Cinema Scorned: 47 Ronin (2013) review

 

47 RONIN 2013

Keanu Reeves (Kai), Sanada Hiroyuki (Kuranosuke Oishi), Tadanobu Asano (Lord Kira), Rinko Kikuchi (Mizuki), Shibasaki Ko (Mika), Min Tanaka (Lord Asano), Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa (Tsunayoshi), Neil Fingleton (Giant Samurai)

Directed by Carl Rinsch

The Short Version: Keanu Reeves wishes he was turning Japanese as the expressionless samurai half-breed who, among the title masterless swordsmen, saves Japan from a fate worse than bloated budgeted Hollywood epics. One of the most famous Nipponese historical accounts is turned into outright fantasy replete with witches and monsters. It's also a place where everything is written or chiseled in Japanese; but everybody speaks fluent English; and no one even acts like they're Japanese despite being Japanese. Sonny Chiba's most famous acolyte, Sanada Hiroyuki gets as much, if not more screen time than Reeves does -- yet seems just as incongruous as Chiba and his modern militia did time-warped to Feudal Era Japan in SENGOKU JIEITAI (1979). Someone attached to this "half-breed", mediocre movie was obviously a fan of Japan's own historical-fantasy films like SHOGUN'S NINJA (1980) and SAMURAI REINCARNATION (1981) -- watch one of those instead. Arguably more damaging than the finished product is that Universal (wisely) failed to allow this misguided opus to commit cinematic seppuka with honor by banking on its failure well in advance of its release.

A half-Japanese and a band of samurai outcasts vow to avenge the disgrace, and death of their lord Asano resulting from a plot between a duplicitous rival and an evil witch. With Asano's daughter now promised to marry the devious Lord Kira after a years time, the banished Ronin attempt to save her from Kira's clutches.

The numerous adaptions of stage and screen for 'The 47 Ronin' have somehow led to this bizarre American concoction that, after the contamination of this bomb has settled, the brains behind it will no doubt reiterate, "It seemed like a good idea at the time". Facts are often not as interesting as fiction, and the makers of this massive misfire use facts as a crutch for a fantasy fueled framework that is about as enjoyable as taking a Sonny Chiba death punch to the nether regions.

Based on an 18th century historical event, Universal Pictures likely regrets bankrolling this highly troubled US interpretation of the oft-filmed classic tale. This is Universal's second attempt at making an Eastern style motion picture; the first being the dismal and retarded THE MAN WITH THE IRON FISTS. Just like that awful 20 million "kung fu" movie, the company fails at capturing even a fragment of the Silver Screen samurai spirit with a much bigger $175 million to throw around.

That the Japanese audience has shown disdain towards this North American raping of a classic story hopefully is not lost on the hard-headed suits in Hollywood. Universal themselves, showed little regard for their production by adjusting for huge losses well in advance of the film coming out.

The first huge mistake was attempting to film a non-American story by inserting Anglo heroism into it via The Man with the Face of Stone, Keanu Reeves. Adding to the cacophony of mismatched elements is having the Japanese dominated cast all speak English; and they speak their dialog soooo slooooowlyyyyyy. One doesn't need to be a Jedi to feel the uncomfortability flowing through the cast members onscreen. Nevermind that everything in the film is WRITTEN in Japanese. Then there are the various monsters, demons and witches populating this potpourri of pee-yew that feel out of place. The Yokai (the creatures are never referred to as such) are more Tolkienesque than anything from Asian folklore; although the usage of a fox and the witch woman's black hair that moves about on its own has a Japanese familiarity.

Taking fantastical concepts and melding them within a historical context is nothing new; it works just fine in movies like RENEGADE NINJAS (1976), SHOGUN'S NINJA (1980), SAMURAI REINCARNATION (1981) and LEGEND OF THE EIGHT SAMURAI (1984); but those were Japanese movies made by Japanese production companies. It made sense when they did it. For an American picture to use a distinctly Japanese property and deform it in this fashion is akin to the Japanese shooting a film about Pearl Harbor wherein they are the good guys and win the war with Godzilla's help; or using the battle at the Alamo as your setting, but adding ravenous vampires laying siege to the fort. How about a western utilizing an entirely Asian cast? Wait, that's happened a few times already.

