5 Off My Head: The Steak F*cker Supreme

The sparkling vampire with the iconic up-do is celebrating his 40th today! Robert Pattinson aka RPattz is officially the big four-oh, slamming the door not just on twinkdom but twunkdom altogether. Which is fine by me because our man just keeps getting better and finer with age -- I don't care what people are saying about his wonky accent work in The Odyssey or Dune 3 trailers, as I love it when Rob gifts us a wonky accent. Remember his Pepé Le Pew accent work in The King? 

You probably don't remember that, because who remembers The King. But it made that entire movie spring to life, it did, I swear. Anyway I'm going to finally give you my list of five favorite performances now, and lemme tell you -- one of these is a favorite quite possibly entirely due to the accent he adopts for the film. (I won't say which one and it could go for several but I mean one specifically and if you've seen it you probably know what one I'm talking about.) Anyway it took some time (I still haven't seen a single Twilight movie) but I've fully come to love it whenever Rob shows up anywhere -- I do miss...

... the interviews where he'd gleefully spit out nonsense like how he really jerked off on camera because he couldn't fake an oh-face for that Gay Salvador Dali movie he made, but I guess he's 40 now. He has to be semi-respectable. Hehe "semi." Well clearly turning 40 didn't make me grow up! Take note, Rob!

My 5 Favorite Robert Pattinson Performances

Connie, Good Time

"You know what, tonight, as fucked up as it is, I just think... I think something very important is happening and it's deeply connected to my purpose. And I think that you are somehow connected to it as well. I mean, do you feel me at all? Or do I just sound like a total faggot?"

Thomas, The Lighthouse

"Goddamn yer farts! You smell like piss, you smell like jism, like rotten dick, like curdled foreskin, like hot onions fucked a farmyard shit-house. "

Jackson, Die My Love

"Maybe if I spend a little less time with my hands down my pants and a little more time writing, maybe I'd write something, maybe."

Monte, High Life

"The sensation of moving backwards even though we are moving forwards, getting further from what's getting nearer, sometimes I just can't stand it."

Samuel, Damsel

"Regular horses don't have names,
they're just, uh, you know, regular."

-------------------------------

Runners-up: Mickey 17, The Lost City of Z,
Cosmopolis, Maps To the Stars 

 So what are your favorites?

The Way To My Heart is With Cox

It's Friday! Thank Cox. I hate how hard I wish weeks by these days, given the amount of weeks I have less in my life... well it feels like the hourglass is fatter on the bottom now. But the world's just too much of a disaster and I need my two days of shutdown more than ever. And just think -- it's only 80 days until Memorial Day and then I get my three-day weekends again! Yippee! And then after that it's practically 2028 and we'll have a new President. Well, probably. Ugh and with that my stomach dropped -- see why I just need to be offline and on the floor for two full days?? 

Glad I don't have to review MICKEY 17 because it's like ten movies at once and only half of them are working but it's also really fun at times (I LOVE THE CREEPERS SO MUCH) and there is this shot of Robert Pattinson's ass that is absolutely to die for so consider yourself somewhat educated

[image or embed]

— Jason Adams (@jamnpp.bsky.social) March 7, 2025 at 1:14 PM

Aaaaaanyway there are two count 'em two movies of note out this weekend -- one is Bong Joon-ho's Mickey 17 which I wrote the world's briefest review of above. It probably deserves more effort than that but... see everything I said at the start pof this post. I'm fucking spent, man. The other movie out this weekend is the horror film The Rule of Jenny Pen and I actually wrote a proper review of that one! But [insert 'womp womp' sound effect here] it's not going up onto Pajiba until tomorrow I believe. So you'll have to wait 24 hours for those thoughts. Will the wait be worth it? Probably not! I have nothing interesting to say! And that's why now I'm going home to collapse. Goodbye!

44 Until 17

Just as I can't seem to remember the number in the title of Bong Joon-ho's new movie -- every time I'm like, "Is it Mickey 18? 19? 12?" -- I certainly can never remember its release date because it's basically had 17 of those. But here with this new poster release let's look it up like a proper "reporter" and do y'all a solid -- as of today, January 22nd 2025, Mickey 17 is scheduled to release in theaters in the United States on March 7th. That's 44 days from today. Maybe they can go back in and photoshop Robert Pattinson's head a little bit better on this poster in that time? That is one awkward giant head floating on a tiny disembodied body. 

