100 Days

 

Lunch

 

Enough IS enough - Phase One, Day One Hundred and Three

Project: Enough IS enough: A year of less, to determine what's enough and create space for more… (aka Transformation to Turtle Time)

Why: Designed to tackle my mental, emotional, physical and financial health by recalibrating what’s essential to me, enabling me to become even more conscious about my consumption - on all fronts. Some of it will involve inviting in more of things that enrich and bring joy but I’m also stripping right back on some things, especially to begin with.


Inspirations this month:

• Secondhand September - I grew up in a family who knew how to make good use of stuff that wasn't new: furniture we inherited or picked up & 'up-cycled' long before it was a thing, houseplants grown from cuttings, books shared and reshared, clothes passed from one person to another... even as the eldest of four kids, I wore hand-me-downs from my older cousins and outfits made with love from material that was once someone else's dress. At the age of about eight, I remember returning from the local rubbish dump - this was waaaaay before the time of recycling centres - proudly brandishing a reclaimed swan-shaped perfume bottle that felt like a beautiful treasure. When I started to earn my own money as a young teen it was secondhand shops that I most loved to search in for piles of books and quirkier things to wear and decorate my space with. My sister and I spent many happy hours as students scouring the rails of Secondhand Rose for vintage beauties! It still gives me great pleasure to browse & buy in secondhand and charity shops and I love new-to-me goodies. It's fun. And it feels good not to be adding to the demand for unnecessary new stuff in the world and all that comes with that. My sister's gone on to raise re-purposing to an art form with her design and sewing skills and I benefit because it's like having a personal style&sewing guru. It's good to see this approach going large in the world. Secondhand September is helping me tap back into the joy of secondhand and think of even more ways to re-use things.
• Aja Barber (@ajabarber) - I've been following her on Instagram since the beginning of the year and have learnt so much about fast fashion that's helped me question and change some of my buying choices. She describes herself as a "Writer who loves fashion but fashion at its best is sustainable and inclusive." Thoughtful and thought-provoking (sometimes outright challenging) in the best way, I love her posts. And the conversations they spark. There are others but if I read only one, hers is it.
• The Seasonal Soul by Lauren Aletta - Three months in and I'm still loving this. And now we're moving into a new season to explore...
• How To Give Up Plastic by Will McCallum - Received as a freebie in a goodie bag at the last TEDxLondon I attended. Dipping in & out and it's accessible and practical.
• Give a Sh*t by Ashlee Piper - Audiobook, just started. So far, so good.

Intentions this month:

• Spending ~ Because I'm not buying anything inessential and the season is changing, I intend to use my own wardrobe as a source of new-to-me by revamping individual items or combining things in different ways. I have some existing subscriptions that I'm really not loving anymore and I reckon I'll save a bit more if I can bring myself to face the admin involved in cancelling them.
• Letting Go ~ Continue to sort through and reduce the stuff I already own (make-up in particular because I own a lot given I wear very little) and cut down even more on my screen time. Palm oil & plastic - continuing to consciously weed them out of my life (a substantial ongoing challenge). Unsubscribe from more emails, websites, SoMe accounts that bring temptation or don't make me feel good. It's a work in progress.
• Inviting In ~ More yoga mat, it was dusted off but still didn't get as much use as I'd like. Time outside in a green space or near water just for pleasure, at least once a week. Artist dates, at least one a month.

Anticipated challenges this month:

• I'm not a lover of shortening days and colder weather. I like a lot about the autumn but I feel my energy resisting the shift. It can't be ignored but I'm trying not to make too much of it: just taking notice of what's going on in me.  

Progress in the last (3) month(s):