Hollyweird's version of 47 RONIN never feels like its origin lies in Japanese lore, either. Despite the cast being made up of 99.9% of Nipponese performers, the body language and mannerisms are not in sync with classic chambara interpretations. The common practice of bowing is treated as some sort of drama building tool to accentuate a scene or character. The editing of some of the bowing bits feels parodic in certain instances. An instance of this is when Asano commits ritual suicide. Before Oishi decapitates him, Asano, after cutting open his belly, turns to Oishi and nods his head. Oishi does the same then cuts him. There are often these close ups of characters bowing to each other that, instead of being a simple show of respect, is shot to convey some suspenseful innuendo that will come to a head at a later point.

The costumes are also a rainbow of fruit flavors that take on a Hong Kong FIVE VENOM style of fashion sense. There are groups dressed all in the brightest blues, reds and yellows to let you know just what faction, or group they belong to. However, once the film becomes even more confused about what it wants to be, the color coding goes away, as does the films main reason for being -- supplanted by an all new storyline, and only revisiting its source when it becomes convenient towards the end.

The script is also a huge mess. Suffering a cavalcade of delays and numerous re-shoots, the lack of major set pieces makes one wonder just where in the hell the bulk of the $175 million budget went. There are action scenes, but virtually none of them feel like anything more than a medium level action sequence bridging a much bigger one that never comes. Even the finale lacks oomph. The ending is moderately satisfying, but it misses a few grand opportunities to go out with a bang settling instead for one big firecracker. An example of this would be this 8 foot, silver-plated, Daimajin-like samurai villain. His participation in a few scenes is but a tease that hints at a huge fight at the end. But upon setting up a battle between the giant and the 47 Ronin, he's blown up before a fight has a chance to take shape. What we do get is a reported re-shot finale which finds something for Reeves to do instead.

The title outcasts are also wasted in their own movie. Other than a couple of them, they are all little more than stock characters in the very film named after them. The first 45 torturous minutes is spent setting up their disgrace and then abandons it once the movie turns into KRULL (1983). From there, it's a journey to rescue Asano's daughter through lands that look nothing like Japan whatsoever. This new plot point revolving around Mika's rescue contains a weak-kneed sub-plot of a love between her and Kai, the half-breed character. So now there's all new motivation. This ultimately takes precedence over the whole restoring honor concept the movie was supposed to be about. It's only during the last five minutes that we are reminded of what the initial story was to start with.

Of the ronin themselves, we do get to (briefly) know a fat guy among them -- only because he's fat. The rest are just background dressing, and make little to no impression on the ending; where their participation should matter most. A closing title card tries to salvage some respectability by reminding us this is a true story, and this American perversion is inspired by it!

Just as bad is the martial arts choreo -- it never ignites; its wet fuse fizzling out from the usual fast cut editing of the current Hollywood standard. The only fight that's allowed to breath for more than a few seconds at a time is this galley fight between Kai and Oishi on 'Dutch Island'. Kai is sold into slavery and Oishi goes looking for him to set our story in motion. The moment we see Kai has become essentially a gladiator battling 8 foot tall Golems, the words of Mako from CONAN (1982) began running through my head -- "He did not care... only that the crowd would be there to greet him with howls of lust and fury. In time, his victories could not easily be counted." Then once Kai and Oishi begin their HK style sword duel, I woke up and realized I was watching a watered down version of what Hollywood thinks a samurai epic should look like.

The films poster is also an insult. The skeleton-tattooed character isn't onscreen even five minutes and yet he's displayed prominently on the North American advertising. Sanada Hiroyuki is nowhere to be found, and he figures as much, if not more so than Keanu Reeves does. His native country at least included him on their posters, but Reeves is still the central focus.

About the only good thing to be said about the movie is some of the effects are pretty to look at. The bulk of them are CGI overload, of course. Everything is so much bigger than it really would be. For example, the kaiju sized vessels docked in the ship yard on 'Dutch Island' look sprawling in design, but totally out of scale when humans are inserted into frame. The 3D was actually very impressive with little nuances jumping off the screen making a bigger impression than the more noticeable bits.

Speaking of Keanu Reeves, hopefully he has gotten all his Eastern mysticism out of his system by now after his directorial debut with MAN OF TAI CHI (2013) and now this RONIN train wreck.