Robert Pattinson Eleven Times

Old photos, practically ancient -- all the way back to the start of December! A month ago! But somehow I totally 100% missed this profile of Robert Pattinson in the New York Times Style Magazine -- but since our Bat-boy is wearing leather pants no matter how many of you have already caressed these photos with your eyeballs they gotta get themselves posted. I imagine this slab o' press was pre-scheduled for when Rob's movie with Bong Joon-ho Mickey17 was meant to come out in January, but then the damned movie moved on the calendar yet again -- now it's coming out in March. Or so they say! They keep Lucy-with-the-football'ing it down the road. Well if the studio has to be a dick about it at least we've got these photos to comfort (and re-comfort) ourselves. Hit the jump for them all...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

Memories of Murder (2003)

Detective Park Doo-Man: Once this dries, 

the stain will form the shape of the murderer's face.

A happy birthday to the legend Song Kang-ho today! This

is such a great movie. Probably my favorite Bong Joon-ho movie.

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Stoker (2013)

India: Have you ever seen a picture of yourself, taken when you didn't know you were being photographed, from an angle that you don't usually see when you look in a mirror, and you think: "That's me... that's ALSO me."

Happy 10 to director Park Chan-wook's fantastic stab at making a movie here in the States, Stoker -- who could have foreseen that ten years later we'd be finishing up yet another Oscar season where Park Chan-wook made a movie deserving all of the awards and ended up left high and dry yet again? I mean, I could've -- he's too good for the Oscars, and yes that's also intended as the slightest of digs at his South Korean contemporary Bong Joon-ho, whose movies are far less thorny and more digestible than Park's when it comes down to it. I said what I said! PS here is a thing I wrote about how good Mia Wasikowska is in this movie a few years back. And here is a post on the film's most perverse scene (which is clearly saying a lot), pictured below:

Robert Pattinson Five Times

These are via the Evening Standard, where they mostly chat with Rob about his duties as Dior brand ambassador -- you know, riveting stuff -- but he does talk a little bit about filming on Mickey 17, Bong Joon-ho's new movie that has him playing clones, so maybe skim the chat if you care. But the pictures are the best part -- what happened to the Rob who'd talk about jerking off all the time, dang it? -- and I've got you covered there. Hit the jump for them...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

The Humans (2021)

Erik: It's snowing out there.

Richard: I think someone from a

higher floor just emptied their ashtray.

I hope this movie doesn't end up totally forgotten -- I really loved it but it seemed to entirely slip through the cracks during awards season last year. One of the casualties of late year glut. I say definitely seek it out if you missed it. Anyway a happy birthday to Steven Yeun today!

The former Walking Dead star is turning 39 -- I don't know whether it was his decision to leave TWD or the producers but whoever made it as gross and awful as it was in its moment it ended up being the best decision ever! Because 1) it gave him the freedom to become a movie star, which he's pulled off with great aplomb, and 2) it finally cut the cord with me (and many many other viewers) from that show -- when they killed Glenn I never went back and never missed it for a second. Did any of you stick with it? 

Anyway Yeun has several projects lined up after this summer's successful team-up with Jordan Peele and Nope -- the most important one appears to be that he's re-teaming with Okja director Bong Joon-ho for Mickey 17 alongside Robert Pattinson, and I can't believe I hadn't posted that teaser trailer above yet. That's not even out until March of 2024 but listen to the cast -- Yeun and Pattinson and Toni Collette and Mark Ruffalo and Naomi Ackie (who's playing Whitney Houston in her biopic out this weekend). It's based on Edward Ashton's sci-fi novel Mickey7 -- wonder why they added ten to the title -- about a clone employee sent to colonize an ice planet. It sounds like Severance meets Edge of Tomorrow. 

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Hereditary (2018)

 

Peter: You okay, Mom?

Annie: What?

Peter: Is there something on your mind?

Annie: Is there something on *your* mind?

Peter: Just seems like there... might be something you... wanna say.

Steve: Peter.

Annie: Like what? I mean, why would I wanna say something so I can watch you sneer at me?

Peter: Sneer at you? I don't ever sneer at you.

Annie: Oh, sweetie, you don't have to. You get your point across.

Peter: Okay, so, fine, then say what you wanna say, then.

Steve: Peter.

Annie: I don't wanna say anything. I've tried saying...

Peter: Okay, so try again. Release yourself.

Annie: Oh, release you, you mean?

Peter: Yeah, fine, release me, just say it! Just fucking say it!

