Manic Monday Triple Overtime--TMI, Barry And Iris Style!

Well, the Flash has managed to save Central City and stop all of the Rogues at once...

And as he tells the tale to Iris...

But you might want to turn your head away from the next panel...

"B-barry! You wouldn't--" probably isn't the response you want from your wife when your making an oblique reference to "marital intimacy," is it?

Assuming, of course, that's what Barry is referring to...maybe he means he's going to have a pizza?!?

Still..."B-barry! You wouldn't--" is pretty puzzling. That whole exchange is...odd.

Maybe Cary Bates can explain it to me when I'm all grown up...

From Flash #244 (1976)

That Time Some Free Comic Did A Mash-Up Of Mannequin And My Little Pony (Sort Of Kind Of)!!

Sorry to do this to you this morning...

Sue The Magic Manikin--yes, that is her name--yes, Peppo The Manikin Maker gave her a heart, so she can come to life and murder you in your sleep frolic and play with you...

Where, was I? Oh, yeah, someone stole her "Sacony Separates" (a line of children's clothing that this free comic is pitching). So, in a plot not at all ripped off from The Wizard Of Oz movie, a wise owl accompanies Sue and a growing horde of companions to help them in their various quests.

The saddest creature they encounter?

Oh, boo freakin' hoo.

Of course, in a plot twist in no way borrowed from The Wizard Of Oz, the owl turns out to be the manipulate bastard behind everyone's trouble, and he just says a couple of words and waves his wings and gives the unicorn a diploma fixes the unicorn's foot prints:

Oh, joy.

So now Sue can back to hawking clothing and stalking children making shopping fun at the department store:

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

From The Woodland Adventures Of Sue The Magic Manikin (1957). Yes, this actually exists.

Breaking The Forth Wall--And The Fifth, and Sixth, And...

It's imaginary story time! [Editor's note--aren't they all imaginary?] [snell's note--shut up.]

A rare alloy of green, red and gold kryptonite has caused Clark Kent to lose all his powers, and forget that he was ever Superman!!

So the years go by, and everyone assumes that Superman died somewhere in space or something. And eventually, the Hollywood vultures decide to cash in by making a big-screen documentary!

Of course, all of the Super Friends are there:

You have to love Atom's little chair...

But wait...don't some of these guys know that Clark is/was Superman? Why didn't they step in at some point over the years?

Because? Because why...? Why?!?!?!

What? Wait..I mean...hold on...how...wait...I don't...



Folks,they just out-Deadpooled Deadpool, several decades early!

P.S. Yes, I know Robin knew Clark's secret identity, too. So why did Batman leave him out? Clearly, after so many years, that can't be all-grown up-by-now Dick Grayson as the "Boy" Wonder...it must be the Silver Age Jason Todd!!

From Superman #192 (1967)

Manic Monday--Uhhh, I'm Speechless?

Sometimes...sometimes you just don't know what to say. From the letters page in Tales To Astonish #64 (1965):

Uh...err...urm....OK...?

What The #$%^--Hasbro And Bulletman?!?

I was reading some old comic books (big surprise)...and sometimes when you do that, you come across an old ad that you must have read 100,000 times as a kid. But the 35+ years of hindsight make you go, "What the #$%^?!?!"

This ad appeared in Marvels cover-dated August 1976...click to embiggen:

Yeah, for some reason Hasbro decided that G.I. Joe needed a bona fide superhero as part of the "Adventure Team," and they came up with...Bulletman??

Fawcett Comics' Bulletman?!?

Well, it's hard to say...he sure looks an awful lot like the Earth-S hero:


And here's a page from the 1976 Hasbro catalog..."Faster than the speed of light"??? Really?

I've done some moderate internet hunting, and I can't find anything one way or the other on whether this is just one of those coincidences, or if Hasbro "borrowed" an existing character to pal around with the Joes.

On the one hand, he's never given a civilian name anywhere that I can find. One the other hand, his costume, while similar to the Golden Age hero, is a bit different, including those metal arms. One the third hand, his powers are pretty similar, aren't they?

Hasbro had done "knock-offs" before. When they failed to acquire the rights to the Six Million Dollar Man, Hasbro quickly came up with "Mike Power, Atomic Man," a doll with mechanical "super-powered" arm, leg and eye, making him part of the Adventure Team. Just a coincidence, really.