The aforementioned Sanada Hiroyuki became famous as the biggest star to emerge from Sonny Chiba's Japan Action Club. His agility and good looks were key to his success that has spanned four decades and counting. He has appeared in numerous movies and television series' including MESSAGE FROM SPACE (1978), SHOGUN'S NINJA (1980), KAGE NO GUNDAN 2 (1981), ROARING FIRE (1982) KAGE NO GUNDAN 3 (1982), LEGEND OF THE EIGHT SAMURAI (1983), ROYAL WARRIORS (1986), YELLOW FANGS (1990), RING (1998), THE LAST SAMURAI (2003), RUSH HOUR 3 (2007), SPEED RACER (2008), and THE WOLVERINE (2013).

Tadanobu Asano will likely be most familiar to fans of Japanese cult cinema as the psychotic Kakihara from Takashi Miike's ICHI THE KILLER (2001). His work in US cinema include BATTLESHIP (2012) and the two recent THOR movies.

Rinko Kikuchi is the seductive, evil witch Mizuki, and recently appeared in Guillermo Del Toro's Japanese giant monster tribute, PACIFIC RIM (2013).

The gorgeous Shibasaki Ko (see insert) was in Kinji Fukasaku's controversial BATTLE ROYALE (2000); and US cult action fans will no doubt recognize Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa from a slew of movies appearing as a devil-worshiper in SPELLBINDER (1988) to a slew of villain roles in flicks like SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO (1991) and MORTAL KOMBAT (1995).

Virtually NOTHING in Rinsch's wretched movie feels natural, or even remotely Japanese. This applies to the score, too. It occasionally sounds like outtakes from Christopher Nolan's BATMAN trilogy. It's a shame it couldn't have had a John O'Banion song, or two; or been dotted with some other sappy Japanese pop score that was a mainstay of Japanese films and TV shows in the late 70s and into the 1980s. If anything, it would have given this sideshow act some identity with those who are familiar with the source material, or the genre in general. But then, Universal's epic bowel movement doesn't seem the least bit interested in catering to its base -- just to the mainstream stereotypes and misgivings Hollywood has long held, and will continue to hold towards a culture they will never understand, nor seem all that interested in ever understanding.

***All images from various sites via google images***

The Dis List: The Legend of the Lone Ranger (1981) review

THE LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER 1981

Klinton Spilsbury (The Lone Ranger/John Reid), Michael Horse (Tonto), Christopher Lloyd (Butch Cavendish), Jason Robards (President Grant)

Directed by William A. Fraker

The Short Version: History repeats itself in reference to this early 80s LR movie and its 2013 counterpart. Both were huge bombs, but for speculatively different reasons. One had a temperamental film star and confrontational producer, and the other tells things from the Indian's perspective... an Indian who happens to have a dead crow plastered to his head. Looking back, the 80s Lone Ranger movie is both a bore and a chore to sit through; although the Dukes of Hazzard style rhyming narration from Merle Haggard is good for a few (make that a lot of) unintentional laughs.



Ambushed by Butch Cavendish, John Reid, the sole survivor of a massacre of Texas Rangers, is rescued by his childhood friend, Tonto. Nursing him back to health, Reid and Tonto go after Cavendish and his gang to rescue the kidnapped President Grant.

One of the biggest theatrical stink bombs of the 80s, the residue is apparently still lingering since there's barely any mention of it whatsoever by the media in the wake of the new, even more disastrous Lone Ranger movie (as I was finishing up this review, I did find an Entertainment Weekly article from July 2nd covering the ill-fated production and the elusive Klinton Spilsbury). Disney's version has bigger action set pieces, but thankfully, and in its defense, the older movie has no Tonto with a dead bird stuck to his head.




Despite a lead actor who'd never been the star of a movie before (but displayed a professional level of primadonna nuances), and a producer who doomed his production by suing Clayton Moore to keep him from dressing up as the LR character, Fraker's flick simply isn't very good. At approximately 100 minutes (including end credits), it feels like HEAVEN'S GATE is unfolding before your eyes. 

Moreover, for a movie with the words 'The Lone Ranger' in the title, you'd expect a multitude of rousing action scenes. You get very little of it. But you do get lots of scenes of galloping and riding around rocky and grassy terrain. As a consolation prize, the cinematography by Laszlo Kovacs is awe-inspiring and the John Barry score soars.



Unfortunately, the score occasionally feels out of place when backing one of the least engaging interpretations of the famous LR character ever presented in front of a camera. In his sole movie credit, Klinton Spilsbury never brings the role alive. He essentially sleepwalks through the entire picture. To make matters worse, most, if not all his dialog scenes were re-dubbed by James Keach; and it's still a horribly unenthusiastic performance. 