Annie: DON'T you swear at me, you little shit! Don't you EVER raise your voice at me! I am your mother! You understand? All I do is worry and slave and defend you, and all I get back is that fucking face on your face! So full of disdain and resentment and always so annoyed! Well, now your sister is dead! And I know you miss her and I know it was an accident and I know you're in pain and I wish could take that away for you. I WISH I could shield you from the knowledge that you did what you did, but you're sister is dead! She's gone forever! And what a waste... if it could've maybe brought us together, or something, if you could've just said "I'm sorry" or faced up to what happened, maybe then we could do something with this, but you can't take responsibility for anything! So, now I can't accept. And I can't forgive. Because... because NOBODY admits anything they've done!

I might have to start quoting this scene from Hereditary every November 1st now that I have noticed that today is the birthday of both Toni Collette and Alex Wolff. Not that Toni's speech doesn't run through my head at least once a week anyway. "THAT FUCKING FACE ON YOUR FACE." That line is such perfect writing. It's exactly the sort of half-thought out thing you'd say when you're angry that actually represents the truest essence of the thing -- you'd try to say something more clever if you were thinking straight but the words are just flying out and you stumble on a perfect thing like that. Goddamn I can't wait for Ari Aster's next movie!

But back to the birthday people -- what's next for these two? Toni, who always has a billion projects lined up, has a billion projects lined up -- the most exciting one is probably Mickey7, Bong Joon-ho's next movie which also stars Robert Pattinson and Mark Ruffalo; see my previous post here. As for Alex he works less, which sucks! Why aren't people snatching him up after Hereditary, in which he more than held his own against a world-class Colette? That said he's got a role in Chris Nolan's Oppenheimer, so it's not like he's hurting! And he's got two small-sounding projects lined up, as well -- a movie called The Line (the photo below is from the set of that) and a movie called Untold; I don't recognize any of the other people involved on either project. Fingers crossed for fresh talent!

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Okja (2017)

Jay: He still hasn't eaten anything?

Blond: No, he's, uh... still trying to leave the

smallest footprint on the planet that he can.

Silver: All food production is exploitative.

Blond: Try this.

Silver: Mmm-mmm.

Blond: Come on. It's just a tomato.

Silver: Ripened in ethylene gas. Transported in trucks.

Jay: I admire your conviction, Silver,

but your pallid complexion concerns me.

Y'all have picked up your blu-rays of Okja from Criterion already right? It hit disc last week and Amazon has got both the normal edition and the 4K on half-price sale right now so you really have no excuse! I haven't seen this movie since it came out but I've been dying to revisit -- I actually meant to watch my copy of it this past weekend but I somehow got dragged into a bunch of junky Norman J. Warren movies instead for some weird reason. (Terror though was a damn trip!) May Jake forgive me!

Go Kyung-Pyo Eight Times

Today's big news, worthy of its own post really, is the news that Parasite director Bong Joon-ho has just announced his next movie and it will be his first English-language film and it will star Robert f'ing Pattinson. Deadline has all the deets but the gist is its an adaptation of a book called Mickey7 that has not come out yet -- it's a sci-fi novel about space travel and clones that's out in February, read the plot or pick up a copy at this link. Anyway that's the actual news, but whenever I read about Bong it makes me think about my actual favorite South Korean director, Park Chan-wook, and ask myself when the hell are we gonna get his next thing?!? It's been six years since his last film The Handmaiden came out and four since his miniseries The Little Drummer Girl, and it's been a year and a half since his to-be-next project was announced -- called Decision To Leave it stars Lust Caution's great Tang Wei, and the fella you see here named Go Kyung-Pyo...

... and the actor Park Hae-il, who's actually previously worked with Bong Joon-ho a lot (he was in Memories of Murder and The Host). I know the story is about a detective (Hae-il) investigating a widow for possibly murdering her husband -- I wonder if Go (who's a comedian and TV star I think mainly) is playing the dead husband? Anyway IMDb thankfully has this movie listed as "Filming" so maybe we will finally get a new Park Chan-wook movie dammit. That's all I want. Well that's not true -- also I want to look at this photoshoot of Go Kyung-Pyo looking bright and goofy for Esquire. Hit the jump for it...

