Missing Link in 300 Words or Less

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It's understandable that Laika would swerve towards a goofier spot on the animated totem after the relative artiness (I say with awe-struck admiration) of the studio's last feature, the gorgeous and moving Kubo and the Two Strings -- any animation studio doomed to repeat itself churns out nothing but shrieking time-fillers, cough cough. Bring on the pratfalls and poop jokes! That said I'll admit the breezy tone and boisterous colors of the trailer for Missing Link put me off at first -- I worried my beloved Laika might be selling out, especially alongside the weird small flood of Bigfoot and Bigfoot-adjacent animated movies hitting all of a sudden. Might Laika has misstepped? Truly a fool's query at this point in time -- of course they didn't. 

Missing Link is a rich strange and funny addition to their now classic roster, full of enthusiastic action sequences set against stunningly rendered backdrops -- the adventure seeking Sir Lionel Frost struts and strides across the globe, picking up his sidekick the sasquatch in (barely) disguise Susan along the way, and every environment, from the stuffy smoke-rooms of a quasi-Victorian London to the desert west to the hard sharp off-white peaks of Tibetan majesty ring with glorious detail; from the craquelure of shattering icicles to the hump-headed lake monsters lolling eyeballs down to the thousands upon thousands of seamless facial expressions making these folks crackle and pop, Missing Link is magic. Even when you're not simply dizzied by the world-best skill on display you're tickling your funny bone with split pants puns. It's yet another enchanted everything - we are, to put it mildly, not worthy.

I Am Shocked, Just Shocked...

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... that David Fincher wants Rooney Mara to star in his American remake of the brilliant brilliant BLOODY FUCKING BRILLIANT British series Utopia for HBO. I can't imagine what character he wants her to play either. It's a mystery!

Oh wait you mean to say that the lead female role of Jessica Hyde is kind of tailor-built for a Rooney Mara type creature? Right down to the bangs? Is that what you are saying? Why you may be correct.

Anyway the most important role in the entire series for me is that of R.B. (pronounced Arby, like the roast beef) - in the original series Neil Maskell played him as a terrifying boy-man and he was just so good, so so good, you couldn't look away. I will have to give some thought to an American actor who could pull it off. My first thought is somebody who's a comedian so we don't take him seriously at first, only to prove this is somebone we should take seriously quick-like... maybe Zack Galifianakis? Or somebody Zack Galifianakis like, but sapped of everything but dead-eyed weirdness.

I could keep going on about the cast for the original, and how great and perfect they all are individually and as a unit (ROSE LESLIE) - I still don't see the need for this series to be remade at all; it's in English and it is PERFECT. Fincher ought to just slap a "David Fincher Presents" onto the original and get it released here in the US. I honestly believe the show didn't get a third season because of his intention to remake it; I don't care if the reality of that statement is all conspiracy-theory bollocks. He did it!!! I actually haven't ever watched the finale of Utopia's second season because I am mentally unprepared to be done with the show yet. Some day. I'll probably wait until right before Fincher's version shows up. Me, held at gun-point.

