5 Off My Head: The Steak F*cker Supreme

The sparkling vampire with the iconic up-do is celebrating his 40th today! Robert Pattinson aka RPattz is officially the big four-oh, slamming the door not just on twinkdom but twunkdom altogether. Which is fine by me because our man just keeps getting better and finer with age -- I don't care what people are saying about his wonky accent work in The Odyssey or Dune 3 trailers, as I love it when Rob gifts us a wonky accent. Remember his Pepé Le Pew accent work in The King? 

You probably don't remember that, because who remembers The King. But it made that entire movie spring to life, it did, I swear. Anyway I'm going to finally give you my list of five favorite performances now, and lemme tell you -- one of these is a favorite quite possibly entirely due to the accent he adopts for the film. (I won't say which one and it could go for several but I mean one specifically and if you've seen it you probably know what one I'm talking about.) Anyway it took some time (I still haven't seen a single Twilight movie) but I've fully come to love it whenever Rob shows up anywhere -- I do miss...

... the interviews where he'd gleefully spit out nonsense like how he really jerked off on camera because he couldn't fake an oh-face for that Gay Salvador Dali movie he made, but I guess he's 40 now. He has to be semi-respectable. Hehe "semi." Well clearly turning 40 didn't make me grow up! Take note, Rob!

My 5 Favorite Robert Pattinson Performances

Connie, Good Time

"You know what, tonight, as fucked up as it is, I just think... I think something very important is happening and it's deeply connected to my purpose. And I think that you are somehow connected to it as well. I mean, do you feel me at all? Or do I just sound like a total faggot?"

Thomas, The Lighthouse

"Goddamn yer farts! You smell like piss, you smell like jism, like rotten dick, like curdled foreskin, like hot onions fucked a farmyard shit-house. "

Jackson, Die My Love

"Maybe if I spend a little less time with my hands down my pants and a little more time writing, maybe I'd write something, maybe."

Monte, High Life

"The sensation of moving backwards even though we are moving forwards, getting further from what's getting nearer, sometimes I just can't stand it."

Samuel, Damsel

"Regular horses don't have names,
they're just, uh, you know, regular."

-------------------------------

Runners-up: Mickey 17, The Lost City of Z,
Cosmopolis, Maps To the Stars 

 So what are your favorites?

To Have and To Hold

I kind of can't believe how quickly this three-day-weekend I just had flew by -- I did have my cousin in town so that ate up my Saturday but otherwise I got very little accomplished and now I'm sitting here at my desk in a slumped-over daze wondering how, how, HOWWWW it is Monday. Anyway as threatened on Thursday my review of the dark romance The Drama did indeed drop over the weekend, so I am now updating you with a link! You can read my -- spoilery as hell -- review right here. I suppose it was a smart move by A24 to make out like this movie has a "twist" that could be "spoiled" but it's something that happens in the movie's first third and everything thereafter is fallout, so I considered it not only impossible but dumb as hell to try to write about the movie without spoiling what it's about since what's the fucking point of writing about it if I'm going to be coy? I don't see a point. I'm not here to coddle people, I'm here to talk about the fucking movie. And no I don't know why I am suddenly writing all of this in such an aggressive tone, good grief -- like I said I'm not entirely awake or entirely happy with being back at my desk already, so excuse my sudden onset of inflamed irritability. I suppose you add on that the movie really didn't work for me and whammo, short fuse. 

Watch That Space

Hello. How are you? Oh I am fine, thanks for asking. Covered in filth from head to toe and all my limbs are sloughing off and I have bugs in my brains but, you know, other than that just okally-dokally. So anyway I wanted to give you a heads-up that I've just gotten word down the wire [insert robot sounds here] that my IRL office will be closed tomorrow in observance of the religious holiday that my atheist ass does not celebrate. Which means... well it means that I will be sleeping in as long as humanly possible and then being a lazy-pants all the damned day long tomorrow. It is, in the poetic parlance of Mr. Bobby Brown, my prerogative. But wait! Don't go getting your knickers twisted. There will be a whiff of me, because I'll at least have a review of Robert Pattinson and Zendaya's marital drama titled The Drama landing over at my home-away-from-here Pajiba at some point during the day. See? News not all rotten. Life will find a way! Jeff Goldblum was right! Justice for Jeff Goldblum!

