THE PAPER BAG

Wow. I read a story this evening that blessed me big! 

What I'm sharing with you is the ending. 

It personifies all that I try to be about. 

I thought you would enjoy being reminded of

what you're about to read or that you might learn from it. 

Be blessed either way!

We have been wrong so many times judging others without

knowing the true story behind their actions. Be kind and courteous

in dealing with others, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.

Be careful, not everything is about you. 

Before you assume, ASK.

Don't just jump to conclusions, because that is really not an exercise.

It may cause you more harm at the end of the day.

Many of our problems are caused by how we process what happens

around us. Don't judge a situation you have never

been in. Be humble enough to learn. You do not know it all.

Let's change the way we feel about ourselves and others.

There are two sides to a story. Don't believe everything you hear.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Yay! Two posts in one week. What's come of me?? I'll tell you.....I feel so

strongly about what I have shared with you that I couldn't not post it. All of my readers, lurkers included ;), are dear to me and I want us all to be the best

we can be, thus this post. 

Have a glorious day, count your blessings and be grateful for all that God gives

you!

-x-

MY SAVING GRACE

I can't believe it's been an entire year since I posted on my blog.

However, when I think back to 2015 (actually 2013 - 2015) I realize that it's not surprising

that I haven't been around. It was a challenging year with many

new medical adventures.

if I wasn't so stinkin' cute I'd look odd. 

Let me bring you up to date. 

I now go to Houston to a Chronic Dry Eye Specialist.

I give my blood and they extract the plasma and put it in these 

thin "capsules" and I use my own plasma as the treatment

of my condition. They're called plasma tears.  

They're my eye drops! I will tell you that I was surprised

when Dr. P., after running some eye tests, told me

that I have zero moisture on my eyeballs.

This treatment is the first one that I've found that works great! 

Finally I only fight squiggles of dog hair finding their way onto my eyes! 

I am so grateful for Dr. Pflufelger. What a blessing he has been to me!

I finished up the surgeries on my left ankle. I ended up having two surgeries

in 2014 - one in April and one in December.

It was certainly a lesson in patience. I ended up having to 

wear a surgical boot to France, go to my son, Blake's, wedding

in a wheelchair of which I was in for 7 months. 

Dr. Casillas in San Antonio is such a great doctor

and surgeon. I have been blessed by him and his staff

for being so caring!

Last year in January I knew I was coming out of the surgical boot

and could get on with my life! I was zeroed in on one of my son's

friend's wedding in March. I love this kid and was so looking 

forward to going somewhere untethered!

If I tell you that his wedding gift is still in our garage

that should be all you need to hear! But, explaining why it is 

will show you why God is my saving grace.

For a few weeks I found myself short of breath some.

X-rays taken, specialist found, referral made, appointment kept.

I was out of the surgical boot and the wedding was 

coming up! I kept the appointment.......

I had known my pulmonary doctor about 10 minutes 

before (I allowed him; gave him the power) he completely destroyed me. 

You see, this appointment was the Monday before

the wedding weekend and I'm was still focused on

the fun we were going to have with all of Clay's college friends!

and I turn 8 with grace with my perfectly coiffed friends.

Okay, so the doctor takes a reading of my O2 level.

It's supposed to be between 95 -100. Mine was 79.

Since doctors are notorious about NOT explaining things 

this didn't register with me as something extremely dangerous for he didn't
seem concerned.

So when he told me he was admitting me to the hospital

right then, do not pass Go, do not attend the wedding,

I sobbed. I sobbed and asked very nicely while snot threatened
to spill out of my nose, for it to be put off

until after the wedding but he wouldn't budge (or give

me any information about what was going on).

He probably thought I was some crazy woman

folded over at the waist crying! I did notice that he backed 

up some. Shuffled actually. He shuffled when he walked.

Should have been my first clue.

I was in the hospital for 4 days. For two of those days

I cried. Sitting folded over at the waist in my 

comfortable hospital bed, I sobbed.

I was scared now. I was holding on to my hope,

the hope that I have always had these past 9 years

of medical stuff, hanging on by. a. thread.

So much so that I was very frightened that I wouldn't 

be able to hold on to my hope. I saw myself

hanging by that thread over a deep and very dark abyss.

In a moment I knew how close I was to losing my faith, my hope.

Oh, God, please, please HELP ME.

I have never been so frightened to lose something so dear to me.

My salvation. My God and His grace. Can you feel

my fear?? 

Somehow I managed to pull myself back. I don't think I'll ever forget

that moment. What a blessing to me to have hope even

in the midst of so much chronic pain.

"And now an update on the saga of JT's O2 adventures..."