And You, This Is What I Think Of You, Birdman

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It begins with a drumming sound, pa-pum, pa-pum, pa-pum-pum-pum. It's arrhythmic, shaky, and it pulses with strange colors. What you see, it spins, quivers - the edges are blurred and your eyes dart around, looking, looking, you keep looking, and looking, and looking. And looking. Help never comes. It's a fucking heart attack, or maybe it's a bird a plane a movie called Birdman -- it doesn't matter any more, all you know is it's you or them, you or Alejandro González Iñárritu, one of you have got to go, and much like Alejandro González Iñárritu you are way too attached to you and your special-snowflake-selfness. So you think hey, I know, I can take the DVD out of the DVD player and I can eat it, I can grind it up between my teeth and chew it until I choke on it, and maybe everything will be better then? Maybe the room will stop spinning and the poison, the quickened pulse of bile burning your throat, maybe it will stop, stop, stand stock still, maybe? No no it spins, it spins, pa-pum, pa-pum, pa-pum-pum-pum, they keep chattering, the noises, the voices, the bug-eyes and the incessant I-Know-Better bullshit pouring out of every single orifice, it never ever stops, never not ever. This is what death is for monsters. Monsters that have it coming. We all went on a long trek through the wilderness, we fought valiant battles, we climbed the mountain and forded the river and slept on the hard stones and cried ourselves to sleep in each other's arms; many were lost on this journey, those we loved some and those we loved a lot and those we only kind of liked, but not really. We fought and we wound our way and we found the uniquely sparkly sword buried under the sands of time and Instagram filters; we tripped and fumbled our way through mazes and mutinies -- and we found it! We found the monster! And we killed it! And it is dead! And it is us, all over us, death and monstrousness, spittle and inanity, unceasing, rocking in our seats, pa-pum, pa-pum, pa-pum-pum-pum, unceasing, serious as a poodle in a miniskirt sipping on an apple martini.

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

The Hangover (2009)

Stu: Why are you peppering the steak?

You don't know if tigers like pepper.

Alan: Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.

I hate The Hangover movies, but I love Zach Galifianakis. Such a conundrum. (Not really.) Anyway Zach turns 45 today and maybe you think he's as sexy as I do, in which case you'll want to hit the jump; I found some NSFW stuff I hadn't seen before! Happy day, Zach!

I Am Link

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--- Always Looking - I'm halfway through this chat with Jonathan Groff at Playbill about all the stuff he's been up to lately - there's not much new info about the second season of Looking but it's nice to know the cast has actually become friends; he says they're on their way to Fire Island together right after the interview which, damn, I wanna bump into the Looking cast on Fire Island. As somebody did -- that picture to the left (via) being proof.

--- Summer Snow - As long as I don't crap out on it (I'm not feeling well today) I'll be seeing Bong Joon-ho's Snowpiercer a second time tonight this time on a big screen here in NYC with BJH in person (here's my original review of the film, which is terrific and I def. recommend - if for Tilda alone!) so linking to this piece on the movie at EW seems timely.

--- Live Wires - It's not a movie version of those a-hole characters they played on SNL but Jason Sudekis is in talks to co-star in a heist comedy with Kristen Wiig - actually the level of his"co-star"'ing isn't entirely clear since the movie is already set to star Zach Galifinakis as an armored car driver and Wiig as his love interest - it doesn't say where Sudeikis fits in. 

--- New Old Prey - Writer-director Shane Black says that his reboot of Predator isn't really a reboot but is actually a sequel. But as they point out at that link unless they get Arnold into it it will be starring a whole new cast and the only thing they'll be carrying over is the creature (and not even the original one since Arnold killed it with bombs) so yeah, basically a reboot. Just referincing the events of the original film - ooh look a scorched jungle! - does not a sequel make. Although in typing that I suddenly remember there was a second one with Danny Glover! I totally forgot that existed.

---  Big Fella - I don't even know why I'm linking to this interview with slab-of-meat Derek Theler - I mean I know why, but I feel as if I need some excuse if it's not just to ogle him. At least he's entirely clear with his place in the world as a slab-of-meat, and he comes off well in there, so I don't have to feel too gross about it. Dude is 6'4" and 240 pounds of nothing but muscle. I don't feel bad! Click here for lots of pictures of him.

--- Movie Pride - Over at The Film Experience Nathaniel the list-lover tackles a couple of recent ones - I'd seen and trembled in fright at the one of the 100 Greatest Movies according to some Hollywood folks (this is why the movies coming out of Hollywood suck so much - so little imagination up in there) but I'd missed the list of essential LGBT movies.

--- Free Mila -  I'm with Daniel at Salon on that interview with Mila Kunis that everybody's calling her a bitch for - how fickle we are; wasn't it just a few months ago that she was an interviewer's darling? God forbid she not have patience for some dumb questions. One lousy turn in an Oz movie and one lousy looking trailer for a Wachowskis movie (and let's be honest, nobody wants to see her with Ashton Kutcher) and suddenly we're all out for blood.

