SPOILER Sunday--Noman, Agent Of S.H.I.E.L.D?!?

All right, I'm going to SPOIL a thing or three about the 2nd story in this week's S.H.I.E.L.D. #9--the 50th anniversary issue!!--and it's a prett good story, so if you don't wanna know, came back later.

SPOILERS commence after the four S.H.I.E.L.D. pictures...

Still here? Good.

So, as you recall, the stupidest, most upsetting thing Marvel has done in recent years was in the abominable Original Sin event, wherein we learned that...

Yup...we learned that Dum Dum Dugan was killed by Hydra about 10 minutes after he joined S.H.I.E.L.D., and Nick Fury used super-alien tech to Make his own Dum Dum LMD that thought he was still human.

Yes, every single appearance of Dum Dum Dugan post-1966 was not really Dugan.

Sigh....

Me, I had hoped that the Secret Wars reset was going to undo that, or bring over a Dum Dum from Earth-56123 or something.

Nope:

Only now, he knows that he's an LMD...

He's a bit of a super-powered LMD...

...and whenever he dies, his consciousness is transferred to one of  "hundreds" of replacement bodies...

That's right...Dum Dum Dugan of S.H.I.E.L.D. is now essentially...

...Noman of T.H.UN.D.E.R. Agents (without the invisibility cloak).

Look, I won't lie. I despise with the passion of a thousand exploding sons what Original Sin did to Dugan (and to Nick Fury). But if you're not going to retcon that idiocy away, I guess this is a pretty good way to go.

And I have to confess, this is a really good story by Al Ewing and Stefano Caselli. It serves as a "pilot" for the forthcoming Howling Commandos Of S.H.I.E.L.D. series, which Maria Hill describes as "send scary monsters to fight scary monsters."

But here's the odd part...

This isn't the creative team that's doing the actual series! Why did Marvel have one set of hands make the "pilot," when someone completely different will be doing the regular series? This is no critique of Barbiere and Schoonover--I'm just saying that a story by Ewing and Caselli might not be a fair indication of what the series will actually be like.

So in summation--I still loathe what they did to Dugan; this is probably the best way to salvage it without retconning; Dugan is now Noman; this is a really good story and a promising pilot for the series; but the actual series is being made by different hands, so who knows?

Meanwhile, Nick Fury is still chained to the moon...

Manic Monday Bonus--You Will Like This Post! You Will Like This Post! You WILL Like This Post! You Will...

Great marketing ideas that probably didn't work:

Granted, putting a guy with a mental control helmet on the page and having him order you to buy something might look good on paper, but I...but I...but...

Yes, I will buy that book....I will buy that book...I...

Ad from Black Hood # 2 (1983)

Geography And Weapons Lesson--T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Style!!

It seems that in the 1960s, tiny countries you've never heard of were being taken over on a daily basis, either in military coups or by psychotic Jezebels or by super-secret evil organizations.

And it didn't take much to succeed, either. Just invent one fancy (?) new weapon, and the nation would fall in 30 seconds.

Take, for example, the Middle Eastern nation of Israebia (Israebia? Really?):


Yup, all you needed was flashlight to kick their ass, apparently. And the new ruler?

"Phyllis Tyne"?? Get it? GET IT?!?!

Anyway, the Higher United Nations decided that this will not stand, and so they send in T.H.U.N.D.E.R., namely Len Brown, Dynamo!

Yeah, Len is still pretty damn stupid. Don't worry, eventually he triumphs.

Meanwhile, in another story in that same issue:

Yes, the "island republic of San Forizo" has had a military coup, but the leader is merely a puppet for the evil S.P.I.D.E.R.

And how do they intend to hold onto power against revolting peasants and "the army of liberation?" Secret weapon, of course!

"Retarded tree toad." Man, I am so using that all week...

So, of course, the Higher United Nations sends in T.H.U.N.D.E.R., and of course, Dynamo is stupid again. But he's not the only one this time:

So, if Len Brown was so stupid, why does T.H.U.N.D.E.R. keep sending him in?

Because he can do this:


When you can punch people a distance of 4 panels, your bosses overlook the stupid.

And now I think we understand how Qadaffi fell...

All stories from Dynamo #3 (1967).

Diplomacy, S.P.I.D.E.R. Style!!

Back in the 1960s, T.H.U.N.D.E.R. (The Higher United Nations Defense Enforcement Reserves) spent a lot of time fighting the villainy of S.P.I.D.E.R.

And what did S.P.I.D.E.R. stand for?

By Odin's beard, I love what James Bond did to 1960s culture!!

