Valentine (2001)
This scene is so fucking weird, you guys. I had no idea what was happening when I watched this movie last week for its 20th anniversary -- for the very first time! -- and I had to ask my boyfriend, who explained to me that the dude getting murdered was the Creepy Neighbor of Kate (Marley Shelton) who we meet for a split second a little earlier in the movie when she hears a strange noise (while showering, natch) and goes to investigate...
Turns out Weird Neighbor has been sneaking into Kate's apartment and putting on her underwear, a gag apparently set up by the movie if you're at all inclined to listen to the dialogue... which I was not. So I had no idea why this dude in stockings was suddenly getting his face smashed in with a steam-iron. Nor would this have any bearing on the plot at any further point in the movie -- this is one of those Kill Scenes that reek of, "We need another kill, quick, give her a creepy neighbor!" And, scene.
"Rose are Red
Violets are Blue
They'll need dental records
To identify You"
Okay I cackled at that. A nice My Bloody Valentine little shout-out. And I thought for a second early on that Valentine might turn out to be the under-appreciated Slasher gem that some people have claimed... but no, that was not to be. I hated it. Oh there are some fun bits -- lots of 2001-era cheesiness (especially technology-wise, with the flips phones and computer graphics and "edgy" video art installations), and bless her Denise Richards always knows why she got hired. Oh and this Daniel Cosgrove dude...
... was cute enough in a very specific 2001 sort of way. (The highlights!) But god it's boring and I hated every single character and every scene just drags on and on and nothing seems connected to anything else. I don't imagine I'll be spoiling any future Valentine's Day horror watches with this when I've got the original My Bloody Valentine, possibly my favorite Slasher Film, sitting right there. Even the perfectly fine 2009 MBV remake is better than this! Sorry, Denise! We'll always have Wild Things!
Hit the jump for links to previous Ways Not To Die...