Valentine's Day Special--UNCOMFORTABLE!!!

Look, I'm not a prude or anything...

...but can you couples each get your own room or something?!!?

"She had to find her love in a crowd"??!?!? Ewwww.....

[And yes, I do know Valentine's Day was last week...but I was busy. Let's just declare this Orthodox Valentine's Day, shall we?]

Valentine's Day Special--Catch Of The Day

Nothing says love in 1973...

...like catching an unwilling young woman in a net!!

[And yes, I do know Valentine's Day was last week...but I was busy. Let's just declare this Orthodox Valentine's Day, shall we?]

Vaentine's Day Special--DC's ADA Love Stories

I just wanted to point out that in the early 70s, DC's Love Stories...


...was very worried about the romantic problems of people in wheelchairs.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

[And yes, I do know Valentine's Day was last week...but I was busy. Let's just declare this Orthodox Valentine's Day, shall we?]

Valentine's Day Special--Choose Your Love!!

So, guys...which love would you prefer? Love 1970:

(cover by Nick Cardy)

...or Love 1971:
(cover by Charlie Armentano)

Choose wisely.

[And yes, I do know Valentine's Day was last week...but I was busy. Let's just declare this Orthodox Valentine's Day, shall we?]

Manic Valentines Day--Love For Robo-Archie!!

Of course, you all remember the time Archie was turned into a cyborg, but still found love with...

What? You don't remember? Well, since it's Valentine's Day, let's re-tell the tale, with the help of:

Don't ask me.

Anyhow, Archie has been watching to much of the X-Games, as...

The result?

Fortunately, Archie didn't get all weepy and broody like Victor Stone. Nope, he digs his new body:

Sadly, The Man wants to put Archie down!

Fortunately, other athletic activities aren't so persnickety, as Archie gives us a glimpse of "Bring It On 2020"!!

The result? Love for Robo-Archie!

Unfortunately, Betty loves Robo-Archie for his cheerleading skills, not his lovin' skills:



Bummer. Then things get worse:

What kind of accident did Betty have?

Mmmm, extra crispy.

Robo-Archie dashes to the hospital, where, in the Twilight-Zone twist...



Awwwww...

Extra noisy Robo-lovin' comes from Laugh #13 (1989).

Valentine's Day Special--A Tribute to Eternal Love

God, I'm far too cynical a bastard to be let loose on this particular day...

Valentine's Day Special--Bachelor Batman

Dear Warner Brothers film executives:

Please note the following summary.

Batman (1989). Bruce Wayne love interest: Vicki Vale.

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman Returns. Bruce Wayne love interest: Selina Kyle (Catwoman).

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman Forever. Bruce Wayne love interest: Dr. Chase Meridian

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film.

Batman and Robin. Bruce Wayne love interest: No serious attempt.

Batman Begins. Bruce Wayne love interest: Rachel Dawes

Plotline: She falls in love with Bruce Wayne, then discovers his secret identity. Never seen or referred to again after this film. (CORRECTION: As Siskoid correctly noted, Rachel Dawes does return in Dark Knight. She's just played by Maggie Gyllenhaal this time out. Mea culpa. Still, I believe my general point stands...)

Warner executives, PLEASE STOP THIS IMMEDIATELY.

Aside from the stunningly repetitious and uninteresting execution of the multiple attempts to give Bruce Wayne a love life (and despite the possible implication that there are a pile of old girlfriends corpses deep in the Batcave, lest his secret get out), this is really, really unnecessary.

This is Batman. He is obsessive to the point of mental illness. His "normal" life is just a shell he uses. As your repeated failed attempts demonstrate, he's probably incapable of have a long-term relationship with any woman.

Besides, I'm willing to bet that in the past 20 years, not a single extra ticket has been sold because of whomever you cast to be Bruce love interest du film.

So stop it. If one of your writers or directors comes up with an ORIGINAL idea for a relationship for Bruce, go for it. But quit trying to shoehorn it in, casting another name actress to follow the EXACT same character arc.

Besides, this is The Batman. He doesn't need a girlfriend.


OK, that's not what I meant...

That you for your attention.

Valentine's Day Special--Bold Fashion Choices--Supergirl!!

I make this pledge to DC: if you put Supergirl back into this costume...





I will start reading her book again. And again. And again...

Panels from Adventure Comics #399 & #405, 1970-1971. Thank you, Mike Sekowski!!

