Good Morning, World

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I know I just posted about Go for its 20th anniversary last week, but I only just got around to properly re-watching it last night and when I saw this hysterical throwaway gag from its final few minutes -- Ronna's waking up in the hospital after getting run down and it's Christmas morning and that sight is the first thing she sees across from her -- I knew I had this morning's "Good Morning" post in the bag. This movie is simply perfect -- yes even the Vegas segment, and I won't hear otherwise. (The Vegas segment has a cameo from my beloved Tane McClure of Crawlspace fame, after all.)

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Goddamn everyone is SO PERFECT in EVERY SINGLE LITTLE ROLE in this pic.twitter.com/dHZ8BL5Bml

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) April 17, 2019

10 Off My Head: Siri Says 1986

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Happy Tuesday and welcome to another round of "Siri Says...," the fun game for movie-lovers where we ask our telephone to choose a number between 1 and 100 and then pick our five favorite movies from the corresponding year. It appears Siri is feeling pretty 80s this month (maybe she got her hair crimped) and so after last week's turn with the year 1983 this week we turn our eyes three whole years later, to The Movies of 1986. Which turns out to have been an amazing year for the movies! So amazing I couldn't narrow it down to just five. And so I give you...

My 10 Favorite Movies of 1986

Blue Velvet

(dir. David Lynch)

-- released on September 19th 1986 --

Hannah and Her Sisters

(dir. Woody Allen)

-- released on March 14th 1986 --

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

(dir. John McNaughton)

-- finished in 1986 but not released until 1990 --

Peggy Sue Got Married

(dir. Francis Ford Coppola)

-- released on October 10th 1986 --

Matador

(dir. Pedro Almodovar)

-- released on March 7th 1986 --

The Fly

(dir. David Cronenberg)

-- released on August 15th 1986 --

Gothic

(dir. Ken Russell)

-- released on November 30th 1986 --

Little Shop of Horrors

(dir. Frank Oz)

-- released on December 19th 1986 --

Caravaggio

(dir. David Jarman)

-- released on August 29th 1986 --

Aliens

(dir. James Cameron)

-- released on July 18th1986 --

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Runners-up: Stand By Me (dir. Reiner),  Big Trouble in Little China (dir. Carpenter), Parting Glances (dir. Bill Sherwood), Labyrinth (dir. Henson), Manhunter (dir. Mann), Cobra (dir. Cosmatos), The Hitcher (dir. Robert Harmon), Mauvais Sang (dir. Carax), The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (dir. Hooper)...

... Crawlspace (dir. Schmoeller), Betty Blue (dir. Jean-Jacques Beineix), Pretty in Pink (dir. Deutsch), In a Glass Cage (dir. Agustí Villaronga), Ruthless People (dir. Zucker), Down and Out in Beverly Hills (dir. Mazursky), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (dir. Hughes)

Never Seen: She's Gotta Have It (dir. Spike Lee)

Crimes of the Heart (dir. Bruce Beresford)

Vamp (dir. Richard Wenk) 

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What are you favorite movies of 1986?

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I Am Link

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--- Original Horror Hotel - A bunch of snappy little freaky teasers for the new American Horror Story season have been dropped, as they do every time around, and they made me realize that somebody needs to make sure that Ryan Murphy has seen the greatest "shared living space" horror film of all time, Crawlspace with Klaus Kinski, and that this Hotel of his honors that film as much as possible. Really, that film's bright and shining superstar Tané should replace Lady Gaga immediately, if you ask me. She could sing her signature tune "Just Tonight" and the world would know! The world would understand! At last!

--- Speaking AHS though, EW gets the word from a few members of the cast on what they're selling as "The Most Disturbing Scene This Show's Ever Done!" which yes they do every year, but this one does sound pretty out there, what with the talk of a "dildo demon" being tossed around. Sounds to me like Max Greenfield might be losing his on-screen butt virginity to it. Okay! I'll watch that.

--- Done By Dome - So did any of you stick with Under the Dome through this whole year? I gave up looong ago, which I admitted the last time I ogled Mike Vogel's nips here, which by the way are free, run free Mike Vogel's nips, the show has finally been canceled, after somehow making it to three inexplicable seasons; I guess nobody was even paying attention at CBS to what they're airing in the summertime. Anyway hooray Mike Vogel can go make movies where he can be naked now. I will say thank you to the show for putting Mike in all of those snug blue jeans, though.

