Undecided Emotions

Some days I decide to be blissfully happy.  Some days I decide to be deeply depressed.  Some days I can't decide what to be.  Some days I know exactly what to be.  Some days I want to feel loved.  Some days I want to feel numb.  Some days I feel life is easy.  Some days I feel life is hard.  Some days I can't decide what I feel.  I wish I could force all these emotions away.  I wish I could just wake up one day and be perfectly content.  I don't know how it's possible to feel so many different feelings all at once.  Like a prism...all the colors of the rainbow hitting me at once.  Happy bright colors mixed with sad, dark colors engulfing me at the same time.  Suffocating me.  I realize I don't get the option to decide what I want to be.  It is decided for me by unnamed forces.  A tug-of-war of emotions each one pulling me desperately in their direction. Trying to win me over so they can suck up all of my energy and leave me breathless with no clue how I got there.  Exhausted from the battle within my head, my heart, my soul, my body.  I put up a strong front to fool everyone else.  Trying to prove I am strong to everyone including myself.  Am I just fooling myself?  Do others see my frailty?  I fear that they do.  Deep down I know they do.  Deep down I know that everyone sees it.  They see every character flaw.  They see every poor decision I've made.  They see it all.  Why do I care?  I know I shouldn't.  Everybody has a dark side.  Everybody has flaws.  Why do I feel like I need to hide mine all the time?  I know I've made mistakes...billions of big mistakes mixed with trillions of little mistakes that seem to snowball together making every new mistake bigger and bigger.  It seems like with every new mistake I burn out a flame that once burned...leaving a vast distance of ash and ruin between the people and things I love and me.  With every little mistake I make the distance grows.  Pushing me away from what I love most.  Pushing me from the people I love most.  Leaving me isolated.  Feeling sad, lonely, angry, lost, exhausted.  The light inside of me is completely burned out and every time I try to relight it the isolation and sadness becomes stronger.  Pushing harder.  I should just be happy to be alive.  I almost lost my life years ago and I should just be grateful for my body, for my soul, for my breath.  Some days I am incredibly grateful.  Some days I feel more blessed than I deserve to be.  Some days I feel like such an incredibly lucky being.  Just when I think I have my emotions in check the light changes and hits the prism and I get disoriented all over again, overwhelmed with all the colors of the rainbow, and the tug-of -war begins again.  So I grin and bear it while my soul gets stretched out in a million different directions while people don't see the reasoning behind my inner battle and thinking I'm just being dramatic over nothing.  The problem is they don't see it.  They don't see the chemicals in my brain playing their vicious games every day.  I did this to myself by putting on that strong front and wearing a smile all the time while incapable of explaining the war raging on in my head leaving scars on my body and face destroying my inner beauty.  To them it's simple.  Just relax.  Don't worry...be happy.  If only it was as simple as that.  I wish it was.  So I continue to let the battles rage on like wildfire burning and spreading deeper and deeper within me all the while keeping up appearances of a woman who is put together and strong and happy.  And here I sit with undecided emotions running through me.  Let the fire rage on inside from the battles past and present...one day I will find peace.  One day there will be no more undecided emotions.  One day I will decide and I will be beautiful again.

Depression Is...

Depression is ugly. It's not like the commercials that make it look simple. Just take a small pill every day and it's all better. It's not. Depression is pain. It's mental pain. Physical pain. Emotinal pain. You take that little pill and it makes you numb to the pain...most of the time...but it also makes you feel numb to everything else. And when the medication isn't enough you are left to fight on your own. You lay in bed all day just trying to get up enough energy to get up and get in the shower. Then when you've exhausted all your energy just showering you just want to lay down in bed again. You don't even bother getting dressed. You just lay there exhausted. Worn out. You just want to sleep even though you've slept plenty and you can't sleep anymore. You know you have a million things to do because you've felt like this for days and have been putting off all of your tasks because you just physically can't do it. You wish you could just snap out of it. You loathe yourself because you feel like you're just being lazy. But it's not just being lazy. It's physical inability to move no matter what the motivation. You want to get up. You want to get out of the bed...out of the house...out of the area. You want to go make healthy choices. You. Just. Can't. You feel guilty for being unable to do anything which just adds to your pain. Depression is feeling ugly. Depression is feeling worthless. Depression is feeling tired all the time. Depression is feeling guilty. Depression is feeling like you're suffocating...smothered. Depression is feeling heavy...like a metal weight dropped on your body. Depression is sadness. Depression is having no control over your emotions. Depression is feeling sad for no reason at all. Depression is crying for no reason. Depression is knowing that life is good and hating it anyway.

