They Call Me Mr Megs

I suppose people in the summers of the 1980s felt about Sylvester Stallone movies and Arnold Schwarzenegger movies the way I do about Jason Statham movies -- it's just not summer without the dumbest possible version of them hitting my local cineplex. And so perhaps I went easy on Meg 2: The Trench in my Pajiba review which went up over the weekend, but I didn't hate it like many critics to be  doing (it's got a pretty dismal RT rating) right now). I think most people were hoping for a smarter dumb movie since Ben Wheatley was inexplicably directing it, but I remain fine with a dumb dumb movie in such instances. I quibbled with some things, like how I really wish they'd have gotten somebody to work on the dialogue, which is abysmal -- one rework on that front would've fixed so many of its issues, I think. But when the gigantic shark fought the gigantic octopus I just stopped caring, and smiled. 

Let Her Do the Cutting

Not sure how this news slipped by me even while I kept looking for it but a real good horror movie I saw at Sundance back in January is coming out this Friday! (It also hits demand the week after.) It's called Censor and I reviewed it for Pajiba, read that here -- it stars Niamh Algar (who can also be seen in a small but memorable role in Guy Ritchie's most recent Jason Statham flick Wrath of Man) as a film censor in 1980s UK who works on trimming the bad bits from all of those infamous "Video Nasties" of the era. She watches the real degenerate stuff so we don't have to basically, and sure enough that shit starts to get to her and... well you can imagine. 

It goes dark! As I said in my review that idea for a horror movie is just one of those perfect ideas that were sitting there in the movie ether waiting to be plucked and turned real and writer-director Prano Bailey-Bond does a wonderful job plucking the heck outta it. Here's the trailer below, but as I usually say with horror movies maybe don't watch the trailer, maybe keep yourself nice and virginal for the dirty movie instead...

Josh Hartnett Eight Times

I had momentarily convinced myself that Josh Hartnett was wearing the exact same coat I got for Christmas in these new photos from Mr. Porter, but then I looked it up and no, his coat costs one thousand dollars. But my coat, which I adore, cost 1/5th of that and it is by my estimation just as pretty, so who's laughing now, Josh Hartnett? Ohh right, you're Josh Hartnett. Fine you win. Again. Fine. I mean I'm certainly not going to post a photo of myself and ask "Who wore it best?" My god, I'd like what scraggly little ego I do have to survive the afternoon.

Anyway, a thing I learned from Mr. Porter's chat with Josh alongside these photos -- he's in Guy Ritchie's next two movies! One is  a spy-thriller called Five Eyes that has him co-starring opposite Aubrey Plaza and Jason Statham, while the other is an action-movie called Wrath of Man (based on the 2004 French film Cash Truck) also starring Statham. Josh calls his character in the latter movie a "lovable buffoon." I'm glad to hear that he's taking on bigger projects again! We love Josh. See the rest of the shoot after the jump...

Jason's Ass Makes Promises He Might Keep

There are so many similar photoshoots of Jason Statham looking like the butchest bitch in the prison yard that I can't keep up. Have I posted these exact shots before? I don't know. I've posted plenty just like them if not, but I'm using this here pair today in order to direct you over to The Film Experience where I've shared the latest news on Mr. Jason's career path, which seems to be taking him towards some of Viggo Mortensen's old scraps. I wouldn't be angry if they wrestled over it. Now that would be a movie.

Jason Statham One Time

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(via) I also just posted a quartet of photos of Jason looking rough on the set of Hobbs & Shaw in that patented Statham sorta way over on the Tumblr -- click here to take those in. Did any of you end up seeing H&S? If so, there's no reason on Earth why I'd need to see it, right? I feel like I'd have been told by one of you by now if there was a long slow shot of Idris Elba walking naked out of a shower. 

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You Could Do Worse Than Looking At Idris

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Having never seen a Fast Furious film you won't be seeing me at that Hobbs Shaw thing this weekend -- it took me awhile to even figure out it was a Fast Furious film in the first place -- but I will take this opportunity to highlight a couple of Idris Elba photos from his 2016 Interview Magazine photoshoot that I didn't highlight well enough when it originally came out due to that being a hell of a photoshoot and my eyes being all over the damn place. I mean, really.

Anyway that movie is the big expensive one of the movie weekend but if you're in a city I recommend you seek out two smaller and devastatingly excellent pictures instead -- there's Luce, which I reviewed here, and then there's Jennifer Kent's Babadook follow-up The Nightingale, which I haven't reviewed yet because I'm seeing it a second time tonight and wanted to do that before I wrote up my thoughts. I plan on trying to do that tomorrow though, even though MNPP is still on its Summer Fridays Off schedule. So stay tuned!

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Good Morning, World

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Jason Statham was the first one of these so-called "bottle cap challenges" that I saw and obviously the best one was Mariah Carey's, but I'm now partial to this Miguel Angel Silvestre version, for reasons that should be clear to you right away.

