When a game bothers to put the legal disclaimer right in the title, something's either very right, or very wrong. But someone always has to come along and lower the bar, right? What better way than to throw slack-jawed yokels off train cars and onto trashcans? Toss some trampolines, baseball bats, and good old-fashioned babe-based titillation into the mix and you've got America's Heartland. All that's missing is a Chevy endorsement. Sure, this all sounds better than a pig roast, but is it just another way to sell trash to teens? Since Eidos dropped a build of Backyard Wrestling into my previously clean lap, this is the tell-all expose. Read it here before I take it to Jerry Springer.

Do we really need more mindlessly violent wrestling games? Is that a real question? No mistake, this is a violent game. The player models sport real-time damage, and when you've just been kicked in the face by a stripper, there's bound to be a mark. But the violence is cartoony -- very much an MTV Celebrity Deathmatch sort of thing. At the very least, the fake shaky-cam realism of the real Backyard franchise has been left behind.

No fighting in the food court!

The only play mode available in the demo build was exhibition, though the grayed-out menu options teased me with talk show, bonus games, and create a wrestler. But the simple one-on-one matches show off a lot of what's in store. First thing's first: This isn't exactly "Aki goes Oklahoma." The grappling engine actually plays more competently than you'd expect, but it's still a little bit slippery. Hold reversals are common, but the second half of a bout typically consists of one weakened player being thrown into every surface possible. At that point BW becomes more like a brawling game than a hardcore wrestler.

If it's hardcore grappling you're looking for, maybe it's time for a new glasses prescription. Read the title again and get back to me. Fans will probably be pleased, though, as there are quite a few good moves packed into Backyard, and the controls are easy enough that pulling them off doesn't require a seminar with Royce Gracie. And, once you get a handle on throwing opponents around, ragdolling makes for amusing hits and falls. That would be the Havok technology at work; pretty much everything in a room can move or be broken. Go ahead, swat Masked Mike with the tiki torch. It's cool.

Four arenas were open for my violent amusement: truck stop, gentlemen's club, television studio, and mansion. (That would be a replica of Hef's famous pad, by the way.) In some cases, as at the truck stop (how often do I get to say that?), the plentiful obstacles can hamper visibility, even with the smart transparencies going on. I think the point is that you're supposed to break all that stuff early on -- gotta remember to be smarter than the game. "Balanced" might be the wrong word to use for the arenas, but each features a good wide staging area with plenty of amusing options for takedowns and furniture throwing.

Bigger Pecs in 60 Days?

I am hoping that the graphics receive a small beef injection before the ship date. Nothing looks bad, but there's a real State Of Emergency look going on that could use some polish. The animations are all solid, but both the PS2 and Xbox are capable of pushing a lot more than this. Still, the cartoony approach has a lot of leeway, and it's very possible that when everything is tweaked the look will be right on for Backyard's mischievous, sophomoric tone.

Insane clowns? Not much of a stretch, really.
Character-wise, there's a lot to choose from. Of course, the Insane Clown Posse are in the mix, since this whole thing is kinda their fault in the first place. Those two fools also bear the most detail -- it's good to be the king. Hands down, my favorite wrestler was Evil Dead, a shambling mess wearing a wool cap that isn't afraid to ask for more brains. Chances to make a zombie with no face execute the Spinning Bulldog move come few in life, and I recommend savoring each one. But more horrifying is the digital Tylene Buck. The representation of the famous "fitness pinup" looks like a true trailer-park queen.

This build has a ways to go, and there are still quite a few issues to be ironed out. Still, it's easy to see that, as foolish as it may all be, the basic fighting engine is solid and fun for those who like unbridled mayhem. Give this one another coat of wax and it might be able to knock Def Jam: Vendetta out as wrestling party game of the year.