A Little Tom Holland Treat

The first official images from Christopher Nolan's film of The Odyssey have started to land (via the new issue of Empire magazine I believe) and I figured it would be this shot of Tom Holland playing the character of Telemachus that would blow up all y'all skirts the best. This movie's not out until July 17th 2026 so we've got some time to decide whether we give a shit -- well I suppose "we" really equals "me" since I'm the biggest Nolan naysayer around. And yet! And yet I did like Oppenheimer. So maybe I'll like this one even more and Nolan will suddenly become a director I appreciate again, which hasn't really been a thing since Memento. (Okay okay I do mostly like The Dark Knight too.) With a cast that includes Robert Pattinson, Charlize Theron, Anne Hathaway, Mia Goth, Jon Bernthal, Zendaya, Logan Marshall-Green, Lupita Nyong'o and Samantha Morton (among others) there'll certainly be somebody worth staring at most of the time... but then Nolan's always gotten big starry casts which he then usually squanders. I'm trying to be optimistic, really! How are y'all feeling about the prospects on this one? 

Makin' Like Rob And Twinklin' Away

I keep forgetting to mention to you fine readers that I'm taking a brief vacation this week to detox my extremely toxic brain, and I'll be off for the rest of the week starting tomorrow. Me and the boyfriend are headed to the middle of nowhere to stare at some trees or whatever. Much needed! Anyway that means I won't be here to review Lynne Ramsay's new movie Die My Love, out on Friday, so here are a pair of Robert Pattinson photos to make up for that. And since I'm not reviewing it the most I'm going to share is that he and Jennifer Lawrence are sure naked in the movie a lot. I think that will help y'all make up your minds just fine. See you next week!

Screening Dead Ahead

I won't tell you what movie I am going to see right now, thereby abandoning you for the remainder of today, but I will give you a couple of visual "clues." We'll see if you can put them together and suss out the movie I am seeing. I have faith in you guys! You're all real bright and I have even been told that your mothers loved some of you. Anyway it's true, I'm gone, another day is gone, our lives are gone. In three days it's Halloween and what do we have to show for it? Fat load'a nothin' that's what. On that cheerful note I will be here all day tomorrow (unless I, you know, die) AND I have one final NYFF 2025 review landing at Pajiba -- if not later today than tomorrow, but whenever it is I will make sure to link that shit up. So there is something to look forward to after all! Sunshine and gummy bears and oral sex forever!

Ride 'Em, RPattz

Something might be getting stiff but it sure ain't my love, Rob! Ahem. Anyway Robert Pattinson in a cowboy hat and a gold chain -- who knew?? Well I guess Lynne Ramsay knew. Anyway this movie is supposedly out in like two weeks but I'm starting to think it doesn't actually exist? I'm always down for a Ramsay jam dammit -- You Were Never Really Here remains one of the greatest cinematic achievements of the new century. Here's the Die My Love trailer if you haven't watched it yet:

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

The Lighthouse (2019)

Thomas Wake: O what Protean forms swim up from men's minds, and melt in hot Promethean plunder, scorching eyes, with divine shames and horror... And casting them down to Davy Jones. The others, still blind, yet in it see all the divine graces and to Fiddler's Green sent,where no man is suffered to want or toil,but is... Ancient... Mutable and unchanging as the she who girdles 'round the globe. Them's truth.

