Buy My Shit

Just a quick heads-up before I head home to collapse -- I spent some time this weekend re-organizing my out-of-control physical media collection, and so yes I listed a heap of movies and such on the ol' eBay for sale! Click here to check out what could be yours yours yours for the low low price of whatever I'm asking for it or a relatively reasonable offer you make instead. I was surprised that some of the stuff I listed was selling for quite so much but I promise you everything is priced according to what it's been going for, and like I said -- make me a good offer and I'll bend! (That's what I'm always saying.) Viva fuckin' cinema, yo. 

Good Morning, World

Videos of people getting plaster masks applied are a quick hop to Panic Attack for me -- that scene in Sofia Coppola's Somewhere remains one of the scariest scenes I've ever suffered through -- but I'll make a damn exception for Richard Madden somehow making this terrifying process sexy on his Insta today. I'm assuming this is for the miniseries Citadel, which I shared some pipin' hot fireman photos from on Twitter recently, but who knows, it could be an old video for his Marvel movie Eternals too. Not sure why he'd need a full face mask for either, though...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Somewhere (2010)

Johnny Marco: What's that book about again?

Cleo: It's about this girl that's in love with this guy.

But he's a vampire, and his whole family's vampires.

So she can't really be with him.

Johnny Marco: Why doesn't she become one too?

Cleo: Because she can't. He doesn't want to turn her

into a vampire. And if she gets too close to him,

he won't be able to help himself.

Johnny Marco: Oh, man.

Sofia Coppola's Somewhere came out 10 years ago today. This movie remains terrifically underrated, don't you think? Every Sofia Coppola movie remains underrated, but this one even among the norm. I still have full on panic attacks when I remember the scene where Stephen Dorff gets his face covered in goo.

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Cecil B. Demented (2000)

Honey: How can you be a drug addict in
the new millennium? It's so retro.
Lyle: Before I was a drug addict, I had so
many different problems. Now I just have one
-- drugs! Gave my life a real focus.

Unless he manages to pull one more film out of his singing asshole Cecil B. Demented will remain John Waters' second to last film, and Cecil B. Demented is turning 20 today. It got a limited release in nine theaters on August 11th, the year 2000, went wide that Labor Day -- "wide" in this instance meaning it made it into 82 whopping theaters across the country -- and managed to net less than two million bucks. Worldwide! 

It was a flop, and having only just seen it for the first time about five years ago I can't entirely argue with it flopping -- I think its my least favorite John Waters movie? Granted I would rather be locked in a room for months with the worst John Waters movie than be forced to watch a single Michael Bay movie just once, so these markers are circumstantial to the nth. There's fun stuff to be had here. Sporadically. I believe I've got some CBD fans here on the site though, don't I? Speak up for your movie! I love being told I am wrong. And what would you call John's worst movie?

10 Off My Head: Social Distancing Tracts

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Once upon a time we told people there was safety in numbers, but the Coronavirus has laid that old chestnut in its final resting place, RIP. Welcome to the Age of Social Distancing. We're now encouraged -- the word "encouraged" feels ridiculously inadequate -- to keep the depth of a grave, six feet, between our bodies and those of strangers at all times. How this will shake out in the long run is anybody's guess, I'm no future theorist, but I do know that the Movies have been telling us about the danger of large crowds for ages and that, as a lifelong misanthrope and wannabe shut-in, is a subject I do find myself particularly versed in. So here, a list of such lessons, to make us feel a little better about our self-isolating this Sunday... next Sunday... the Sundays after that...

10 Movies Scenes That Encourage the Keep Away

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The Birds (1960) -- You're not exactly safe when you're alone (see that attic scene) but every time people gather into groups in Alfred Hitchcock's 1960 animal-attack masterpiece is when those lil' birdies really drop out the stops -- Cathy's birthday party? Check. Everybody shut up together in the diner in town? Check. Hell even five people standing around in a living-room is too much, too many. But it's the one-room school house full of innocent little kiddos where Hitch unleashes his most morbid fury -- close the schools, he cries! Risselty rosselty, or else!

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The Matrix Reloaded (2003) -- Nothing most people would define as "bad" actually happens during this scene from the Wachowski's second Matrix movie -- people dance and have sex and feel oh so sexy, ooh la la -- but I'm not most people, and this scene in this movie always set my phasers to cringe. So much tattered knitwear and embarrassingly sloppy touching. No thank you I say! Keep those fingers to your damn self, Harold Perrineau!

