let's hear from one of those people now!

This is undoubtedly one of the stupidest, poorly acted, and lame movies I have ever seen and I am kicking myself out into the fog for buying it!! I can't even waste the space on my shelf for this one, it's already in the trashcan! Since four letter words are frowned upon here, there is no way I can describe this absurd waste of time.

After reading this one-star review of one of my most beloved films, I thought, hmm. What if my brain is, like, rose-colored and The Fog ain't really that great? After all, it'd been a while since I'd seen it and hey, once upon a time I thought Caveman was the height of cinematic hilarity. With an open-ish mind, I checked out the blu-ray which is SO PRETTY YOU GUYS. First I watched an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis that's included in the special features and she was all "I just saw The Fog again this morning and it's not a good movie" and it was like, I don't know, somebody insulting my cooking or something. First you get all indignant with a "How dare you, I do declare!", but then a moment later you think "Well, perhaps my ambrosia salad isn't 'all that'" and you cop to the fact that there's room for improvement.

So here's what's up: I'll cop to the fact that when the fog starts a-rollin' in to Antonio Bay, Stevie Ray kind of flies off the handle a little too quickly. I'll cop to the fact that there are a couple of plot holes regarding the ghosts and their ghost abilities. I'll cop to the fact that there ain't enough Nancy Loomis in this movie, but then I could watch a 10-hour movie of nothing but Nancy Loomis giving sass. I'll cop to the fact that the film's relatively short running time, brisk pace, and multitude of storylines mean that we never really get a sense of Antonio Bay as a place.

But that's it! The Fog remains a movie that I heart hard and it's wonderful and creepy and a beauty to behold. So take that, Amazon one-star reviewer! Cram that up your Activia, Jamie Lee Curtis!

Wait, come back Jamie Lee Curtis, I can't stay mad at you, I love you forever!

amazon one-star reviews: THE DESCENT

Anyone who knows me knows I loves me some The Descent (2005 oh muh gahd, 2005? how is that movie eight years old already). I loved it the first time I saw it, I loved it the last time I saw it (which will not be the last time I see it), and I loved it every time I saw it in between. It's in my Top 20 favorites, and I imagine it will remain there until I am dead and gone. It will remain on the physical manifestation of my list until Blogger vanishes one day due to a nuclear/zombie/SARS/SkyNet apocalypse.

But I am as magnanimous as I am beautiful, and I realize that this terrific film may not be in everyone's Top 20 favorites. That's okay. Variety makes the world and all the Hometown Buffets within that world go 'round.

In fact, The Descent is so far removed from some peoples' Top 20s that they feel it deserves but one star! Out of five! Hey, I may find that to be a crazy notion, but when the critiques are well-reasoned and thoughtful, like this one, I ain't fixin' to argue about it.

I SAW THE MOVIE BUT IT'S BORED AT ALL. ALSO IT'S NOT ENJOYMENT. THE CREATURE WAS STRANGE AND DISGUSTING. I THOUGHT THIS MOVIE WAS GOOD-LOOKING BUT IT WAS NOT. ANYWAY THIS MOVIE WAS A FAILURE.

As I said, it's okay if some folks find The Descent to be not enjoyment. I find it to be do enjoyment, and that's all that matters to me.

amazon one-star reviews: THE EXORCIST

Hey everybody, it's William Friedkin's birthday! Why not celebrate with a one-star review of his masterpiece, The Exorcist? I'm sure he'll be thrilled.

I'm not surprised that the film has received its fair share of negative reviews from the masses, particularly those who have recently seen it for the first time. This movie has been hyped beyond measure, consistently cited as one of the greatest horror films in the goddamn universe. If anything, that kind of praise can work against a movie: if "one of the greatest horror films in the goddamn universe" doesn't totally completely 100% rock a new viewer's face off, the film becomes an overrated failure. I'd say that changing audience sensibilities and the decidedly 1970s pacing of The Exorcist share the bulk of the blame for that, but I know hardcore horror fans who don't like this film and don't think it's scary whatsoever (generally because they're atheists and therefore, you know, what's so frightening about Satan and the such?). I think anybody who doesn't like The Exorcist is a crazy person, but hey, everybody has their hang-ups.

But enough about what I think of The Exorcist- what does this Amazon reviewer think about The Exorcist? This one-star critique is a real treat: a critique within a critique! It's like the Russian nesting doll of reviews.

THE EXORCIST, the saddest and most disgustingly bad movie of all time, is the classic story of a young girl, Regan, whom through a Squeegy Board, becomes posessed by Satan. The film is supposedly based on a True Story about a young boy, whom in 1949, became posessed. That is unconfirmed.

MY REVIEW:
"I hate this movie with a passion because it is so evil, and only a devil worshiper would love this movie and want to watch again and again. It is the ultimate evil you can find in this world. The scary thing about it is, is that this movie is based on a true story. NOW DON'T GET ME WRONG: This movie is VERY scary, but is just a gross out devil movie. No one in this whole world should see something so terrible. IT IS BAD- plain and simple, and I mean BAD as in it isn't a good movie for anyone to see. So all of you people who say this is a great movie, you just make evil seem so good."

I am glad this review opened my eyes to my own nature. No longer can I deceive myself: I am a devil worshiper. Otherwise, how could I love The Exorcist? Everything I thought about myself has been a lie! I have not been living a Satan-tastic life so far, but that's going to change right now. I'm bustin' out my Squeegy Board and later, after dinner, I'm gonna sacrifice somethin' but good.

amazon one-star reviews: THE HILLS RUN RED

Hello, my friends, and welcome to an all-new feature here at the good ol' FG. Because I only have the smartest (and most attractive) readers, you doubtless surmised from the post title that the new feature is called amazon one-star reviews. In this scintillating project, I'll highlight...wait for it...one-star horror movie reviews verbatim from amazon.com- reviews for films considered to be genre classics, pieces of crap, and everything in between. Whatever catches my eye here where I live, which is on the razor's edge of danger, intrigue, and browsing The Internet. Why am I doing this? I don't know. But! we can always debate these 1-star reviews: is the reviewer actually on to something whilst skewering beloved films? Did he or she really watch the same movie the rest of us did? It will sure be fun to find out.

Let's start things off with the 2009 direct-to-DVD slasher flick The Hills Run Red.

 

Fun fact! Prior to the film's release, I was asked by a horror publication to attend a screening and give my opinion of what I saw- not to immediately review it, just to give it a thumbs up or down. Why? Because the director is a "friend" of not only the publication but also the horror community in general, and therefore reviewing his films is, I guess, tricky business.

I reported back that I thought it was terrible and I'd give it a negative review and should I go ahead and start writing? I simply got an "okay, no don't write anything" or something along those lines in response, and that was the last I heard of the matter. Fast forward to the DVD's release and sure enough, there's a review, written by someone else. A positive review- not glowing, mind, but still positive. Pretty gross, right? Right. And that's what can go on behind the scenes of...you know, stuff and things and what the cool kids really get up to sometimes with that stuff and those things. Well, at least you don't have to worry about that here, as none of the cool kids in the horror community give a rat's ass about what I say here and since no one pays me for Final Girl, I can actually give, you know, my honest opinion about movies.

Anyway. Here's today's one-star review!

This movie did not make any since at all, I did not like the movie it was not even scary at all but that's how everybody makes their money some how, I watched the movie 2 times try to make since out of it but it was still the same, so I don't think no one should buy this movie I'm telling the truth it is not any gd at all thanks a lot.

So there you have it. What do you think of The Hills Run Red? Do you think it made any since? Is it any gd? Weigh in!