A very happy 42nd birthday to writer-director and so-says-me genius Robert Eggers today! As far as I'm concerned, dude is four for four movie-wise -- each of his four feature films were among my favorites of their respective years, or in the case of the movie quoted above my number one favorite movie of its year. They are all so my shit. I cannot get enough. Should I rank them? Okay let's rank them:

4. The Northman (review)

3. Nosferatu  (review)

2. The Witch  (review)

1. The Lighthouse  (review)

Five minutes from now I might change my mind and swap the middle two around, and then five minutes after that I might swap them back. But numbers one and four are set in stone. Which isn't to say I don't adore The Northman -- any movie that ends with Alexander Skarsgård and Claes Bang having a naked swordfight on top of a volcano is about as good as cinema gets if you ask me. So a very happy day to a man who's brought me more pleasure than almost any other working filmmaker. All of these movies have landed in less than a decade y'all! That's wild. Tell me your ranking of his four movies in the comments!

The Way To My Heart is With Cox

It's Friday! Thank Cox. I hate how hard I wish weeks by these days, given the amount of weeks I have less in my life... well it feels like the hourglass is fatter on the bottom now. But the world's just too much of a disaster and I need my two days of shutdown more than ever. And just think -- it's only 80 days until Memorial Day and then I get my three-day weekends again! Yippee! And then after that it's practically 2028 and we'll have a new President. Well, probably. Ugh and with that my stomach dropped -- see why I just need to be offline and on the floor for two full days?? 

Glad I don't have to review MICKEY 17 because it's like ten movies at once and only half of them are working but it's also really fun at times (I LOVE THE CREEPERS SO MUCH) and there is this shot of Robert Pattinson's ass that is absolutely to die for so consider yourself somewhat educated

[image or embed]

— Jason Adams (@jamnpp.bsky.social) March 7, 2025 at 1:14 PM

Aaaaaanyway there are two count 'em two movies of note out this weekend -- one is Bong Joon-ho's Mickey 17 which I wrote the world's briefest review of above. It probably deserves more effort than that but... see everything I said at the start pof this post. I'm fucking spent, man. The other movie out this weekend is the horror film The Rule of Jenny Pen and I actually wrote a proper review of that one! But [insert 'womp womp' sound effect here] it's not going up onto Pajiba until tomorrow I believe. So you'll have to wait 24 hours for those thoughts. Will the wait be worth it? Probably not! I have nothing interesting to say! And that's why now I'm going home to collapse. Goodbye!

Cosmo Jarvis Three Times

Big day for Cosmo-stans as not only was he featured in that Warfare clip I shared earlier but we've also got news of his next project, and it's a biggun -- he's just joined the vast cast of Chris Nolan's upcoming epic take on The Odyssey (thx Mac). No idea who he's playing in it but he's got a face for skirts and he joins the already announced (the movie is actually already filming) cast of (deep breath) Matt Damon, Tom Holland, Zendaya, Anne Hathaway, Lupita Nyong’o, Robert Pattinson, John Leguizamo, Benny Safdie, Charlize Theron, Jon Bernthal, Mia Goth, Shiloh Fernandez, Himesh Patel, Elliott Page, Bill Irwin, Samantha Morton, Jesse Garcia, Will Yun Lee and Corey Hawkins. We have of course been in the Cosmo-corner ever since we first saw him opposite Florence Pugh in Lady Macbeth -- it took Shōgun for the rest of the world to catch up but that's fine because Shōgun is ace. And I know I should know better than to expect anything homosexual from Nolan but my god with this cast of actors and Ancient Greece as your setting... I mean we all know what Achilles and Patroclus were getting up to dammit!

44 Until 17

Just as I can't seem to remember the number in the title of Bong Joon-ho's new movie -- every time I'm like, "Is it Mickey 18? 19? 12?" -- I certainly can never remember its release date because it's basically had 17 of those. But here with this new poster release let's look it up like a proper "reporter" and do y'all a solid -- as of today, January 22nd 2025, Mickey 17 is scheduled to release in theaters in the United States on March 7th. That's 44 days from today. Maybe they can go back in and photoshop Robert Pattinson's head a little bit better on this poster in that time? That is one awkward giant head floating on a tiny disembodied body. 