I Don't Know No Oscar

So... apparently... I don't know if you heard this... the Oscars are this weekend? I know I'm annoying enough about it that my stance probably seems like a pose I've adopted or whatever -- "I'm the cool guy who thinks awards are dumb, nyah!" -- but I really have paid less interest to the usual awards season antics this year than ever, and that's saying a lot. Because I am on "Film Twitter" I have some vague sense of what's nominated -- I could probably rattle off most of what's up for Best Picture if you held a gun to my head, but just because they're the movies I keep seeing the tweets about. I really have not looked at the list of nominees since the day they were announced and even then it was only cursory.

Update: Nope

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) April 22, 2021

I think the Oscars are nonsense, but more than that I think they are actively harmful nonsense, for those of us who actually care about The Movies, in that they reduce our conversations about Film Art to statistics in the place of true meaningful discussion...

It's also (and this is QUITE THE LOSS for y'all) why I usually lose interest every year in writing about movies currently nominated -- the conversations aren't happening on the film's terms, they're too often about all this extraneous bullshit. I'll write about Nomadland in 2023!

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) April 13, 2021

... and they just suck every ounce of air and life out of the place. But I do still watch the dumb damn show every year, because I do love watching movie-stars put on fancy clothes and mingling with one another more than I do a lot of other things I could be doing. And this year specifically I am pretty excited to see what the show's producer, one Steven Soderbergh, has got up his sleeve -- he keeps talking about the production feeling cinematic, like a movie itself, and I have no idea what to expect but I do know that Steven Soderbergh is a bigger movie buff than all of us put together and the dude knows how to put glamour and celebrity on a pedestal when he wants to. I'm sold. 

Just don't ask me who's nominated for what. But I'll be watching, and not knowing who's nominated going in will give me my own fun game of, "Oh shit, [that person] is nominated! Look at their poofy dress and/or poofy tuxedo! Oh what a night!" It won't be the same game all the awards punditry are playing, shuffling around percentages like bedazzled Rain Men, but it'll be it's own damn thing. So -- and wow, what a sell this has been! -- follow me on Twitter if you don't already, as I'll no doubt be live-tweeting the night in my own fashion. Or tell me in the comments of this post what you're rooting for, or rooting against, or neither, or both. Oh and have a great weekend! Maybe find some time to watch a piece of trash that never ever would've gotten nominated for shit, like Tammy and the T-Rex!

Criterion is Made at Night

So I just fiiiiinally got the Criterion Channel a couple of weeks ago and it's truly an astonishment, more content than I could ever come to grips with. My list grows by bounds every day, until finally, one eve, it will topple and crush me and I can't imagine a finer fate. Anyway that's my way of prefacing a complaint, imagine that, that they don't have more Frank Borzage films! It could be a rights thing -- I think a lot of Borzage's movies were for Fox and now Disney owns Fox and we all know how that is going. (Insert barf emoji here.) But what it comes down to is I really want an American boxed-set of the Janet Gaynor & Charles Farrell films...

Watched a collection of Old Hollywood paparazzi footage on TCM that included blessed footage of my man Charles Farrell on a red carpet pic.twitter.com/e3or9JwX52

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) January 2, 2021

... all twelve of them! Besides The Devils on blu-ray it's the Movie Thing I want the most of all. And I feel like Criterion is the place where I could get that, at least most respectfully. I do have a foreign set (not this out-of-print one unfortunately, which looks like an absolute dream) that includes a couple of the films -- Street Angel and 7th Heaven, which were in particular directed by Borzage -- but my ass is greedy. Anyway I thought of all this today, here on the grand occasion of our monthly Criterion Announcement Day, because Criterion is indeed releasing a Frank Borzage film on disc. It's not one that stars Farrell & Gaynor though...

... it's the 1937 adventure-romance History is Made at Night, starring Jean Arthur and Charles Boyer. Have any of you seen it? I have not but it sounds grand, and I've never disliked a single Borzage film yet of the several I've seen, even the ones that don't star Farrell & Gaynor, so I've got high hopes for this one. It's also on the Channel right now, it appears, so maybe I'll watch it this weekend! Here's how it's described:

"Suffused with intoxicating romanticism, History Is Made at Night is a sublime paean to love from Frank Borzage, classic Hollywood’s supreme poet of carnal and spiritual desire. On the run through Europe from her wealthy, cruelly possessive husband, an American (Jean Arthur) is thrown together by fate with a suave stranger (Charles Boyer)—and soon the two are bound in a consuming, seemingly impossible affair that stretches across continents and brings them to the very edge of catastrophe. Lent a palpable erotic charge by the chemistry between its leads, this delirious vision of lovers beset by the world passes through a dizzying array of tonal shifts—from melodrama to romantic comedy to noir to disaster thriller—smoothly guided by Borzage’s unwavering allegiance to the power of love. "