Valentine's Day Special--This One's For the Ladies

A little Valentine beefcake for my readers...

Oh, Jimmy Olsen, you've STILL got it!!

Grrrrr!! The ladies can love Jimmy in Countdown to Yet Another Crisis #12

Valentine's Day Special--Superman Is a Dickweed!!

We've previously seen that the Silver Age Superman Family was a dysfunctional one at best. What else could you say about a "family" where the hero's "best pal" fakes having a terminal illness, to trick that hero into revealing his secret identity???

Well, it turns out that Jimmy learned his dickweedery from the best:

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: Superman had a damned good reason for doing this. He's faking Clark's death to trick some villains into revealing themselves, or to protect Lois from intergalactic goons, or something equally noble.

NOPE. The complete and only reason that Superman fakes Clark Kent's suicide is to teach Lois a lesson for always being mean to Clark. Seriously. That's it!!! You don't love me enough, so I will emotionally torture you!! That's what I call a great hero!!

And no, there's no red kryptonite or magic or anything remotely exonerating involved.

This story starts as The Daily Planet, once again not feeling there's any actual news to print, sends BOTH Lois and Clark to cover the Metropolis County Fair (what, again with the county fair??). Clark spots "Rabbit-foot Willie, the superstitious heist artist who always consults a fortune teller before he starts a caper." (Not exactly a Batman caliber villain, eh?) So, doing what any brilliant hero would do, he quickly takes over an abandoned sideshow booth, and at superspeed creates the identity of Dr. Astar the mystic!!

Using a combination of super-hypnosis and super-vision trickery, Superman convinces Willie that Astar is the real deal, and ferrets out enough clues to figure out where the crime will take place:

TIME OUT: So the swankiest restaurant in Metropolis closes at 7PM on a Friday night?!? What kind of freakin' cow town is Metropolis, anyway??

Back to our story. Superman of course catches the thugs in the act, and shows that, even before the Department of Homeland Security, it was OK in the DC Universe to use torture to extract confessions:

And when Superman finally takes down criminal mastermind Willy, well, Lois is pretty damn smitten with Astar:

Clark decides to keep his new secret identity as Astar going for awhile, just to see how interested Lois really is. What does he find? That Lois is a complete evil bitch to Clark Kent:

A couple of flashbacks up the ante on how cruel and nasty Lois has been to the poor Smallville reporter:



So Kal-El finally decides that Lois must be punished for not liking Clark Kent enough!! He has Astar predict Clark's suicide to Lois...

...and then he "actually" carries it out! He leaves a suicide note and everything!!

Text of suicide note: "Darling Lois, I've worshipped you for years, always dreaming that you'd marry me some day, but it's hopeless. You taunt me as a weakling and coward, and you're right. You'd never consent to be Mrs. Clark Kent, but... (Rest illegible)"

Lois is completely guilt-stricken, and confesses how wrong she was:

Now, if this were your average cruel sitcom, it'd be time to fess up, let Lois know that Clark was really alive, and hope she had learned her lesson. Oh, but that wouldn't be nearly dickweedy enough for the Man of Steel!! Lois must suffer for her sin of daring not to love him!!

Wow...

Anyway, so insane is Kal-El at this point, he decides to leave Clark Kent dead forever, and permanently take up Astar as his new secret identity!! Wha???

Sadly for our somewhat-deranged Kryptonian, the plan doesn't go well. For although she is dating Astar, Lois is still obsessed over poor Clark's death:

So, it's on to plan B. Announce to Lois that the "stars" have said their relationship will never work, AND predict that Clark will be found alive tomorrow!! And when Clark shows up (along with a patently absurd and complicated explanation as to why he had been gone--hint--it involved Aquaman and super-hypnosis), well, it's time for (finally) some Super-lovin' from Lois Lane:







So men-folk, if there's one lesson that Silver Age DC comics have for you this Valentine's Day. this is it: fake your own death, and your woman will love you even more for it!! Because that's how DC heroes rolled in their love lives back in the day.

BONUS PANEL OF JIMMY OLSEN STUPIDITY:

Yeah, because if I had a watch that could instantly summon the most powerful being on the planet, I would forget about that all the time, too...

Superman equates emotional suffering with love in Superman #210, 1968. Please don't try this in real life, kids...because only Kal-El loves the ladies enough to make this work!!