Robert Pattinson Seven Times

Here's another good distraction for our Monday morning, to get us up and moving (or down and not moving, whatever your preference) -- some new photos of Pattinson of the Robert kind for Dior's men's fragrance (via)! And weirdly I feel like I can smell these photos? Don't you? I know it's just the sheen they applied to Robby's golden skin but it's as if a sweet musk emenates right off of these photos. So good work, photographer Mikael Jansson -- you did it.  Achievment unlocked. Hit the jump for the entire sweaty, swarthy batch...

Robert Pattinson Eleven Times

Old photos, practically ancient -- all the way back to the start of December! A month ago! But somehow I totally 100% missed this profile of Robert Pattinson in the New York Times Style Magazine -- but since our Bat-boy is wearing leather pants no matter how many of you have already caressed these photos with your eyeballs they gotta get themselves posted. I imagine this slab o' press was pre-scheduled for when Rob's movie with Bong Joon-ho Mickey17 was meant to come out in January, but then the damned movie moved on the calendar yet again -- now it's coming out in March. Or so they say! They keep Lucy-with-the-football'ing it down the road. Well if the studio has to be a dick about it at least we've got these photos to comfort (and re-comfort) ourselves. Hit the jump for them all...

Burn Penguin Burn

Any watchers of The Penguin up in here?  I wasn't a fan of The Batman movie at all (here is my review) but I love love loved this spin-off series, which added all the pizzazz that that humorless slog was missing thanks to Colin Farrell and Cristin Milioti devouring everything in sight as Oz Cobb and his challenger, the mafioso maniac Sofia Falcone respectively. Actually the entire cast was terrific -- the literal second that character actress Deirdre O'Connell popped up as Oz's mother I knew I was in good hands. 

Soooooo happyyy when Deirdre O'Connell showed up on The Penguin! pic.twitter.com/UQU3nA577I

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) September 24, 2024

And the show didn't waste her! Usually she gets to shine in the teeniest of roles and then vanish, but The Penguin gave her a shit-ton to do and per usual she knocked it all out of the park. But keep looking at the other actors on board -- Clancy Brown, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Scott Cohen, Carmen Ejogo, Michael Zegen, Michael Kelly, Rhenzy Feliz (who broke my heart), Mark Strong, Theo Rossi...

... and hellooooo Theo Rossi. It's a fucking who's-who of under-appreciated character actors, though. Oh and a special shout-out to the kid actor Ryder Allen who played Young Oz in flashbacks -- he rocked his every scene. 

So good. The show somehow managed to  straddle the line between being too comic-booky and not comic-booky enough (a la the Nolan movies). I know everybody else brought up The Sopranos and it very clearly was what it was going for but I was having so much fun with it I couldn't even hold that against it. Without getting into spoilers I really hope there's a second season because I doubt a sequel to The Batman would have much time for  some of The Penguin's side-characters and I need to see them again! So tell me: any fans?

Hark Triton Hark

It feels a little goofy to me at this point to do an entire post about this -- all y'all who care about such things will have already seen it elsewhere, and I'm not getting anything for writing this. If A24 wants to send me review copies of things -- just saying! Not that I didn't buy a copy of the just-announced 4K blu-ray of Robert Eggers' The Lighthouse the second I got the damn email. It's only one of my favorite films of the past decade, the greatest film of its year, and a movie I've already watched so many times I could probably reenact the damn thing as a one-man-show on command. Here is my original review if you'd like to recall my derangement. Anyway as you'll see at A24 this disc comes with a slew of new extras -- not to mention this gorgeous film in 4K which is enough on its lonesome -- so perhaps when the package hits my hot little hands at the end of this month I will do some fresh posts on those things. Even if I had to pay for it dammit. God I'm becoming so spoiled and privileged now. But baby's gotta get paid! In the parlance of Danny Glover I'm getting too old for you know.

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

Please Baby Please (2022)

Arthur: I won't be terrorized into acting like

a savage just because I was born male. And

I don't want to be rewarded for it either.