--- And Finally ooh look a new Nina video! I loooove this song.

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I Am Link

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--- Mag Men - We know that Dane DeHaan and Robert Pattinson have been filming that James Dean movie for awhile now (hell we've already gotten an official picture of the two of them in it) but that's not stopping new people from being cast in the film - on Friday it was announced that Joel Edgerton will be in the movie too, playing Pattison's editor at LIFE magazine (the movie's about Pattinson's character photographing Dean, played by DeHaan, on a road-trip). And hey look we already have pictures of Joel on the set! The world works fast.

--- Calm The Storm - There are rumors bouncing around that Halle Berry's role as Storm has been reduced to a glorified cameo in the new X-Men movie, which I agree would be awesome - but it seems that's all this is. That is, a collective wish the internet is making that we can be done with her lousy take on the character. Team Lupita!
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--- Yellow Fever - Over at The Film Experience Nathaniel tackled Denis Villenueve's twisty new film with Jake Gyllenhaal called Enemy; I reviewed it awhile back too but I kept that spoiler-free and I really want to write up something of a spoilery nature now that I've seen it a second time, getting into what I think it's all about, so if I can find the time keep your eyes peeled for that.

--- Meat Dress - A movie is being developed about the therapist who treated the real-world inspiration for Buffalo Bill, the killer from The Silence of the Lambs. (You know, the one not naked Hannibal Lecter.) I actually don't know anything about this creep, so I'm gonna go fall down a rabbit hole now; expect me to have nightmares tonight.
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--- Sex Dad - I guess this means we won't be seeing a whole lot more of Nicholas D'Agosto's beautiful bared bum and side-part (in that order) on Masters of Sex, but we will be seeing him in his new venture, since he's joined the cast of Greta Gerwig's upcoming sitcom How I Met Your Dad. I am super wary of this project, so I hope they prove my fears unfounded. Adding Nick is a nice way to start.

--- Claws Retracted - Sure enough Hugh Jackman's talk of aging out of playing Wolverine was only talk, or at least very far future speculation, because he's already trying to sell us on another character-centric movie to come out in 2017 or 2018. He'll be reteaming with The Wolverine director James Mangold on it. Whoopty doo.

--- Go Lowe - Today is the 50th birthday of Rob Lowe and I'm sure I won't have time to lavish on him so it's a good thing Nathaniel did so over at The Film Experience, giving us A History Of. That man has lived a life and a half. I suppose I might as well link to those pictures of him in a jockstrap and beyond since we're here though, right? Right.

--- Spies Like Them - Superbad director Greg Mottola is making Keeping Up With the Jonseses next, which will star Jon Hamm and Zach Galifinakis as neighbors who discover the other one's family are government spies. (No word on who's the spy and who's the non-spy.) Who should play their wives? Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy seem fairly obvious - probably too obvious, I think. And MM is making a spy movie already. There are tons of under-used funny ladies out there besides them anyway. I mean just cast the other two in Bridesmaids - Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne. Done.

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Good Morning, World

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A happy 44 to Zach Galifianakis today. I never said anything about it because I've been terrible about reviews over the past few weeks and if I wasn't writing a review for something substantial than I wasn't going to write a review of something as insubstantial as The Campaign, but I finally caught that Galifianakis-Ferrell political comedy from last Fall recently and it had way more laughs than I was anticipating. It's all pretty forgettable but it hit some sweet spots while it lasted.

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And Speaking Of B Coop...

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... for the second time in as many days he's been caught sans clothes in Brazil promoting that terrible three-quel of his. (See previous.) This is what Michael Fassbender held in his hands and pressed against himself.

Relatedly, did you see the pictures of the Zach Galifinakis and Ed Helms at the beach yesterday? Their eensy swim-trunks are so ridiculous I almost feel as if they're making fun of Bradley's similar promotional "duties"...