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Do Dump or Marry: Dirty Boys Edition

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I have never seen a Fast Slash Furious film and I'm heck no not about to start now with this Hobbs and Shaw movie out later this summer, but hey this new photo of its stars Dwayne Johnson and Idris Elba and Jason Statham (via) is good enough for one of our "Do Dump or Marry" queries, I think! Go on and tell me in the comments who you do, who you dump, and who you marry...

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Crank: High Voltage (2009)

Chev: A man who calls himself The Ferret.
Venus: El Huron.
Chev: You know him?
Venus: No. It means The Ferret in Spanish.

As I wish this movie a happy 10 today -- it was released on April 17th 2009 -- I ask myself, could the extraordinarily un-PC Crank movies be made today? I mean they were offensive in 2009 (and please keep in mind that I don't mean "offensive" as a slight, not in this context) but now, now I assume they're slightly toxic. I haven't re-watched them since they came out but just remembering the Bai Ling scenes alone makes me, uh, worry. But they're so over the top that they're clearly knowing parodies of hyper-masculinity at the same time, so perhaps they manage...? I don't know. I don't personally feel like revisiting and depressing myself today; maybe you do. (Here's my original review although be forewarned half the links in it are dead by now.)

The co-directors known as Neveldine / Taylor who made the Crank films, along with Gamer and the second Ghost Rider, had cornered the market on way out there parodically hyper-masculine action flicks for a hot minute -- Neveldine married actress Alison Lohman and they both (him and Lohman) disappeared but Taylor's kept working. He does Chris Meloni's show Happy (which makes sense given the little I've seen, it seems to be carrying the bonkers torch) and his newest project just got some big news this week: he's making a TV series out of Aldous Huxley's Brave New World and it is going to star Alden Ehrenreich. That's an interesting mix of folks I cannot wrap my head around entirely...

Good Morning, Gratuities

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Howdy everybody, a happy Friday to one and, wait for it, all. That there would be Jason Statham in last year's shark-mediocrity The Meg, which I reviewed right here, saying it "feels like a first draft." Plus more! Meaning I said more than that, even. Read more here. Anyway what doesn't feel like a first draft is Jason Statham's Abs...

... those suckers have been worked over, many many times. And now that I have you thinking about "working over" Jason Statham's abs, try to pay attention to this: this scene from 2018 represents a runner-up in our "Great Gratuities of 2018" awards, part of our Golden Trousers Awards  (aka The Pantys) for last year, which we're finally going to post, I believe, next week. Ta-dah!

This isn't the smartest time of me to get going on these since we're heading out of town early this afternoon and we're not back until late on Monday, making next week a short week, but I really want to beat the Oscars this year -- I mean even at this point post-Sundance most of our brains have wandered away from the films of 2018. So let's get this done! Right, Jason?

Jason says right. Anyway long story not really short we've got some more "runner-up" stuff scheduled for today and I'm hoping to schedule some stuff for Monday too, even though we won't technically be back from our trip, so stay tuned! And next week we'll be giving you our Favorite Movies of 2018, ur Favorite Performances, and more of these Great Gratuities. On that note hit the jump for more Jason, who'll whet your appetite for more and then some...

Jason Statham Six Times

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Although he's not on the cover -- they saved that honor for French star Gilles Lellouche, seen here -- Jason Statham here was photographed for the new issue of GQ France and if you know French click here to read whatever the hell they talked about. I think it's about his Fast & Furious spin-off with The Rock? Well whatever the interview is about the photoshoot is all about his feet for some reason, so if you're down for that hit the jump for lots of feet...

The Meg in 250 Words or Less

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The Meg feels like a first draft, which is nuts seeing as how it's been in development for twenty years. I never read the book upon which it is, uh, based, but something tells me the book filled all 337 of its pages with more than the word "shark" scrawled in increasingly frantic scribbles.

Anyway there is indeed a shark, and there is indeed Jason Statham, and you're already halfway to a movie there so it's not all bad. There's also a scene where leading lady Bingbing Li stares at Statham fresh out of the shower as if she's the shark and his abs are smeared with delicious chum, and that goes a little ways further. 

But there are so many missed opportunities, imagination-wise - there's a scene early on where the scientists (I use that word lightly, in the "Tara Reid holding a clipboard" vein) discover the hidden ocean from which the Megalodon (bonus points for getting to hear Statham say the word "Megalodon") will emerge, and instead of offering up a slew of CG wonders we get a couple of squids and one confused Anglerfish gently going about his business.

Give me some strange beasties, y'all! Have some fun with it! Don't give us a shot of the 400 foot tall Guanyin of the South Sea of Sanya sculpture and not make the gigantic shark bite that fucker in half! This isn't actual science, guys! It's a shark movie starring Jason Statham! Act like it!
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Fighting Fish With Fur

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There's a giant killer shark movie out this weekend and I dunno about you but with all due apologies to Jason Statham whenever I think of giant killer sharks I think about Thomas Jane fighting them in little pink shorts. It's just a thing, a thing I have. But I am not the only one - BD posted an appreciation of the 1999 classic I speak of called Deep Blue Sea yesterday...