DC had licensed the Fawcett characters in 1972, but Bulletman had already slipped into public domain by then, and DC hadn't actually used the character yet at the time of the introduction of G.I. Joe's Bulletman. So perhaps Hasbro felt justified in using the character, or at least a knock-off.

I'm not lawyer enough to know what was going on here, who was in the right, or what any implications might have been. But, in yet-another coincidence (or perhaps in a hastily-planned response), just a couple of months later Bulletman (and many of the other Fawcett heroes) are plastered on the cover of Justice League Of America #135:

By the time 1976 ended, Hasbro ended the G.I. Joe line for a few years.

So, honest coincidence? Sincere belief they had the rights to a public domain idea? Actionable knock-off? I've got no idea.

Oh, by the way, here's a British TV commercial for the Super Adventure Team...note how they never refer to "G.I. Joe"--in England the character was licenced as "Action Man," because England likes to be difficult...

What The #$%^??--Half Empty, Half Full, Or Half On Fire?!?

From Jim Hammond, android superhero of WWII, to Johnny Storm, modern day holder of the title, The Human Torch has always used this phrase to light himself afire:

Wha' the?!?

"Half-Flame On"?!?!?!?!

In Sub-Mariner Comics #35 (1954), some commie ratfinks have captured the Torch and Toro. To prevent them from escaping, they tie them up to some "old ladies"--our heroes can't burn their way out of the ropes without roasting the GILFs:


But those reprobate Reds didn't count on Hammond's special android abilities:

Thoughts:

**Johnny Storm, of course, can "flame on" specific body parts--lighting up just his hand, for example, or having his whole body afire except his arms so he can carry someone. Apparently, Toro has tried to replicate this, but failed. Androids 1, Cosmic rays 1, Mutants 0.

**If the Torch can do that with his back half, there are some high quality fraternity hijinks that leap to mind...

**Does he really have to say "Half-Flame On?" Man, that sounds lame. What if he wants to do just his arm? "Quarter-Flame On?"

Golden Age idol--Mark Swift And The...What The #$%^?!?

Next up on Golden Age Idol, a sure-fire winner:

Yup, Mark Swift and the....huh?

O...K...

Curious way to...um...phrase things. Surely they didn't keep that title throughout the series??

O...K...

So what the hell was the deal, anyway?

Sorry, I know that's tough to read. Mark Swift was really the sidekick in these stories, an orphan who lived with grade school teacher Rodney Kent. Mr. Kent also "discovered the amazing principle of time travel in his spare time." Geez, I guess teachers are underpaid.

So this grade school teacher went into his basement and whipped up...uh...a....

Time retarder.

Man, I really can't go on here. Time retarder? What the #$%^?!?

Now look--you've upset Paula:

Sorry, Mark Swift, you're rejected. Get out.

Mark Swift And The Time Retarder ran in Fawcett's Slam-Bang Comics and Master Comics in the early 1940s.

Manic Monday--Win Lots Of Prizes...What The F$%^?!?

Why, look, another one of the adorable ads getting children to sell something cheap and useless so they can "win" cheap and useless toys...

See, just like Grit or seeds or greeting cards....

Hey, wait a minute!!

Holy Jack Chick, Batman!! You mean God is gonna give me roller skates, or a ukulele, or a Gabby Hayes fishing kit, or guns & arrows, or...I mean, if I'd known that, I'd have turned out real different, let me tell you...

So what the Father Mulcahey is going on here?


Ahhh...still just selling stuff. "Religious Wall Motto Plaques" instead of seeds or Grit. But still getting children to move your crap for you. Because your "friends and neighbors" are obviously the sinners responsible for today's ills.

Bonus cheap irony--the ad is on the back cover of:

That's right...a 1950s horror mag. This Magazine Is Haunted #17 (1954), hosted by "Dr. Death." Perhaps the best place to find kids willing to sell Christian trinkets...let's see, the lead story is about an actor who makes a deal with the devil to get his bloody revenge on the studio executives who wronged him. And then there's story about the cuckolded husband who poisons his wife and her lover in the jungle, and sells their bodies to headhunters. Or the man captured by vampiric mannequins (really!), is turned into a mannequin himself, and melted in the furnace.