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An American Werewolf in Paris (1997) / Blade (1998) -- The admittedly killer opening scene of Blade always gets credit for this conceit, that of mythical beasts (in Blade's case vampires) luring unsuspecting humans into being the surprise main course for an orgy of bloodbathery. But the slightly underrated (if only for how damned cute Tom Everett Scott is in it) American Werewolf sequel actually did it a year earlier with its lycanthrope dance club called Club de la Lune that locks its doors as the moon goes full for its monthly monster feast.

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Scream 2 (1997) -- One of my favorite things, as an introvert with isolation tendencies already baked in, about living in a big city is the way you can feel absolutely alone even in the most crowded of places. I once, in the middle of an emotional breakdown I won't get into, took a train ride to Times Square and sat down among the tourists and had my breakdown there, unobserved, and there was real comfort in that disappearing act. That said this same idea has its horrible flip-side, maybe never better observed than in the opening scene of Scream 2, where the masked killer manages to brutally murder Jada Pinkett Smith's character in full view of a swarming whooping-it-up crowd without anybody even noticing until she drops dead in front of the movie screen.
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Blow Out (1981) -- Similar to that above scene from Scream 2, the deeply downer final act of Brian De Palma's 1981 master-class in tension editing sees Nancy Allen's character snatched by the murderous John Lithgow in the middle of the great big Bicentennial festivities in downtown Philadelphia, fireworks exploding around them as he strangles her to death, her would-be hero John Travolta unable to get to her in time because the damned marauding parade people that won't get the hell out of his way. RIP Sally, you queen.

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Messiah of Evil (1973) -- Somewhere between a zombie movie, a cannibal flick, and a Body Snatchers sorta film, only doing it with more style and hallucinatory strangeness than most of those much as I love 'em all have conjured, this Willard Huyck & Gloria Katz directed freak-out classic sees some unsuspecting tourists getting more than they ever might have bargained for while visiting the remote seaside "artist's colony" of Point Dume, California. (Dume, Doom -- get it?) Like an episode of Dark Shadows written by Hunter S. Thompson on a real bad trip, we see them set upon one by one by ravenous but surprisingly well-dressed and coiffured ghouls -- the two stand-out scenes involve a supermarket and a movie theater, the latter seen above in all its "who's that suddenly breathing down my neck" glory.

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Midsommar (2019) // The Wicker Man (1973) -- Our pal Stacie Ponder of Final Girl calls them "Town with a secret" movies -- the just mentioned Messiah of Evil is definitely one as well -- where a stranger comes to a remote place and unravels its dark mysteries always just a second too late to save themselves. But you add the white-eyed fanaticism of religion to the mix, like this double-feature does -- see also some of those Mrs. Carmody scenes in The Mist -- and you've got a real recipe for craving a safe cloister somewhere far, far, far away. That moment when you look around yourself and see only mad smiles smiling back? I say no thank you.

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World War Z (2013) // Train to Busan (2016) -- Zombie movies are the pinnacle of Social Distancing cinema -- they've been warning us about the way crowds can gobble up our guts ever since Barbara got trapped in that farm house, and I could've done a list of only them. But none of them have gone to quite the extent that these two recent entries have in detailing a literal crush of bodies -- monstrous stampedes stretching as far as infinity, even towering up into the sky. Busan's train station scene is particularly notable -- the way the hordes spin and smash and flop through glass and keep coming to swallow us up.

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The Host (2006) -- I've always felt more mixed towards Bong Joon-ho's much heralded monster movie than most people but there's no denying the triumph of the fish monster thing's first attack in broad daylight in a heavily populated waterside park in Seoul, South Korea. Tossing out every rule about how much of the monster we're supposed to see until its late-film reveal this scene happens only eleven minutes into the film, immediately showcasing the monster in all its CG glory, and telling us right upfront that there is no safe place to stand.

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Society (1989) -- The one that brings them all together -- It's a town with a secret! It's cannibalism, it's hallucinatory, it's a single-minded horde! It's the misbegotten sexiness of The Matrix's rave scene smashed up with the misshapen tangle of bodies in Train To Busan! It's the social critique of Pasolini's Salo as play-acted out by Garbage Pail Kids cards. It's all of those things multiplied by Cronenberg, divided by Lynch, straddling George Romero's throbbing metaphorical member. It's the most insane scene I think I've ever seen in a movie in my entire goddamned life, and somehow it's on YouTube right now. I don't know how, but it is. Brian Yuzna, you absolute nutter, bless.

