SHOCKtober: 160-151

More one vote movies on the "what readers have been scared by" list (that's a terrible, if accurate, name for this list). Only one vote, still. For some of these movies...one vote. Really, y'all? You guys are so unique I could puke!

160. Fright Night -- 1985, Tom Holland
159. Dolls -- 1987, Stuart Gordon
158. Alone in the Dark -- 1982, Jack Sholder
157. The Beyond -- 1981, Lucio Fulci
156. Ernest Scared Stupid -- 1991, John R. Cherry III
155. I Saw the Devil -- 2010, Kim Jee-Woon
154. Lost Hearts -- 1973, Lawrence Gordon Clark
153. The Company of Wolves -- 1984, Neil Jordan
152. April Fool's Day -- 1986, Fred Walton
151. The Fog -- 1980, John Carpenter

So many movies here that I love. Please excuse me, I'm gonna go hug this chunk o' list for a while.

 oh my gaaaaahhhhhd I love April Fool's Day so much

oh my sides

You might not believe me, but it's true- I went into a viewing of the April Fool's Day remake last night with a completely open mind. From what I'd gathered, the film bears virtually no resemblance to the original (which we all know I adore), so why bother getting all wrapped up in comparisons? Better to just treat this for what it is: its own film. While most critics loathed it, at least one of my friends enjoyed it and saw something good in it; maybe I would, too. Hey, stranger things have happened- I ended up really digging House of Wax, which was an even bigger surprise than that time I was a soldier in the IRA and I totally befriended this dude I was holding hostage but things got really fucked and the dude died and I was all "Aw, man!" and so I went to find his girlfriend, and his girlfriend and I started dating each other and things were going swell but then I found out that she totally had a penis and I was all "Aw, man!"

I mean, uh...the time I saw that in a movie. Yes...a movie.

A bunch of super rich friends with super rich names like "Blaine Cartier" and "Barbie" and "Sir Caviar Wainscott Pennybottom III" are having a super rich coming out party for super rich Torrance (Scout Taylor-Compton) on super rich April Fool's Day. Desiree (Taylor Cole), the hostess with the mostess, is apparently a big fan of practical jokes and she's constantly pulling eeeevil pranks- so much so that they're as expected as they are irritating. I know this because a character said it, so it must be true regardless of the fact that we never see Desiree actually, you know, playing jokes on anybody.

Wait! I take that back! She put some blue stuff in someone's glass and then when that someone drank a toast, his mouth turned totally blue! Indeed it was a fiendish trick, so subtle in its execution and labyrinthine in its intricacies that it bore the true mark of a consummate professional prankster. It wasn't a joke that could have been pulled off by someone who simply spent a buck at Mario's Magic Shop, you know?

Anyway, Desiree totally hates Milan (Sabrina Aldridge) because...umm...because she...err, well, just because, I guess. See, relationships were never really established over the course of April Fool's Day; sure, the common denominator was that everyone was rich, but all the characters were of such varying ages and occupations that it made no sense for them all to be friends. But! No matter. Milan has been away for a time working with developmentally disabled kids or something, and Desiree wants to humiliate her something bad. Her big plan is to surreptitiously film her brother Blaine (Josh Henderson) and Milan having sex and then put it on the internet! Oh ho ho, what a devilish rib-tickler that is. Blaine agrees, someone roofies Milan's drink, Milan goes "Gak gak gak!", gets blurry (no, not blurry-eyed- she gets blurry), and pitches over a railing, falling to the floor below with a thud. Milan be dead, y'all.

Or be she?

One year later, everyone receives a note from "Milan" saying, in effect, I Know What You Did Last April Fool's Day. Then everyone except Desiree ends up dying.

Yes, those two brief sentences summarize the next hour or so of the movie, an hour which is so boring and bland and tensionless and stupid that two brief sentences is really all I can muster.

Is Milan actually dead? Why is Desiree the last one alive? Who killed all these super rich jerks? Are they really dead? Does the title April Fool's Day have anything to do with anything?

Yes, because, no one, no, doy.

The "kills", when they were shown were played for laughs. From the mincing "fag" flailing about in his pool as he "drowned" to the dude making Shemp-like "Woob woob woob" noises as he was run over by a van, I never felt anything during these sequences beyond a sort of world-weary resignation. I was never wrapped up in the "whodunit" and I never cared about anybody or anything- and that's not entirely because I knew to expect a twist.