Anyway, aside from amassing "extra-legal revenue," S.P.I.D.E.R. had other ways of gaining power:

Yes, S.P.I.D.E.R. surreptitiously took over the small European nation of Ibernia.

And how did we find out about it?

S.P.I.D.E.R. sent a note to the UN Security Council?!?!

Well, of course. It's only proper etiquette to conduct diplomacy via short, polite notes (especially when you have stationary that bitching).

In fact, many international crises have started with polite notes:

In fact, the biggest fracas ever in UN history started with a courteous correspondence:

From Dynamo #2 (1966)

This Post May Give You The Munchies

Yes, yes, it's picking low-hanging fruit to snarkily note drug references in innocent 1960s comic books.

But sometimes the fruit is SO low-hanging, you just have to.

Most people forget that in the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, there was a group of normal, non-super-powered agents who did a lot of the grunt work: The T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Squad!!

And one of the squad members was William "Weed" Wylie. A seedy type with some questionable activities in his background, Wylie was the team's locksmith/escape artist. And he kind of resented of the attention and perks (and girls!) the super-powered agents received.

So he was easy prey when an evil hypnotist convinced him that he actually had super powers (in an insanely convoluted plot to capture the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents). And thinking he was fully powered led to...

Yes, now he is Wonder Weed.

Really. No snickering allowed.

The effect of that name is only enhanced by the fact that he keeps that scraggly little "cigarette" in his mouth at all times:

And of course, Wonder Weed taught us the futility of the War On Drugs a full 45 years ago:

No, guns cannot stop Wonder Weed!!

Nick Spenser, if you're reading this, you really really really need to bring back Wonder Weed!!

From Dynamo #1 (1966)

Lazy Bullet-Point Catch-Up

Well, there were about a billion announcements last week, none of which I was really able to talk about here, because I was stuck in 1995.

So, how about a marathon of uninformed, ill-considered snarkiness?

• Wolverine: The Best There Is...seriously? That's the actual title for the series? It sounds more like a razor jingle...isn't Marvel at least remotely embarrassed to release a comic with that title?
  

• Let's see, Action Comics, and now Squire & Knight...you know, Marvel, all you had to do was find a way to not cancel Captain Britain and MI-13, and maybe you could have kept Paul Cornell around, creating cool things for you instead of them...
  

• You know, when I saw this placeholder cover...

...the very first thought to pop into my head was, "Maybe on that road home, he'll pass Superman going the other way, and kick Clark's ass for being such a dingus." We can only hope.

• To those who approved of my Superman #701 bashing, these guys did it better, and in only three panels.

• Batman: The Dark Knight, the new ongoing by David Finch, puts Batman "into a world of demonology, dark arts, and mystery. He's the ultimate detective, faster, stronger and smarter than any villain, but now he faces creatures to whom logic and mortality don't apply."

Color me skeptical, albeit open-minded. Yes, it's good to take Batman out of his comfort zone once in awhile...but isn't that what the last three years have been already? And I don't think Batman mixes well with mystical, except in very small doses (Your mileage may vary). So if that's really the long-term premise of the book, as opposed to just an arc...well, we'll see. I'll give it a chance.

• Wait a minute--Jonathan Hickman writing an Ultimate Comics Thor? You mean I'm actually going to have to read an Ultimate book?? Damn you Marvel--damn you to hell!! (Note: this title hasn't been confirmed by Marvel yet, so it could be just a rumor).

• I'm thrilled that DC is finally getting around to doing the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents (what took so long?? You announced this a full year ago!!). And I actually think the concept makes a better fit for the DC Universe than Red Circle or Milestone--it's basically The Order done 1960s meets Checkmate, so it's got a healthy vibe ( but since the premise is heroes no one in the DC Universe knows, facing "global threats the rest of the DCU don’t even know exist," you wonder why it has to be in the DC Universe...).

However, along with the lengthy delay, the fact that DC has assigned back-benchers to the creative team leaves me fearful. Nothing against Nick Spenser and CAFU--but they're not exactly household names, and the renown of the creative team is usually a sign of DC's commitment to a project these day. Just watch--the first DC guest-stars will be Magog and and members of the Global Guardians--the will prove the strip is doomed.

Meanwhile, here's a helpful (OK, not too helpful) primer of the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents.

• Satan Girl?? Yessss......

• A new John Carter comic? YYYYYYeeessssssssss.........

Thank you Dynamite!!!

Two Down...

From DC's June solicits:

THE SHIELD #10
FINAL ISSUE...



THE WEB #10
FINAL ISSUE...



Well, back in November I predicted the over/under was 6 months before DC cancelled the Red Circle titles. 4 months later, there we are...the under wins.