A happy 34 to Harry Melling today! The former Harry Potter actor has become one of my faves over the past couple of years thanks to the performance cited above in one of my favorite movies of last year. He was electric and unexpectedly sexy in that (him and Karl Glusman had crazy chemistry)...

Think I need to re-watch PLEASE BABY PLEASE this weekend pic.twitter.com/iiIKRmxqH2

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) March 9, 2023

And then also weirdly enough I also loved his turn as a wild-eyed country preacher-man in the otherwise-mostly-forgettable flick The Devil All the Time with Tom Holland and Robert Pattinson. He walked right off with that movie, and given its ridiculously stacked cast that's saying something. I get so excited when he pops up in things now. And next up for him he's the star of Michael Winterbottom's new movie, so I don't think we need to worry about this fascinating presence going anywhere any time soon.

Robert Pattinson Five Times

These are via the Evening Standard, where they mostly chat with Rob about his duties as Dior brand ambassador -- you know, riveting stuff -- but he does talk a little bit about filming on Mickey 17, Bong Joon-ho's new movie that has him playing clones, so maybe skim the chat if you care. But the pictures are the best part -- what happened to the Rob who'd talk about jerking off all the time, dang it? -- and I've got you covered there. Hit the jump for them...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

The Humans (2021)

Erik: It's snowing out there.

Richard: I think someone from a

higher floor just emptied their ashtray.

I hope this movie doesn't end up totally forgotten -- I really loved it but it seemed to entirely slip through the cracks during awards season last year. One of the casualties of late year glut. I say definitely seek it out if you missed it. Anyway a happy birthday to Steven Yeun today!

The former Walking Dead star is turning 39 -- I don't know whether it was his decision to leave TWD or the producers but whoever made it as gross and awful as it was in its moment it ended up being the best decision ever! Because 1) it gave him the freedom to become a movie star, which he's pulled off with great aplomb, and 2) it finally cut the cord with me (and many many other viewers) from that show -- when they killed Glenn I never went back and never missed it for a second. Did any of you stick with it? 

Anyway Yeun has several projects lined up after this summer's successful team-up with Jordan Peele and Nope -- the most important one appears to be that he's re-teaming with Okja director Bong Joon-ho for Mickey 17 alongside Robert Pattinson, and I can't believe I hadn't posted that teaser trailer above yet. That's not even out until March of 2024 but listen to the cast -- Yeun and Pattinson and Toni Collette and Mark Ruffalo and Naomi Ackie (who's playing Whitney Houston in her biopic out this weekend). It's based on Edward Ashton's sci-fi novel Mickey7 -- wonder why they added ten to the title -- about a clone employee sent to colonize an ice planet. It sounds like Severance meets Edge of Tomorrow. 

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Hereditary (2018)

 

Peter: You okay, Mom?

Annie: What?

Peter: Is there something on your mind?

Annie: Is there something on *your* mind?

Peter: Just seems like there... might be something you... wanna say.

Steve: Peter.

Annie: Like what? I mean, why would I wanna say something so I can watch you sneer at me?

Peter: Sneer at you? I don't ever sneer at you.

Annie: Oh, sweetie, you don't have to. You get your point across.

Peter: Okay, so, fine, then say what you wanna say, then.

Steve: Peter.

Annie: I don't wanna say anything. I've tried saying...

Peter: Okay, so try again. Release yourself.

Annie: Oh, release you, you mean?

Peter: Yeah, fine, release me, just say it! Just fucking say it!

Annie: DON'T you swear at me, you little shit! Don't you EVER raise your voice at me! I am your mother! You understand? All I do is worry and slave and defend you, and all I get back is that fucking face on your face! So full of disdain and resentment and always so annoyed! Well, now your sister is dead! And I know you miss her and I know it was an accident and I know you're in pain and I wish could take that away for you. I WISH I could shield you from the knowledge that you did what you did, but you're sister is dead! She's gone forever! And what a waste... if it could've maybe brought us together, or something, if you could've just said "I'm sorry" or faced up to what happened, maybe then we could do something with this, but you can't take responsibility for anything! So, now I can't accept. And I can't forgive. Because... because NOBODY admits anything they've done!