I could see what the filmmakers were going for with April Fool's Day, and it wasn't horror- they were attempting, I think, some sort of clever mystery-comedy hybrid. "Attempting" and "executing" certainly aren't the same thing, however, and in the end April Fool's Day is like a week-old loaf of Value Brand white bread. It's dry, it's flavorless, it's boring, it's forgettable, it's cheap, and it's ultimately not good for you.

Oh well. At least I'll always have Deborah Foreman- she's some whole grain goodness, that one.

remake shmremake part 2

Holy fucking shit, it's as if it's Remake Week around here, eh? Don't worry, it'll all be over soon. Just close your eyes and think of England, dear.

Next up in the trailer parade: the direct-to-DVD rehashing of April Fool's Day (clicken ze trailer). According to the folks at Bloody-Disgusting, this version looks "very similar to the original". According to me, however, "The folks at Bloody-Disgusting must be smoking some serious something because this version doesn't resemble the original film whatsofuckingever".

It seems to me that The Updatening of the love-it-or-hate-it (and we all know how much I love it) 1986 slasher flick has rendered it a (perhaps) serviceable thriller. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me if the new version is completely unrelated to the original or if it's a shot-for-shot copy, because the original film boasts something the remake can never hope to match:


Yes, April Fool's Day boasts the awesome power of the combined forces of Deborah Foreman and Amy Steel. See, they're mighty and badass and untouchable and unstoppable- not at all unlike The Soul Patrol.


Holy crap, I fucking love Deborah Foreman and Amy Steel and G.L.O.W.

List Time!

In light of the recent spate of crapola that I've dealt with lately, I decided to reminisce for a bit in order to remind myself that there really are good slasher flicks out there. After staring at the wall and thinking for an hour with a big dumb smile on my face and the slightest hint of drool at the corner of my mouth, a list started to formulate. "Yes," said I softly, "A list! Everyone loves lists. But oh, whatever shall I list? Worst Slasher Hairstyles? Top 6 Pairs of Leg Warmers? Best End Credit Songs? No, those are for another day. Today, I shall keep it simple. Yes, simple. Barkeep! Another Rusty Nail, if you please."

Anyway, yes lists like this are totally subjective and you're free to disagree with me, though I must tell you...disagreeing with me makes you a jerk. But you know, whatevs. Do whatever you want. And now...

The Top 10 Slashers That Aren't Halloween, Friday the 13th, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, or A Nightmare on Elm Street!

10. Terror Train (1980)



I realize that the last time I watched Terror Train (when I reviewed it), I wasn't terribly enamored. But guess what? I gave it another shot recently and I must say...I softened a bit. I still think the Gene Shalit mask is more hilarious than frightening, but the film does have some effectively scary sequences. While the film perfectly fits within the slasher paradigm, the setting (and yes, even the "illusion" theme running throughout) separates Terror Train from the pack.

See? I can change my mind.

9. He Knows You're Alone (1980)



There's a sense of...I don't know, maturity, maybe, that elevates He Knows You're Alone above the typical horny teen-style slasher. Maybe it's the quality of the acting (including a young Tom Hanks in he first onscreen role), or the fact that the women are about to become brides instead of camp counselors; whatever it is, it makes the film a slasher flick for people who don't dig slasher flicks.

Look for the 'movie theatre scene' that was later ripped off...errr, referenced in Scream 2.

8. Hell Night (1981)



Come on, people, let's gork out! This Linda Blair-in-a-poofy-blouse fueled flick is full of more gothic atmosphere and scares than your average episode of Dark Shadows. And you know what? I can't stand Dark Shadows. There, I said it. But I loves me some Hell Night. Often overlooked, it's one of the more original unoriginal films from that magical era.

That makes sense if you think about it.

7. House on Sorority Row (1983)



Here's another slasher film that's often overlooked. House on Sorority Row takes the oft-repeated "prank that comes back to bite you in the ass" formula and manages to make it frightening. Detractors bemoan the lack of gore here, but I'd rather have atmosphere and scares than graphic violence any day- even in my slasher flicks.

6. April Fool's Day (1986)

Folks seem to be fairly divided on April Fool's Day: they love it, or they're jerks.

I kid. The twist ending of this film doomed it at the box office and tends to turn people off...but hey, it works for me. The caliber of the performances really makes April Fool's Day something special- particularly that of the awesome Deborah Foreman. She should be in every movie.