• Spending ~ Cut down substantially but there's still room for improvement - see above. I bought two books, which I justified because they were work related but... broke the rules. Also, when I went to the States I did stockpile some toiletries I like and can't buy here - not as many as I ordinarily would though. I'd already committed to themed dress for a festival in August and bought a few things for that. Dyed some things to make them work - that was fun and, again, reminded me of something I used to do a lot in my student days to get more mileage out of things that weren't working for me.
• Letting Go ~ Physical stuff - Cleared out more belongings from boxes that I'd sorted through earlier this year but were then damaged when the storage flooded. It was heartbreaking in some ways and cathartic in others. Donated twelve more boxes of things that were salvaged but no longer needed and took a van full of damaged-beyond-saving stuff to the local refuse and recycling centre. I still have a lot of stuff and I notice my attachment to things. None of it has much intrinsic value but it's meaningful to me for the emotion I've attached to each item. Emotional baggage - Having to let go of things I'm sentimentally attached to hurts. I can rationalise the loss but I feel it, hard. I think this is an ongoing project for me. Screen time - down week on week but still needs work. Digital clutter - Not missing any of the email I unsubscribed from - round two of this to tackle.
• Inviting In ~ Time outdoors - was great - walked lots, swam, kayaked. Family time - good but never enough. Festival fun - I last immersed myself in festivalling 11 years ago and this was one I'd not been to before. Three days in a field, with friends. Not camping. I loved it! It was a great reminder of things that restore my heart - expressing my inner hippie unicorn; a lovely, diverse & inclusive space; sparkle, sparkle, sparkle; daytime and nighttime dancing; deep connection & meandering conversation; laughing, lots; lying in the grass, sitting under trees, soaking in sunshine, eating & drinking as & when - escaping the 'real world'... there was a lot to reflect on. Furs & purrs - I also house/cat/dog-sat for a couple of friends while they were away for their Summer holidays and I was reminded how much I love (and miss) furry snuggles. Friends & firepits - add to list of things for 'home'. Jam-making - first time. Not the last.  Artist dates - one a month: Tate Modern, BBC Proms - Tribute to Nina Simone, private exhibition of a friend's work. All good. All inspiring. 

Learning of the month(s):

Don't wait three months to review!

∞

Home - getting to the heart of it

The notion of ‘home’ has always fascinated me. I believe it means different things to different people but recently I’ve become a little fixated with getting to the core of what it means for me, right now, at this point in my life.

I’m currently living in my 28th residence. At least, I’m living in the 28th place that I remember being settled in for more than 6 months. There may be one or two more that have been lost in the mists of dodgy or protective memory. One might say that I’ve had 28 homes but that doesn’t feel true to me. Some of these places felt like home, some really didn’t. When I consider what’s made the difference, it has little to do with how big or small they were, where they were in the world or how long they sheltered me. I only counted places I spent more than 6 months. It turns out this is not a useful criterion for me. I’ve felt more at home for one day on a beach or a week in a place with nothing but a suitcase than I have in some of the places that I’ve lived for many years. Sometimes it has to do with who I shared the space with but not always. So what is it that defines home?

So far what I know is:

~ It’s not where I come from although that’s indelibly etched in me.
~ It’s not always where I am, despite what other people say about that.
~ It’s definitely a feeling rather than a place but place is part of it. I sometimes feel very out of place and it’s hard to feel at home when that’s true.
~ It isn’t always where my heart is. My heart is spread across the globe with the people I love.
~ It isn’t always about having my own stuff around me but that helps. Even spreading my own sarong on a hotel bed makes it feel more like home.
~ I carry a little bit of all those other times and places I’ve felt at home with me and sometimes where I’m actually living feels closer to that and sometimes it feels quite far from it.
~ All the places I’ve felt at home have one thing in common - it’s where I’ve felt most comfortable being myself. Fully myself. Outwardly, as much as inwardly. I wish I could say that’s everywhere but it isn’t.

I’ve been musing on this for a while and then I came across this beautiful description which comes close to reflecting what it feels like to me (thank you Robyn Gordon for sharing this)

“The desire to go home that is a desire to be whole, to know where you are, to be the point of intersection of all the lines drawn through all the stars, to be the constellation-maker and the center of the world, that center called love. To awaken from sleep, to rest from awakening, to tame the animal, to let the soul go wild, to shelter in darkness and blaze with light, to cease to speak and be perfectly understood.” 

~ Rebecca Solnit

The desire to be whole. That feels true.

♡

The Vision

The vision behind the project - the big picture. Sometimes it’s the ground for what’s figural, sometimes it’s the anchor for stability, sometimes it’s the fuel for flight.

Enough IS enough - Phase One, Day One

It's kinda amusing that I'm back here, starting to document a new project when the last post is a clear indicator of how well I sometimes stick to projects. The irony is not lost on me.

Nevermind, I am okay with that.

