The Trial Of Lois lane Part XVI--The Twist!

And the verdict is...

WAIT!! 

Wait...this was a trial for first degree murder. Why in the hell wouldn't an autopsy have been performed?!? As a defense attorney whose case hinged on it being an accident, why did Batman wait until after the trial to notice/care that there had been no autopsy?!? Good gosh, Batman, you are a terrible lawyer!!

Shouldn't you have done that before closing arguments? You know, as evidence DURING the trial? I'm just saying...you suck!!

"Why didn't I notice this before?" Maybe because there was no autopsy? Or you're an idiot who probably shouldn't have a special exemption to practice law everywhere?

Fair point. But the judge ain't buying it yet...

And what about the lie detector?

Oh, so that explains the lie detector...huh?

Look, the android spent an entire night underwater in the river, presumably some time in the morgue, and at least several days underground. Why would her "internal temperature" still be 104.2?!?!? And my internal temperature is 98.6, even during a Michigan winter--am I really from the dessert?!?

Wait...what?!?!?!?

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!

So, to summarize--a race of alien androids with no right thumbs (no explanation is ever given) is playing some crazy-ass chess game that effects real people, but one of them cheated so they executed her and replaced Lana Lang with her and...

WHAT?!?!?!

Anyway, Supes routs the androids, and...

Well, it's not such a mystery, right? We know the jury was 11-1 in favor of conviction earlier, and it doesn't seem likely that 11 changed their votes so quickly, especially given the craptacular defense Batman put on.

And let's not think of all the crime committed while Superman and Batman were tied up in the farce that never should have happened if anybody had done an autopsy....

That's it. Thank you for putting up with this the past two days!!

From Lois Lane #100 (1970)

The Trial Of Lois Lane part XV--The Verdict?!?

Well, Lois certainly didn't help her cause on the stand, did she?

No hugging in court!

Well, it's time for closing statements:

And Batman?

Bag of tricks?!?! Dude, you're losing so bad you have no idea!!

As the jury deliberates, Superman is completely 100% unethical!

It's so bad, Batman doesn't even show up to hear the verdict!!

And so...

Welp, that's it for this post.

Yes, I'm a stinker.

Tune in a half-hour from now for the final result--no surprise twists!

SPOILER ALERT: There's a surprise twist.

From Lois Lane #100 (1970)

The Trial Of Lois Lane Part XIV--Batman Should be Disbarred!!

How bad a defense attorney is Batman?

He let this happen:

NOW you object?!? You chowder-head, you're supposed to object before the test is administered in front of the jury!

Matt Murdock never would have let that happen...

From Lois Lane #100 (1970)

The Trial Of Lois Lane Part XIII--This Never Happened To Jack McCoy!!

Superman is a little bit harsh to Lois during cross-examnation:

Slapping the prosecutor is a bad thing. Slapping a prosecuter whom you know from personal experience is invulnerable is just stupid!

From Lois Lane #100 (1970)

The Trial Of Lois Lane Part XII--The Gotham Way!

It's a break in the trial, and Superman is offering Lois an alternative to the electric chair:

Well, it is Gotham City, after all--90 percent of the people Batman captures end up pleading insanity, right?

And there is a basis for Lois to plead that way...

Batman the great detective hadn't looked into Lois' past at all before the trial. Worst. Defense. Attorney. Ever.

You would think that some in-between charges like manslaughter or negligent homicide might be thrown out here, as compromises. But nope, It's Arkham or the chair for you, Lois!!

SPOILER ALERT: She refuses the generous offer.

From Lois Lane #100 (1970)

The Trial Of Lois Lane Part XI--Batman Is The Worst Damned Defense Attorney Ever!!

It's time to begin the trial of the century!!

Lois Lane is on trial for murdering Lana Lang!!

Batman is the defense attorney!!

Superman is the prosecuting attorney!!

Well, Superman does a good job of using his first few witnesses to establish motive, means and opportunity:

So how does the Caped Crusader handle cross-examination?

OK, a fair, albeit quite minor point.

But the rest of the cross-examinations?

D'oh!!

D'oh!!

D'oh!!

D'oh!!!!!!

Batman is the worst goddamned defense attorney ever. Seriously, Lois would have been better off with a Gotham public defender.

Obviously, not only does Batman not shake anyone's story, or damage their credibility, he ends up getting them to actually strengthen their testimony!! The "never ask a question you don't already know the answer to" thing is kind of a cliche, but man, Bats really shows why it's true.

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, why is he trying to shake these witnesses at all? Lois already admitted that she was there. She doesn't need an alibi, or reasonable doubt that she was in a crash. Her defense is that it was an accident, not premeditated murder!

And even if he gets one of the witnesses to demure to, "Oh, I'm only 80% sure it was Lois," how does that help when Lois takes the stand herself. Is she going to suddenly deny being there? Is she going to perjure herself?!?!

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm applying actual legal thinking to a 1970 DC comic book. But this isn't the last example where we see that Batman is the worst defense attorney ever.

From Lois Lane #100 (1970)

The Trail Of Lois Lane Part X--And So it Begins!!

So the players are in place..

...and we've only reached the halfway point, true believer!!

I think this is a good place to break until tomorrow...oh, stop complaining. Back in 1970, readers had to wait 30 days for the answer!!! You only have to wait 24 hours!!

So tune in tomorrow for the most incredible murder trial of all time!!

From Lois Lane #99 (1970)

The Trial of Lois Lane Part IX--Live By The Press, Die By The Press!!

Lois Lane doesn't listen to her lawyer...and her lawyer is BATMAN!!

This probably isn't going to go well...

Wow, you'd think that a big-time reporter like Lois Lane might have known how this would play out in the papers. Hoist on her own petard, as it were.

Next time listen to your lawyer, lady...

From Lois Lane #99 (1970)

The Trial Of Lois Lane Part VIII--My Boyfriend Is My Prosecutor!!

Well, this is a fine kettle of fish!

Lois drove her car off the bridge, killing Lana Lang!! She's charged with murder!! Batman is her defense attorney!! Superman is the prosecuting attorney!! OMG!!!

Superman just spent several pages recreating the accident...

Yes, Superman knows how long a baby can hold its breath. Please don't ask how.

So when he finally goes to see Lois, the news isn't good:

Superman: TOUGH ON TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS!!

Superman: NO EXCUSES OR EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES, DAMMIT!

But the best Superman...is a sad Superman...

From Lois Lane #99 (1970)