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What are some of your favorites?

Tell me in the comments...

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True Scoot-tective

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Fresh off flashing his fuzzy bum at us on Godless our sweet boy Scott McNairy is headed back to the tube-that-boobs for the third season of none other than True Detective! You might recall this about me but I fucking hated the first season of True Detective that everybody was so nuts over - I was firmly established in the "Matthew McConaughey sucks balls and not in the good way" camp way before the other cool kids joined me. After that there was nowhere to go but up and I, once again against the communal grain, thought the second season a mite better - its main tragedy was it was kind of boring and to tell you the truth I remember very little about it at this point except for Colin Farrell's sad mustache. 

Aww sad mustache. Anyway despite that sordid history I'm excited about a third season because, well Scoot now obviously, but because the main detectives (Scoot's supporting) will be played by the piping hot two-some of Mahershala Ali & Carmen Ejogo.

And then besides those two gorgeous and captivating creatures in the lead, and besides Scoot, and on top of the also-cast Stephen Dorff who we've always got a wet dick for, the entire show is being directed by the great Jeremy Saulnier, the director behind Blue Ruin and even better says me Green Room. Green Room is the poo, take a whiff, y'all. I be in.

Vampires Kiss

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Stumbling upon that picture of Stephen Dorff and Wesley Snipes on the set of Blade in 1998 was what convinced me to use Blade for this week's "Beauty vs Beast" over at The Film Experience -- I mean it helps that it's Snipes' birthday today and everything, but knowing I'd have a reason to post that picture was the real incentive. I like Blade a lot though. Especially Dorff in it. (I think it's clear at this point where my vote went, right?)

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I Quit Smoking Nine Years Ago Today

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Tis that time again, folks -- every year on May 5th we celebrate the anniversary of my having quit smoking on this day in the year 2008. How do we celebrate it? We celebrate by posting a great big gallery of beautiful men making smoking look like the sexiest goddamned thing on the planet. Yes we know this is a weird way to celebrate, but we're weird.

You know this. Anyway if you'd like to peruse the former galleries you can do so right at this link. (I have finally, after nine years of this, giving the posts their own tag. Nine seemed like a good enough number.) I can't believe we're working towards 10 years smoke-free now - that's basically as long as I smoked in the first place. (The first couple years smoking was just a thing I did when I went out drinking in college, so a "start date" is as hazy as smoke itself.) 

I'm a quitter! A wonderful quitter! Hurray for me! But don't y'all be quitters - y'all go ahead and take a deep breath and hit the jump and take in the great big lung-bursting gallery of nearly ninety pictures... (now that I save up pictures for these posts all year long they get bigger every time)...

Good Morning, World

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A happy 52 to one-time dreamboat Matt Dillon today (with a special shout-out into the ether for Wild Things, my beloved Wild Things) -- these pictures are a 1983 shoot by photographer Bruce Weber, and as I looked them up I found this little factoid: Sofia Coppola says she styled Stephen Dorff in Somewhere after this shoot. 

I don't really see it, but maybe there's a specific moment in the film she's talking about. Anyway she's of the perfect age to think "Matt Dillon" when she thinks "effortlessly cool," so it makes sense. Hit the jump for three more pictures from the shoot...

I Am Link

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--- Body By Ryan - They've already started filming Deadpool haven't they? Well whatever the case this picture of Ryan Reynolds at the gym got posted online today (via) and that's what he will presumably look like under all the gross Deadpool make-up and spandex. At that link Ryan also states he definitely wants Deadpool to be Rated R again, which I know is supposed to be for language and violence since the comics have both but come on, if you get an R you can flash just a little ass, Ryan. It's the least you can do, really.

--- Horror For Hire - James Gunn, the director of Guardians of the Galaxy (and more importantly Slither) wrote a script called The Belco Experiment and he's just found his director-for-hire and it's totally Greg McLean, the director of Wolf Creek, aka my silver-fox Aussie fave. (thanks Mac) Crikey! That's some good news! Last we'd heard about McLean he was going to make a Wolf Creek series for Aussie TV which we do hope is still happening but he should be doing movies too.

--- Cut Up - We've been surprisingly fascinated by the casting process on the new Texas Chain Saw movie - I say "surprisingly" because these things never really employ actors, at least not on purpose; usually it pretty young things like Matt Bomer or Mike Vogel or [fill in the blank with names of people you will never ever remember]. But the French filmmakers (they made the pregnancy nightmare Inside) behind the upcoming prequel are gathering up some interesting folks (Angela Bettis!) and wow I just over-sold the news that Stephen Dorff has signed on in the lead (which is not the titular maniac, apparently.) I mean I like Dorff, but your mileage most likely may vary. 