Ah, Steve Ditko, you magnificent bastard....

Extra bonus research!! The address on the coupon--The FUNman, 4545 N. Clark, Chicago--this is what's there today:


View Larger Map
So....good....indeed!!!

Manic Monday--Grog? What The #$%^??

From the pages of Amazing Spider-Man #4 (1963):

What the?

The Hulk-speak title...the unnatural mesh of plant and animal...the apparently eternally replenishing tail (was Grog at the Sermon on the Mount??)...the thought of America overrun by "flowering fragrant shade trees" that are actually composed of dinosaur DNA...

What the #$%^?!?


I want one.

What The F#$%--Mad Libs??

It's fun to look at the internet searches that lead people to this blog...what kinds of honey attract the best flies, as it were?

So it is with great pride that I can report that I am still the #1 Google result for "man-on-animal action." And based on one measly entry, I maintain my status as the #2 Google result for "Batman RIP ending," which is pretty funny since my single post on the topic was basically a joke. And I single-handedly put the term "Al-Haqeed" onto Google...

But sometimes, you folks worry me. The latest search term:

"gay hypnosis hulk superman story"

Uh.....OK.

So, since Google found zero sites that contained all those search terms together, there's a primo opportunity for someone out there to write a fanfic with at least one guaranteed interested reader. Have at it.

But nobody tell Jeph Loeb, OK? Because while I have no problems with a gay hypnosis hulk superman story, a gay hypnosis RED HULK superman story would just be wrong.

And just because I'm in a silly mood today:

What the #$%^--Reporters Desperate to Somehow Ride the Coattails of a Blockbuster

In perhaps one of the least necessary stories ever published by a reputable news outlet:

REAL ARCHAEOLOGISTS QUESTION INDIANA JONES' M.O.

Damn, and I thought that Indy was a 100% accurate depiction of archaeology...

In follow-up stories, the AP will reveal that real MI6 agents question James Bond's methods, actual astronauts question the realism of Flash Gordon, and police officials suggest that maybe, just maybe, CSI exaggerates the role of crime lab technicians.

Sheesh...

What The #$%^???--Go-Go

I could have made this a Tale From the Quarter Bin, but really, it's just too dang nuts.

What is? Why, Charlton Comics Go-Go #5 (Feb 1967). Gaze at it in awe:

You know, I've looked at this about 150 times over the past 2 days, and I still don't know what to make of it. What, exactly, is this beastie?

As best as I can describe it--and words are actually failing me now--is that it is trying to combine the feel of the MAD comic books of the 1950's with the aesthetics of Archie comics, heavily peppered with the pop culture of the early late 60's via Laugh-In. All filtered through the sensibilities of middle-aged white-collar workers desperately trying to sound hip.

Seriously, this odd, odd comic book caroms from a MAD-style lampoon of the Justice League to an extraordinarily lame attempt to do a lampoon mash-up of Peyton Place and Dark Shadows, to the Archie filtered through Not Brand Ecch!! adventures of the pop band The Rotting Stumps to...

Aside from the amazingly amateurish and off-putting design of the cover, please note two things that epitomize what this magazine is doing to my brain. First, there's the featured cover character, Ms. Bikini Luv:

Man, does that ever say 60's in every way possible, or what? Secondly, please check out this from the bottom of the cover:

Hmmm...Pin-ups of Sonny and Cher? Sock it to me, baby. And what exactly do they mean by "colorful black & white?" Let me guess...

Yup, just plain old black & white. Have you no shame, Dick Giordano?

But wait, there's a second pin-up:

Uhhh....why? Uhhhh....head exploding....

Anyway, we're not done with Go-Go yet. Not by a long shot...Stay tuned...

What The #$%^--Reals

Everyone who loves superheroes should read this immediately.

I'm not sure what your reaction will be, because I'm still not sure what my reaction is.

But it should be read.

Oh, and if you're a super-villain, don't plan any vacations to the spots on this map.

What the #$%^--Batman and the Outsiders

A few comments regarding this week's Batman and the Outsiders #3:

A) So the idea of setting themselves up to appear as a gang of rogue heroes or criminals--out the window, huh? When the idiot contingent of the JLA knows you're not bad guys, well, goodbye to any and every idea Tony Bedard set up. Plus, transferring members between teams...pretty good clue to the media and public that everybody is on the side of good.