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that the past couple of years have been a bit "challenging", to use one of my least favourite corporatespeakbullshitbingo euphemisms. That's not to say it's all been awful. Or that I feel completely awful. There have been some really, really good things going on too. But, in the words of Matt Haig, "I feel a bit crap at the moment. And I mean that. Not like mega-crap. Just a low level malaise. Mild anxiety. Mild depression. With mental health we are encouraged to feel like we have to be 100% fine or 100% ill. Reality is nuanced. We often just feel mildly rubbish."

Not exactly what one would call: Thriving. #wordoftheyear2019

I've been 100% anxious and survived full-blown depression more than once so I know this is not that and I'm grateful to be able to recognise the difference. And yet, it's not a great place to hang out for any length of time; in the mild zone. Mild and mediocre levels of anxiety and depression are not fun and can all too easily spiral down. I feel the pull of that. I feel the teeter.

I've been reading a lot, as I always do. Working with my journal, as I always do. Holding conversations with myself and and my closest allies, as I always do. Dreaming and designing alternative realities, as I often do. Tinkering around the edges of shifting the malaise, as I often do. Testing ideas, holding on to some and discarding others, as I often do. Dabbling with some experiments and not seeing all of them through, as I sometimes do. Somewhere in all of that, this project has been brewing and my energy has slowly been building. Now, I'm tired. Sick and tired. Sick of feeling this low level hum of yuckiness and tired of standing on the brink of taking some concerted action. Now is the time - 1st of June - when it feels right and I feel ready to start it properly.

It's going to be an emerging and evolving project but at the heart of it is going to be a reset and renewal. A move, not just the thought of a move, out of the mild zone and into (I hope) properly thriving. I have no doubt it's going to be a bit bumpy but I've gathered my gear, have my survival skills honed, my companions on board, and am ready for the off.

All that by way of setting the scene for what's to come and the reason for being here, in this space: to document the thing. Openly. Even if only to the 3 people who stumble across this. That feels important. I will not dissect and share each and every thought, emotion and move here (that's what my journal is for) but my plan is to check in at the beginning of each month and note the major inspirations, actions, reflections from the month before and the intentions for the month to come.

So, here we go.

Project: Enough IS enough: A year of less, to determine what's enough and create space for more… (aka Transformation to Turtle Time)

Why: Designed to tackle my mental, emotional, physical and financial health by recalibrating what’s essential to me, enabling me to become even more conscious about my consumption - on all fronts. Some of it will involve inviting in more of things that enrich and bring joy but I’m also stripping right back on some things, especially to begin with.

Inspirations this month:

• Family of my heart - all out there, living their own versions of a good life. Special shout out to my siblings both of whom are forging new paths with courage and grace right now and my friends, Deirdre, Elena and Katherine (also my business partner) all of whom support me endlessly and inspire me in so many ways through the examples they set in their own lives. 
• In the ether - Lisa Parks, for her garden and Beverly Ash-Gilbert & Robyn Gordon for their art - all three embody commitment to a lifestyle of beauty, colour and thoughtful-intent-come-to-fruition that I love to see. Also, Jo Garlike, a new friend who has been on a journey of her own over the past couple of years (still on it really) and whose determination and willpower astound me.
• Meghan Genge and her particular magic - this month especially, the Enchantment Experiment. Second-time around and I've been feeling some deep shifts.
• Sas Petherick - coach and extraordinarily perfect asker-of-questions and sounding board for me. So thankful our paths crossed. She witnessed the birthing of this project in a drawing of turtles.
• Enough by John Naish - recommended by my brother several years ago. It has stuck with me and I revisited it recently.
• A Year of Less by Cait Flanders - the audiobook I listened to this week that helped me put the last few touches on the project and push the green button on this. She has a fabulous 10 point preparation list that was especially helpful on some things for me.
• The Seasonal Soul by Lauren Aletta - a beautiful recent addition to my bookshelf that articulated some of the things I hadn't been able to about what's been going on for me.
• Matt Haig - author of Reasons to Stay Alive and one of my favourite accounts on Instagram - he cuts through the bs and noise around mental health like no other for me.
• Jacinda Adern - PM of New Zealand. Good woman, good human. Responsible for a new version of WWJD? in our team.

Intentions this month:

• Spending ~ Building on my year-long clothes-buying embargo from 2017/2018 with a broader shopping ban that means I will only be spending on essentials for the next 6 months, with a check in at that point to see if the rules need to change. 