Frisky Franco

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Have you watched the latest episode of "Between Two Ferns" with Zach Galifianakis and his guest James Franco? As with all things Franco it swerves quickly into unadulterated gayness, and we get to see all of the guys from The Lonely Island getting gay-married. It's not really that funny (the funniest BTF will always and forever be the one with Charlize Theron) but I wanted to take a screencap of James Franco kissing Akiva Shaffer, so here we are.

Vote Galifianakis

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Not much time to blather on just now but lucky you, I did have time to blather on earlier today over at Celebrity Beehive where I talked this week's movies. Hit it. Have a great weekend, everybody! And if you see something, say something...

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I Am Link

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--- Dunce Capped - I saw the word "Galifianakis" in a headline yesterday and didn't click on it because I'm in a lull in my Galifianakis like after several very bad movies - why did I watch Due Date? I was just asking for trouble - but now I see that was a mistake, because this isn't just any crap, this isn't Due Date 2 or The Hangover 3, this is the long as in as long as I've been alive practically gestating film adaptation of John Kennedy Toole's masterfully funny book A Confederacy of Dunces. Vulture lists all thirty years of this project's production woes - John Belushi died! John Candy died! Chris Farley died! Will Ferrell was too skinny! - so let's hope that our boy Zach is taking care of himself. James Bobin, the directer of The Muppets, is attached to direct, while the writer of Cedar Rapids is on scripting duties.

--- Stars Their Destination - Who'd have think that David Cronenberg's muse post-Viggo would be the sparkly vamp? He's set to make another movie with Robert Pattinson, this one set in France. The Playlist thinks it might be his Map to the Stars, which he's been angling to make for a few years, which is a thriller about Hollywood agents. I'd have thought that DC would've wanted to work with Michael Fassbender again but maybe Fassy's just too busy slash expensive now.

--- Hot Teddy - The ;GI Joe sequel - with my boyfriend Lee Byung-hun as Storm Shadow! - has been delayed to next year because they want to slap some 3D onto it. Boo. The good news I guess is that Seth MacFarlane's foul-mouthed teddy bear movie Ted has been moved ahead a month to fill its spot. Although I haven't decided whether I'll be seeing either of these movies so why am I even bothering? (Question for the ages, that.)

--- Cyber Guy - Gary Oldman is going to be in the Robocop remake. He's playing the scientist who creates the cyborg cop. Maybe he took the job because it offered the opportunity to man-handle hot piece Joel Kinnaman? That's how I'm going to read it.

--- Pissing on The Paperboy - I had zero to negative interest in Lee "Precious" Daniels' new movie The Paperboy with Nicole Kidman Matthew McConaughey and Zac Efron, until I read this extremely negative review of it, calling it "a disastrous flop" and pre-accusing anybody of enjoying it on camp terms of being a villainous simpleton. I do love the opportunity to be both of those things! But come on, Nicole Kidman PEES on Zac Efron. How am I missing this movie?

--- Preteen Wolf - Twelve year old Mason Cook, who was in Spy Kids 4, will play the wolfboy Eddie Munster in Bryan Fuller's Munsters reboot called Mockingbird Lane. I've never seen him in anything, but he looks the part.

--- Zombie Woman - Hey look it's Michonne! Speaking of looking the part. Now we just have to wait and see if the damn show knows what to do with her.

--- Rimming Charlie Hunnam - I stopped reading this official synopsis for Guillermo Del Toro's giant monster movie Pacific Rim about halfway through because good lord it's a lot of ridiculous nonsense and I hope the movie takes this stuff as seriously as my rolling eyes did and doesn't spend a bunch of time relating this gobbledygook. Just give me the big things with weird limbs smashing each other, please! Oh and Charlie Hunnam making out with Idris Elba while you're at it. Thanks!

--- Forever Lost - My bud Sean looked back at the finale of Lost yesterday for its two year anniversary and I can't even tell you how right on I find every single word he had to say. Whenever Lost pops to mind I'm all, oh yeah that was a thing I liked, and then I feel bad.
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I Am Link

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--- Weiner Movie - Matt Weiner that is; He's the guy who made Mad Men and now he is making a movie called I Am Here that will star Zach Galifianakis as a no-doubt well-bearded man-boy and Owen Wilson as a crooked nosed side-smirker. Also, the indefatigable Amy Poehler on drums! Oh and Bradley Cooper isn't in it but it felt wrong to cut him out of that picture.