--- Blonde Addition - I might have to go out and buy the actual printed issue of this month's Esquire because not only did they put Tom Hardy and his beard on their cover but they also did a fun Q&A with Anna Faris (thanks Mac) where she talks about her husband being a bed-hog (he can hog my bed any time, says everyone), lesbian porn, and Harry Styles, not necessarily in that order.

--- Big Baby Ansel - This was already rumored back in January but now it's been totally confirmed - he of the impossible name and creamy cheeks Ansel Elgort will star in Edgar Wright's next film called Baby Driver. There's also slightly more about the plot at the link then we've known so far - it sounds like this is Edgar's stab at a car-centric caper. I have loved everything Edgar's done and I have absolute faith in him, so bring on Baby Cheeks Elgort, I'm in.

--- Small Screened - If you're curious what went wrong with Noah Baumbach's adaptation of Jonathan Franzen's book The Corrections for HBO - which he filmed a pilot for that starred (deep breath) Ewan McGregor, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Chris Cooper, Dianne Wiest, Rhys Ifans and Greta Gerwig (phew) but the network ultimately passed on anyway, somehow - here's Baumbach's take on what happened. Basically it was too expensive. I want that pilot released into the world anyway dammit!

--- Deep Sole - In honor of Cinderella and her glass slipper (and also Nathaniel's undying affection for lists) here's his Top Ten Movie Shoes, which is not topped by what you think it will be. I never knew about the soles of Uma's Kill Bill sneakers before! My personal favorites didn't make the list though....

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

I Shot Andy Warhol (1996)

Candy Darling: Dear Diary, I try to get what I want, whenever it's possible. I have always found that socially unacceptable people make the best lovers because they are more sensitive. I can be happy and fulfilled. I will never doubt it. I can not afford to. Each thought, each movement turned into a great moving force. Love Candy. 

Today is the 62nd birthday of the wonderful director Mary Harron; my first thought (always my first thought) was to celebrate using American Psycho...

... but then I realized she's got several great movies under her belt, let's spread the wealth. Truth be told I haven't seen I Shot Andy Warhol since it came out in 1996 which good grief, I've got to rectify that immediately - I doubt I knew then one-tenth of what I know about Andy Warhol now, and I'm dying to see how it plays from a more knowledgeable perspective. I mean I'm sure ISAW was the first time I'd even heard of Candy Darling or Paul Morrissey, can you imagine? Anyone seen it lately?

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Who Wore It Best?

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Bloody Bladed Vengeance?

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poll by twiigs.com

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A happy 40 to Stephen Dorff today!

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Gratuitous Nate Parker

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If your name's not Idris Elba... well for the 99.9-point-infinity of us not named Idris Elba or not named Person Who Gets To Sleep With Idris Elba, that truly sucks. But internet-wise, if your name's not Idris Elba and you're a black actor, the internet sucks for exploiting you. Idris seems to have broken that barrier - it's pretty obvious he's going to be a big star at this point - but for the other lesser known fellows, it's tough out here. Take for instance Nat Parker (since that's who we're here to take, after all.) I've seen Nate Parker in several movies at this point, but he finally really caught my eye in Ain't Them Bodies Saints (my review), where he plays a confidant of Casey Affleck's character, all while rocking a hot 'stache and really swell pair of vintage trousers.
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(Perhaps I should say "swollen.") Only then was I like, oh right, I've seen him in two other movies this past year - Spike Lee's Red Hook Summer and Arbitrage. Besides those he's also been in George Lucas' WWII flying adventure Red Tails, The Secret Life of Bees, and the Terrence Howard swimming movie Pride, which the finest pictures I have to share come from.

He was also in the prison movie Felon, and now that I've seen the following picture of him and Stephen Dorff in that movie, Felon's become a must see.

Oh and he was apparently an All-American wrestler... 

... so where are those pics dammit?
I did manage to find this one...

Which only proves how badly we need more. But back to my original point - there's not a whole lot of Nate Parker to be found on the internet. He's got a couple of interesting movies lined up - Liam Neeson's next team-up with the director of Orphan, and a movie written by Nicole Holofcener - so maybe, hopefully, fingers crossed, the world and the lagging internet will catch up. Like, he could totally play Black Panther or Luke Cage for Marvel, am I right? Anyway until then here's what we got, after the jump...