--- Wonder Boot - I need to keep reminding myself that Patty Jenkins is directing Wonder Woman, because it's the only thing I got that's keeping any interest alive - I know it's unfair to judge Gal Gadot before seeing her in anything but... I can't help it. Anyway rumor is they're shooting the thing in Southern Italy now, so I would like to come and work on the set, please.

--- Almost Home - I don't think I realized that Ramin Bahrani's 99 Homes was out in just three weeks or so -- this is exciting! We've been waiting for this for awhile. I also feel ashamed that I keep forgetting it co-stars my beloved Laura Dern -- she's my favorite actor of the bunch, but I keep getting distracted by how much they're playing up Andrew Garfield's biceps in the press materials. Speaking of The Playlist has some clips and new pictures, several of which yes include Andrew Garfield's biceps (not to mention prominent Michael Shannon bulge, in one) because of course they do.

--- Bluer Velvet - There's a documentary about the making of David Lynch's Blue Velvet coming out in October and you can watch the trailer for it and read a little bit about what it's got to offer over here. (Thanks Mac) There's can never be enough Blue Velvet in the world. Here's to your fuck!

--- Who's There - I wasn't going to bother watching the trailer for Eli Roth's Knock Knock because 1) I'll clearly see the movie because I see everything Eli Roth bothers making (up to and including spectacles of himself shirtless and muddy) and 2) this happened and that annoys me to no end, but I blundered through somehow and it actually looks like a pretty fun movie! It's somehow still kind of impossible, even at his advanced age, to buy Keanu Reeves as a husband and father, but if the movie keeps itself simple and straightforward and has fun with its premise, it could be a nice little genre exercise.

--- And Finally a new trailer for MacBeth has dropped (here's a link to the first trailer and my methodical breakdown thereof) and it's stuffed to the gills with Fassy all wild-eyed and Marion all wild-eyed and color and fabric and color and slow-motion swordplay (unfortunately not the swordplay we hope for when we think of Michael Fassbender though) -- watch it and wonder! God I can't wait to see this damn thing.
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This Is My Sophie's Choice

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Egads it's another painful instance of how living in New York can sometimes present me with terrible choices between incredibly awesome things. The night of August 1st shall tear me in twain! I've already got tickets to see the Talking Heads doc Stop Making Sense at the Film Society of Lincoln Center with living genius David Byrne attending for a Q&A. David Byrne! David fucking Byrne!

But just now I've spotted that the Anthology Film Archives is doing a Klaus Kinski retrospective from July 31st to August 10th and the night of August 1st they are showing the awesome WTF-ery of Crawlspace, and the director David Schmoeller will be there! CRAWLSPACE, you guys. Let me refresh your memory - Crawlspace, the movie where Klaus Kinski wears Cosby sweaters as an exiled Nazi who kills people by shooting arrows up their butts. Crawlspace, the movie with Tané. Tané!!!

Style Maven, Songstress, Icon. What if Tané shows up too??? What if I could get a picture of myself with Tané, and I miss that opportunity? What if I could sing a duet of her breakaway pop hit* called "Just Tonight" with her in person? WHAT IF THAT???? (*not a breakaway pop hit)

I Am Link

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--- Endless Ha - I was going to post a "Quote of the Day" from this essay on Frances Ha from the playwright Annie Baker that's both published at Slate today as well as being inside the booklet for the Criterion DVD that's out in stores today - It's finally out today! Everybody go buy it! - but I'd really just want to quote the entire thing from start to finish, it's a marvelous essay on the film, capturing so much of what's, dare I say it, magical about the movie. (Here's my original review. You should multiply the instant affection I had for the movie by ten thousand by now.)

--- Ha Ha Heat - Also out on disc today is The Heat, which I thought was pretty funny (although not terribly memorable to be honest) - in celebration Amir has written up a love letter to Melissa McCarthy's performance over at The Film Experience today.

