Today has been filled with tears but oh so glorious in that my grandmother is finally clear and home with grandpa. They are celebrating together tonight. As much as our hearts ache right now it is comforting to know she is right where she should be at this point in her life.
The last time...
As parents we celebrate all the firsts that happen in our children's lives. We are programmed to think of these achievements as life changing. I fall into this category of people. I can rattle off most of the “firsts” that happen without even thinking of where the baby book is to check my stats. This information has a permanent spot in my memory and I will cherish the memories that were made in the process. The firsts that have the most special places in my heart are when Gracelyn learned to walk. (13 ½ months) We were at our friends the Stones house and I remember bringing my camera that night just in case she took more than 3-4 steps and she did about 10 actually. Cannon started sucking his thumb at 4 months. I thought he would just do it every once in a while but he has stuck with it and it is the cutest thing. I love that about him. Mason started smiling the day after his 2 month check-up. The doctor asked if he was smiling and I said no but I bet it is soon. And the very next day he grinned so big. He’s so smart. I can tell by the look in his eyes.
The things that have the normal “firsts” attached to it are easy to remember and accept but I am having a hard time understanding the “lasts”. The last time Gracelyn said “Hold you” and started saying “Hold me”. The very last time she called lotion ju-juice. (That one lasted a long time) The last time she said her nose was sticking out for my nose is running. The last time she rode in her toddler car seat and started sitting in the big girl booster. That was huge for me. I know it was sometime around a year ago but I can’t remember the exact day. The last time Cannon had to be swaddled to sleep through the night. The last time he ate baby food and went the whole day eating real food. The last bottle I ever fed him. Mason will be 3 months old on Wednesday and he has is own lasts. I am hanging onto every one of them because I think he will be our last baby and I want to remember every single last time I do something with him. The firsts are great but the lasts are so memorable as well. Pretty soon there will be plenty for me to remember.
My Grandma May has Alzheimer’s and for the past 3 ½ years has lived in assisted living facilities or nursing homes. I remember so much as a child and our 2-week summer visits to the lake with grandma and grandpa. I loved helping in their garden, playing in the cellar, riding our bikes, and going fishing. It was a true summer experience. I remember it all vividly and looked forward to our trips. But today as I was taking pictures of her holding Mason I realized that I don’t remember the last time she called me by my name. That she actually knew it was me there and not just a relative. She knows we are related but it has been a while since she has known I was Keri. I have to explain to Gracelyn every time we go that Grandma will ask her age and her name every 2 minutes (no exaggeration) and that Gracelyn doesn’t need to get frustrated with her and just answer her again and again with a smile. Gracelyn always wants to bring up my Grandpa that died 4 years ago and it is sometimes comical to hear what Grandma will say. Because to Grandma, Leon/Daddy/Grandpa is just down the hall somewhere.I have tried to remember Grandma’s lasts and I can’t I wish I knew the last time she knew it was me coming through her door. I might get that someday because on rare occasions she does remember some people but I personally haven’t gotten to be one of those people. I hope that it does happen one day before she goes home. Just once for her to say Keri without being told it is me. I have accepted her illness and love that she is happy. She is happy and healthy for the most part but I have not accepted that she will not say Keri again. I thought I did but I guess I haven’t. I want to share my kids with her and for her to know that her youngest granddaughter has 3 kids of her own. That one of them is named after her. I want that so bad. All I can know for sure is that very soon she will have clarity in her head and her family will finally all be with her when she does go to heaven.
I never got the moment of her calling my name, but I was blessed with 33 years of her love and that is more than I could ever really ask for. We were so blessed with her sweet spirit and love of her family. She was fiercely loyal and had a sense of humor that was unbeatable. All I can do tonight is continue to stare at her picture and already miss her like crazy. I pray peace for my mom and aunts and uncle as they deal with the death of their mother. I pray strength for all my cousins and sister as we comfort our parents during the time. And I pray acceptance as we continue our lives with memories of a woman who was just so incredibly amazing!