Good Morning, World

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Somehow this picture of Stephen Dorff had eluded me up til yesterday. One day you think everything's fine, your life is put together, you're living... the next day -- wham, everything changes. You find out what nothingness you'd built it all upon. It was just like that, finding this picture. Existential gratuity, y'all. Click to embiggen... your mind.

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Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... using Stephen Dorff as a flotation device.

(via) I don't even really know what that's a euphemism for, but I totally mean it. These are from his movie Rites of Passage, which also has skin from Travis Van Winkle and Wes Bentley; see several more shots o' Dorff after the jump.

I Quit Smoking Four Years Ago Today...

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... and every May 5th since I've posted a series of photographs of sexy men smoking in honor of my accomplishment. You can see Year One right here, you can see Year Two right here, and you can see Year Three right here. I haven't touched or wanted to be touched by a cigarette even once. Chantix is a miracle drug, you guys. Seriously. I only killed three hobos while taking it.

Yadda yadda I've gathered up a pretty substantial batch of pictures this year so I'm putting the rest after the jump! Here's to another year of clean (with regards to cigarettes and nothing else) living! 

With Vincent Price As Haymitch

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Have you guys seen EW's gallery of prospective posters for The Hunger Games if it had been directed by other directors in history? They've got the Hitchock and Fincher versions, and so on - the above one is the Roger Corman version and it's definitely my fave. "She-devil Deathmatch in the Blood Arena!" is so so awesome. And JLaw makes for a fine retro-flavored lady.

So this won't surprise any of you but when I wrote up this week's new releases for Celebrity Beehive I wrote a whole bunch about The Hunger Games therein. I mean, it's not exactly out of turn - this is the movie's moment. I know some of you guys have seen it already - feel free to share your opinions in the comments. 

Other movies out this weekend (although they're all in limited release) are The Raid: Redemption, which I almost saw last night but crapped out on because I am so lazy, and The Deep Blue Sea with Rachel Weisz and Tom Hiddelston, which I was supposed to see a couple of weeks ago and, uh, crapped out on because I am so lazy. Good grief. I am so lazy!

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Immortals in 160 Words or Less

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The main problem with Immortals is how dreadfully serious it takes itself. It's often ponderous and dull when it ought to be reveling in its spectacular silliness. It is often spectacular, and is very often silly, but as for the latter it's in spite of itself - the thing refuses to crack a smile, even when it's cracking skulls. But man does it crack some skulls! The battle between the gods and the titans (Spoiler? Oh whatever) is a majestic opera of gore and honestly enough reason all on its own for me to tell you not to miss this thing on a big screen in 3D. That is if Henry Cavill and the other dudes magnificent decolletage wasn't enough reason... which it totally is. Man alive y'all, Henry Cavill. Man. Alive. Henry. Cavill.

Alright that's why I kept the beefcake train of thought to the end, because now I can think of nothing else to say. Man Alive Henry Cavill. Man Alive... Henry Cavill...

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How Does He Keep His Teeth So White?

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Hey! You! I know you know I know you know that I normally don't write over the expanse of Saturday slash Sunday, and I'm not, not really, this is all a dream, but a dream where in I whisper in your ear that I never directed you to my weekly piece at Celebrity Beehive on this weekend's new releases, and you oughta go read it. The long build-up to Tarsem's beefcake-a-thon Immortals is consummated hard. There's also Lars Von Trier's breathtaking Melancholia, which I reviewed here, which is so completely worth two hours of your life. Plus tallest drink of moneyed water Armie Hammer is getting gay and there's a new Herzog movie to boot! It's like you can almost pretend there's not the worst looking Adam Sandler movie ever made also coming out. Almost. Anyway I know several of your horny bastards (self included!) will definitely be hitting up The Movie Where Henry Cavill's Constantly Dirty And Shirtless, so feel free to share your thoughts here in the comments. I'll surely have somethin' to say myself, at some point. Surely. That is what I do.

A Pec Of Poking Peepers

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There is a whole lot of talk of comparing nipples and waxing chests and ghost grandmothers checking out their grandsons in this interview with Stephen Dorff so, uh, that means you should read it obviously. But the only thing I want to make a point of this is the first time I think I've realized that Immortals is in 3D! I don't think I'd noticed that before...? That's really weird. I suppose I was distracted by other things when talking about this movie before. But now I realize that all those other things that were distracting me are going to be in 3D, poking off the screen at me, and I smile.

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