How Does Superman Stop A Charging Elephant?

Look, I'm going to come right out and warn you: there is a panel in this post that, once you see it, you will never, ever be able to unsee. Seriously, beware.

Anyway, Perry White's grandchildren, along with some other tykes, have been accidentally teleported to India during a magician's act gone awry.

Where in India? Why, to the deep, ungovernable northern reaches of India.

Hey, don't blame me, readers from northern India--that's what the story said:

Anyway, a rogue elephant is attacking the palace of a local maharaja (so, not so ungovernable, then?):

Worry not, friends--Superman arrives to save the day:

Well, that was fun!!

From Action Comics #568 (1985), by Elliot S! Maggin, Curt Swan and Al Williamson

Huh? What was that?

You want to see what was in that censored panel?

You want to know HOW Superman stopped the elephant?

No, trust me, you don't. Really.

You insist?

Sigh...all right. But don't say you weren't warned.

Here is the intact sequence:

Oh, sweet child of mine....

We'll just leave that without comment, shall we?

But, in the interest of helping those who want to poach the panel for their snarky "Huh huh, look, comic heroes do something that can look dirty huh huh" tumblers, here it is again, in all its awesomeness:

Of course, that only comes in second place for the most Freudian Kal-El panel ever...

Last panel from Superboy #130 (1966)

The Greatest Cover You've Never Seen--Superboy #112 (1964)

Some Silver Age DC covers are just so perfectly bizarre:

Questions, I've got questions...

1) The Kents worked as a butler and maid? How very Smallville Abbey. Is there an Alfred crossover at all?

2) The rich dude is going to fire them because they have a flying baby? If I were a rich dude, I would reward my employees for stuff like that...

3) The rich dude's companion--WTF? Cigarette holder, sunglasses and kicky cravat? Please tell me he has a German accent and is a film director, too...

4) So, Superbaby can memorize an entire nursery rhyme, but still cannot master the most basic grammar?

5) Why, oh why do I not have this comic book?

Superboy #112 is from 1964

Superbaby Has Two Mommies

...or, Solomon Would Not Approve Of This Story.

Superbaby accidentally "whirls" himself into the distant past:

While there, he stumbles upon the adventures of poor, dim King Wyllyam of Somewheresylvania:


I don't know why you're so self-conscious, Wyllyam...imitating the wisest guy ever is probably a wise policy in and of itself. Of course, that presumes you've got the minimal brainpower needed to understand what Solomon was doing:


Now, by a ridiculous and evolutionarily unlikely coincidence, Superbaby looks exactly like the disputed Esau, down to wearing the same clothes (sorta...you'd think these women, who claim to love him so much, would notice Kal is wearing boots, whereas Esau was barefoot...).

This idea of the King's has got to work, right?? No--because King Wyllyam obviously inherited his crown, rather than achieving it by merit:


Fortunately, Kal-El is made of sterner stuff than King Wussfella:

So, that's it, right? The game is up, Wyllyam's reputation is ruined, and there is no resolution to the Curious Case of Esau, right?


Uh...but wait...who was right? And can this arrangement really work? And...ah, never mind--this solution is Solomon endorsed!!

And so they walk off into the sunset, the women willing to "share" Esau. King Wyllyam's reputation for wisdom upheld, and many people would go on to die in his ill-conceived "tests" and tricks. Superbaby flies back into the timestream to find Pa Kent's missing cuff link. Yes, I said Pa Kent's missing cuff link.

Man, that's some odd stuff.

And that's only the first third of the story...

Superbaby settles a custody dispute in Superboy #120 (1965).

Superbaby Am Smart From Listening To Super-Mozart!!

A question that has often bothered me...if Superbaby is so smart, having a "tenth-level" intelligence, than why does he talk like a Bizarro?

Well, back in Superboy #120 (1965), Ward Nesbitt of Pittsburgh was apparently wondering the same thing:

The awesome answer?