... and then there's this brand new photo-shoot of the vibrantly bearded Tom Jane himself in Da Man Magazine (thx Mac) which okay technically this has nothing to do with DBS (Jane is in The Predator out in September) but I'm just gonna pretend. He does mention the film in the interview! Anyway the magazine released a slew of outtakes from the photo-shoot on top of the regular shots so you can hit the jump and I'll share 'em all...

Good Morning, World

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It's Jason Statham's birthday tomorrow but I'm not going to be around tomorrow so we're wishing him a happy one today! Got it? Good. I'm going to be away until Tuesday afternoon actually, so prepare yourselves for a little drought.

I'll try to get as much content out today as I possibly can to tide you over, you can feed yourselves like MNPP is one of those little kitty feeders that drop a few pellets a day or whatever (I have no idea what I'm talking about, I have never owned or taken care of a cat in my life), but to be honest I'm dragging this morning so who knows. For now just appreciate this new poster for Jason Statham's giant shark movie The Meg:

Pleased To Eat You

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I don't know why they went and added the qualifier to the title but the movie called The Meg now has been bandying about (as just plain ol' "Meg") for quite a long time - I remembered writing about it when Eli Roth was going to make it in 2015 but that post led me to an even older iteration where Jan De Bont was going to make it in 2006! Anyway those folks never got it done - it took John Turteltaub, the director of the National Treasure movies (or if you're feeling nostalgic for the 1990s the director of 3 Ninjas and Cool Runnings) to get it done. Or more likely it took star Jason Staham to get it done.

Anyway I don't know why it's taken Statham so long to star in a movie that's gotten him into a wetsuit, given his professional speedo past but I'm glad we're here at last. The Meg is out on August 10th and lo behold it has a trailer (I'm sharing the International one but you can watch the US version right here):
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It looks fun in the same old trashy way all of these Jaws 

rip-offs are - if it's up to the lofty trash standards of 

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon we'll be doing fine. 

Good Morning, World

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Jason Statham instagrammed this triptych of himself doing some kind of an interpretive sex dance on the beach over the weekend, and we're here for it. Make it rain, Jason, make it rain. We know you like to boogie woogie.

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Happy 50, Jason Statham

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Jason Statham shared these outtakes from his recent Men's Health photoshoot himself on his Instagram over a month ago but I missed them until today when I went looking for a way to celebrate Jason's 50th birthday. Which is today. Happy 50, Jason! You give us all hope that we can be fuck machines at any and every age.

Jason Statham Nine Times

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I was wondering earlier today what I needed to cheer myself up (I'm in kind of a lousy mood, in case that wasn't clear from this) and these pictures of Jason Statham flashing his 50 year old bits for Men's Health (via, thanks Mac) have turned out to be just the ticket. I feel brighter, and there's a pep in my step, or if not my step something is pepping anyway. Hit the jump for eight more shots...

What is the Opposite of Hardcore?

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I met some very nice, very smart people during my brief two-year stint in film school, but there was this one dude who I couldn't stand - let's just call him Entitled Whity Number One, or EWNO for short. EWNO came into class convinced he knew everything, where "everything" in his language translated to him having more money to spend than the rest of us, the better to show off with, and show off was all he did. The short films he made during our time together (together is a bit strong - let's say adjacent, our time adjacent) were expensive and incoherent and loud and it was clear to me that if anybody in my class was going to be successful he was probably going to be successful because god he was terrible.

I thought a lot about him while watching Hardcore Henry, which is a garbage movie. It's the Crank movies (which are good movies!) told via first-person perspective, meaning it's a lot of people screaming directly at the camera, and the camera falling off buildings, and then leering directly at lots of breasts. The Crank movies are straight-dude movies too, but they're witty and cleverly offensive and Jason Statham is a deranged joy to watch. 

Hardcore Henry is anything but a joy to watch. It is a sexist slog, relentlessly derivative and just plain dull - it thinks it's reinvented the wheel but it's really just one long skid-mark instead. My film school professor would try to get EWNO to learn things about film technique - really basic things like editing and where to place the camera - but he wasn't having any of it, and Hardcore Henry feels like it's hot off the dick of some dude like him who doesn't need that shit. He is rewriting film language, all by himself - fuck one hundred years of cinema in the throat! 

Nobody is going to be looking at Hardcore Henry one hundred years from now to garner lessons about anything - this is not the new Battleship Potemkin, dude. It's the anti-clever, it's the anti-watchable, it is the anti-entertainment. It's a limp dick, dude. Your dick is sad and limp. Put it back in your pants and go home.

Jason Says Jump, You Jump

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There are two beefcake-fests out this late summer weekend - besides Edgar Ramirez in the boxing-drama Hands of Stone (which we exploited pretty thoroughly yesterday, click here for that) there is also the latest Jason Statham masterpiece, Mechanic: Resurrection, the sequel to his 2011 film. 

In case you missed the trailer (aka footage of Jason Statham shirtless for a second, which we made last forever) click here for that. Jason posted these pictures on his own Instagram this week, because he knows how to sell his damn movies. (See also here.) Bless you, sir!