Christopher Lloyd emerges with his dignity intact playing the title villain, Union Army Major Butch Cavendish. The film could have been moderately better had we seen more of him; and especially seen more of him engaged in more dastardly deeds than what little we do get. Lloyd's Cavendish makes the picture watchable, but it's all undone by Merle Haggard's horrid rhyming narration that creeps up on ya' every few minutes. It recalls Waylon Jennings' DUKES OF HAZZARD schtick. Below is an example of this country fried, old west rap:

"Butch Cavendish lived undisturbed wagin' his private war... and men who made mistakes were simply men he could not afford... some say he was a monster... and others call him mad... let's just say Butch Cavendish was everything that's bad..." -- apparently, someone thought this sort of thing was a good idea.

End credit watchers will spy Tom Laughlin waaayyy down the credits as a member of Cavendish's gang. Fans of 70s cinema will recall Laughlin's name and persona from a quartet of boring as all hell, leftist propaganda movies about his infamous Billy Jack character. Laughlin himself headlined a crappy western of his own entitled THE MASTER GUNFIGHTER in 1975. By 1981, he was pretty much irrelevant, and his fleeting background glimpses (background at right of Lloyd in insert, and wearing his Billy Jack hat!) in LEGEND OF THE LONE RANGER was his last movie appearance.




The action scenes in TLOTLR are few and far between, but we do get some impressive stunts on a couple of occasions. Terry Leonard's near fatal stagecoach stunt is worthy of a Jackie Chan movie. The accident where he nearly lost his leg (and his life) remained in the final cut. 



The opening is suitably brutal, but bad acting and the ridiculous, intrusive narration derail whatever seriousness the filmmakers were going for. There's another, totally separate, and equally silly voiceover that crops up just as the end credits begin that also threaten a sequel that never materialized. There is a funny Custer in-joke, though. The finale is nicely edited and fairly exciting, making good use of the classic William Tell Overture. Other than that, there's not much else good to say about this Legendary Lone Ranger disaster.

***The images for this review come from a widescreen version that aired on Showtime Extreme a few years ago. The 2008 US DVD release utilizes a fullscreen version. A region 2 DVD contains a widescreen version.***

The Dis List: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) review

 

TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D 2013

Alexandra Daddario (Heather), Dan Yeager (Jedediah Sawyer [Leatherface]), Tremaine Neverson (Ryan), Scott Eastwood (Carl), Tania Raymonde (Nikki), Shaun Sipos (Darryl), Keram Malicki-Sanchez (Kenny), Thom Barry (Sheriff Hooper), Paul Rae (Burt Hartman), James MacDonald (Officer Marvin), Richard Riehle (Farnsworth), Bill Moseley (Drayton Sawyer), Gunnar Hansen (Sawyer family member)

Directed by John Luessenhop

"Millennium doesn't understand horror. A lot of people there thought the movie was stupid. But they didn't understand the genre. People love this movie because it's Leatherface"-- Former horror actress Christina Campbell talking about her producer gig on TC3D. Apparently, the folks at Millennium were on to something.

The Short Version: Note to director John Luessenhop -- You DO NOT INTENTIONALLY turn a guy who carves people up with a chainsaw and wears their skin into the hero of your horror movie. Not only does this sequel-quasi remake ignore all the sequels, but it also dispatches with the fact that the Sawyers were cannibalistic murderers, opting instead to turn them into little more than oppressed hillbillies. Fans often root for the killer, but it's not scripted that way on purpose. There's some nice touches and nods to the original, but overall, this TEXAS CHAINSAW is a MASSACRE committed against an iconic series. This is made all the more damaging in that Tobe Hooper was an Executive Producer. Somewhere, Rob Zombie is smiling heartily.



Heather , along with four friends, travel to Texas to collect an inheritance from a relative she never knew she had. Upon her arrival, they discover she has inherited a vast mansion that harbors a murderous secret in its basement.

Hollywood really should stop making sequels, remakes, or semi-sequel-remakes to popular, or well known horror franchises. I don't care if the original will always be there, it's just so annoying when they either do the same thing all over again with barely any time between the last do-over; or they do something so radically different that there is no way in hell an audience could accept such a change -- unless you're Rob Zombie. This isn't a 'Jason in space' type change, this is a change that propagandizes the entire nature of the backwoods Texas killers of Hooper's original movie. It's even more insulting in that this film uses footage from the original as a launching pad.