Apparently, he was smart enough to learn Kryptonese, but not smart enough to learn the proper conjugations of "to be," or the proper use of pronouns as subjects of sentences. Makes you wonder what the Kryptonian language sounds like:

JOR-EL: Krypton am blow up!!
SCIENCE COUNCIL: No it not! You am banished!

Here's my favorite panel ever, a super-genius Superbaby display super-intelligence:

FINAL Final Crisis Preview--Another Tricky Day

Well, the time is almost upon us, when we get yet another DC crisis, this time THE FINAL CRISIS!!

This is no final crisis

This is DC having fun

Even though I've run many, many helpful previews of what I thought might be upcoming in the latest DC cash suck, I can with confidence say that we will not see the Gay Ghost, Jerry Lewis, Gabby Hayes, AAU Superstar, Prez, or Superbaby. Unless, of course, Grant Morrison secretly reads this blog and takes notes. Yeah, I know, bloody unlikely.

No crisis

Getting burned once again

So, what are we getting from the Final Crisis (aka the series that Paul Dini had no idea what it was going to be about so Countdown meandered like a drunken lemur for 52 (ahem 51) weeks)?

Sadly, a strong clue came from DC Universe #0 last week:

Oops. I did that on purpose. Really. Why?

The world seems in a spiral

Life seems such a worthless title

One of the problems with Infinite Crisis (aside from its title being one of the most blatant cases of false advertising since the Neverending Story) was that, to paraphrase my man Winston Churchill, the pudding had no theme.

That it, it was a disparate collection of story threads that really had not a thing to do with each other OR the central story line. Instead of being built from the top down, it felt as if it were built from the bottom up (hence my upside cover--dude, it's a metaphor!!). Let's not start with a the main story and pick out some subplots that tie in well. No, let's throw out all these plot lines--villains teaming up, the Spectre's war on magic, the Rann-Thanagar war, OMAC's--and try to connect them to the main story. Seriously, what the hell did the bloody magic war have to do with anything? NADA.

Just because there's space

In your life it's a waste

And that's what DCU #0 showed us. A bunch of stories that, even if you think they're interesting individually, seem to have no possible relationship to each other, let alone whatever the main thrust of Final Crisis may be. If there is one.

So our big FINAL Final Crisis Preview question: does this pudding have a theme?? or is it one big gloppy mess thrown at the wall to see what sticks? We'll find out soon...

This is no Final Crisis

Just another tricky day for DC

Lyrics adapted from Pete Townshend.

Best reason to bring back Superbaby?

Final Crisis Preview--Super****

As we continue to approach the newest, latest reboot of the DC Universe, I've continued to try to put forward useful suggestions. You know, ways to improve the DC universe, and characters to revive who could add some spark and sizzle. I've already offered ideas on reviving a lost chivalrous hero of the past and restoring the ancient DC tradition of comics starring comics.

But now I have my most important suggestion...a way for DC to overcome its biggest current problem. Right now, DC isn't allowed to mention the word Superboy in any of their comics, due to some...legal difficulties. Now, this causes a lot of problems, especially since they're trying to use Superboy-Prime as a villain in the Sinestro Corps story. Not to mention that they've been running circles around themselves with "young Superman" references while trying to re-retcon the "original" Legion of Superheroes back into Superman's life.

My solution to this problem?


Yes, that's right, Superbaby. Superboy may be verboten, but there's no lawsuit against Superbaby, the lovable adventures of Clark Kent as a Kryptonian toddler!!

Look, all of the Superbaby stories were ret-conned away post-first-Crisis. So just as we've decided to restore the "Clark Kent went to the future and hung with the Legion" stories to the canon, well, we can (and should!) do the same with all of the Superbaby stories.

Besides, who doesn't love stories with super-powered, grammatically deficient toddlers?

C'mon, DC, this will work....

Bonus Freudian panel of the day:


All images from Superboy #130. Go ahead....sue me.