B) Hey, a great '70s throwback--a deceptive cover!! Man, Canary and J'onn don't even appear in the bleedin' issue. Hell, the Martian Manhunter isn't on EITHER team these days...he did quit the Outsiders in issue #2, right? Obviously, I'm not the only one getting creative direction change whiplash here!! Even the cover artists need a scorecard.

C) Let's go back to this transfer thing. Geo-Force is "transferred" to the Outsiders. Apparently without anyone telling him, or asking him. Nope, just someone blurting out, "Brion, you're an Outsider now. Ta ta."

Now, aside from the general rejoicing in the blogosphere that the sainted JLA is no longer "tainted" by Geo-force's membership (what, he's worse than Vibe? Really?), this whole incident raises some fascinating questions.

• Batman WANTED Geo-Force on the team?


• What, exactly, does the JLA get in return for this "transfer?" (Aside, of course, from the addition by subtraction of improving your team by removing Geo-Force?)


• What, is this the Initiative? Is Geo-Force a draftee, with no choice about where he gets to be a hero? Two months from now, in the middle of a mission, is someone going to tell him, "Brion, you're in Shadowpact now?"


• Is this like sports, where players can be traded for draft picks, or "for a player to be named later?" Does Black Canary get to chose an Outsider to join the JLA later?


• Can heroes be transferred between any two teams? Kid Devil to the Challengers of the Unknown? Enchantress to the Green Lantern Corp? Hourman to the Legion of Super-Heroes? Or is there a "trading deadline," so it can only happen in the first 15 issues or so?


• What about "inter-league" trades? Booster Gold to the Mighty Avengers? Venom to the Injustice Society? Invincible to the Last Defenders? Luke Cage to Dynamo 5? John Constantine to the Suicide Squad? (hey, wait a minute....hmmmmmm....)

Somewhat more seriously, I get that Dixon was asked to take over literally at the last minute, and that he wanted to set up the team members he thought best. But could there have been a more painful, clunky and unimaginative way to accomplish this? Catwoman declares herself a coward and splits? J'onn Jonzz just up and quits because...well, I'm still not sure? A magic wand is waved and now Geo-Force is on the team?

Chuck Dixon, you've blown my mind. Not in a good way, mind you, but it is indeed blown.

What The #$%^--Supergirl Again?!?!

Well, last month I had a few questions about the very confusing debut of Kelley Puckett's run on Supergirl.

Well, here we are one month later, and...well, I'm still confused and still have questions (OK, I confess ,they're more like observations phrased Jeopardy-style).

1. Well, It's obvious that Kelley Puckett isn't paid by the word, isn't it? Between these 2 issues, probably 50 percent of the pages had no dialogue, and another 15 percent had only a single caption or dialogue balloon with fewer than 3 words.


2. Remember how, during Jeph Loeb and Joe Kelly's runs, we learned that Kara's parents had sent her to Earth to, you know, kill Kal-El? How, depending on which author you believed, she was to destroy him to settle a family grudge or protect the universe from Phantom Zone dwellers? Well, not so much anymore.

Maybe Superboy-Prime punched another universe or something, but without a single word, hint or acknowledgement, that's been wiped out of Supergirl's continuity, apparently. Nope, now it was nothing but love between Zor-El & Jor-El, no mention of the Phantom Zone, no family grudges, just "go to Earth and represent Krypton, and take care of Kal."

Look, I'm glad that the stupid "I was sent here to kill you" nonsense is gone. It was dim, and dimly executed. But if DC is going to pretend to have continuity, shouldn't they feel at least obligated to mention that 2 months ago Supergirl's origin was, well, different? Is it OK for a new writer to take over and say, "everything the last guys did never actually happened!"? And if so, don't the readers deserve at least an occasional caption or something? Nope, because under Dan DiDio DC has "wiki-nuity"--whatever today's author says is what goes, and those in the past, forget them, and to hell with the fans who wonder what's going on.

I don't think it's "continuity porn" to at least maintain a consistent origin/motivation story for your hero. DC wonders why they can't attract more casual readers? How about someone who picked up Supergirl 6 months ago not being able to recognize the character if they picked it up today?

