Before we start to take a look at whom the
Frightful Four would turn to in a
never-ending quest to find a fourth member, we should take a moment or two to look at the 3
original members, and see why, exactly, they needed help.
Well, long answer made short: because they were a
bunch of pathetic losers.
Let's start with
Bentley Wittman, also known as the
Wizard. Bentley was born a
super-genius. Unfortunately, he was one of those
Wile E. Coyote type of super-geniuses, in that he felt compelled to take on the
Human Torch (in his solo series in
Strange Tales) again...and
again...and
again...And remember, this is
Johnny Storm we're talking about here, hardly an Einstein. All of the Wizard's brains and technological wonders couldn't beat even
one member of the
Fantastic Four.
Heck, in his last solo attempt, his new invention,
the anti-gravity disc, backfired on him and carried him up almost into orbit. If it wasn't
Acme brand, it might as well have been.
Next up in our
Trio of Tepidity is
Peter Petruski,
a.k.a. Paste-Pot Pete,
a.k.a.
The Trapster. Pete was a loser who somehow invented the "
ultimate weapon"--a gun that shoots out paste.
Seriously. You'd think there would be limits on how many plots you could come up with involving a guy who shoots glue--but Stan kept running him out there. (In fairness, Pete does occasionally pull out
other high tech traps...but he's a paste guy at heart).
Now, I'm willing to admit that "Paste-Pot Pete" is, without doubt, the
stupidest name
Stan Lee ever came up with. But let's not let the King of the hook here. Shield your eyes and hide the children, friends: here's the world's first glimpse, via
Jack Kirby, of Paste-Pot Pete.
Oh. My. God.
Rounding out our Founding Three is
Flint Marko, the
Sandman. Now, remember, this long before
Spider-Man 3 idiotically decided to retcon Flint into the man who
actually pulled the trigger on
Uncle Ben (so therefore, even if Spidey
had stopped the thief at the wrestling match, Ben would have died
anyway...).
Now, I know the Sandman, if used
properly, can be a pretty powerful foe. But I also know that, at this point in his career, he was a big-time loser who had struck out every single time against Spider-Man and/or the Torch. Need I remind you that, in Sandy's first appearance, Web-Head beat him
with a vacuum cleaner??
And it wasn't even an
Oreck...
So, these nineteen-time losers meet through a quirk of fate, and they have a
brainstorm...
OK, an
idiotic brainstorm, but still. "I know we're 0-27 individually against solo
Marvel heroes, but if we team up and take on the most powerful super-team out there, we're guaranteed to win!!" It's so pathetic, it's
almost cute. Oh, and "let's get a woman!!" Slick, Wizard,
slick.
So that's where we stand, with a
triumvirate of no-accounts waiting desperately for a fourth member to make them the equal of the FF:
I suspect that even if they picked the
Watcher, this group would strike out.
Stay tuned next week, wherein we introduce the First Fourth Member, and start our tally of Ways To Snatch Defeat From The Jaws Of Certain Victory. Be there, won't you?
Let's see...The Wizard's mug is from New Avengers #33 (2007), Pete's first appearance is Strange Tales #104 (1963), Sandman's suckage is Amazing Spider-Man #4 (1963), and their titanic first team-up occurred in Fantastic Four #36 (1965). Phew...