I might have to start quoting this scene from Hereditary every November 1st now that I have noticed that today is the birthday of both Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Not that Toni's speech doesn't run through my head at least once a week anyway. "THAT FUCKING FACE ON YOUR FACE." That line is such perfect writing. It's exactly the sort of half-thought out thing you'd say when you're angry that actually represents the truest essence of the thing -- you'd try to say something more clever if you were thinking straight but the words are just flying out and you stumble on a perfect thing like that. Goddamn I can't wait for Ari Aster's next movie!

But back to the birthday people -- what's next for these two? Toni, who always has a billion projects lined up, has a billion projects lined up -- the most exciting one is probably Mickey7, Bong Joon-ho's next movie which also stars Robert Pattinson and Mark Ruffalo; see my previous post here. As for Alex he works less, which sucks! Why aren't people snatching him up after Hereditary, in which he more than held his own against a world-class Colette? That said he's got a role in Chris Nolan's Oppenheimer, so it's not like he's hurting! And he's got two small-sounding projects lined up, as well -- a movie called The Line (the photo below is from the set of that) and a movie called Untold; I don't recognize any of the other people involved on either project. Fingers crossed for fresh talent!

5 Off My Head: Siri Says 2019

We are indeed still filling in the final few gaps in my "Siri Says" series -- this is where I ask my phone to give me a number between 1 and 100 and then I take that number and I pick my five favorite movies from the year that corresponds. Thing is we left the "Siri" part in the dust awhile back when the remaining numbers got down below fifteen, because waiting for Siri to say a number that hadn't been used before took ages. So now I have the remaining years written on slips of paper and I choose one at random, and yet I still use Siri in the title? Sue me for fraud if you must! Anyway today I chose the number "19" and since there's no chance in all of the depths of hell that I'd have anything to say about the movies of 1919 -- my apologies to Yankee Doodle in Berlin! -- I will be regaling us with my five favorite films from three years ago. (Here is a list of 2019 movies if you need a refresher -- a lot has happened since then!)

And yes I have already posted by five favorite movies of 2019 on the site -- indeed I listed my Top 25 that year! So this will only be interesting if anything has changed, and (drumroll please) I am sorry to tell you the list of movies in my top five has not changed. But wait! The movies themselves have maybe not changed, but (drumroll please) the order of them has a little! Chaos! Sanctus! Dominus! Sanctus! Dominus! Dogs sleeping with cats et cetera! Okay maybe not but whatcha gonna do, we got a space to fill. And I do think it's a little interesting to see what's shifted in three years time's estimation. No? Well without further dreadful ado I give you...

My 5 Favorite Movies of 2019

5. A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

(dir. Marielle Heller)

-- released on November 22nd 2019 --

4. Midsommar

(dir. Ari Aster)

-- released on July 3rd 2019 --

3. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

(dir. Joe Talbot)

-- released on June 7th 2019 --

2. Portrait of a Lady on Fire

(dir. Céline Sciamma)

-- released on December 6th 2019 --

1. The Lighthouse

(dir. Robert Eggers)

-- released on November 1st 2019 --

----------------------------------------

Runners-up: In Fabric (dir. Peter Strickland), Sorry Angel (dir. Christophe Honoré), Little Women (dir. Greta Gerwig), Knife+Heart (dir. Yan Gonzalez), End of the Century (dir. Lucio Castro), Peterloo (dir. Mike Leigh)...

... The Nightingale (dir. Jennifer Kent), Pain and Glory (dir. Pedro Almodóvar), Invisible Life (dir. Karim Ainouz), Transit (dir. Christian Petzold), Us (dir. Jordan Peele), Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (dir. Quentin Tarantino)

What are your favorite movies of 2019?