--- Joe & Juli - Goddess Julianne Moore is in talks to play Joe Gordon-Levitt's lothario mentor in his directorial debut, which we'd already heard also has Scarlett Johansson on board as one of his lady conquests. I love the idea of Juli teaching Joe how to be a man-whore!

--- Space Rating - I've stopped reading articles on Prometheus because there's been too much story revealed and I'm willing myself into ignorance, but here's Ridley Scott talking about whether the movie will be rated R or PG-13, which reminds me of this interesting piece at Gawker the other day where fourfour's Rich talked about just how much more money PG-13 movies make.

--- Clyde's Tale - It's only two weeks into the new season and I've already missed the boat both times but here's the latest episode of the terribly fun series Hit Me With Your Best Shot at The Film Experience, this time for the stone-cold classic Bonnie and Clyde. Oh, Clyde. I don't care if you can't get it up! I will hold your gun for you anyway!

--- Safety First - A friend of mine already saw Safety Not Guaranteed and loved it, so I'm looking forward to it terribly, not that I wouldn't have been anyway, what with it starring Mark Duplass and Aubrey Plaza and being some kind of lo-fi spin on Back to the Future. You can watch the trailer here.

--- New Breed - Apparently Clive Barker is going to try to make a TV series based on Nightbreed, his 1990 movie based on his 1998 book Cabal. I've seen Nightbreed but I don't think I ever read Cabal? Is that possible. Anyway this will have a lot of sex and gore and sexy gore and gory sex in it, I'm sure. Maybe he can get David Cronenberg back to play the button-eyed terror!

--- And finally - Holy shit, my friend Sean is going to be covering A Game of Thrones for Rolling Stone! I've only been sending you over to read his writing on this show since forever so this is obviously all my doing. Seriously though congrats to Sean and y'all go forth and read his piece on "The Seven Most Awful Things People Did on Game Of Thrones Season One." (Only seven?) Oh and here's a picture of what I've wished was waiting for me inside every present I have ever opened:

Joe Manganiello Five Times

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The news that Joe Manganiello couldn't screen-test for Zach Snyder's Superman because of a scheduling conflict with his True Blood shooting, thereby losing out on the role to Henry Cavill, seems as good a time as any to post these shots of him I've been sitting on (heh) for a bit.


He's such a genetic freak. Maybe he can play Wolverine's nephew or something in Darren Aronofsky's upcoming ballet with Hugh Jackman's pecs. I'd pay good money to see them spar. Anyway True Blood had best make it up to Joe this season by giving him something to do. And that something had better be naked. In related news, I saw Carrie Preston last night! I probably shouldn't be as excited about that as I am, but still. I am. Arlene!

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I Am Link

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--- No Robo - Lotsa news from big directors today; first up it looks like Darren Aronofsky really wants to make a movie about a robo-man - he was attached to the Robocop remake for a long while but that's gone nowhere so now he's set himself up to direct an adaptation of online novel Machine Man, about a genius that replaces his own body parts with machine parts. He'll probably do this after he does Wolverine 2, if he does indeed end up doing Wolverine 2, which still hasn't been confirmed by anybody but Hugh Jackman. Although in this instance Hugh Jackman's probably a good source.

--- Batman 3 has a name! Batman 3 has a name! A name that isn't Batman 3! And when I first scanned over the headline I read it as The Dark Knight Rinses so that's what I'm calling it. See Batman battle the evil Scrubbing Bubbles!

In reality, it's called The Dark Knight Rises and Nolan himself made it clear that The Riddler will NOT be involved. io9 has word that he's been busily auditioning lady types for a lead role in the movie. For what role? Nobody knows. I hope it's Rachel Dawes' melted corpse, personally.