Sorry, I can't find anything on YouTube for this film. YouTube are jerks!

5. The Burning (1981)



Rumor has it that The Burning will be soon seeing a DVD release, something fans have been clamoring for for ages now. The film sticks to the tried-and-true formula: a scary dude stalks teens at a summer camp. So what makes The Burning notable? Well, for starters, Cropsy- that "scary dude"- is actually scary. Add in some prime work from FX maestro Tom Savini, unusual and effective kill sequences (particularly the infamous "raft scene), and those damn garden shears and you've got a flick that's rightfully earned its cult reputation.

4. Just Before Dawn (1980)



From the isolated location to the eerie, perfect soundtrack to the damn crazy cuckoo nutso twins to George Kennedy, Just Before Dawn is unsettling and frightening. This film is a prime example of how effective formula can be when it's well-done all around.

3. My Bloody Valentine (1981)



Another example of getting the formula oh-so-right, this Canadian effort is helped along by a fantastic location (a dark and labyrinthine coal mine) and a truly frightening killer, pissed-off miner Harry Warden.

It seems so easy to get it right- how come so many slasher films get it wrong?

2. Scream (1996)



If spawning countless inferior copycat knockoff flicks is the hallmark of a great film, then it should be no surprise that Wes Craven's Scream is near the top of the list. This movie resurrected the dead and stale slasher genre as it managed to be both cheeky and truly fucking frightening. Unfortunately, the copycats only looked to Scream's self-referential aspects and overlooked the fact that the film also sticks to the formula and does it well. The laughs are balanced- outweighed, even- by some of Craven's finest work; the famous opening sequence ("Do you like scary movies?") is undoubtedly one of the scariest in any horror film.

In its wake, the slasher film quickly became diluted once more with inferior flicks and countless parodies- it's easy to overlook and/or forget how powerful Scream truly is. Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven managed to simultaneously update the formula and adhere to it- that's the sign of a true landmark effort.

1. Black Christmas (1974)



Was there any doubt I'd have this at number 1? It's scary and I love it. 'Nuff said.

Have no fear...

...or should I say, have a lot of fear? Either way, rest assured that the Animals Run Amok Week 2 festivities will pick up again on Monday and run all week. Animals of all kinds have tried to take over the world so many times, you see, and I want to see every attempt.

In remake news- what other kind of horror news is there, lately?- a hot tip from reader Michelle has let it be known that my beloved April Fool's Day is the next up at the plate. It's not even worth getting in a tizzy over, as it seems The Powers That Be are hellbent on remaking every single horror movie ever. In spring 2010, be sure to look for the remake of Rob Zombie's Halloween remake!

The April Fool's Day updating is being helmed by the Butcher brothers, who brought audiences the After Dark Movie Fest entry The Hamiltons. What's with all the brother duos making movies? Where are the sister duos? Come on, ladies, let's get it the fuck together. April Fool's Day was a box office flop; it hit screens as the slasher flick heyday was coming to an end, and audiences didn't much care for the twist ending. Audiences are so dumb sometimes. Will the remake keep the twist? Or will it feature the legendary as-yet-unseen third act?

The greatest thing I'm wishing for out of this remake would be a deluxe DVD release of the original film, this time around with commentary from stars Deborah Foreman, Amy Steel, Deborah Goodrich, and Clayton Rohner. See, the cast was a huge factor in the original film's effectiveness. Let's see you match that, remake! I pity the fool who gets cast as Muffy/Buffy.

pretend you care...

...about my answers to these movie-related questions that somehow made their way to my inbox. By "somehow", I mean they were sent to me.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.

Umm...I guess Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. They're sort of their own thing, and repeated viewings don't diminish their effectiveness. The fact that I was a kid when they came out helps boost the viewing number as well, although I'm positive it's still in the 2-digit realm, don't worry. The more I like a horror film, the less I want to watch it again and again- repeated viewings suck away the magic pretty quickly. I trot out my favorites maybe once or twice a year. That said, I've probably seen Halloween more than 10 times.

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in the theater.

Not many. I know I saw The Blair Witch Project twice, and Event Horizon, I think, but that's about it. It's too pricy. I mean, do I look like I'm made out of solid gold? Do I smell like Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds? Sheesh.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.

