Me and My Broken Heart

I haven't posted much in the last few months. My most recent excuse is: I was in the hospital about a month ago. I actually thought I had a heart attack. The doctor also thought I had a heart attack.

Turns out, I got an infection in my heart. So, now I need take it easy for a while and take some medicine so my heart can heal.

When I first got out of the hospital, I was feeling great! I was feeling so much better than I had been feeling in a while.

Now, even though I am continuing to make excellent progress physically, I seem to be doing this dance with self-pity. Being despondent and stuff... boy, that can really consume one's schedule!

So, you know, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... I am struggling.

Cardiac muscle has the capability to regenerate. Whatever damage may have been done to my heart  muscle, over time, it can actually completely heal. I realize this bodes well for me and the recovery of my physical heart. A few weeks ago, I thought about how perhaps this could also be true for me and my heart emotionally, spiritually, etc. You know, perhaps my non-physical heart could grow new muscle tissue, too, and, God-willing, heal itself.

The idea sounded so wonderful at the time. Of course, I assumed that my non-physical heart had already received an extravagant amount of rest and pampering. So I figured healing should be right around the corner.

I confess I made this same assumption about my physical heart, too. I expected everything to be totally fine and completely healed. But a recent cardiology appointment yielded an EKG that isn't "normal." My doctor said I'm doing well. He seems pleased with my progress. I'm just not doing as well as I thought I would be doing.

I know. Healing takes time. And even then, while a full recovery is likely, it isn't guaranteed.

I guess healing can take more time than I plan.

I don't like that. I want things to happen within my time table.

I know, I know... I know, I know... I have control issues. I need to surrender it. I need to "let go and let God."

I know these are things intellectually. Living them out emotionally and spiritually, however... that is much different.

Well, That Was Quick.

I don't remember feeling the fur coats but I do seem to have tumbled out of the wardrobe.

I think I'm glad about that... I am glad. I am glad about that.

It's weird just because, to quote one of my favorite people: " I KNOW depression. It almost feels more familiar to me then contentedness or happiness or any of the happy shiny "ness's"."

But, it is better. To be on this side of things.

I know myself well enough to know that my location isn't stagnant. So, I appreciate being here. Lord knows I'll find myself somewhere else again.

For now, there is peace. And serenity. :)