• Essentials list: rent, utilities, food, toiletries (only when they run out, no stock-piling), gifts, my mum, donations to causes I already support (no new ones for now) and travel. 

• Explicit banned items list: clothes, shoes, accessories, books (this one will be very hard but I have a huge pile in-waiting to get through), stationery, art supplies, taxis for walkable distances (if it's light, dry, over 10 degrees C and I don't have luggage), take-away food and drink, online courses, entrance fees for exhibitions (there are SO many free things to see and do), subscriptions, candles, movies (online). I’ve created a few “golden tickets” so that, if it gets unbearable over the year, I can break into them for a mini-splurge (thanks to Katherine for this idea)! 

• Approved shopping list: includes things I already know I'll need to pay for that aren't essentials or just want to allow myself because this is not designed to be an austerity project - tickets for events I've already committed to, Kew Garden annual membership renewal, anything that breaks or wears out and can't be mended or borrowed and still needs replacing after 30 days of living without it (exception to this is tech for work), cinema or theatre (once a month), cost of clearing de-cluttered stuff.

• Letting Go ~ Reduce the stuff I already own by at least 30%. Cut down my screen time by at least 50% (because this is completely out of control!) Palm oil & plastic - continuing to consciously weed them out of my life (a substantial ongoing challenge). Unsubscribe from all emails, websites, SoMe accounts that bring temptation or don't make me feel good. 
• Inviting In ~ My yoga mat, which has been gathering dust for weeks. Time outside in a green space or near water just for pleasure, at least once a week. Artist dates, at least one a month.

Anticipated challenges this month:

• I am really NOT good with rules. I have a tendency to want to buck them, even when I’ve set them!
• I don’t generally believe in denial as a mechanism of healthy control and even though I'm so conscious of how fortunate and privileged I am to be able to make some of these choices (the picture of "deprivation" I've described above is not exactly a hard life!) I know it will be hard to cut back on some of these things.
• When I‘m not in a great space emotionally, many of the things I'm curtailing or letting go of are the things I have a tendency to turn to for a quick hit of comfort, gratification or numbing! 

Progress this month:

• Spending ~ 
• Letting Go ~
• Inviting In ~

Learning of the month:

At some point, you have to commit and jump in! This is that point.

∞

Preparing to launch

I listened to this audiobook this week and it enabled me to put some of the practical finishing touches to the project that's been brewing in me for a few months now - see next post.

My project is not about spending or not spending exclusively but that's an important dimension of it - conscious consumption.

Her ten point preparation list was especially helpful:

1. Why are you doing it?
2. Take inventory and declutter
3. Write 3 lists:

- Essentials
- Non-essentials - things you can't buy
- Approved shopping list - specific things you're allowed to buy

4. Unsubscribe from all shopping emails and sites
5. Set up a shopping ban savings account
6. Tell everyone - especially those you spend most time with - and pick an accountability person
7. Replace costly habits with free things to do
8. Pay attention to your triggers and change your reactions
9. Learn to live without (30 days) or become more resourceful
10. Appreciate what you have

♡

100 Day Project - Day Fifty Nine

Let me live, love, and say it well in good sentences

Sylvia Plath

Inspired by a writer’s residency last week to resurrect some ideas for a book that I put into a mental lockbox about 12 years ago, I find I’m actually looking forward to writing again - even in my journal - in a way I haven’t for ages.

Of course, it’s a long way from here to there, but... it’s created this tingle under my skin and a buzz in my head. I’m quite enjoying that feeling.

100 Day Project - Day Thirty Nine

I grew up surrounded by the love of my aunts and I feel their strong guiding presence every day, even now. They all offered me something different and special and I‘m so thankful for those particular relationships, each unlike any other.

Now, being an aunt myself (to those related by blood and a few who are family of my heart) is one of my favourite and most fulfilling things in life.

Right now, I’m loving that I have a few days sharing the same shores with these little feet and I hope they know that, even when there are oceans between us, I’ll always be beside them too. No matter what.

100 Day Project - Day Thirty Eight

Even after all these years of doing it, it still amazes me when I get into a large tin can with a couple of hundred other people, travel for 8-10 hours, land on the other side of the globe, and step out into a world so different from the one I left behind.

Every time, without fail, it feels like magic!