Adrienne Barbeau, George Kennedy, Charles Napier, Faye Dunaway, Deborah Foreman, Kurt Russell, Jennifer Rubin, Alex Reid, Marilyn Burns, Amy Steel, Christopher Lee, Faye Grant, Marc Singer, the cast of Dallas, the cast of Melrose Place, and the guy who played Silent Movie Zombie in the Savini-remake of Night of the Living Dead.

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Tom Cruise, Nicolas Cage, Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts, and PAUL REISER. I don't know why I have such a huge hate-on for that guy, but I do. Maybe it started with Aliens.

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from.

This isn't meant to sound all braggy, but I have a pretty good memory and I remember a fair amount of dialogue from movies. There's little I hate more than movie dialogue that becomes National Catchphrases, however- I'll never forgive Mike Myers for all the times I've had to endure "Not!" and truly horrendous Austin Powers imitations. I've quoted from Silence of the Lambs pretty frequently, though...I mean, you'd be surprised how often "I can smell your cunt" comes up in the course of a week.

5. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.

I'm really not a fan of musicals, the exception being Jesus Christ Superstar. If you haven't seen it, you haven't lived, baby.

6. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

Does not compute.

7. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.

Shark Attack III: Megalodon

8. Name a movie that you own.

I was simply going to repeat Shark Attack III: Megalodon, but to make this exciting and interesting, I will now walk over to my shelf, close my eyes, randomly point to a movie I own, and report my findings. Hold on.

Survey says...Don't Look Now.

9. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.

Bjork

10. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?

Heh. I think I was born at the drive-in. I was fortunate enough to see almost all of the early-'80s horror fare at the drive-in: Friday the 13th, F-13-2, Poltergeist...you name it, I probably saw it.

11. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't yet gotten around to it.

Audition! STILL!! I've been saying for 54658816 years that I'm gonna see this movie, and yet it remains beyond my grasp. I guess I'm just a big lame.

12. Ever walked out of a movie?

The only movie I recall walking out of was Oh God, You Devil! which I went to see with my best friend when I was in...like, 6th grade. It was awesome that we were at the movies sans parents, but the movie sucked so we left and went to the arcade at the other end of the shopping plaza. Wise choice.

13. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.

Tears of sad: Life is Beautiful
Tears of rage: Black Christmas (2006)
Tears of awesome: The Descent

14. Popcorn?

What about it?

15. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?

Not often, sadly enough. The fact that movies are available on DVD fairly quickly nowadays makes me even less inclined to spend the money at a theatre. The ratio is probably something pathetic like 30:1.

16. What's the last movie you saw in the theater?

I don't remember....Black Christmas, maybe? Is that possible? How sad sad sad. What am I, Rip Van Winkle?

That doesn't make sense, but whatevs.

17. What's your favorite/preferred genre of movie?

Umm...hmm...maybe horror. What's my favorite subgenre of horror, though? That's a tough one. I like a good- GOOD- haunted house movie. I like Animal Attack movies, I like zombie movies, I like Children Attack movies, I like horror anthologies...I could go on.

18. What's the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?

I don't know if it was the theatre or the drive-in, but the first movie I remember seeing period is Disney's Snow White. I remember my parents taking me to see it and it was an exciting big deal- they really hyped it up beforehand that I was going to the movies. Awesome.

19. What movie do you wish you had never seen?

Even the worst movies give me something to write about here at Final Girl, and I'll admit that sometimes the bad reviews are way more fun to write than the good reviews. However, I can think of absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever to Bloodsucking Freaks, and if I have to choose a movie, I choose that one.

20. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?

I don't really know how to answer that. What's "weird" mean? How about this- it's weird that I liked Dave. But is Dave a weird movie? Probably not.

21. What is the scariest movie you've seen?

Sheesh. THE scariest? That's tough. Probably The Exorcist or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

22. What is the funniest movie you've seen?

That's tough, too. There's different kinds of funny, you know? These are funny to me, however: Airplane!, Waiting for Guffman, Harold and Maude, Annie Hall, Wet Hot American Summer, The Jerk.

There, wasn't that fun? I said, WASN'T THAT FUN, CHARLES NELSON REILLY?