Anyhoo, this issue was, in some ways, almost as confusing as last issue. I'm glad Superman and the Green Lanterns finally figured out you could track the ship visually (like, duh! This from a guy with telescopic vision?!) without all that holding your breath nonsense. And I thought the Krypton stuff was nice, albeit completely contradictory to what the past 2 regimes have said (not counting poor Tony Bedard, the unappreciated middle reliever of DC's bullpen). And the insistence on minimal dialogue means we get no real depth to her conversation with Superman about his mother, which should have been the emotional crux of the issue, and is what I wanted to hear more of.

And we still have no idea what direction Puckett is taking this book...

What the #$%^--One More Day

Monstrobot here.

I just want to praise Marvel Comics for discovering new depths of evil.

I refer, of course, to the deliciously abysmal One More Day story line running (ever so slowly)through the Spider-Man books.

Oh, it's not just because the story is abominably bad, and slow, and drawn out, and whiny, and self-pitying, and portentous, and...

And it's evil not only because they're jumping the entire Marvel universe through ridiculous hoops just because the head honcho believes that it's not cool to have your hero in a healthy adult relationship. Thank you for spreading the message that marriage is bad and boring, Joe Quesada.

And it's not one of the 105 other reasons this storyline is evil and diseased (evil note to Quesada: if you want to get rid of Mary Jane, why not just kill her off?? Because you want to give fans hope that they'll be reunited someday...that's the exact same plan as Mephisto, you cheeky devil! You don't even have the courage of your convictions!! How brilliantly evil!)

No, what's really, tremendously, soul-staggeringly vile about this business is that Marvel is charging $3.99 per issue for this. And what does the fan get for that extra $1? Half a reprint.

That's right. You can't even fill the back of the book with a full story. Just 1/2 a story.

And the beauty part? You don 't continue that reprint in the next issue!! Instead, you give them a blurb telling the fan that if they want to finish the story, they have to go buy an omnibus collection!! Yup, kids, you just put out an extra dollar for a comic, and you can only finish the story if you go spend $75 list for a hardback collection. Bwahahahahahaha! Or...you can spend $60 to read it digitally online!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Man, Dr. Doom wishes he could be that evil. Even Mephisto is applauding your vileness, Marvel. You make a humble Monstrobot like myself hang my head in shame at how little real evil I have done.

Well played, Joe Quesada, you magnificent bastard!

What The #$%^--Supergirl

With the acknowledgement that I'm only judging on one issue, and the first part of a two-parter at that, I have some questions for Kelley Puckett and DC after the...odd...Supergirl #23:

1. What, no one thought to send an air tank along with Kara?


2. What, no Green Lantern could make you an air bubble, or even loan you a ring for a little bit, for this "critical" mission?


3. So, this alien ship can fly within 10 meters of a sun's corona? And not melt/burn/blow up/get sucked in?


4. The ship "produce(s) no emissions?" When we can see the contrails it leaves?!?!?


5. Since this ship has only been travelling for 2 hours at sub-light speeds, how come neither you nor Superman can track it with your telescopic vision? Or anybody with a telescope, for that matter (and if were moving at faster than light speeds, Kara can fly faster than light??)?


6. Why, exactly, did DC revive Supergirl when no one, and I mean no one, who has touched her since then has had the least clue what to do with her?


7. For this Tony Bedard was dumped??


8. Why do I start to type "Kirby Puckett" every time I try to type Kelley Puckett's name?

One of the more baffling mainstream comics I've read in quite awhile...

What the #$%^??--Dakota North

From this week's Daredevil #101

OK, let's see if I've got this right--Dakota North, hard-bitten, rough and tumble PI, thinks it is inappropriate to raise your voice "to a lady?"

I doubt Sam Spade--or even Jim Rockford--ever called their clients a child for yelling at them. And I'm damn sure they never played the gender card.

Seriously, Matt Murdock didn't even use profanity, he just yelled. But apparently Dakota North is so offended by the notion that someone is speaking sharply to her that she goes all demure Southern belle on him. Who knows what other rules she might have for how to treat a lady? "How dare you pull a gun on me, Larry Cranston--do you remember that you're talking to a lady?"

Ed Brubaker, I really expected a lot better from you.

What The F#$%^--Count Vertigo

I've been working my way through the original run of Suicide Squad the past couple of weeks, and that's brought to mind a serious question I've always meant to ask:


Count Vertigo??