--- In The Na'vi - Jim Cameron will be making the second and third Avatar movies his next priorites, he says. Best milk the blue cow quick, Jim.

--- Man Wood - When we first heard word of this Snow White and the Huntsman movie my first thought was ooh, the woodsman has always been a sexy beast. And now comes word that they're trying to get Tom Hardy for the part and indeed, sexy beast. They want Jolie for Snow White and I love Angie but isn't she a little old for this?

--- Fur & Felt - Zach Galifianakis is gonna be in the new Muppet Movie. Have they recast Rolf after all these years? Noooo!

--- Boos By Buzz - Final Girl's continued counting down the Greatest Horror Movies Ever, as voted by us, and yesterday we got a special peek at you-should-love-him Buzz from Camp Blood's list and man it's great, and man it's making me realize what a limp noodle my own list was. I should've been more eccentric, chose more exciting things, and not just gone with all the standard choices. I go blind at the prospect of lists every time. Wow I just made this all about me. Ha ha my blog, et cetera.

--- And finally, I'd never seen this mock prequel to The Birds either, so thanks for sharing, Nathaniel. Hitch Geek that I am I spent a full minute trying to figure out why they'd chosen the North By Northwest music for the trailer til it struck me that duh, The Birds has no music! Just the sound of (you guessed it!) birds.
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Baby Zach Makes Boom Boom

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It's Friday and that means we're taking a look at this weekend's new releases over at Celebrity Beehive. Life As We Know It didn't actually come out months ago and isn't gathering dust on your DVD shelf at home, a guilty purchase for just the Duhamel in underwear scenes, because it's only out now, if you can believe it. Can you believe it? Also, other junk. Check it! Wreck it! Then scrub your nethers and move on.

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Bartha Boards A Dark Horse For Solondz

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Justin Bartha, he who got lost and then found in The Hangover, has just joined the cast of Todd Solondz's next flick, Dark Horse. What's nice about this news is we have news on Todd Solondz's next flick! No more sitting on our thumbs for years, scouring for scraps. Actual forward momentum! Hooray! Also in the cast says that link are Jordan Gelber and Aasif Mandvi, both of whom are vaguely familiar from a billion point five things. But there's not really any word on what the movie's about. We'd heard the title from Todd before, but he kept his yap shut then too. No doubt somebody's getting molested.

But let's get back to Bartha. He's now starred with Bradley Cooper in two movies so it's pretty obvious they're totally doing it, right?

Riiiight. Anyway here's some more Bartha just cuz.

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The Man Show

I have a half-day today - all Summer long half-day Friday woo! - so I'm gonna be outta here in just a couple of hours. Yes, after not posting all day yesterday I'm planning on abandoning you again! The monstrosity of it! I know. However could I make up for it? How about a collection of gratuitous pictures that I've gathered from several different sources of several different fellows this week that I haven't gotten around to posting yet? Okay! Good idea. First up, JJ had a massive gallery of images of Andrew Garfield's new campaign with the clothing company Band of Outsiders yesterday. Here are just a couple of the pictures. I love him so much already.

There are loads more at that link. Next up, here's Ryan Phillippe on the set of some movie where he also walks around with his pants unzipped, doing some push-ups against a plastic tray, via PopWrap:

I loooove this picture of Jude Law and Sienna Miller:

Hysterical! She looks so trashy. Which is what I like about her, whenever I like her, which isn't too often. But I think they make a perfect couple. Anyway JJ has a bunch more here with slightly better looks at Jude, but that picture's the prize. And speaking of funny, these pics of Paul Rudd and Zach Galifianakis from the new GQ made me chuckle:

Back to the beach!
Here's Josh Hartnett lounging earlier this week:

I definitely do not see enough Josh Hartnett. And finally, did you know that Joe Manganiello now of True Blood fame is 6'5"? That means his chest is approximately thirteen feet across. Jesus Christ. Here he is at a baseball game earlier this week:


And here are the shots of him without his shirt on from last week's True Blood. He is just ridiculous. My god.

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