--- Super Meloni - In case you were curious about what Christopher Meloni thought about the ending of Zack Snyder's Man of Steel, here's an interview with him at Rolling Stone. Spoiler alert- he doesn't give a shit. (Thanks Mac)
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--- Long Time Leo - Love this piece by Andrew at The Film Experience on Leonardo DiCaprio's performance in Revolutionary Road - I really liked that movie, and both actors therein; I know a lot of people didn't, so it's nice to hear a defense of it. I thought about writing something about Leo yesterday for his birthday but got seriously sidetracked. Happy belated, Leo!
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--- Insert Here - Don't worry yourself, the studio's not shopping around a G-rated version of Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac that's got all the hardcore penetration covered up with cartoon teddy bears.
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--- Under Oohs - I keep clicking on links that say this movie Crawlspace is being made (and produced by Insidious' James Wan) because I keep thinking this is the time they'll tell me it's a remake of the Klaus Kinski movie. But it's not. Still their vague description of the plot is interesting - there's a lot of alluding to it being twisty.

--- Cake Boy - Jason Statham has acquired the rights to the book sequel to Layer Cake, which was a movie starring Daniel Craig of course. It's called Viva La Madness and yadda yadda crime capers and tough guys and so many muscles.

--- Leading Man - Hopefully this only marks the beginning of the dumb-dumbs in Hollywood giving Idris Elba leading roles - he's signed up to make Bastille Day, a thriller about a US operative and a young boy and terrorism and yadda yadda so many muscles.

--- Pre Pan - The director Joe Wright, whose coming off two movies I loved (Hanna and Anna Karenina), is making an origin story for Peter Pan next, probably. So basically the opposite of Hook... or at least we should all hope that it's the opposite of Hook.

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I Am Link

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--- 12 Years a Dom - Not to take this new shot of Chiwetel Ejiofor in 12 Years a Slave inappropriately out of context or anything (and you can see more new shots from the film over here), but the way Chewy's holding that whip's got me thinking that he should totally replace Charlie Hunnam in the 50 Shades of Grey movie. I mean he's so much better than that material obviously, but it's still something I wouldn't mind seeing...

--- Her & Him - Let's see if I get around to posting my own thoughts on Spike Jonze's film Her today (not to mention the seventeen others from the fest that I haven't reviewed yet!), but while we wait for that you can do no better than hitting up Jose's thoughts upon same over at The Film Experience.

--- Make Space - The greatest movie ever made, Crawlspace with Klaus Kinski, is coming out on Blu-ray in December! Go forth and buy and behold the wonder of all and everything you've ever wanted or needed from anything, in one. it will make the perfect stocking stuffer for people you love, or hate, or love to hate, or hate to love!
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--- Dino Boy - The cutesyish kid from Iron Man 3 (I actually remember finding his scenes pretty tolerable, as far as cutesyish kid scenes go) (and as far as "scenes in Iron Man 3 that I found tolerable, for that matter) is apparently going to play the "lead role" in the fourth Jurassic Park movie called Jurassic World, says Deadline. So I guess a kid is the lead in Jurassic World, then. Well if the alternative is Bryce Dallas Howard being the lead, this is cool.

--- Spandex Ballet - DH rounds up a few quotes from the actors Lee Pace and Evan Peters about their roles in upcoming superhero movies - Pace is playing the big bad in Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy movie (and calls his character a "fucking psycho"), while Peters is playing Quicksilver in Bryan Singer's new X-Men (he fails to mention how tight his costume is, which is important, obviously).

--- Pink Hotel - Sure enough the first poster for the new Wes Anderson movie called The Grand Budapest Hotel is a perfect beautiful thing that I want to hang on my wall. It would look lovely next to the Moonrise Kingdom one.Also mark your calendars, a trailer's coming on Thursday.

--- All Horror's Eve - Our pal Joe Reid is the best person in the world - he went and made a list of every single horror movie playing on cable between now and Halloween, and it is a ton, so head on over to that with your DVR remote in hand and prepare to get freaked out!

--- And finally here's the trailer for Hercules, the Kellan Lutz one, which debuted at on its panel at  Comic-Con this weekend and which, much like the Oldboy panel, I couldn't attend because of the New York Film Festival. Honestly though this looks like such garbage (albeit pec infused garbage) I don't really feel as if I missed so much.
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Quotes of the Day

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"If an actor knows how to milk a cow, I always know it will not be difficult to be in business with him... I can tell from miles away, yes. Woody Allen is not ever going to milk a cow.”

"[Klaus Kinski] refused offers by Fellini, Kurosawa, and others,” Herzog explained. “It was clear to him that the films we made would define him. Why does he refuse an offer by Fellini, for example? Because the thought he made bad films. And I share his opinion."

