the sudden warmth about his eyes caught him by surprise.
stupid. so very stupid.
he would have left earlier had he pre empted it. It is not... decent to let these things be witnessed.
and now it simply remains a matter of time...
I do not wish to venture in uninvited; nor wish to linger, unwanted.
I'll miss all of this, all of it. And especially You.
You, of course, will not do anything of the sort, and one of the new flames who doubtlessly messages you daily with the passion of youth and determination will administer you his gentle amnesiac of love.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Horse and Charriage
It's been a while, hasn't it.
The Other Half has been egging me on to write for the longest time, till she tired of it and stopped. Somehow I've always found reasons not to write, not the least of all being the all- encompassing, all-consuming Final Examination.
I'm guessing she doesn't even check this blog anymore for updates; perhaps I've become too familiar to her, too much of a known entity. On some chinese serial on telly the other day two evil women opined that one must never open up too much in marriage, always preserve some mystique or else your partner will flutter away...... Then the "good" character opined that she believed in absolute trust, till of course the "twist". Chinese serials are all about twists and turns and very not-irony, really. Now she suspects her husband of cheating on her, for all that purported talk of trust. I bet the script writers really have a ball dreaming up which new unlikely and implausable plot device to employ next. That's what makes watching the serials so compelling, really. To see if you're one step ahead of the plot, or not.
Perhaps that's why Singaporean serials fail where hong kong ones shine - a lack of creative duplicity. Anyway, I digress.
I watched a peer yield to the forces of matrimony the other day. A peer not (just) because of his career, but because he was a blogger once too, and because of the way he wrote which I sort-of identified with.
They hadn't been going out for that long, just about two years methinks.
But leaving jokes about shotgun wielding in laws aside, he yielded - quite gracefully in truth, in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand in an even mix of envy and sugar-overload - and watching him I felt a strange mix of happiness and sadness.
It was the perfect wedding - lavish, extravagent, flawless, and the happy couple and their families were - disgustingly radiant. Disgustingly. I couldn't help but smile - along with the thousands of other people who were there, I bet - for them. I almost wished I could have mounted the podium and waxed lyrical about the hope I had for them - which everyone else in the room doubtlessly, watching their forty five minute video (which was like being bludgeoned soundlessly to death with a six foot chocolate cake) and listening to love and marriage being like a horse and charriage... gah. And about a long time ago when I first made A's acquaintence, and how he had turned out to be a friend worth keeping.
It was so not the wedding I would ever wish upon myself. Laugh. But it suited them to a T.
I'm rather more low brow, or so I tell myself. Quiet, reserved. Happy without showing it. Perhaps I have taiwanese blood?
So whither marriage?
There're a million opinions out there, when and how, who and who not to marry, good boys, bad boys, good girls, bad girls, play around before marriage or settle down with the golden catch. It's enough to make your head spin.
Watch enough serials and talk to enough people and you'll have more than enough information to become - thoroughly confused. (kinda like studying for this stupid exam)
I remember running once, from L, when I woke up one morning so very comfortably in bed. Everything a comfortable haze, my mind in low gear for the last two years; I wrote about this once on my previous blog. It was like rising from the depths of a spongecake.
I was wasting her time, and mine - I didn't love her in the right way to marry her.
And then again, with P, when committment became a vague reality I realised how little right I had to waste someone else's time. How little right I had to waste the time of someone four years older... and by that dint (sigh how silly I was) "old" -- too old to be "playing" at couples setting up house.
If I had to peg a character type to myself, I would mark me a committment phobe.
Yet with G, and now with the current other half...
... have I changed?
A decade and a million thoughts later from the time I first opened my bleary eyes and felt stark awareness hit me in the face...
... I think perhaps I'm at the point where I don't know the answers anymore; I just know when I love someone enough to stay forever, and when I don't.
When infatuation fades and leaves us with (as the sermon the other day went) Agape love... is that Agape love right for you, or not?
The rest - about giving other people chances not to waste their lives... about security being the antithesis to love
... excuses. Just another way to say - I didn't love her enough.
I was selfish.
That's the way it goes.
The Other Half has been egging me on to write for the longest time, till she tired of it and stopped. Somehow I've always found reasons not to write, not the least of all being the all- encompassing, all-consuming Final Examination.
I'm guessing she doesn't even check this blog anymore for updates; perhaps I've become too familiar to her, too much of a known entity. On some chinese serial on telly the other day two evil women opined that one must never open up too much in marriage, always preserve some mystique or else your partner will flutter away...... Then the "good" character opined that she believed in absolute trust, till of course the "twist". Chinese serials are all about twists and turns and very not-irony, really. Now she suspects her husband of cheating on her, for all that purported talk of trust. I bet the script writers really have a ball dreaming up which new unlikely and implausable plot device to employ next. That's what makes watching the serials so compelling, really. To see if you're one step ahead of the plot, or not.
Perhaps that's why Singaporean serials fail where hong kong ones shine - a lack of creative duplicity. Anyway, I digress.
I watched a peer yield to the forces of matrimony the other day. A peer not (just) because of his career, but because he was a blogger once too, and because of the way he wrote which I sort-of identified with.
They hadn't been going out for that long, just about two years methinks.
But leaving jokes about shotgun wielding in laws aside, he yielded - quite gracefully in truth, in a way that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand in an even mix of envy and sugar-overload - and watching him I felt a strange mix of happiness and sadness.
It was the perfect wedding - lavish, extravagent, flawless, and the happy couple and their families were - disgustingly radiant. Disgustingly. I couldn't help but smile - along with the thousands of other people who were there, I bet - for them. I almost wished I could have mounted the podium and waxed lyrical about the hope I had for them - which everyone else in the room doubtlessly, watching their forty five minute video (which was like being bludgeoned soundlessly to death with a six foot chocolate cake) and listening to love and marriage being like a horse and charriage... gah. And about a long time ago when I first made A's acquaintence, and how he had turned out to be a friend worth keeping.
It was so not the wedding I would ever wish upon myself. Laugh. But it suited them to a T.
I'm rather more low brow, or so I tell myself. Quiet, reserved. Happy without showing it. Perhaps I have taiwanese blood?
So whither marriage?
There're a million opinions out there, when and how, who and who not to marry, good boys, bad boys, good girls, bad girls, play around before marriage or settle down with the golden catch. It's enough to make your head spin.
Watch enough serials and talk to enough people and you'll have more than enough information to become - thoroughly confused. (kinda like studying for this stupid exam)
I remember running once, from L, when I woke up one morning so very comfortably in bed. Everything a comfortable haze, my mind in low gear for the last two years; I wrote about this once on my previous blog. It was like rising from the depths of a spongecake.
I was wasting her time, and mine - I didn't love her in the right way to marry her.
And then again, with P, when committment became a vague reality I realised how little right I had to waste someone else's time. How little right I had to waste the time of someone four years older... and by that dint (sigh how silly I was) "old" -- too old to be "playing" at couples setting up house.
If I had to peg a character type to myself, I would mark me a committment phobe.
Yet with G, and now with the current other half...
... have I changed?
A decade and a million thoughts later from the time I first opened my bleary eyes and felt stark awareness hit me in the face...
... I think perhaps I'm at the point where I don't know the answers anymore; I just know when I love someone enough to stay forever, and when I don't.
When infatuation fades and leaves us with (as the sermon the other day went) Agape love... is that Agape love right for you, or not?
The rest - about giving other people chances not to waste their lives... about security being the antithesis to love
... excuses. Just another way to say - I didn't love her enough.
I was selfish.
That's the way it goes.
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