"It’s all about humanizing this guy that makes the movie. He’s damaged, abused, stunted — but lethal."-- Director Luessenhop talking about lethally damaging, abusing and stunting the growth of the TCM franchise with his movie.

The change here is in turning Leatherface -- a hulking, chainsaw wielding psychopath -- into the hero of the movie. Over the years, fans have often rooted for the likes of Jason and Freddy in their movies. But those characters were not written to be sympathized with. It was mainly an audience reaction in anticipation to whatever creati-kill was coming from Mr. Voorhees, or some post-mortem wisecrack Freddy the K would deliver. Granted, this drastic alteration doesn't take over the film till around the last 30 minutes. Prior to that, it merely hints at it. While I'm on the subject of Leatherface, he is never once referred to as such -- he's called Jed, or Jedidiah Sawyer through this damn thing.



The first cardinal sin director John Luessenhop commits is ignoring the movies after the '74 original; particularly Hooper's own sequel from 1986. This one could be forgivable if the rest of the picture were competently made (HALLOWEEN H20 pulled this off beautifully); but the real slander is in how this picture seems to erase the fact that the Sawyers were cannibalistic sadists, graverobbers and all around filthy scumbags. Instead, we're force-fed into believing the Sawyers were little more than victimized hillbillies.

We see glimpses of their horror during the opening credits through quick clips lifted from the '74 TCM. Then, when the new footage kicks in, suddenly the Sawyers ain't so bad no more once they're confronted inside a recreation of the Sawyer farm that doesn't quite convince. They're bullied, overalls wearin', downtrodden hillbillies snuffed out by a redneck mob. Occasionally the film hints that the townsfolk are these insidious murderers and the Sawyers are something resembling innocent. How remarkably stupid. Towards the end, the film finally embraces this incredibly empty-headed maneuver in full force that leads me to believe Rob Zombie worked on this in some capacity; but used a pseudonym, or had his name removed altogether.

"From the beginning, it’s been a mismanaged franchise — a boat that drifted off course...the story of Leatherface should be as popular as the SAW movies...I told them we needed to put some level of integrity into the story"-- Producer Carl Mazzocone making multiple, and typical Hollywood producer proclamations when they get their hands on an established property like they're going to suddenly make it good. 




Also, it's worth mentioning Bill Moseley (Chop Top of TCM 2) steps in to play Drayton Sawyer, the role previously essayed by Jim Siedow. There's also a handful of additional Sawyer clan members (including a cameo played by none other than original Leatherface Gunnar Hansen!) who were obviously nowhere to be found in the original movie that now suddenly show up including a female with a baby in tow -- the latter of which comprises the HALLOWEEN style, familial story arc that threatens to plummet the franchise into some bizarre new sitcom for TV Land no doubt titled HOT IN TEXAS.



There are more than a few stupid things people do in this movie that you come to expect people to do in horror pictures. Some of these things push the boundaries of credibility. It may be because the director has never done a horror film before, or because he watched Rob Zombie's movies as research. 

The most ridiculous is the group of four friends leaving a hitchhiker -- whom they just met the night before -- ALONE in Heather's just appropriated mansion filled with all sorts of expensive items.

The addition of the hitchhiker was a nice touch, and one of a handful of nods towards the original movie. The Darryl character is meant to throw us off in order to get the audience to believe this scenario will play out in a certain way; ie the hitchhiker plot device introduced in Hooper's original. It's probably the most ingenious thing the film does right, but then Luessenhop ruins it all by indulging in typical 'stupid horror movie people' cliches. With six writers they couldn't have simply left ONE of the four friends at the house with Darryl the thief? There are others, but this one stood out the most.

"I believe we made a classic monster movie. Many TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE films have exploited more of the slasher aspects of the genre. This one doesn’t."-- Carl Mazzocone in LA Times article. Even more condescension towards the series as if this motion picture is going to redefine the franchise.

The chase scenes are nicely done and the 3D is only terribly gimmicky once Heather is in the graveyard. You know she's gonna hide in the casket, and you know the saw is gonna be ripping through it at some point, and you know it's gonna be comin' at ya. There's even a brief moment where Jed gets all FLYING GUILLOTINE and throws his deadly whirring steel at a target. 