That sounds right up my alley. A disaster thriller! Yes please. You can pre-order it (and see all of the usual reams of extra bonus special features) over on Criterion's website. And per usual that's not all Criterion has on tap for the month of April -- they're also dropping a no-doubt gorgeous restoration of Bong Joon-ho's probable-best flick Memories of Murder, they're also also dropping Olivier Assayas' grandly weird Maggie Cheung vehicle Irma Vep, and they're also also also dropping Jean-luc Godard's Masculin Feminin, and they're also also also also dropping Anthony Mann's grand 1950 Western The Furies starring our queen Barbara Stanwyck! This is a fantastic line-up of features...

And With That, Happy 40 to Jake Gyllenhaal

After a full week of celebrating Jake Gyllenhaal, this is it and it is here, folks -- it's his 40th birthday today! We've come so far! You shoulder never ever underestimate my ability to stretch my Jake Gyllenhaal obsession unto total annihilation for all parties involved. On that note, even though I recapped the entire week as it went along, it just feels right to give us a round-up of everything in one final post. So here be links to all of Jake Week!

Day 1: Jake's Finest Nutters

Day 2: Jake's Best Costumes

Day 3: Jake's Best Nudity

Day 4: Jake's Best Partners

Day 5: Jake's Best Movies, Ranked!

I also included some bonus content in the Twitter thread I kept up all week for this series, so make sure you click over and check that out. There are very important pieces of the puzzle to be seen therein. Very important! 

I truly should have made this holy rectangle of space the site's banner for this week pic.twitter.com/OmHOGO68oa

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) December 18, 2020

Anyway I live in abject terror every day of my life that my fanboying over Jake will ever be seen by his own big beautiful eyeballs so god forbid he read this message himself, but we here at MNPP truly do wish him the best 40th birthday. He's been my favorite actor for 19 years and counting, and I don't foresee that changing any time soon. He continues to challenge himself and do strong, interesting work, and the projects he's got lined up on IMDb (all of which we've covered in minute detail already, of course) all sound like shit I wanna watch. Good work, and Happy Birthday, You.

And now a bonus! Because I am incapable of ever stopping. And also y'all deserve a treat after all this rambling. I noticed when I worked on the nudity list on Wednesday that Jake has a nude scene I've somehow never posted here on the site, which... well, that is a truly, wildly inexplicable thing. It's from Velvet Buzzsaw, he does the cutest little "hey here's my butt" waddle, and I've got the whole thing giffed right on after the jump...

10 Off My Head: Jake the Top

If you haven't been here all week... what, you have something better to do? You know we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? We're in the middle of a pandemic, it's literally life or death out there, and you still can't come to MNPP before Friday? I mean, I am trying to not be offended here. Trying, but failing. It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'll carry on. So like I was saying, if you haven't been here all week to see it, because you've been, I don't know, preferring to stare at the wall then read all my hard work or whatever, then you've missed that I've spent all week celebrating the 40th birthday of the actor Jake Gyllenhaal, which is tomorrow. 

I've been celebrating with lists! Ridiculous lists! Monday I did his best nutbag roles, Tuesday I did his greatest costumes, Wednesday I went lascivious and stared at his bum a bunch, and yesterday I picked his best screen partners. For today, our final day, I figured I'd better go big or go home. I mean I'd love to go home. Did I mention the pandemic? We should all be home. But I digress. Here on our last day of list-making I challenged myself to a most painful proposition. I have decided to not just pick my ten favorite Jake movies... BUT TO RANK THEM. Oh my god this one hurt, you guys. I am bloody, my brains are battered, and all for your entertainment. Enjoy!

My 10 Favorite Jake Gyllenhaal Movies... Ranked!!!

10. Jarhead (dir. Sam Mendes)

9. Okja (dir. Bong Joon-ho)

8. Source Code (dir. Duncan Jones)

7. The Sisters Brothers (dir. Jacques Audiard)

6. Zodiac (dir. David Fincher)

5. Wildlife (dir. Paul Dano)

4. Donnie Darko (dir. Richard Kelly)

3. Nightcrawler (dir. Dan Gilroy)

2. Enemy (dir. Denis Villenueve)

1. Brokeback Mountain (dir. Ang Lee)

------------------------------------------

That number one was obvious from outer space, I'm sure.

Now tell me yours in the comments...