I'm on O2 24/7, I have changed doctors from the shuffling little man

to an aggressive, very thorough and kinda preppy specialist in SAtown.

I ask a question and he answers it explaining his answer
as he goes along. What a blessing to have 

a doctor that wants to slow down the progression of my disease

which was misdiagnosed by my first doc. 

I have Bronchiectasis. It's chronic, progressive and also of the auto-immune family.

So many blessings in the middle of one of my scariest, most serious

diseases. God is my saving grace and He blesses me so much.

I am so grateful to have a God that loves me.

Then there's the kidney adventure but I'm tired of writing and 

you probably have to go to the bathroom. Let's just leave it at this - 

the kidney adventure is just that. An adventure full of blessings.

Live in gratitude. ~x~ 

DESPAIR.....AM I REALLY WORTHLESS?

Written once, now posted twice.
I originally wrote this post
in October of 2010 and posted it on "page 2" of my blog
which is very rarely seen by my readers.
This evening I received an email from a reader 
that read this post just yesterday and left me her feelings.
God spoke to me, I could hear him, as he urged me
 to finally post Despair on Page 1.

My reader's comments and my feelings after I re-read this post
tonight are what decided it for me. 
I could have written most of the original post
today. It is the same story, four years later.
I'm still fighting the good fight
and tripping over the obstacles, deep holes, 
relationships, valleys so deep the sun never shines,
 and even more chronic diseases to
add to my already overflowing list of "adventures"............
I'm going to re-post now, but am going to cut away the 
parts of the original post (which you can find on Page 2 -
look on the right hand side of my blog to find Page 2), 
that don't apply to today's story.....And so I begin........

I am so tired.

I am so tired of feeling tired.

When I think about how vibrant and active I was before my health started

 it's slide down the slippery, muddy hill of 'bad health', sometimes I cry. 

Not always. 

Most of the time I'm okay with where ever I am in life 

because of my unfaltering faith in the Lord

and my knowledge that it could always be worse.

But, let's face it, we all, all believers, doubt Him at some time. 

I'm very blessed and in knowing that I am able to keep my eyes on the Lord.

I've been through some horrible things 

and I've never lost sight of the Lord.

I would never falter.

Most days.

 ............I had a day three weeks ago where I felt despair.

"It's a funny thing when despair gets to you. 

It doesn't even feel like despair.

You don't think to yourself,

Oh, I have no hope.

Oh, I give up.

Oh, there's nothing I can do.

That's just every day complaining.

That's just feeling sorry for yourself.

Real despair is different.

It creeps up on you in disguise.

It comes as a kind of sleepiness,

a kind of heavy sadness that weighs you down.

It makes you lazy."

....."I didn't say to myself:

Don't give up.

I didn't say:

.....Never give in.

I didn't really say anything to myself.....

I was just too tired......"

............A weird and terrible thought began to work its way into my mind."

You're worthless.

You are just a sick, lazy woman

who isn't any good for any one.

The only reason anyone loves you

is because you're sick.
You're a DUTY, a PAIN.

You are such a BURDEN.

Your life is a joke.

"The thought was kind of like a whisper,

as if someone invisible were crouching next to me with his lips to my ear,

whispering very low.

The whisper was so low I didn't really even hear the words at first.

Slowly, they just sort of worked their way into my consciousness

until I was aware of them."

............"I rolled up into a sitting position.

I held my head in my hands and ...cried.

It was then that the despair rose up inside me with its true face.

That laziness,

that heavy sadness,

that sleepy passivity,

...the hopelessness that had crept up on me.

Now it was here in full force -

a horrible feeling,

a twisting, hollow anguish of despair."

I clasped my hands in front of my mouth.

"I wanted to pray.

I tried.

But I couldn't.

I couldn't even do that.

I was too afraid; that accusing whisper continued

to speak to me.

...I was afraid because I thought that

I might deserve  everything 

that was happening to me.

I was afraid to pray,

but I had to do something

and that was all I could think of.

I pressed my clasped hands hard against my mouth.

I bit into them.

I forced the words into my mind.

Please God.

Help me.

I'm beaten.

I admit it.

I'm lost.

I've got nothing left.

Please.

Help."

When I thought about 

what had happened.

I thought about it for a very long time.

Disecting it in an effort to understand.

And you know what?

"That sleepy sadness I had felt -

that passivity and despair -

they were gone suddenly."

I remember how I had prayed earlier.

How I'd thought there'd been no answer.

I was wrong.

I understood now.

It can be crazy hard.

To keep your faith,

to keep going.

It can be harder than I ever would have imagined.