So when you hear that someone was clinically diagnosed with clinical depression: Don't judge. Don't try to fix it. Don't push them. Don't give up on them. Just be there for them.  Show them you care. Hug them. Call/text/email them. Be gentle. Be loving. Be supportive. Don't force them to talk about it because 99% of the time there's nothing to talk about. They need your love. They need your understanding. They need your love. They need your support. They need your physical presence...even if it's to sit in silence watching a movie. They need you. They need help. I need help.

Pleadings of A Tortured Soul

My friend posted THIS blog-post on her Facebook and I wanted to share it with you all because I think that this post was very well written and I agree with a lot of what she has to say.  As I commented on my friend's post on Facebook post:

 I love that she is pleading for fellow members to be understanding and compassionate and to get off their soapboxes to help other members feel loved and accepted instead of judged and unwelcome! I think if people really watched the way they phrase their comments in talks/lessons and pay attention to what message is being sent to other members by the phraseology of their words the church would be much easier to take for me. I am one of those that feels that if I were to truly be myself at church I would not be accepted and would be judged harshly for it and it makes me feel as if that's a direct hit to myself. I feel like when I am a little bit too open with my personality I am being judged and they won't accept me for who I really am and you know, I don't believe I'm a horrible person. I believe I have faults and I believe I am not anywhere near perfect but I like who I am for the most part. I do despair when I make mistakes but I don't believe that I am condemned by them. I don't believe that because I may not be fully integrated into the church that I am any less spiritual than the members who are fully integrated. Even know as I'm writing this I'm afraid of how people will look at me. I just agree with her when she says that certain phrasing and actions really can make or break a person's experience with the church. I hope the church leaders are really open to new changes especially the one she talked about with having female support for women in bishop counsel meetings. I think it would help women everywhere with what they are going through.

Read the blog-post HERE.

I'm not saying that the entire church needs to change I just feel that there are certain aspects of the church that could be improved by just taking a look at it from others' eyes.  I think a lot of things also get misinterpreted in its teachings because we're all different human beings who interprets things differently and that can cause some members to act in ways that may give the church a bad name with non-members or in-actives and I think that if we take time to really think before we speak/act it could make a huge difference in how others view and feel about the church.  I know it would make it easier for me to go to church every week.   So let's take time to self-reflect and make church a more welcoming and accepting place for everyone.  Isn't it worth it to try?

Life

I've been thinking a lot lately...I'm trying to figure out if I'm just having a mini midlife crisis or if I'm just going through a period of self-reevaluation or something...but I am having huge anxiety about it.  I've been thinking a lot about my life and who I am and who I was and who I want to be.  I've been trying on different personas since I got divorced and I think now that I'm officially 30 years old I am getting anxious to find the right fit.

When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted, exactly who I was, and exactly what I wanted to do in life.  Most people who have gone through a divorce will probably agree that it is the most earth-shattering and life-changing experience they have ever gone through.  It shook up my entire being.  I lost all touch of who I was before and turned into this big sloppy mess of trying to be something but not knowing what.

Sometimes I miss who I used to be...so resolved in what I believed and my personality...but knowing what I know now...I don't like some of the things I used to be.  I miss having that knowledge of where I belong, who I am, and what I stand for but I now wish I could feel all those things but with a better judgement or understanding of life and a lot more tact than I used to have.

Ever since the experience of losing the one person whom I thought I couldn't live without I have been on a constant quest to figure out who I am and get me to a better place in life.  I've learned so much.  I learned that I can live without him.  I can love someone else.  I am stronger than I thought.  Life is uncertain.  Life is something to be cherished.  Love the ones you are with in the best way you can.  Don't let fear rule your life. Think long and hard about decisions before you make them.  Don't expect anyone to read your mind...if you need or want something in your life then you need to say it without hesitation.  When things go bad they can always get better.  Don't vow to yourself that you will never make mistakes again....you will.  It's OK to make mistakes...as long as you make them right in the end.  Treat everyone with love and respect.  Don't forget to have a good time every once in a while.  Love the body you have...it's the only one you get.  Treat yourself fairly...don't take on the entire world but take on some of it.  There is hope.

Today I did something brave.  I started a text conversation with my ex-husband to say some of the things that I felt were left unsaid.  Don't worry...it wasn't a blame-fest.  I am not 100% sure why I did it but I think it was to get resolution.  I said some things I felt I needed to get off my chest and I think he did, too.  I think that even though I'm swimming in treacherous waters...going to a place that most people wouldn't just to find some answers/closure...it's been good for me.  Granted, I've been bawling all afternoon because it's so scary talking to someone from your past and wondering if they have hateful things to say to you or if they have good input for you, you're bringing up emotions from the past, and you are unsure of what you're going to find out about yourself...I feel it was necessary to have this conversation in order to find myself again.  Oddly, I do feel a bit more calm than I have in a long time.  I'm still freaking out but I feel like one piece of me is getting quiet among all of the chaos going on inside me right now.