Those are from Werner Herzog's recent interview with GQ, via. I couldn't choose between the two of them and then I realized this is my damned blog, I don't have to choose if I don't wanna! Anyway, bless that singular man.

As for the second quote, thank goodness Klaus turned down those fools! He might never have made the spectacular spectacle Crawlspace if he hadn't, and the cinema would be that much emptier because of it.

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I Was So Excited For A Minute...

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... when I read the title of this article at Fangoria. But their first paragraph squashed my dreams immediately.

Greg McLean slips into “CRAWLSPACE”

No, the WOLF CREEK director isn’t involved in a remake of the 1986 film starring Klaus Kinski, but he will be executive producing a new project titled CRAWLSPACE—a sci-fi/action thriller that has started production at Docklands Studios Melbourne.

CRAWLSPACE is the directorial debut of Justin Dix, principal of the award-winning special FX make-up studio, Wicked of Oz. His credits include STAR WARS: EPISODE II & III, DYING BREED, STORM WARNING, LAKE MUNGO and THE LOVED ONES. The film’s ensemble cast of local actors are led by Ditch Davey and Amber Clayton. The story follows a squad of elite soldiers sent to infiltrate and extract the lead science team from Pine Gap, Australia’s top secret underground military compound, after it comes under attack from unknown forces. The mission is compromised when they encounter a young woman with no memory of who she is or how she came to be there. As they try to escape, the group quickly discovers all is not as it seems and the facility has become a testing ground for something far more sinister.

“CRAWLSPACE is a very exciting and ambitious project that I am thrilled to be involved in,” McLean says. “Justin Dix is a promising new filmmaker, and, true to the science fiction/thriller genre, he has created a nail-biting script with plenty of scope for the actors and special effects team.”

Yeah blah blah Greg, I was all set for the astonishing talent that is Tané's triumphant return to the spotlight! And now you've ruined my dreams. Ruined!

 

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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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As I said this past Tuesday in my post devoted to the wonders of the wondrous 1986 Klaus Kinski slasher called Crawlspace, there is a lotta wonder within this wondrous movie to behold. So much there was no way I'd ever contain it within just one post. Looking thru that earlier post I see I never even mentioned the film's leading lady slash final girl Lori...


But, well, in my defense, how the hell does that compare when there's a gal the caliber of Tané floating around on ethereal plumes of feminine effervescence? Tané gobbles up the conversation. Tané is the conversation.


See what I mean? Tané has no place in setting the scene for this post here but I can't help myself. I've never known love like this before. Ahem. Must... extricate... self... from Tané....


Okay, that's better. So besides not making time in that previous post for the movie's actual leading lady, there's also this whole sub-plot in the movie involving this dude that's convinced - correctly, of course - that Dr. Klaus Kinski killed his brother. He's been hunting KK down for years, and has finally found him. Why he doesn't go straight to the cops I don't know, but instead he sneaks around the apartment building, making the ladies who live there nervous, giving KK time to build this:

As he has just unassailably proven, Klaus Kinski can violate the laws of physics. Since there's nothing beneath that chair in the long shot, that arrow must come up out of a different dimension or something. Makes sense to me. He is Klaus fuckin' Kinski, after all. Anyway it's important we get shown this test run with the chair because when the real shit goes down - or, that is, the arrow goes up the shitter (poetic, I know) - you'd be forgiven for having no fucking clue what just happened otherwise.

(He's taking note of a toy Nazi boat. So should you.)

God, no one reacts to anything with any sense at all in this movie. I put so many frames of this guy's reaction there because WTF. An arrow just shot up your ass, dude! You don't have to sneeze! Arrow! Ass! God.

But, like with so much in Crawlspace, a man getting a button-activated arrow shoved up his rump isn't even the ace in the hole (as it were). No that comes a couple of scenes later when Klaus Kinski has decided he's ready to kill Lori, our boring leading lady. First, he phones her up and sneers the following at her:

Only coming from Klaus Kinski's lips that sounds like, "Hoooooz schvimming in your baaathtub?" and if I don't prank call somebody just once in my life by screaming that at them and then hanging up then I cannot say that I have lived. Anyway cue Lori getting her investigatin' on.

This is the greatest movie ever made.
Heil Gunther indeed.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed -- Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run -- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance -- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head.