Sometimes things happen to you, 

really bad things that aren't fair,

things that make you feel so terrible ...about yourself.

Sometimes you feel like there's no one to turn to,

and you're all alone and so scared you

can hardly move and so tired you just want to

curl up in a ball and go to sleep forever."

...I think in some way I had been training for this time my whole life.

I'd been training every day, even in the simple things.

I trained to keep my mind sharp when I was in school.

I trained to keep my spirit strong by going to church,

or when I prayed by myself, 

it was a kind of training:

I was training to remember that I was not alone.

I was never alone."

God is always there for me,

especially during times of despair.

And always when Satan is sitting on my shoulder

whispering lies into my ear.

Somehow I had gotten off track.

And I think part of my problem is the way

I isolate myself from the world.

Oh, I've got friends, but only a couple of close ones

that are physically near.

And I'm beginning to question why I keep it that way.

I have so many dear blogger friends

AND FAMILY, my sister, Joan, especially,

and my cousin, Melinda,

and I know that I could call either one of them

or the ones physically near,

if I needed to talk

or to be affirmed, but I would never do that.

I only tell J & M my deepest thoughts and feelings

though I have rarely ever called Joan when in the depths of despair.

Once? Twice??

And it has taken me YEARS to get to this point. Years of

suffering alone, of being afraid alone, before I would even tell them, 

or Annette, that I had a doctor's appointment. 

And I started doing that ONLY because one

of them verbally shook me by the shoulders!

I kept things to myself because I have always been

 fully aware that every one is fighting some kind of battle 

so I have wanted to keep my own struggles to myself.

It could always be worse is my mantra that I live by still.

The most important thing that I had lost sight of is that

I've got God and He is with me at all times.

It was scary when I lost sight of that.

I lifted my head to the heavens

and it brought me back to where I always am.

Well, except I do allow myself what I call

"moments".

Like after a doctor's visit

or yet another referral to a specialist.

Moments.

We're all allowed them.

Just don't make a habit out of them.

"Keep your eyes on the prize", as my youngest has always said.

And don't listen to Satan.

He lies.

*****10/2010: I have written this post on my side bar for one reason.

It's because I've really written it for me.

I doubt anyone will read it and that's okay.

I wanted a 'journal entry' about what I went through this week.

AND praise be to God!

1/2015: If you did find this post, thank you for taking the time to read it.

If you would like to leave a comment for me, please do.

I would love to know that you read it.

I hope it made sense to you as I did some creative cutting and pasting!

It takes a lot of guts to post this. I have NEVER let you see me so clearly; never

allowed you to look so deeply into my soul. This isn't me but I'm really tired of being 

alone in my own little corner in my own little room. 

(*that's from some show. Cinderella, I think)

To God be the glory!!,

                Jan

photos from Google photos and have no copyright on them to my knowledge unless indicated differently on the photo.

text in qoutes is from the book I'm reading and these passages were what I read just last night.

i'm reading The Last Thing I Remember by Andrew Klavan.

and I know without a doubt that God put this book in my hands.

I'M SICK. POOR ME. *BUT THIS IS IMPORTANT!*

I feel horrible. I got home from Germany on Thursday w/ acute bronchitis.

Yep, home, doctor, bed. 

I told my sister just a few minutes ago that I had to write this blog post right now 

even while I'm feeling icky because it's so important.

No pictures to attach - I don't feel well enough to search my photos 

for ones that would work. So, this time you just get my words.

Here's my question.

What the heck is going on people??

When did we stop showing our love, our gratitude, our blessings, 

when did we stop care giving, when did we stop saying thank you, 

making our family more important than our job, our gym, our phone, our hobbies??

And, of course, my rant comes from a couple of things that have happened recently. 

...And running with it on the phone with Joan!

There are many qualities of etiquette that have changed over the last 45 years when I was a teen and taking etiquette classes. Things that have changed from 25 years ago when I was raising my boys and passing on what I believed in from my upbringing. 

But, there are some things that should never change. #Never

We have become so busy, I think, that we've lost sight of what's important.

When we get God first, family second and job third out of order, we quickly begin the snowball that becomes the size of Frosty; rolling rolling rolling. 

So busy, busy, busy. No time to think about anything but work. 

Too tired to think about anything but work.

There's many examples and they don't all include work, but a lot do.

I'm 61 this year and didn't realize my age to the extent I do now, not until I saw 

a particular wedding picture that had my two daughter-in-laws being hugged from the side by me, their mother-in-law. Oh, how I hate that term. The photo showed me looking like I look to everyone but me. In reality, I'm 61 years old. #61 And, I have the etiquette standards of someone "old".

