Empty

After reading her, I have a million thoughts running through my mind.

S asked me why I looked so upset last night - I told her the truth. It isn't worth talking about. It really isn't.

******
I found her blog by accident; it was linked from some other lab rat's blog.
The mask was stripped away.

There were shades of the woman I thought I fell in love with - but there was someone else too. Just a few days ago it felt like only yesterday that we seemed to be falling for each other. Yesterday it felt like an eternity ago - if it even happened at all.

I thought she was different because she had insight into right and wrong.
I thought that made her a good person. I assumed that with insight comes a desire to change for the better.

I can only wish that it was because she had too much free time on her hands to think idle thoughts, and to be influenced by the trite mindsets of the people around her - I can only wish that without lives to save and responsibilities to fulfil to other people it wasn't her fault; it wasn't her fault. It wasn't her fault.

I can only wish. I see myself for what I am - in denial.

*****
I want to be able to hate you.
I want to be able to write down hateful thoughts streaming through my mind, the ways I feel lied to, the people you claimed meant nothing to you whom you "ensnare in your nets" now.

Because then I'll know I had really loved you; because that's how it works, love turns to hate when things fall apart. It's a coping mechanism.
I want to feel a sense of loss.

But all I feel now is emptiness.
All I feel is nothing. I've never been here before. It does make things easier to cope with. It could be a boon to someone else. But it's so damn pathetic. I don't know if I ever fell in love with you, or if I fell in love with someone else, who looked and sounded just like you, but wasn't.

I want to know that all my love... wasn't wasted on you. And that maybe you loved me too.

I want to know it wasn't all a lie.