Man, why you gotta be like that?

addendum: a letter

Dear Hollywood,

Look, before I get into it, I'd just like to say that yes, I'm awfully hard on you sometimes when it comes to the horror movies you put out. It's just...well, do you have to be so obsessed with money? Yeah, we'd all like to be rich, but when a rare good idea comes along all you see are dollar signs- and you know what happens next? You try to recreate that one good idea over and over and over again to cash in on it. You water-down everything that made that idea so good in the first place rather than coming up with NEW good ideas. You take our money, you treat us like idiots, and then...well, the middle fingers start flying. I lose faith in you. We all lose faith in you because it's obvious that we're just big, walking wallets to you. Why you gotta be dat way, Hollywood? Hmm? We keep coming back for more, so obviously we all want to like you. No matter how many times you kick us in the face with another tired retread or remake, we still show up in the theatres. To you, that must mean "we've got their money, let's just feed 'em crap!", right? I'm sorry, but that's the way you make me feel, whether you intended to or not- and that's why I'm so hard on you. I know there's some nuggets of good hidden away in there under all the crap. No matter how little, I've still got faith. You just keep taking advantage of me, though...I feel used up, H. Used up!

In an effort to offer you something constructive instead of just hollow bitching, I'm offering you this idea I had last night. Free of charge, it's all yours! It's a little unconventional, but I think if you're willing to hear me out, you might think it's original enough that it could ignite a slow-burn amongst audiences and then you'll jump. On the surface, it's not really that original of an idea at all. The big picture isn't necessarily groundbreaking, but the little touches will show that you're not just a big money-grabbing hungry hungy hippo, Hollywood. Listen to the wise words of En Vogue, H-Wood; free your mind, and the rest will follow.

It's this simple: I want a sequel to April Fool's Day. Knowing the latest trends, there's already one in the works somewhere that will pale in comparison to the original- you'll drop in the latest faces from Tiger Beat and make a silly movie that everyone hates. PG-13, am I right? Or will you just remake the original movie and water it down to begin with? OK, maybe I'm judging too harshly and quickly, but that's what you've reduced me to! See why I'm bitter?

When I say "I want a sequel", I mean I want a true, honest-to-goodness sequel to the original movie. With the same characters, with the same actors. They're still around. They still look great. They might be willing. I want Deborah Foreman, I want Amy Steel, I want Clayton Rohner, I want Deborah Goodrich...I want them all. It's been 20 years- where are these characters now? Are you telling me that Muffy St John isn't a character worth revisiting 20 years down the road? She was a little crazy, you know. Does she really host murder mysteries every weekend? Or what about Nan, who really fucking flipped out when she was subjected to the reminder about her abortion? Maybe she really lost it that weekend and is a total kookadook now, who knows.

The plot, well, you've got options. Maybe the friends reunite at Muffy's estate for the weekend. Maybe they bring their families and kids. Maybe people start to die for real this time. You don't need to have some big fancy twist at the end- just make a well-written slasher movie with good characters. Trust me, that'll be refreshing enough. You did it in 1986, surely you can do it now.

Why not bring back Fred Walton, the director, while you're at it? He did a great job with April Fool's Day, and When A Stranger Calls, his first film...well, you tried to re-hash that one recently and it didn't work, right? Everyone knows the famous "the call is coming from within the house!" bit, but you know something? The first half hour or so of When A Stranger Calls is a perfect horror movie. Watch it again, forget what you already know about it, and you'll see what I mean. Fred Walton knows what he's doing, so let him do it.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking- "Reunite these people?! But...but...they're all over 40! Gasp! Who wants to see that?!"...well, alot of people might want to, Hollywood. People don't stop liking horror movies when they turn 22, you know. Some horror fans who're over 40 might enjoy being able to identify with characters on-screen for once. We don't all want to watch teenagers all the time. But if these characters have kids, well, they'd be teenagers, right? You could work some in for the younger crowd and everyone would be happy.

April Fool's Day 2 could be smart. You need something smart right now, because you're at the low, dumb end of the current horror cycle. You'd show that you're not just after teenager babysitting money. You'd show that good actors over 35 can still get roles- especially the women. C'mon, Hollywood- take a chance. It's redemption time, and it just might work.

I've still got faith in you.

Hugz-n-stuff,

Stacie (your secret #1 fan)

I Heart: April Fool's Day

Damn right, people...it's time for me to talk about one of my absolute favorite slasher movies...April Fool's Day. Note that I am not talking about it tomorrow, which actually IS April Fool's Day. This makes me 57% cooler than all the people who will be talking about it on April 1st.