So be it. I'm old. I look old in the wedding picture. So embarrassing when you have no idea you look old. But, I have etiquette values that I try (sometimes unsuccessfully) to hold as a standard in the way I live my life. And, those values are a good thing.

Putting God first has never been an issue. My problem has been not letting my physical adventures get in the way of keeping my family first. Not really an issue for me unless it involves getting a birthday present or Christmas presents in the mail on time!

When you are the one that is aware and believes in certain points of etiquette and those around you don't practice the same, it can be very hard not to be in a state of disappointment. That's where prayer saves my life. Well, most times. Sometimes one just can't help but be in a state of disappointment for a few moments.

So, what are those points of etiquette that I think are so vitally important and that have, for the most part, been pushed to the wayside?

1. If you receive a card or handwritten letter in the mail, you need to acknowledge that. A simple text message thanking the sender is adequate according to the Etiquette Book of Jan (though I seriously abhor text messaging as a way of communication). It works here and let's the sender know that it not only arrived, but that you appreciate the time it took the sender to "think of you".

2. If you receive a package in the mail - a birthday present, Christmas presents, a "just because" present, any "gift" - you simply must acknowledge receipt of it along with a heartfelt thank you. It's so hard in this day and age to find time for extras (isn't that basically what this post is about??) that getting a present put in the mail is a bit of a chore. All of the time involved, the $$...it's a sincere act of love. And, it deserves a thank you. It deserves more than a text message. Try a phone call, an email, a written note. Do something (but, please don't send a text).

3. After God, make sure you're putting your family first. That begins with you and your partner, your children and your extended family. And, may I say something here that will no doubt make some of you roll your eyes??

When you, my child, "fly the coop" and start becoming your own person and then roll into being your own person? Don't forget your parents. Don't forget your mom. God made you whom you are through the efforts of your parents. And, speaking as a mom, I am still your mom. And, though no longer #1 in your life, I'm your biggest supporter, your biggest fan and, even if you've forgotten, your first love. So, just because you're now an adult, don't make the mistake of cutting your mom/your parents out of your life. Seriously? Not going to be around forever and speaking from experience, don't waste the time you have now to get to know me/us as people, not just as your parents. We're more awesome than you even realize. But to know that, you have to get to know us. (Do you know your mom's favorite dessert? Her favorite movie? Her favorite scripture? Her favorite outside pastime? Stories of great adventure and fun from her past? Her college days? Etc., etc., etc......)

So, there, I've said all I came to say. Maybe I said too much. But, I stand by what I said. 

I hope I said it clearly enough that it makes sense.

I would love your feedback. Disagreement said in a kind way is welcome.

The End.

Be blessed. Be a blessing. 

A GIVEAWAY AND A BLOG PARTY!

Hi, y'all! I am way behind in taking part in 

Vicki's amazing blog party and I apologize. 

Life has been full.

But, I'm here now, with my giveaway and ready to tell you about me and blogging.

Jan Vermillion Thomason of

the Polka Dot Barn

and the blog, polkadotbarn.blogspot.com.

I started blogging several years ago thinking that I would use it as my personal diary. 

And, I have used it that way.

I don't get every event covered

(I've been known to go weeks.......   without hittin' the blog)

but when something funny, fabulous or rusty passes by me

I have to blog about it.

I let you see me at my worst,

I will entertain you with humorous stories,

I will show you amazing junk and antiques

(some I buy, some I simply photograph).

All the while hoping that you accept me,

and that you come to love me as I share my life with you.

I love Jesus Christ.

I adore my husband and three grown boys;

hoping that my sweet boys will always need

their mom.

I adore my brothers and sister.

Nieces, nephews, sister in laws, cousins, 

my dad and Ursula, 

all very important to me.

I try to find joy in every situation,

sometimes after I throw a fit or cry in despair.

I love spending time in my studio, The Crack House.

(I'll be doing a blog post about it in the near future.

If you want to make sure you don't miss it, 

sign up to receive my posts via email at the top of 

the right hand column)

Creating and spending time with 

my friends that create,

reading every single page of my art zines,

and being an mixed media hoarder

make me who I am.

Okay, that's enough, let's talk about THE GIVEAWAY!!

I am parting with two of my favorite vintage hats that I've been saving,

waiting for those perfect projects that will show off those beautiful 

flowers and leaves!

THERE WILL BE TWO WINNERS!

To enter, simply leave a comment.

And if you want to have a second entry,

let me know if you're following me on Pinterest,

Twitter or my blog emails.

I'm supposed to close out my contest and draw for

winners on February 1st, but I'm extending my giveaway

to February 2nd and I'll draw for the winners

that following week.