Milestone? Punted. Red Circle? Cancelled. T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents? It's been nearly 9 months since DC announced they had acquired the rights, and since then not a hint of a scintilla of any news on any actual publication of anything, new or reprint.

Back in August, I wrote, "I predict dismal, flaming failure followed by a thorough under-the-carpet sweeping for DC's attempts to integrate 3 disparate continuities into their recently re-convoluted universe."

Mission nearly accomplished. I hate it when I'm right.

So, what's the over/under on the First Wave universe?

The Past Is Prologue

Guess who's back?

I guess you can't keep a good Robot Fighter down for long. And one suspects Jim Shooter is extending a huge middle finger at DC right now.

This raises another question, though. A lot of the comic book companies these days are spending mucho dinero and investing much effort to resurrect past superheroic creations: Marvel gloms Marvelman and brings back public domain golden agers; the DC Borg Collective assimilates the Milestone, Red Circle and T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agent universes; Dynamite resurrects 175,000 public domain Golden Agers; and now Dark Horse brings back the Gold Key portion of the Valiant line. Heck, I'm now have expecting someone to announce a Warriors of Plasm revival next week...

The question is, why the recent groundswell of reviving old, derelict properties? A attempt to make bucks based on rampant nostalgia for franchises many fans don't even remember? A tacit admission of a lack of creative imagination, a sub rosa confession that the companies really can't come up with any new properties of their own anymore? An attempt to make sure that when Hollywood studios come around with their fat option checks, they'll have something "new" to sell them?

I'm not saying it's necessarily a bad thing (although I predict dismal, flaming failure followed by a thorough under-the-carpet sweeping for DC's attempts to integrate 3 disparate continuities into their recently re-convoluted universe). I'm just curious about the trend, that's all.

Meanwhile, welcome back, Magnus. May you fight many robots, you magnificent bastard.

Manic Monday--T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents FAQ

Well, since the DC Borg Collective has assimilated the T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents, some of you yung'uns probably have a question or three...

Q: What does T.H.U.N.D.E.R. stand for?

A:Give 'em a break...it was the 1960s, and everything had to be a ridiculously overcomplicated acronym. Later in the original series, their chief foe was S.P.I.D.E.R. (Secret People's International Directorate for Extralegal Revenue). Seriously

Q: So what's the deal with their powers?

A: Well. An evil dude named the Warlord is trying to steal "every scientific development he can," the better to take over the world. Sadly, Professor Jennings was the stupid kind of scientist, who never kept notes:

So, the few inventions that are left behind, the good guys really don't know how they work.

And when they do get them to work, well, they're kind of counterproductive:

Or...

Q: What about this Noman dude?

He's an old scientist who figured out a way to transfer his mind into android bodies...

...and as a bonus, he's given an invisibility cape!!

Which leads to incredible scenes like this, where an invisible android fights a squad of Neanderthals:

Q: Please tell me they had an underwater hero?

A: How about UNDERSEA Agent?

OK, he fights above water and has magnetic powers...but he's got a helmet!!

Q: Who is the team badass?

A:How about The Raven? Those are "energy claws," which also fires heat beams and stun beams and wonderful stuff.

Q: How dumb is Dynamo?


A: Really dumb.

Q: What's the deal with Menthor?

A: He's agent Janus, a traitor (get it? GET IT?) infiltrating T.H.U.N.D.E.R.

But he's given Professor Jennings' Mentho helmet, which gives him psychic and psychokinetic powers...but it also turns him to the side of good (but only while he's wearing it)!!

Q: Where can I read these rad stories?

A: Good luck. DC published hardcover Archives volumes, reprinting the original Tower comics 1960s series, early this decade. They're out of print, but you can find some of them at Amazon, or perhaps you'll get lucky an find some gathering dust at your local comics shoppe. As to the 1980's JC Comics series, Deluxe Comics series, Solson Comics single issue, or various other oddball appearances, good luck. Scour those quarter bins...

Q: Why should I care?

A: The initial run was masterminded by Wally Woods, and featured such talent as Gil Kane, Steve Skeates, George Tuska, Steve Ditko, Joe Orlando, Al Williamson...the list goes on and on. The assorted 80s attempted relaunches contained work from Dave Cockrum, George Perez, Keith Giffen, Jerry Ordway...

Besides, T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents was bitching, a silly but fast-paced Silver Age nut farm.

Q: What can we expect from DC's new, in-universe T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents?

A: I don't know...but George Perez is free...

Panels taken from JC Comics T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1 (1983) ; Hall Of Fame T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #1 (1983), which reprinted the original 60s stories; and Deluxe Comics Wally Wood's T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Agents #3 (1985).