Me and My Broken Heart

I haven't posted much in the last few months. My most recent excuse is: I was in the hospital about a month ago. I actually thought I had a heart attack. The doctor also thought I had a heart attack.

Turns out, I got an infection in my heart. So, now I need take it easy for a while and take some medicine so my heart can heal.

When I first got out of the hospital, I was feeling great! I was feeling so much better than I had been feeling in a while.

Now, even though I am continuing to make excellent progress physically, I seem to be doing this dance with self-pity. Being despondent and stuff... boy, that can really consume one's schedule!

So, you know, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... I am struggling.

Cardiac muscle has the capability to regenerate. Whatever damage may have been done to my heart  muscle, over time, it can actually completely heal. I realize this bodes well for me and the recovery of my physical heart. A few weeks ago, I thought about how perhaps this could also be true for me and my heart emotionally, spiritually, etc. You know, perhaps my non-physical heart could grow new muscle tissue, too, and, God-willing, heal itself.

The idea sounded so wonderful at the time. Of course, I assumed that my non-physical heart had already received an extravagant amount of rest and pampering. So I figured healing should be right around the corner.

I confess I made this same assumption about my physical heart, too. I expected everything to be totally fine and completely healed. But a recent cardiology appointment yielded an EKG that isn't "normal." My doctor said I'm doing well. He seems pleased with my progress. I'm just not doing as well as I thought I would be doing.

I know. Healing takes time. And even then, while a full recovery is likely, it isn't guaranteed.

I guess healing can take more time than I plan.

I don't like that. I want things to happen within my time table.

I know, I know... I know, I know... I have control issues. I need to surrender it. I need to "let go and let God."

I know these are things intellectually. Living them out emotionally and spiritually, however... that is much different.