Everybody's a good looker in the main cast. This is possibly one of the major reasons today's horror pictures cannot match the raw power of those from the 70s. In those movies, the actors all looked like people you'd see on the street. They looked real, and not like models. However, mainstreamers who may not have grown up when these movies first came out, or hit video, will likely prefer the newer style. The acting in TC3D fails to convince most of the time, although Alexandria Daddario manages to be the most compelling ably assisted by her stunning eyes and lithe frame (and what a stomach!).

"...if we make another it has to be as good or better than this one and that takes time."-- Executive Producer Mark Burg from a portion of what I assume is supposed to be a serious statement. Considering the films near 80% drop at the box office in its second week, the prospects of another one are slim to none... and slim just went out for a cheeseburger.


The nods to Hooper's original are welcome and pay respect to the series (the body in the freezer, the unnerving camera flickers), but this films finale is simply offensive and annoying. Leatherface is not the Frankenstein's Monster; a pitiable creature patched together by a scientist with delusions of grandeur. He's a homicidal killer, and that's it. 



I found it horribly irresponsible that the writers and director would even attempt to turn an insane miscreant (he is in fact wearing the skin of his victims) into a protagonist. It's also incredible that a movie studio would greenlight such an idiotic premise with such a plot device. As stupid as it is for Rob Zombie to do this same thing, at least he never tries to hide the fact that his killers are anything more than the scum of the Earth.

As it stands, TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D (they can't even be bothered to put the word 'massacre' in the title) now shares a padded room with the fourth official entry, TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE NEXT GENERATION (1994) as worst sequel of the series. What's also bizarre is that a sequel was prematurely announced a few days ago bearing the title of TEXAS CHAINSAW 4! Its few good moments are not enough to salvage a riotously ridiculous movie made by people who've never done horror before, people who don't even like horror, and people who are supposed to know horror. Producers Christina Campbell and Tobe Hooper I am looking at you.

***Poster and movie images: google images***
 

The Dis List: Silent Night (2012) review

 
SILENT NIGHT 2012

Jaime King (Aubrey Bradimore), Malcolm McDowell (Sheriff Cooper), Brendan Fehr (Deputy Jordan)

Directed by Steven C. Miller



The police force in a small Wisconsin town try to stop a serial killer in a Santa Claus outfit who has a yearly affinity for traveling from one town to the next slaughtering seedy individuals, both young and old.

The Short Version: Yet another remake -- and poorly conceived at that -- is vying for your money this holiday season before adorning the bottom of those cheap bins at Wal Mart's across the nation. This Ho-Ho-Hokum has a killer Santa who keeps giving the gift that keeps on killing at five and ten minute intervals. It's a terminally stupid, plotless movie with some of the shakiest camerawork in the west in addition to being something of a remake (reimagining?) of the mean-spirited 80s slasher favorite, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT (1984). Compared to that film, this Bad Santa's second rate slay ride sucks Jingle Balls.

About thirty minutes into this shit covered Christmas fruitcake, I pondered shutting it off, but figured I'd soldier on in the hopes it would get better -- it didn't -- which is a shame, as this movie was one of the more eagerly awaited remakes on my list. The "in" thing these days (particularly for horror filmmakers) is to remake any older film, whether said vintage movie warranted it or not. The original SNDN is often considered a mediocre movie, yet I think it's one of the best slashers of the post 1983 boom. There's been an alarming number of them these last ten years with some hits and a lot of misses. SILENT NIGHT falls squarely into the latter category.

Aside from two scenes, this production isn't even remotely similar to Charles Sellier's controversial movie. This new Killer Chris Kringle flick gives nods to other Christmas-centric and 80s Santa slayers like BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974), SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2 (1987) and even BAD SANTA (2003) of all things.



One of these two scenes consists of a remake of the originals creepy grandpa opening sequence (only this new one comes later in the picture). For this new movie, it feels intrusive and serves no purpose but to acknowledge the '84 film. In a way, the awkward nature this and other scenes are inserted makes sense considering SILENT NIGHT often feels like it was put together by an editor who drank a little too much egg nog. 

The acting in this sequence -- like a lot of it in this movie -- is laughable and almost feels like a bad MAD TV skit. The character featured is only seen twice: here, and also as part of the second scene cloned from the original.

 

This other scene involves a pair of deer antlers. The big difference here is the actress is clothed when she's hung up on the wall. This scene is also stupid in that the actress makes a big deal over thinking her boyfriend has gotten from one room to the next without her seeing him; yet somehow or other the killer manages to beam himself from INSIDE the bathroom, to hiding BEHIND the bathroom door without either of them seeing him in plain view.