I'm right in the middle of getting my house in order

and planning supper for fifty

as I get ready for my mom's memorial that will be held here.

After that I'll be able to get back to my blog. *happy feet*

I sincerely thank you for reading this post

and for entering the giveaway.

I hope that you come back often to see what I'm up to.

And, if you do, remember that leaving a comment

makes me do the happy dance!

Warmly,

        Jan

If, for whatever reason, you don't know how to get to the other (over 400) blogs participating

in the Grow Your Blog party, leave me a note in your comment and I'll get you there. :)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Profound, huh. My title.
I have spent so many hours trying to think of a name for this post that those hours have turned into days which have turned into weeks. And, I apologize for my tardiness though in some respects I have welcomed the time afforded to me that I did not have to pen this post.

I know that if you're reading this post that you've most likely been reading the others about my mom's dementia, moving to the ranch last January, 24/7 caregiver, moving on to memory care, being with her 8 hours every day.

And then October 2012 rolls in.
What's odd is that I haven't posted since May 2012.
Not really odd because taking care of mom got harder and harder every week as she declined further and further. That left little time for anything else.

But, back to October.
That's when I should have written to you.
That's when my sweet mother passed.
October 12, 2012.
I was there with her, sitting at the head of her bed, when she died.
That day and the day before continue to be very surreal to me.

She was progressing steadily in her dementia decline and then the end of September, she started failing much faster. Then she was dying and after about 1 1/2 days, she was gone.
Not lost.
Just gone.
She has gone on to heaven. I'll be with her again. We'll be able to continue the fun we had here on earth with some differences.
Jesus. God.

That's what I hold on to. Because I don't think anyone ever gets through the death of someone they love as dearly as I love my mom.

One day at a time. One breakdown at a time. One prayer at a time.

God bless all of you, especially my lurkers,
Jan

MY WEEK OF RESPITE ~ THE POWER OF PLACE

I've been full-time caretaker for my mom 

who has vascular dementia.

She's been at the ranch for 4 months.

I was able to take a week off, a week of respite,

because my sweet brother, Russ, flew in to take

over her care while I spent a week on the 

Atlantic shore on Satellite Beach, Florida.

 I happened to read an article in a free

zine called Natural Awakenings that

I know God put in my path to give me the

words that describe perfectly what being at

the ocean means to me.

.....The qualities that make a place special to us

are highly personal, and they often help us to define

who we are. Whether the setting is a lake house,

a mountain lodge, a seashore cottage {ocean condo} or a

backyard at twilight, our sensory connections to these

special places shape us in deep and lasting ways.....

 This relationship to place is one that we carry 

within ourselves for a lifetime.

 Iona Dreaming: The Healing Power of Place, 

is Clare Cooper Marcus' journal of her six months 

on the Scottish island of Iona.

 "I feel pure in this place. It is as if there was no separation

between my living, breathing, perceiving body and my soul-nature.

No posturing, no pretending. I am who I am -- no more,

no less. As my breathing slows and I relax, I experience the

sound of the sea passing through me -- not me hearing the sea,

not me and the sea -- just the sound"

 The ocean has always been the place where I feel God

the deepest. This week of respite was necessary for

my mental being and soul.

I rented my dear friend, Vicki Boster's, condo and it felt

like I could reach out the window and touch the surf.

The week was shared with my best friend from college

and my cousin - each being with me for half a week.

Their presence allowed me to talk about what I have been

through these last four months. It was immensely healing.

I crave the ocean every day.

I would love to experience a few weeks 

on the Scottish island of Iona like 

Clare Cooper Marcus was allowed to do.

Traveling abroad...to an island in Scotland...

writing about it gives me chills.

I don't think I'll be adding that to my bucket list,

however, because I don't see any way it would 

happen, but simply thinking about it makes me grin.

(And, God can make it happen, right??)

This past week at the ocean was cleansing, refreshing

and, as I said earlier, healing. I hope that I can

go to an ocean again in the next couple of months.

Any ocean -- God speaks to me through any of them.

I am aware that I am not the only daughter that has or has had

full care of a parent with dementia......or cancer.......or

parkinsons.....any chronic disease. But, we all have our

own challenges that we must deal with while caring for our 

parent(s) and my challenge is physical. So, I need

to do what will keep me the healthiest so that I can 

care for my sweet mother properly.

Give me the ocean.

Thank you for following my blog and for your continued support.

My mother is so important to me and all of my siblings.

Having her loose the best of her is incredibly hard to witness.

Without God's support I don't know how I could do it.

I give him all the glory.

Blessings,  Jan