I'm telling you now- this little post is gonna be all full up with all ten kinds of SPOILERS, so if you haven't seen this movie yet (if you haven't, well, why haven't you?)- turn back. Turn back before it's too late! Turn back before the spoilers cast their evil gaze upon you, turning you to stone in a flash! Turn back, I tells ya! AAAAIIIIIIEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Err, sorry. Look, it's Friday and I just watched one of my favorite movies and I went a little crazy with the font for a second. I'm better now.

It's spring break time, and a group of college kids head to the island vacation home of their friend Muffy St. John (Deborah Foreman) for a little fun, college kid-style. Being around April 1st, the pranks begin almost immediately on the ferry ride to the island. Unfortunately, one of the jokes goes awry and poor deckhand Buck ends up smooshed between the boat and the pilings. Grody. Not a good way to start a vacation.

The jokes continue later on however as Muffy has rigged her house with all sorts of gags: there's collapsing chairs, dribble glasses, sinks that spray water in the face of the user, and so on. In each guest room, there's also a "joke" that serves as a reminder of the guest's dark secret or painful past: S&M gear, drug paraphernalia, newspaper clippings about fatal car accidents, and a reminder of an abortion. Ha ha haa! Whee! April Fool's, everybody!

The 'jokes' set everyone on edge, and soon enough the guests begin to disappear. Meanwhile, Muffy starts acting as if she's stopped taking her meds. She stares off into space, she laughs to herself, she's unkempt, and, as Nikki (Deborah Goodrich) notes, she's suddenly wearing shoes with crepe soles! What the hell has gotten into Muffy?

Once the dead bodies are discovered, the kids phone the constable on the mainland. He sets out for the island with a warning: stay away from Muffy. The warning coupled with Muffy's odd behavior lead everyone to believe that she's the killer...that is, until Rob (Ken Olandt) and Kit (Amy Steel) discover that Muffy has a twin sister Buffy who's been locked away in the nuthouse for three years. Buffy's back, though, and look out: she's nuts, she's wearing crepe soles, and she's killing everyone on the island!

Eventually, Rob and Kit are the only two people left alive. Just when you think Buffy is about to finish them off, Kit opens a door onto quite a scene: there's everyone that was thought dead, very much alive. Even Buck is there, decidedly unsmooshed. And there is no Buffy; plain ol' Muffy was hamming it up. That's right, it's all one big joke! April Fool's! It was all a test run for Muffy's grand scheme: to turn the estate into a bed and breakfast where guests can participate in a "murder mystery weekend". Good show, Muffy. Everyone drinks champagne and has fun with the prosthetic "dead bodies", the end.

April Fool's Day is a great flick that was doomed by bad word-of-mouth. The film started out strong at the box office, but quickly dropped from the radar after audiences found out about the twist ending. I find it odd that it wasn't well-received, but man, horror audiences are weird: they seem to want to be fed the same thing over and over, but then they complain about being fed the same thing over and over. In 1986, the year of the film's release, the slasher flick was on its last legs, the heyday long over. Audiences were getting bored as the second Nightmare on Elm Street and the fifth Friday the 13th movies hit the screen. The sub-genre would soon lapse into a parody of itself and be run into the ground until the release of Scream in 1996. Along comes April Fool's Day with a great cast, great acting, and a smart script that plays by all the slasher rules only to thumb its nose at you in the end. Better yet, the film wasn't thumbing its nose in the postmodern, post-Scream "it's just a stupid movie so why take it seriously anyway" fashion of the last 10 years. April Fool's Day plays it straight until the end, and the joke's on you, audience! I guess people don't like that. Or it matters somehow that the characters really die if you're going to enjoy a horror flick.

The champagne celebration was not originally going to end the film; it was only going to end Act II. In the intended Act III, Muffy's friends left the island but then returned to give her a taste of her own medicine. Under the ruse of the practical joke, however, Muffy's brother Skip ends up killing her to garner her inheritance. I've read conflicting stories as to whether or not the ending was actually filmed, so the footage could be out there or it could just be words on a page.

What elevates April Fool's Day into the realm of the "I Heart..." series is the acting. Across the board, the performances are fantastic. Somehow, all of these privileged, unlikable kids become likable- and that's all because of the acting. You all should know by now that Amy Steel is one of my favorites and yeah, I'm glad she's here. Make no mistake about it, though- this movie belongs to Deborah Foreman.