Nods to the stock footage heavy SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2 are also gift wrapped and ready for those with that hilarious sequel on their wishlist. These include an electrocution death that's accomplished miserably by no doubt the best in computer "technology". The other being a reference to "Garbage Day".



The best thing about this holiday horror-ible movie is the look of the killer with his creepy plastic mask. But the filmmakers are bound and determined to screw that up, too. With all the blood spraying around, this renegade Santa either frequents the laundromat between takes, or he has a Batman closet filled with red and white Santa suits. 

The scenes where our homicidal Saint Nick torches victims with a flamethrower are howler worthy as well. The CG'ed fire shots are real knee-slappers, too. The outfits of certain characters must be made of some Titanium alloy, futuristic fireproof material. The camera lingers on more than one occasion showing clothes that stubbornly refuse to burn (see insert). I smell a future infomercial hosted by an easily excited Australian guy. 



The death scenes are equally insulting such as the killer chasing a half-naked woman in broad daylight and NOBODY sees her, nor are there any cars or signs of life anywhere. In reality, if a half-naked, lingerie clad woman is bouncing around up and down the street, doors are gonna open and the probability of traffic accidents increase dramatically.



This naughty girl runs onto a lot selling Christmas trees and nobody's around there, either. Granted, there's a sign that says 'gone to the parade', but again, it's as barren as an Italian post apocalyptic movie here. It's virtually I AM LEGEND territory till the victim is disposed of in a scene generously aided by some shitty CGI. So three cheers and a yay for crappy effects work.



Another scene has a little girl snuffed out -- again in clear day time hours and with her mother in the house. The death of this child (an incredibly obnoxious little girl, mind you) is never mentioned again till later in the film well after the sun has went down. Why there's this huge time gap is anyone's guess. Now on to the performers.

One familiar face emerges as the films sole bright spot... and it ain't Malcolm McDowell.

Jaime King is no stranger to horror remakes. She's starred in two of the best -- MY BLOODY VALENTINE (2009) and MOTHER'S DAY (2010). She delivers the only believable performance in this nonsensical remake, despite being given bread and water to work with. Her police officer character mopes around the entire film teetering close to a breakdown, yet we never find out what her deal is till the very last scene in what amounts to another late-blooming stroke of editorial genius. 



The actress somehow shines through it all, even making Malcolm McDowell almost look like an amateur by comparison. She even manages to keep a straight face when McDowell utters lines like "Don't put avocado on the burger!"

McDowell's character is written as if Rob Zombie's Dr. Loomis has now taken a job as the sheriff in a small Wisconsin town. He gets increasingly nuttier as the film plods along. Speaking of Rob Zombie, you'd swear he did a rewrite on this yuletide mush. The dialog also imitates Zombie's "style" with some truly atrocious lines. Seemingly everybody in this town are rude, lack class and the slightest hint of good manners. 

For whatever reason, the killing of characters the audience feels for is alien to scriptwriters for these modern horror films. When you only write uninteresting, emotionally defunct, or outrageously callous characters (such as the expletive spouting, materialistic little girl) to be killed by your star killer, you strip the 'horror' right out of the film leaving only a string of gory "money shots" to gauge the films entertainment value.

 

Speaking of this small town, exactly why in the hell do they need a dozen or so Santa's walking around? From the look of Cryer, Wisconsin, it's no bigger than Mayberry, North Carolina. Not only is there a small army of Santa's, but for such a tiny town, there's this Mos Eisley level of scum and villainy populating the hamlet such as porn filmmakers and drug dealers.



Other than the killer's cool costume, the photography is nice to look at aside from an annoying blue beam of light that acts as some form of censorship during some of the kill scenes. There's also a jarring level of what has popularly become known as "shaky cam". There's moments in this film where it looks like the cameraman was having a sugar fit, but kept filming anyways.

SILENT NIGHT is one of these sloppily compiled horror movies that gets by with easily pleased fans who only seek some gory killings. There's really only one truly spectacular effect in this movie and most of the others are bland, or proudly wear their CGI origins on their sleeves. SILENT NIGHT is akin to one of those presents you get from your crazy relative, or Mother-In-Law covered in cheap wrapping paper that you ultimately end up passing on to somebody else.

This review is representative of the Anchor Bay DVD.