I talked to Jonathan about my conversation with my ex and he completely understood and is behind me 100% on my decision to text my ex.  He is such a great husband for me because he actually understands me and he stands by me through all of the ups and downs.  He has been a great companion and friend and I will always be grateful for him.  He has been so patient with me through all of this soul-searching of mine.  I really appreciate him and his ability to love me even with my quirks and meltdowns.  I am so lucky.

So here I am...trying to sort out my life piece by piece.  I figure I will start with facing my past to clear out my present and make room for the future.  The journey will be long, I am sure, but I believe it will be well worth it so I can move on and live life to the fullest.  Let the journey continue.

Counting My Blessings

Today I've been trying to count my blessings.

1 I am so lucky to have such an amazing husband
2 A nice apartment to live in
3 Decent cars that get us from point A to B and back to A again
4 My amazing family who takes good care of us and who we take good care of as well
5 My amazing in-laws who we love and miss so much
6 Our jobs and the great coworkers/friends we get to share our lives with
7 Modern medicine to heal all of our health issues
8 All other modern technologies to help us keep connected to our friends and family near and far
9 And for all of our opportunities

Even through our hard times it seems that we are making so much progress.  There is one thing in particular that we are working on right now that only a few people know about but we are so excited!!  Hopefully we'll get to share some good news soon but for now we don't want to jinx it.  We are just so very lucky and even though my depression/anxiety and Jonathan's bipolar gets the better of us some days...we try to remember just every blessing we have in our lives right now.  Hopefully the blood clot in my leg will heal soon so we can start exercising and getting a 5k in the plans for this summer!!  Wish us luck!!

Conference & Cupcakes

I LOVE General Conference for my church! It's a good time to relax and listen to wise words from church leaders and on top of that it gives us time to make Halloween cupcakes with my husband, sisters and soon to be brother-in-law! We spent yesterday afternoon decorating cupcakes while watching conference and though we aren't professionals we did a pretty good job and had a lot of fun. Here are some pictures of them:

As you can see...we are far from professionals but we had a good time and made some funky cupcakes!  I had so much fun with it!

Conference, as always, had a lot of great words of wisdom and spiritual messages.  I love watching conference.  It's one of my favorite parts of my religion!  To learn more about my religion click HERE.

Quick Update...More to Come (Hopefully Sooner Rather Than Later)

I just wanted to do a brief update today.  I am really going to try to post more and get more pictures going on here (once I find my camera).  For right now I'll keep it short.

Good news!!  Nate and Amber have their twins!!  They are so cute and I'm so happy for them!!  I love to see pictures of them on Facebook and Instagram and I couldn't be happier for them!  Congrats Amber & Nate!!

Jonathan and I ran our very first 5K on September 8th with my oldest and youngest sisters and my two friends Shaun and Daniel!  It was SUCH a great experience!!  I had some obstacles to overcome while I was training for this event...I had a month long pneumonia/pleurisy and two blood clots in my arm from the IV in the emergency room the first time.  Three ER visits later and a follow up doctor's appointment later I started to heal.  As soon as I was better I caught a cold that lasted for a week.  I started training the following week and while training I injured my foot...strained the fascia...and was told by the Dr that I needed to stay off of my foot for about a week...which was the week of the 5K.  I listened until Thursday of that week and then I got my butt on the treadmill that day and Friday.  The race was Saturday morning on gravity hill starting at the Capitol and ending at Memory Grove.  It was beautiful...and HARD!!!  Hahaha!!  I walked most of it and got done in about 40 minutes but I crossed the finish line with my sisters holding my hands.  They were literally my motivators during the whole thing.  I was so proud of myself for going through all of that and still pushing through to the finish line!  What an amazing experience that was!!  For any interested...the race was for Racing With Passion and they now have a picture of my sisters and I crossing the finish line hands clasped on their little slide show on their homepage and on their Facebook page.  Here's the link to the website!

Jonathan and I have been getting in control of his bipolar a little better so we are doing much better now.  Every now and then we have hard days with it but it's really started easing up since he got his job as the Academic Adviser at the Utah College Of Massage Therapy which provides a steady paycheck and decent, steady hours (he'll be going to days soon which means 8:30-5:30 Monday-Friday with no weekends and that will REALLY make a huge difference).

Other than that, there's not much going on.  I'm still working full time at the bank and I love my boss and coworkers and that is a great thing for me!  I will post more in depth later but that's just to give you a quick update!