I love love LOVE her performance as both Muffy and Buffy. Love. LOVE. Seriously. She's by turns sweet, kind, sexy, and really, really fucking creepy. Her Muffy is jittery, off-kilter, and somehow out of synch with everything around her. Even when she's not supposed to be weirdo Muffy, even when she's just completely normal, there's something there that's not quite right. Not quite right, but very intriguing. What I love the most is the fucked-up inflections Foreman uses for her line readings when she's weirdo Muffy, before 'Buffy' is discovered. It's hard to convey it here, exactly, but for example- when Kit tells Muffy that the constable should be arriving very soon, Muffy stares at her a moment, then replies with a solemn facial expression:

Sometimes- with the tides- it takes somebody all night to get here from the mainland. Andeventhensometimes----they don't make it.

Then she turns around and walks out of the room quickly, and it's totally creepy and totally brill, my friends. Totally brill. Deborah Foreman rocks, and she rocks hard.

So that's it- I heart April Fool's Day. And if my word isn't enough to get you on board with it, well, then, I'll leave it up to Mr. T. T? What say you?

"I pity the fools who don't like April Fool's Day! Every day is April Fool's Day for them fools!"

Thanks, T. I owe you one. Mad props.

It's art, man

Today I discovered Movie Goods, a site loaded with movie memorabilia such as photos, film cells, and posters, from reproductions to foreign rarities. Here's some of the noteworthy stuff for sale I found during a cursory browse (all images courtesy of moviegoods.com)...

An awesomely creepy lobby card from Alice, Sweet Alice:

Here's a German poster for John Carpenter's The Fog:

Isn't that terrible? That's got to be one of the silliest, least terrifying images I've ever seen. Is she supposed to be scary or scared? I can't tell...she's cross-eyed and her hair is going crazy! Eyyaggggghhhhh! Actually, it looks like maybe there's a flasher in the fog and he's just shown her his manpurse.

From the Completely Judging a Book by Its Cover Department, the movie I've never heard of but want to see desperately now based solely on its title and poster:

What on earth did the cats do? Did they pee on his pillow? Did they shed all over his best suit? I'm wondering what the cats could have possibly done to make a man put pantyhose on his head and take someone who looks vaguely like Debbie Reynolds hostage. And who are all those girls lined up? Are they the "cats" in question? I must know...I must know!

I love this Italian poster for Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?. It seems to me that modern posters, when not just a plain photograph of the stars themselves, are simply dull, over-Photoshopped crud. Gimme a painted, broken baby doll head any day of the week!

Movie posters also used to be great marketing, really drawing you into the flick- especially when the flick in question is produced by William Castle, the gentleman who brought us such gimmicks as selling 'life insurance' to audience members (in case they died of fright during the film), or zapping their seats during The Tingler. Check out the poster from Bug:

Yep, it's the movie you see with your eyes closed! Castle's "serious warning" states:

Many people have an uncontrollable fear of the unknown. If you are such a person, please believe me when I say- this movie is not for you.

Have you seen Bug? The cockroaches can start fires and they spell out WE LIVE on a wall. It fucking rocks. Don't forget to go over your checklist after viewing!

The Japanese poster for Friday the 13th has a great layout, atmosphere, blood, action, and short shorts:

And finally, this is why Movie Goods will be getting some of my dollars-

That's what I'm talkin' bout, Willis. Long live memorabilia!

Lists Rule!

I got an email from enterprising reader John Seibert pointing me to an article on MSN, wherein film critic Kim Morgan lists her choices for the Top 10 Best Slasher Flicks. I must say, despite the fact that it's an article purely timed to coincide with the release of When A Stranger Calls, I'm surprised: it's not a bad little list.

For you, dear readers, a tip: when a stranger calls, just hang up! That's my advice. Hang up that phone and save yourself a world of trouble. If the stranger asks if you've checked the children, tell him to mind his own beeswax, then hang up. Easy, breezy, beautiful.

Let's run down Morgan's list and see how I feel about the choices, hmm? I've got nothing better to do today than to throw my opinion around like...like...ok, I was going to make a joke there that would've gone way too far. You'll have to fill in the blanks if you can.