Let me get this straight: You've got a dude named Count Werner Vertigo. And he just happens to have a hereditary inner ear defect that effects his balance. And his name is Vertigo. And he develops the power to cause vertigo in others.

And his name is Vertigo.

Guess he never saw that one coming, huh? Him and Lou Gehrig.

So, what creative genius foisted this upon us? I oughtta---

Oh, wait, it was Bob Haney. That explains everything, doesn't it?

What The #$%^--Three's Company, Starring Batman!

Sometimes you stumble across a story that...well, maybe it explains why your parents are the way they are. And why they warned you about drugs. And "women's lib." And...oh, Bob Haney, what have you done to us?

In the Coils of Copperhead, as presented in Brave and the Bold #116, starts with an intriguing theorem: Copperhead, the dufus who always got knocked out first on the Justice League cartoon, is actually too smart for Batman to capture.

Chastised by Commissioner Ungrateful, Batman must formulate a plan to catch the master criminal. Meanwhile, is the skies of Gotham, Wonder Woman shows up, skywriting!!

please forgive some of the skewed scans...artist Bob Brown was letting his freak flag fly in the page layouts.

Nice of her to save the greenhouse emissions by not using her plane. Oops, did I say plane? Just a few seconds later, Batgirl responds:

Q: How many super-heroines does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's not funny!!

Wow, a super-powered love triangle. What is the inevitable result? Of course, you're right: SUPER CAT-FIGHT!!

Well, that set back women's rights a few decades, eh? But wait! The lovely crimefighters proceed to shower Batman with gifts, distracting him from his search for Copperhead:

Good question, Dark Knight...both as Bruce Wayne and Batman, he has to beat the girls off with a stick!! Playboy or crime-fighter: he's a chick magnet.

But wait!! All is not as it seems. Stunningly, the ladies are not actually in love with Batman!! It's all part of a Machiavellian ruse to trick Copperhead into feeling secure enough to rob a museum that Batman has rigged with an alarm!!

Now, far be it from me to quibble with the Dark Knight's awesome J.R. Ewing-type planning ability. But, I have to say, having two female superheroes pretend to be in love with you & you pretending to be so distracted by all the attention that you can't fight crime anymore is not one of your top thousand plans, is it? Really, is that the best you could come up with, Bruce? "Smarter" 1960's-style plans Batman could have tried:

• Pretending to be dead, so Copperhead would strike


• Pretending to turn evil, so Copperhead would strike


• Since this is Brave and the Bold, staging a fight with another DC superhero, so Copperhead would strike

Instead, the Caped Crusader chooses the "fake love triangle plan." Granted, Copperhead is a major-leaguer, so you have to think outside the box...oh, wait, no he's not! This is something out of Three's Company, isn't it? Batman's OMAC plan made more sense...

Sadly, Copperhead's "serpent's seventh sense" warns him something's up, so he breaks off his robbery, and Batman must hurry back so that Jack and Chrissy and Janet...uhhh, sorry, Batman and Wonder Woman and Batgirl...can resume their fiendishly clever plot, But wait....no, don't actually kiss her, Bruce!!

Oh, no! Now you've done it! Bruce, you used your lips. Obviously, you still had some residual Poison Ivy venom on them. Or maybe you really are irresistible to the ladies. Because now, in a panel that single-handedly lead to the defeat of the ERA:

The lips that destroyed a thousand super-heroine careers have struck again!! I can think of worse things than having Linda Carter and Yvonne Craig hanging all over me. But now, in a series of events that even I, as a male, find humiliating, Batman has to battle the "kooky romanticism" of his clingy love-slaves in order to find and stop Copperhead. They're hanging on him and giving him presents and...

OK, I have to stop. It's just too damn embarrassing. There's another 10 pages of the ladies' love thwarting Batman efforts to catch the bad guy. And because of their lovestruck state, Copperhead defeats Wonder Woman (read that again...not a dream, not a hoax, not an imaginary story...Copperhead defeats Wonder Woman) and Batgirl, and then he poisons Batman. But Bruce finally mans up, knocks out Copperhead, Batgirl gives him an antidote, and everything is back to normal:

Phew...back to safely non-heterosexual adventures with Robin and Superman!!