10. The Slumber Party Massacre I think I want to like SPM more than I actually do. It walks a very fine line between satirizing slashers and becoming an exploitation flick, and it raises a few interesting questions- this movie's got more boobage than about any other slasher I've seen, yet it's written and directed by women, so what does that say? Is it still "misogynist trash", or is it "empowering"? Does the fact that the writer (Rita Mae Brown) is a lesbian have any bearing on that answer? Whatever you want to read into SPM, first and foremost, I ask- does it belong on the list of Top 10 Slashers? Remember now, the killer is an inductee into the Final Girl Hall of Infamy...that's not a good sign. Ultimately, SPM doesn't thrill me much...it's not good enough to be great and it's not bad enough to be good. Middle of the road, my friends, is a bad place to be. And one is the loneliest number.

9. Scream This movie's been out of the limelight long enough now for it to get the "props"(as the kids would say) it deserves as a horror movie. Forget the spoofs, forget Jamie Kennedy's 'horror movie rules', forget, if you can, David Arquette. Scream is a damn fine slasher movie. The kids might even call it "dope". "Dope" means "cool", silly- I'm not talking about drugs! Hugs, not drugs, I always say.

8. Friday the 13th Well, duh. What is there to say about this movie? Without a doubt it belongs on this list.

7. April Fool's Day Now we're talking! I fucking love April Fool's Day. Love it. Love. It. First and foremost, it's got Amy Steel. And to me, horror movies with Amy Steel are like bottles of Night Train in brown paper bags are to travellin' hoboes...gimme gimme gimme! It had a twist ending- a good one- before M Night Shamalamadingdong made them all the rage. Deborah Foreman creeps me out through this entire movie, and the whole thing has a wonderful air of unpleasantness about it. Maybe that makes sense if you've seen it. Or maybe it only makes sense to me, as does the bald cap I recently converted into a thinking cap. One of these days I'll do a proper review of AFD, but for now, I commend Kim Morgan for having this on the list.

6. A Nightmare on Elm Street Yeah, OK. But just the first one. It's far more dated than you'd think it'd be, but it still rocks pretty hard. Freddy hadn't become the Henny Youngman of Horror yet, praise Jebus. He was kept in the dark, he mostly kept his mouth shut, and he was scary. Nightmare had a totally original concept- he can kill you in your dreams? - that has yet to be surpassed in the genre. If only he'd kept his damn mouth shut!

5. Cabin Fever Umm...okaaaaaay. I must confess, I haven't seen this yet. It's on my Netflix list, but I have sooooo many episodes of BJ and the Bear to get through before Cabin Fever arrives- it's gonna take forever! But from my understanding of the genre, this...isn't...really a slasher, is it? It doesn't sound like it, judging by Morgan's plot summary. There's a few entries on this list that are pushing the boundaries of the definition, but Cabin Fever sounds like a horror movie to me, not a slasher.

4. Black Christmas Well, y'all should know how I feel about this movie by now. Me like! My best friend Margot Kidder plays a damn fine foul-mouthed drunk, and I've mentioned Olivia Hussey's shiny shiny hair many times. I love Black Christmas, and of course it belongs on this list; I'd put it higher up, though. This flick is probably going to get frequent mentions and wider recognition everywhere as the remake release approaches. Hopefully people will seek out the source material. I myself plan on sticking up my middle fingers at the remake several times- I may even go so far as to moon it. I don't know who's going to star in it yet, but her hair will look like straw next to Olivia Hussey's! Straw, I tells ya!

3. The Funhouse I watched this movie (for the who-knows-how-many-th time) a few months ago, and I still like it quite a bit. Tobe Hooper uses the setting (inside a carnival funhouse after hours) for maximum effect and there's some real shocks to be found. There's no way I'd put it this high on my Top 10 list, but hey. This ain't my list, now is it?

2. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Wow, Tobe Hooper in the number 2 and 3 slots. TCM pushes the boundaries as to what can be considered a "slasher"...I'm more apt to call it a "horror movie", where undoubtedly it'd be near the top of my list of the best. This movie is really really unsettling. It's visceral, it's relentless, it's disturbing- even today, 30-odd years after it was made.

1. Halloween I've never heard of it. I'll add it to my Netflix list, but like I said, it won't be here for a while. I've got BJ and the Bear, Cabin Fever, and the entire first season of 227 to slog through first. I'll let you know what I think of it when the time comes, though- promise.